Showing Them All Up
by ercarterfan
Summary: A daughter much more like her father than she ever could have imagined. She's making the same mistakes he did but can she stop before it costs her everything that she's worked for, reality can bite when you make deals.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Ah okay here we go same old same old.. I don't own them, just well need to flex my imagination.

_A/N: I got bored writing in the current time frame so I thought that I would branch out and try something that I hadn't done before. This one is set a few years in the future. But give it a read and please let me know what you think so I know if I should continue on with it, or put it in the ahh well I tried file.  
_

Fairy tales, every girl grows up dreaming of being that princess from the stories that she's read. Once upon a time, coming from your father sounds as if it really could happen. When he leans over and kisses you goodnight and wishes his princess sweet dreams. Now if those could only really come true your life would be set.

I stood there watching for a few minutes, just watching. I had my mother's unruly curly hair, but it was not as dark as hers was. I had my father's stature and had been told several times that I was the one that inherited his personality. Of the two of us, I was the more "difficult" child. Yet I was the older one, guess I started out stubborn.

My younger sister was more into sports, while I was more into the books and being smarter than everyone around me. There was only one person who I could never truly outsmart and I think that was because of who he was and how well he knew me. I was closer to him than I would have ever been to my mom. It wasn't that I didn't like my mother or get alone with her. As they said, I had his spitfire and I had determination. I had to do everything that I possibly could before everyone else. See I had my sister and with her talents for sports and winning praise I had to come up with something else to get their attention for I had no talent when it came to playing sports. Dad's gene seemed to have missed me in that department. I threw myself into school, reading whatever I could get my hands on and excelling as fast as a humanly could.

By the time I was in first grade I was reading at a 5th grade level and doing a lot more than they thought someone my age could be doing. As the years went by I was able to skip a couple of grades, and worked hard to everyone around me to prove that I was mature enough to handle it. I graduated from high school when I was 16 two years before my sister did. I took classes at the college while staying at home with mom and dad, and by the time my sister graduated from high school I was done with bachelor's degree and ready, more than ready to start graduate school. Even I had to admit that I was young cocky and ready to take on the world now that I was finally 18. Mom and Dad didn't seem to thrilled that I was busting at the seams to escape from under their wings, but dad knew that I was more than ready to fly. How many grad students still lived at home with their mom and dad, but then there weren't many grad students who were only 18.

As I stood there almost afraid to go inside, my mind wandered back to Dad taking me to the airport, we both knew mom would get too teary eyed and that she might not let me on that plane.

"You sure this is what you want to do?"

"Yeah Dad, no turning back." I replied with a smile.

"You know if you need anything, anything at all, you can call me and I'll do what I can for you."

"You worry to much." I said looking over at the man sitting next to me, leaving was going to be harder than I thought but this is really what I wanted to do.

"Father's prerogative."

"You know I love you dad." I said softly.

"I know you do kiddo." I heard him say back to me. "You're going to do fine, just fine. Your mom and I are really proud of you."

I look down, fighting not to cry. I was about ready to put over a thousand miles between me and my dad, I'd never been more than a twenty minute drive from him. "I know you are."

I could feel the car stop as he had found a place to park. "Hey now no crying." He said. "That's for you mother to do not you."

"I'm going to miss you dad."

"I know kiddo." He pulled me into a really big hug as he slung one of my bags over his shoulder, "I'll miss you too. But come on you have a plane to catch to take you back east."

"Kate's pretty pissed at me." I said as we walked towards the ticket counter.

"I know honey; it's just going to have to take some time to get used to you not being around."

"You think she'll be mad at me long?"

"No, knowing your sister in a day or two of not having to share the car with you, and once she gets the picture that your guys room is now pretty much hers, she'll be okay."

"I'm going to miss her too."

"I know you are you two are pretty close."

"We didn't have much of a choice there." I said with a soft smirk. "You made us be nice to each other or you'd give us that look and then someone usually ended up with an ear getting flicked."

"Yeah but you turned out pretty good."

"Only pretty good dad?"

"No Tess, you turned out wonderful, a dad couldn't ask for a better daughter."

"Is it to late to change my mind?" I found myself asking.

"Why would you want to do that, you've been looking forward to this. I know you have kiddo."

"I've never been that far away from you Dad," I said looking up at him; I didn't get his height either. My sister was a great deal taller than I was; it's how you could tell us apart.

He stopped walking for just a brief second as if to catch my full attention, "Tess, you've worked hard for this and I'm only a phone call away if you need me. You know I would drop everything and be on the first flight to Chicago if you needed me to be." He put his hand under my chin, "you are always going to be my baby girl no matter how far away you are."

Somehow those words made it just a little bit easier to keep going. "I know you would dad." I hugged him just a little tighter as we got me checked in for my flight.

Dad walked with me to the security check point, he couldn't go any further than that. "I'll see you soon okay. You call me when you get in or if you need anything, anything at all."

"I will dad, I promise." I said knowing that I needed to let go of him to move into the line but I just didn't want to just yet.

"Go on baby girl." He said with a gentle nudge and when I had taken a couple of steps away, "Tess honey here." He called out to me.

I turned back around, "what dad?"

"JIC." He said with a soft sad smile. "You never know and I can't have you eating that sodium in a cup. Be safe Tessie."

I nod and take it from him, "thanks dad." I am starting to back up again but run for him throwing my arms around his neck and giving him one last hug, "I'll call you in a few hours."

As I walked away I threw a glance over my shoulder, and for the first time in as many years as I could remember I saw tears in my father's eyes.

I stood now looking at those big glass doors that said ER Entrance on them and wondered if this was really what I wanted to do. I was still young enough that changing my mind wouldn't be a life altering decision. My earliest memories however were of going down to the ER taking dad dinner when he worked nights, or on summer days taking a picnic lunch down to the hospital and sitting on the grass with mom on her lunch break. You could almost say that my sister and I grew up in the hospital almost. We were there a lot thankfully never as patients, but more of parent handoffs. Mom going on shift handing us off to dad coming off shift only to have it repeat again when they changed. It was actually kind of funny the trouble that I managed to get into when I wasn't being carefully watched.

It was late one night and they were both working, the babysitter had an emergency and had to drop us off, they had only an hour left on their shifts, but by the time I was done, they wished that they hadn't had us dropped off there. Kate was sleeping on the couch in the lounge, but I was more curious than anything to see what my parents did on a daily basis when they were at the ER. Dad was a great pediatrician that much I knew, and I knew he took care of sick kids, mom had told us that when we asked her what he did. And he explained it once when we had bring a parent to class day at school. But that hadn't fully fulfilled my curiosity. So I pulled myself out of the lounge where I was supposed to stay and watch TV and starting peaking around putting my nose into various rooms.

There was one that caught my attention though, it had big swinging double doors and people where rushing in and out of there. I climbed up on a gurney so that I could peak inside the window that was there and what I saw was something that changed my life forever. My dad had his arm inside this kid's chest and you could tell from the look on his face that he was worried; it wasn't a look of being scared, but one of complete concentration. My mom was right there by his side and was handing him things helping him as I wasn't sure what they were trying to do. All I knew was there was lots and lots of blood and tons of people, all of them wearing these yellow gowns.

I stayed there watching from my perch until one of the nurses noticed that I wasn't where I was supposed to be and pulled me away. It was later when my parents got off shift and we were headed home that I asked them what they were doing and they more or less tried to explain it to me. I knew right then and there that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to be just like my dad and save kids lives.

"You're going to be late."

I turned around to see whose voice was talking to me. "I have a few minutes, I wouldn't want to be late today of all days."

"Yeah, you know I wish your Dad could see you today."

"So do I." I gave her a soft smile.

"I know I'm proud of you." I can feel a soft hug now.

"I know, I'm happy about it all really I am, I think that I am just a little nervous." I find myself saying. "Like I thought this day would never come and now here I am standing here of all places."

"Well come on, you need to get inside, standing out here you won't learn anything and you're hear to learn aren't you. Be just like your Dad."

"Yeah I am."

"Although your not going to be just like your dad." She smiled at me. Her arm was still around me as we headed for the door now. "Cause he broke every rule he ever could and step on so many toes."

"You probably shouldn't be telling me this Aunt Lizzie." I said smiling up at her.

"Ah, you know your dad, you can see him in you, and it will be nice to have another Dr. Ross working here." She said with another light hug. "Now knock them dead, and if you get a chance we can maybe have lunch together."

"Sounds nice. Gives me something to look forward to." I smile again but this one is much more nervous than any of the ones that came before.

I took a deep breath and walked inside the ER. On my way to being the next Dr. Ross to grace County General.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

I took those first long steps into the ER. Unsure if this was going to be everything that I thought that it was going to be. For the first time in a long time I was honestly nervous. Small butterflies had started to churn inside my stomach. For the first time in my life I wondered how many residents were only twenty-two.

The last time I had been here I was nothing more than an infant and had to wonder if anyone would even recognize the name or how much I resembled my dad. I doubted really that after all this time anyone would even remember my dad, the last time he had been here was in 1998 and that was 23 years ago. My mom had been here until 2000 when she left to be with my dad; yeah I know part of the story not the whole story. Most of it I had managed to squeeze out of my Nana who really didn't like my dad that much.

"Hey Carter, the new students are here!"

"It's Abby's turn!"

"Oh no, I took them last time, it's your turn."

I was standing not that far from the admit desk, near what appeared to be a bunch of students who had that little lost sheep look on their faces. Not that I didn't have that same look on my face right now.

"Hey I'm pulling seniority here." I watched him say as he wrapped an arm around her.

"Won't help you later Carter." The woman who I assumed was Abby said as she poked him back. "Boy they look young, either that or I'm getting old."

"Not old my dear."

"That might have been your saving grace."

"Always is."

"Yeah Carter flattery will get you everywhere."

"Only with you, anyone else it will get me slapped across the face. Off to your chickadees my beautiful buttercup."

"That's laying on a little thick don't ya think?"

"Never."

I watched them before I shook my head a little bit I needed to find some courage and just bit the bullet, find out what I was supposed to be doing, who my attending was so that I would know how to answer to, or report to, or both and then get a feel for the workings of this place a little.

I took that deep breath in and then stepped forward as I started to speak, "excuse me, I'm the new intern." I said as the three doctors turned and looked at me.

"Welcome to the County experience." He said extending his hand, "Dr. John Carter."

I smiled as I shook his hand and got ready to open my mouth to say something but was cut off.

"This is Dr. Abby Lockhart." He said as I watched her turn around to face me. I watched her eyes get really big for a minute.

"Tess, Dr. Tess Ross." I said holding out my hand in a gesture of trying to be friendly, at least right now my hand wasn't shaking. "New Intern."

I watched as Abby's mouth fell open almost to the floor. I didn't know for sure what to make of it. If it was my name or if it was how young I appeared but something about me had caught her off guard. There was an awkward silence filling the emergency room right now.

"As in Doug Ross's Tess?" I heard her ask.

"Yeah that's my dad." I said her eyes were still wide as she looked at me. I watched as she looked at Carter and then at the other doctor standing there with them.

"Oh my." She said.

"Is there something wrong?" I had to ask, I was uneasy and not getting a good feeling about this.

"Oh no nothing is wrong; I just can't believe that you are old enough to be an intern." She looked over at Carter now again. "Now I really feel old, I helped delivered her."

I had to look down as I tried not to blush when she said that. And as I looked up again there was a soft embarrassed smile on my face, "sorry I can't say I remember that."

I hear her soft laugh now, "no, no I don't imagine that you do, and you were pretty little the last time that I saw you."

"All grown up." I said softly.

"That you are." She said, "here, uh, I guess I should show you around a little so that you can get the lay of the ER land." She started to walk off.

It took me a second but I fell into step with her as she started to give me the small tour of the ER, not having the advantage of being a student here I was a little more than lost, but was getting the feeling that it wouldn't take that long for me to get a feel for the way that things went.

"How are your mom and dad?"

"They are fine." I replied back. "Dad is working still at the hospital with mom now. He tried to retire last year but got to bored and found that he missed it to much and ended up going back."

"Doesn't surprise me." I heard her say as we headed back the way that we had just come from. "How's your sister?"

"She's good, going to school at the University of Washington, she's playing ball there." I answered her back now.

"Sounds like everything is good then. Do you have a place that you are staying in Chicago?"

"Yeah I'm staying with Aunt Lizzie right now. But I'm hoping to find my own place here in a little bit once I get settled in with work." I answered. I didn't mind staying with her, but I did want to get out on my own after awhile. I couldn't stay with her and Ella forever.

"Sounds good, you won't be home that much for awhile at least. Sorry interns have long shifts." She told me.

"Yeah I know I'm ready for it though. 8 years of education finally starts to pay off."

"So Emergency Medicine, not pediatrics like your dad?"

"Can't say I have the love of kids that my dad has." I answered, "but I think this is more up my ally. I don't dislike kids; I guess I just am looking for a little more variety."

"Well just grab a chart, jump in, and if you need help don't be afraid to ask. You'll have one of those short little white coats following you around here today too, try not to let them kill anyone, oh and try not to kill the student either."

"I think I can handle it, I'm not afraid to ask for help if I need it." I said, "I might look young, but I'm more than able to do it."

"I wasn't going to say anything. Just run everything by either Carter or I, Dr. Lewis can help you out if you need to, but she's pretty hard to catch at times. She's in charge of the ER and tends to be all over the place during the day."

I nodded in response. Ready, willing and able to take on the first day of what was the start of four long years of my residency. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy and they all seemed to be, well rather shocked that I was here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I survived somehow my first day as an intern and it wasn't what I had expected. I went through three pairs of scrubs, not having mastered the fine art of knowing when to jump when dealing with a puking toddler. It was trial by fire that's for sure.

I didn't make having lunch with Aunt Lizzie either, just as I got ready to go for lunch we ended up with having a trauma that Abby pulled me in on. Four car pile up on the Kennedy expressway and I thought that it was kind of cool to have my first trauma under my belt, in a capacity of something other than student.

I stepped out into the warmth of the Chicago night. Tomorrow I would be doing it all over again but for tonight my time was done. I'd be heading back to Aunt Lizzie's to grab something to eat and a few hours of sleep before coming back to do it again. I started to walk towards the EL. I had some idea of how to get around, granted it wasn't great, but at least I knew where I needed to go to be able to get back and forth.

I walked up the stairs to the train platform to catch the next train. Standing there I heard my phone ring.

"Hello."

"Hey baby girl."

"Hi Dad." I couldn't help but smile when I heard my dad's voice on the phone.

"How'd it go?"

"Like you would expect it to." I said with a soft laugh, "bonus that I didn't kill anyone."

"Look at you looking on the bright side."

"How else am I going to look at 12 hour days at a County hospital, I'm sure in a few days I'll be kicking myself for putting it number one on my list." I said as I sat down on a bench to wait for the train. I had just missed the one that I had needed to catch so I was stuck until the next one came along.

"Ah you know you have a soft spot for the homeless, the helpless and the drunk." I could hear him laughing.

"I had my first real trauma today." I said.

"Did ya, now how'd that go?"

"Well if I didn't kill anyone today that should let you know that it went okay."

"Just okay Tess?"

"It was kind of scary to be honest." I replied.

"Yeah but you have one now, I won't say the next one won't be scary or stressful, but you'll do fine."

"You know you're my number one cheerleader, between you and Aunt Lizzie, I don't think there's anything you two don't think I can do." I said sighing a little bit now as the rush of the day caught up more with me, sitting still for the first time in hours I could really feel it.

"That's cause there's nothing that you can't do when you try. You know that as well as any of us, you're stubborn and persistent like your old man."

"Yeah I had to get that from you didn't I. Since we know I didn't get anything else from you."

"Hey now kiddo."

"You know I'm joking dad." I said, "tell mom I met Abby today."

"I will, how's she doing?"

"Dr. Lockhart is just fine Dad, she's my attending." I said to him knowing that he didn't keep in touch with many people in Chicago. Mom talked to more people than he did, for the most part he only talked to Aunt Lizzie, and I knew that was because he and Mark had been really good close friends.

"Wow, anyone else?"

"Curious now aren't you dad. Wonder if I'm going to be getting into trouble?" I asked.

"Trouble you, oh no, now that wouldn't happen."

"Yeah I met Dr. Carter."

"Carter…" I heard his voice trail off a little, "that must have been interesting."

"Not really I didn't spend that much time with him today, I mostly worked by myself, this little student that I think was attached to my hip and Dr. Lockhart." I answered.

"You have your own med student?"

"Scary thought huh, I'm teaching someone else, feels weird though cause she's like older than I am and here I am double checking her work, sometimes it feels like it should be the other way around."

"It's just your superior genes you know, your mother's brains, and my good looks."

"Yeah." I said, "I miss you."

"Now there, don't you start getting all mushy on me."

"Guess I'm just tired." I said, "But I don't miss home."

"Chicago's your home now baby girl and you'll make it just fine with out us." He said to me, "you'll be too busy after a while to give us much more than a thought every couple of months."

"Yeah right Dad." I answered back, "doing what you do, how can I not. I find myself thinking during the day, what would you do."

"That's not a good thing to be thinking, you will get in trouble thinking like that. You're good Tess; you've always seemed to have that special touch when it came to medicine. You'll know what to do."

I watched as the train pulled up to the platform and I got on finding a seat. "I know." I said softly. "It's just been a long day I guess, either that or I need to not slow down and I'd be fine."

"Ah go home to Aunt Lizzie's, get something to eat, get some sleep and then you can do it all over again tomorrow."

"Yeah all over again tomorrow. Thank you for reminding me so soon that I'll be doing this again."

"Next four years darling."

"Yeah and then I can go where I want, maybe someplace warm with a beach and lots of sunshine." I said back to him.

"Glad to know that you are not thinking about coming back home, cause I rented out your room."

"You did not."

"No your mother would kill me if I rented out your room, she still thinks that you will get tired of Chicago after a year or two and decide to come live at home again for awhile even though I keep telling her that's not going to happen."

"You never know I might just decide to do that."

"You ran away from home the minute you could, you won't be returning to the nest."

"I might just to prove you wrong, either that or out stubborn you."

"You have several, several years before you can out stubborn me. Prove me wrong, now that is something that I know you could do, but you'll tough it out cause you always do. But if you ever need to come home, you can."

"Ah, you wouldn't want me there cause I'd be underfoot, I'd be stealing your boat and well we all know how attached you are to your boat." I said with a laugh.

"You wouldn't dare steal my boat."

"Hmm, do I sense a dare there, something tells me I might have to come home over my next break between my intern year and 2nd year and come do just that."

"Ha, you don't have one so I know that's not going to happen."

I looked down for a minute, "hey I'll talk to you later okay Dad?"

"Yeah I know you will. Take care of yourself kiddo."

"I will dad." I said, "I love ya."

"Love you too Tess."

I snapped my phone shut and fought not to close my eyes on the train ride over to Lizzie's house. I pulled myself off the train and started the walk. By the time I got there I was tempted not to eat to just go straight up to bed, but I fixed something and then after cleaning up I walked up the stairs to what Aunt Lizzie had made up into my bedroom. It didn't take long after my head hit the pillow before I was out like a light. My body recovering from my first day and gearing up for the excitement of what tomorrow might bring.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

Just like I knew I would I was up and on my way to another day at County. I was up before the sun was up in Chicago dressed and back on the train. I had managed to get out of the house with out waking up the other members of my new household, although I had to admit to myself I had lots of practice getting out of a house without waking anyone else up. Dad was way to grumpy if you woke him up after he had worked a night shift. Learned that lesson the hard way one too many times. You would have sworn that his head wasn't attached cause there were times I could have sworn it spun around.

I put my things into the locker that had been given to me and pulled on that white lab coat once more. I looked at my badge, just seemed weird to see Dr. Ross written on there, but then that's what I had been working so hard to achieve. Now if I could just keep from screwing up or stepping on anyone's toes it would be a good thing.

Lunch time came and went and so far it was okay. I was working today with a rather grumpy doctor. I never thought that I would have to work with someone as sour as this man was. I worked extra hard to stay out of his way. He wasn't overly old but man but not once all day did I see him crack a smile at anyone other than his patients. He talked down to me told me that I was the future of medicine and that I was there to learn but he kept my leash so short I couldn't tell if I was an intern or a med student. I don't know if he didn't notice the doctor that was in front of my name or if all he saw was how young I was. But then I knew that there were going to be days like this and there were a few people who seemed rather uncomfortable around me, and it was just those people who I was going to have to work extra hard to prove myself to.

Yet at the end of the day I found myself praying that Abby and I never had different days off. Cause today just sucked. Not that anything bad had happened, and I didn't have to change my scrubs as many times as yesterday but Dr. Pratt, I think that was his name, I didn't put into my long term memory just yet.

My things went back into their place at the end of my shift and as I walked out I got this feeling that I was about to be checked up on. I looked down at my phone as it started to ring.

"Yeah." I said answering it.

"Always answer your phone like that Tess Ann."

Oh no, oops mom. "No, you taught me better than that, sorry mom." I said trying to recover. I just assumed that it would be dad checking up on me rather than mom.

"How you doing?"

"I'm doing good mom." I answered her, "just got off and I'm making my way back to Aunt Lizzie's."

"Are you eating?"

"Yes mom, I had lunch and managed to grab more than a cup of coffee this morning, you don't have to worry so much really I'm fine." I guess she was more worried than I thought she would be, but then I'm sure she cried the entire time Dad was gone taking me to the airport.

"I'm always going to worry, even when your eighty." She answered back. "Are you making any new friends there?"

"It's not high school mom." That came of a little shorter than I intended it to with her, if Dad had been standing there, that probably would have gotten me flicked. "Sorry I'm just really tired tonight. And I am slowly meeting people but I wouldn't say that at this point in time I have made friends."

"Who all are you working with?"

"Abby and Dr. Carter." I replied, "today I worked with, I think his name was Dr. Pratt, I'm not sure I can't remember, he was pretty sour."

"How's Abby doing, I haven't talked to her in awhile."

"She's doing good. She was rather shocked to see me though. You didn't tell me that I might be working with the woman who helped bring me into the world."

I could almost hear my mother smile over the phone, "ah then you have met Kerry Weaver."

"Uh no mom, I was talking about Abby." I said, "she said she helped deliver us."

"Oh well she helped deliver Kate, you my dear always impatient, were born in the ER. You seemed to be in a rush to get into the world and they didn't have enough time to get me upstairs. You came into the world in the ER where you are working now. It was either have you in the ER or the elevator and well the elevator wasn't appealing. Not that I had much of a choice in the matter right then either. But things happen for a reason, I guess you coming into the world in the ER should have been a sign of your calling."

"I don't imagine you really wanted to have a baby in the elevator. No privacy." I replied.

"Oh there wasn't much in the way of privacy in that trauma room either child." I heard my mother say to me now, but you could tell that she was still smiling from the tone of her voice. "But you were healthy and at the time that was all that mattered to me and all this time later that's all that matters to me. I'm proud of you Tess, very proud of you. I'm sure Kerry will be happy to see how well you turned out."

I had to laugh a little, "that's kind of weird." I said softly, "but no I haven't met Kerry yet, don't know if she's still even there."

"Oh I'm sure that she is." My mom laughed a little now, "I've always pictured her working there and them having to carry her cold dead body from her position of power."

"Yeah we'll see I'll let you know." I said. "I've only met a few people, I'm sure though give me enough time and I'll make the rounds." I sighed a little now. "I'll be okay here mom you know that right?"

It was her turn to sigh now, "I know you will honey. You are strong and your dad and I know that," She answered back to me. "You have your Aunt Lizzie there to take good care of you; I know that she won't let anything happen to you and that she's watching out for you in the hospital."

"I know you'd have been a lot happier if I had stayed in Seattle." I said with a softer smile, "but hey you have one strong stubborn girl whose going to land on her feet. If I ever need to land on my feet. And you never know I might be home before you know it. It's only five years mom."

"Don't remind me." She said, "take care of yourself Tess," I heard my sister saying something in the back ground. "Your sister wants to talk to you."

"Okay mom don't worry I will." I said as I waited for her to hand the phone over to my younger sister.

"Hey brat."

"What's up baby sis?" I asked her.

"Nothing much, how's Chicago life?" She sounded almost as if she had for a moment perhaps missed having me around.

"No different than Seattle." I answered her.

"That's good I guess." She said to me again. "They keeping you busy?"

"Yeah they are, how you liking the U?"

"Ah it's great." She said, "basketball is great, the coach is working us hard and then there's all my freaking homework but I'm holding it."

"Yeah well I'm sure you are, same rules apply now, you got to get the grades to play ball."

"Dad's going to my first game." She said to me, "wish you could too." Now I knew for sure that she was missing it, I could almost feel it.

"Yeah well I have to be here to put people back together." I said, I really didn't want her to miss me, it's not like she wasn't going to see me again, eventually I was sure that I would make my way back to Seattle even if it was for just a short visit, "maybe I'll get to see you play on TV or something."

"Not the same. We've never been apart like this."

"Don't you go all girly on me," I said to her, "mom does that enough for both of us. Besides you get the car all to yourself now and you don't have to share anymore."

"Well okay yeah there's that. Way to point out the bright side there, I'm sure your patients appreciate having you there; ya are after all something that resembles a good doctor, or almost a good doctor. But hey I got to run I have stuff that I have to do. I'll talk to you later." She said.

"Yeah talk to you later." I hung up the phone when I heard the line go dead. It was going to be okay. I knew it was going to be hard adjusting to not having them around all the time but I knew to that I was going to be okay on my own. They were after all only a phone call away if I got to lonely, and well they were keeping me so busy with my work schedule that didn't seem like it was going to happen any time soon. It was nice to talk to them. With my luck Dad would call tomorrow and then at the end of the month they would be complaining when they got the phone bill. That one made me laugh, they had never had one of us leave so far from home that they'd be calling long distance and if they kept calling every day, oh well better them than me I laughed as I climbed off the train.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review. I greatly appreciate the feedback and I'm trying to keep the updates coming the best that I can :) _**  
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**Chapter Five:**

Work was going well, or so I thought, I hadn't gotten into anything overly stressful. Abby seemed to be keeping a watchful eye over me still. I wasn't sure if that was because of my age or if she was almost afraid that I had my father's shotgun approach to medicine and forgo everything for the sake of my patient.

Now I will admit that I had some of that in me, but I was also wasn't one to blindly throw rules out the window. Bend them, yes for the good of those who I was trying to help, but as far as I knew every good doctor had a tendency to do that when it served the greater good.

Now I might have only broken one rule, and I really hadn't broken it so much as bent it just a tad bit and that was when I was doing my NICU rotation and had a very sick baby and her older brother was 11 and you needed to be 12 to get into the NICU, but I got him inside anyway. It wasn't like they asked to see ID or a birth certificate to get inside there and it was for the family not for anything else. It was that NICU rotation I think though that sent me running from having to work with kids all day long.

Dad was a little disappointed when I announced that I was going into emergency medicine right off the bat, I think he had been holding out hopes that I would do a peds residency and follow it with the emergency room. But there were so many nights when he'd come home from work and I could over hear him telling mom about his day when I was growing up and I knew I didn't want to have days like that.

So what am I doing now, I'm sitting in a suture room with a man who decided to walk through his sliding glass door after several tequila shooters without taking the time to actually open the giant glass door. He's unconscious now as I begin the massive effort it was going to take to suture this guy back together. I was going to be at this for awhile even with the student sitting across from me working on the man's other side.

"Take bigger bites." I said as I glanced over at what she was doing. Her stitches while they were even were so small. "Otherwise your doing a great job."

"Yeah sorry." She said as I watched her make them a little bigger.

"You're fine." I replied back. And she was it was me that wishing I was doing something different but an intern's place was in the suture room unless your student was capable of carrying that for you and while my student was pretty good at it, this man, was definitely a 2 person job. He must have had several dozen small lacerations. Just big enough to need to be closed yet not long enough that I could staple him back together and call it good.

"A few of us are going out tonight for drinks, feel up to joining us."

Well that had to be a first for me. I wasn't one that partied, the bookworm in me knew it was counterproductive and in college and med school I had just been to young. "Thanks for the offer but I think I'll pass."

"Okay." She answered me as we both kept working. "So are you from Chicago?"

"Uh no." I said. "Seattle." Three days and this had been the first non medical conversation that she had stuck up with me.

"Wow, that's pretty far away, what made you decide to come to Chicago?" She asked.

"Long story." I replied not really wanting to get into it fully with her.

"Do you have any family here?" She asked again, "sorry, it's just really quiet in here right now."

"I have three Aunts here." I answered, "it's okay Gina," I glance down at the patient, "I think good old Donavan here isn't going to mind, he'll be sleeping this one off for awhile and for us that's a good thing don't imagine he is going to be a happy camper when he wakes up."

"My parents are here and my older brother is here too." She said, "so then I take it your parents are from Chicago."

"My mom was born and raised in Chicago. My dad is from Kentucky and went to med school in Seattle before moving to Chicago." I answered, "we moved to Seattle when I was just a baby."

"Any siblings?"

I laughed a little, "yeah I have a younger sister, twin sister."

"That must be cool."

"It has it's upside and downside just like any other brother/sister relationship." I answered, "best friends at times, on each others nerves at others. Just your normal siblings who are night and day."

"And you would be?"

"The day." I said, "I am definitely the day. Kate is the night one of us." I stood up and stretched a little, "just check his IV when you get that arm done and then he can finish sleeping it off unless Dr. Lockhart tells me otherwise. When your done why don't you run and grab something to eat since it's fairly quiet right now."

"Sure." She said as she kept working.

I got up to leave the room. I just needed to move around for a minute and there wasn't much else to do with that patient anyway.

"You get the guy in the suture room back together?" I heard Abby's familiar voice calling to me.

"Students is finishing up his arm as we speak." I said as I turned her direction, "why is there another one that needs my expert sewing skills?" I grinned a little when I said that.

"Not right now, you should grab some lunch." She said to me.

"Care to join me?" I said looking at her and then the board. "I'm not going to say anything." I said as I noticed that there was a small lull in things right now.

"Yeah I don't see why not." She said as we headed together out of the hospital and across the street to get something to eat. "How are things going?"

"They are going good." I answered, "why am I not doing something right?" I had to ask.

"No, no, you are fine." She said, "you've been doing good work. You seem to have a good student."

"Yeah she's okay." I answered as we headed down the street a little bit to a hot dog vender. I knew that we both had our pagers on so if something happened they'd page us. "It just feels weird to have a student. Mom says hello. I talked to her last night."

"Yeah she called me last night too, must have been after she talked to you." Abby smiled.

"Ahh, great my mother has gained another set of watchful eyes over me. Not that I blame her, I'd be worried about me too." I laughed a little as I glanced down over the rail at the river.

"Don't worry, but yeah she asked me to keep an eye on you. Not that she's worried about you killing anyone or anything like that. I think she's more worried that you are your father's daughter more than taking after her."

"I am but I'm not." I said, "don't worry I won't bring the powers that be down on you for being some kind of ER cowgirl. I'm the best of both of them… or so I have been told."

"I just never thought that I would be working with… well with you." She laughed as she shook her head a little, "I mean working with your mom and all was nice, but I didn't know your dad. Carter did though. He was a med student and your dad supervised him for a little while."

"Really." I answered. "Dad's a good doctor." My eyes went over the skyline, "I think that's why I'm here to show them all that, that's what he is, I don't think that he every thought he'd be working with his own daughter but I did work a few shifts with him, just not as his student… god that was weird."

"I bet that one was." Abby laughed, "you have to work with your mom?"

"Oh that was a good one too, do you know how awkward it is giving orders to your own mother. The entire time I was waiting to hear one of those young lady go to your room."

I heard Abby laugh a little harder, "Oh I'm sure she wished she could have told you that. You know your mom had this kick butt score on her MCATS according to Carter."

"Really I didn't know she had even thought about being a doctor."

"Well she did but realized that she loved her job, and that she didn't want to start all over again." Abby told me. "And she was really good at her job."

"She still is good at her job." I answered, "works really well with Dad. Those two in a trauma room you'd think that they could read each other's minds at times. Things go so smooth when they work together. Maybe Kate and I aren't the only ones with that connection."

"That's just from them working together for so long. Carter and I have days when we can work together like that and then there are other's where we can't seem to connect at all. I think it just depends on where the moon is aligned or something like that."

We started to walk back towards the hospital with hot dogs in hands eating and talking. Abby and I seemed to be getting along really well and it was nice to have an ally in the hospital. "Yeah, maybe someday I'll find someone like that, but right now I am far from looking."

"Yeah you have plenty of…."

That was interrupted by the sounds of pages going off, we were both beeping. I pulled mine from my lab coat pocket, "oh man ER Stat, what's up with that, doesn't Chicago allow for lunch?"

I glanced over to see her looking at hers too, "yeah that's what mine says too. I wonder what's going on."

"I don't know." I said as we picked up the pace towards the hospital inhaling what we hadn't managed to eat. As we neared the bay again the silence of the streets was broken by the sound of sirens wailing. "Whatever it is, something tells me it's not good."

"I am getting that feeling too. Just stay close to me and don't do anything if your not supervised." She said as we almost broke into a run now. We both knew that whatever this was, was not good and we were going to be hit hard.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

I didn't know what we were going to find when we got back to the ER. If we were both being paged, obviously it was something big. I would do what I was told though sticking close to Abby if that was going to be humanly possible. If it got hectic, I knew that it would be tough and we would have a thousand things to do. This would be my first major trauma. I had been in traumas as a student but didn't have a major role in them, now I was flying a little more solo and had more responsibility. I took a deep breath in trying to keep myself calm, my nerves were firing rapidly and I was getting those small butterflies in my stomach.

As we entered the ambulance bay the scream of sirens was almost deafening. They were starting to pull in now, not one at a time there were two getting ready and you could hear several more in the distance. There were doctors and nurses outside waiting to receive them.

"What's going on?" Abby called out at Carter who was getting ready to run up to an ambulance.

"Explosion down at the pier." He said. Those were not words that you wanted to hear. There were going to be hundreds of people down there on a nice day like this. I had a feeling that we were going to end up with the brunt of the patients from the look on Dr. Carter's face. You could see the tension lines on his face and it gave you a sense of the gravity of the situation. "Tess, run triage." I heard him say. And watched as Abby nodded in agreement.

"Got it." That wasn't anything that I couldn't do, or more importantly it was something that I knew I could do and wouldn't be in the way of those older, wiser doctors. My thinking was to let those with experience treat the wounded, all I had to do was sort through them and send the most critical back first. I took a deep breath as I got ready to do what was expected of me.

There were ambulances pulling in left and right now with the wounded, hurt, injured, and I found a feeling of being overwhelmed setting in. But I knew that I needed to keep a level head and get through this. I was sending patients back, those whose injuries were immediately life threatening but needed to be stabilized. I ended sending on man straight up to the OR, clearly that was the only place that was going to be able to help him; he had an arm amputated in the blast.

As the time went by things were frenzied, people were crying and you could tell several of them were scared and shaken up. You could see the look of being dazed and confused upon there faces. I can't say that if I had been through that I would have had the same blank look upon my face. The hours passed and a few times even I had to admit to myself that I was scared. I looked out over the waiting room and there were people packed inside now we must have gotten 200 people from this ranging from those who were DOA to those were just some minor skin lacerations and bumps and bruises. I had a handful of tags and as they game through the doors and checked them over quickly and tagged those in order of importance and how soon they could wait to be seen. It was controlled chaos that was the only way that I could think to describe it.

We got the major ones taken care of and the ambulances had slowed down now, I took one of the people who needed to be stitched up and looked over a little more. I was now sitting in the exam room with an elderly woman who had her granddaughter with her, who appeared to be no more than maybe three or four clinging to her.

"Are you sure you shouldn't be taking care of some of those other poor people darling." The older woman said to me as I got us settled into the exam room and prepped her arm to stitch up her laceration.

"Oh no ma'am." I replied in a very soft tone with her. "Here sweetie, why don't you sit next to grandma while I take care of her?" I tried to be very gentle with the toddler who appeared to be very scared right now and didn't want to let go, but with some soft soothing I managed to get her to sit next to her grandmother holding onto a small stuffed teddy bear.

"All right." The woman said. "You look pretty young, are you sure you're a doctor."

"Yes ma'am I'm sure I'm a doctor." I let out a soft laugh, "you'll get the best of care, and gentle hands even I promise."

She just smiled at me a soft smile and leaned over to kiss her granddaughters head. "I trust you."

I just smiled at her a little as I started to fix her arm being as careful and gently as I could with her. She seemed to relax a little and I occasionally glanced between her and what I was doing as I worked. For what she had been through it seemed as if she was in good spirits considering all that she had been through during the day.

As I worked I started glancing up at her more frequently, she was starting to look a little pale and I had to wonder if there wasn't something else going on. I was almost done now, "ma'am are you feeling okay?" I had to ask.

"Not really." She said, "my chest is getting all tight."

Had I missed something when I checked her over? That was the first thing that went through my head. I had seen so many people and tagged them, had I rushed with her and missed something because of her age. "Okay just take a deep breath for me."

I pushed the stand away and moved to look at her more carefully now. I couldn't see anything that would have been causing the trouble, I listened to her heart and lungs and she was moving air okay, but her she just seemed off. "I'm going to put you on a monitor," I didn't like the way that she was looking. As I got her onto the monitor she got worse, I could see her having more trouble breathing and I reached back and put her onto oxygen.

"Nana." I heard the little one say and I quickly picked her up and moved her to the side, "honey I need you to sit right here for me." I said with a firm yet gentle tone. I didn't want to scare her but I was getting more nervous by the minute.

"Mrs. McKinney?" I said noticing the woman was no longer conscious. "Mrs. McKinney?" I gently shook her and didn't get a response. Oh shit, I put my hand on her carotid artery feeling for a pulse and my heart about stopped when I didn't feel anything. There was nothing there. This woman was in serious trouble and I hadn't seen it coming. I ran to the door now, "I need help in here NOW!" I yelled before going back to the woman I needed to do something, there had to be something that I could do. I told this woman that I was going to take care of her and I let something like this happen. All I could think was how could I miss something like this. She wasn't stable, certainly not stable right now.

I couldn't let her die, but where was everyone. Time was racing by yet it seemed that it was taking forever and this woman didn't have forever. Her heart had stopped she was in cardiac arrest. "Abby! Carter!" I yelled frantically out the door again as I tried to start resuscitation efforts to safe her life.

Abby and Carter both finally came rushing in, I didn't have to say anything the monitors where blaring the severity of the situation that I had found myself in. They took one look and jumped right in.

"You should have called us sooner." Carter said, "you shouldn't be running a code yourself."

I just looked at him for a second before continuing on with what needed to be done. "I called you."

"You should have gotten someone sooner." That was the response that I got back from him. She wasn't doing well and I knew it, and I was getting this eerie feeling that this was my fault, that I should have seen this. This woman could very well die and it would be my responsibility. While Carter and Abby might have been the attending she was for all intense purposes my patient.

"We've got it now." Carter was almost snapping now, or that's what it sounded like to me. "Take the child to the family room she doesn't need to be in here, go."

I reached down and picked her up and took her to the family room and got her some juice and a small snack. I couldn't believe how things had gotten so out of control and I was trying to brace myself for the fallout that was going to come. I knew that Carter was upset and I knew that I was going to be chewed out for this one.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

I could have gone home, and in all reality I should have gone home. But I found myself getting a pair of pajamas from the peds unit for the little girl while she was there and tucked her under a blanket in the family room. At least it was quiet in there for her and the lights were down you could tell that the little one was tired and exhausted from her day of adventure.

I still hadn't heard anything from either Carter or Abby about the status of Mrs. McKinney and I was starting to get more worried as the time went by. I didn't fear the reprimand as much as what the outcome of all of this was going to be.

I sank down into a chair in there with a cup of coffee. I had the feeling that I was waiting for the firing squad to find me. Maybe they had thought that I had given up and gone home at the end of my shift which had ended hours ago. I couldn't bring myself to leave though even if I wanted sleep, leaving now I wouldn't get it anymore than sitting here just watching the now sleeping child. I let my eyes start to half drift shut, trying to catch a short nap but not wanting her to wake up scared in a strange place.

"Tess," I heard a voice calling softly to me.

I opened my eyes back up hearing my name called, "hmm," I muttered as I stood up and headed for the door not wanting the sound of voices to rouse the child. "What is it?" I half asked not knowing if I wanted to know the answer to that question.

"I thought you might want to know about Mrs. McKinney."

"Yeah of course I do." I replied to Abby as my eyes adjusted now to the bright lights of the hallway and I could see a little more than I could when I had first emerged from inside the family room. I blinked a couple more times as Abby's face came more into focus. The look on her face said more than I needed her to say. I ran my hand through my hair. "She didn't make it did she?"

Abby looked down and then back up at me, "no she didn't."

I glanced back into the room with the sleeping child. More worried for her than anything else. "Have you been able to locate her family?"

"They are on their way in right now. They lived up in Milwaukee." Abby said.

I didn't know what to say right now, but I did manage to nod my head. It felt like my heart was in my throat and my stomach turned again just a little bit. Nothing was coming to me as to what to say, I was speechless not that I would have been able to form words right now, either way.

"You should go home and get some sleep." Abby said, "you're shift is over."

I hadn't been able to take my eyes off the little girl. "Na, I don't want her to be alone, I'll stick around until her parents get here."

"It wasn't your fault Tess."

Yet those words from Abby were not very comforting. I had been taking care of the old woman, and it was my responsibility to make sure that she was triaged and taken care of; somehow I had managed to miss something very big.

"Really Tess, today you handle all that pressure better than any of us thought that you would." Abby looked at me now, trying to pull my attention back towards her and away from the sleeping child. "You triaged over 200 people in a very short amount of time, you did your job and you did it well. We can't save everyone, even though that's what we try to do. She didn't present with any kind of heart problem, you did what you could for her and sometimes that's all we can do."

"It wasn't enough." I said.

"Don't beat yourself up over this." Abby said, "you did what you could for her."

"It wasn't enough." I nearly felt like I was on autopilot and that was the only phrase that I knew right now. It was what I felt in my heart right now. There was a little girl laying in there that had come in with her grandmother and would be leaving without her.

Abby just looked at me now and I wasn't sure what to make of the look on her face. All I knew was that I was having a hard enough time trying to make heads or tails of the gambit of emotions that were running through my own head. I should have checked more, I should have been more thorough, I should have done something else, drug them in there when she started to show that she was worsening.

"Go home honey." She said, "either that or go find a place to lay down for a little bit, she'll be taken care of."

"I'm okay." I said the numbness that I was starting to feel coming out a little more. That woman was dead and I couldn't fix it now.

Abby put her arm around me now as she started to guide me through the hospital. I just let her lead the way, unsure of where we were going or what was up."

"This is the best place to clear your head." She said as we headed up and then outside onto the roof. "I used to hide up here all the time. In fact I still hide up here a lot."

You could see the Chicago skyline up here. The day had faded into night and the lights were twinkling in the distance. There was this feeling that you were alone on the roof, but yet somehow even up here in the silence of the night you never were completely alone. I just stood there and took in a deep breath knowing that it would probably take more than this to clear my mind.

"Tess," I heard her say to me now, "you are going to have a lot of patients that come through those door depending on you, there will be some that you can help and then there will be those who you will fight hard to try and save but won't be able to. They come to us in different states of illness, with varying degrees of injuries, we do what we can, and treat who we can treat and the rest is out of our hands. This was one of those fights that fell out of your hands. Hindsight you can look back and say I should have done this, or we should have tried that. All that any of us can do is use the skills that we have and do our best."

"Seems so simple when you put it that way." I answered her now, my tone soft, trying to suck up what ever emotion that I was feeling right now. "I should have gotten you and Carter in there sooner, that's all there is to it. The minute she started to turn I should have known that there was more to it than what I saw. I should have factored in her age, how frail and elderly she was and I didn't do it."

"200 people Tess, you saw 200 people, and none of us are perfect though we may try to be." She said to me now, "you know they say that you're not really a doctor until you've killed a patient. And well today that wasn't you. I can't say that it won't happen tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but there will be another that comes in here. You'll put today behind you and come in tomorrow and do it all over again, cause you are a doctor and this is what we do. We take in the worse of Chicago and patch them back up only to have them come back to us again and again. You've learned from this and that's what you're here to do."

I sighed a little now, "I know that part." I said giving her a half smile, nothing bright and wide but just a little acknowledgement that I heard what she said.

"When did you eat last?" I heard her ask.

"That hot dog with you." I answered.

"Come on why don't we walk across the street over to Ike's and get something hot to eat, something a little more than a hot dog." She said, "cup of coffee, maybe something chocolate."

"Okay." I muttered in response.

"Then if it will make you feel better when the family gets here, you can come with me when I talk to them." She put her hand around my shoulder. "I'll get one of the nurses to keep an eye on the granddaughter so you won't worry about her so much."

We started to walk down the stairs back through the ER stopping only long enough for Abby to get one of the nurses to keep an eye on the child and then we headed across the street. I wasn't going to knock getting some food.

"You were really good with that child." Abby said as we made our way inside and sat down. "You sure you're not going to be a pediatrician, you have a lot of your dad in you."

"No, I really don't get alone with kids like he does. I can befriend them for a little while, but there's something about treating them all day long that I just don't like. I told myself after my NICU rotation that it wasn't for me. Dad always thought it would be great if I followed him, but I just can't do what he does every day. This," I said pointing the direction of the ER, "is more my pace and style. I like the variety the change of pace. Old and young, not just one or the other."

"Sounds like you've given it some thought."

"Four years worth." I smiled back at her. "And one to many nights in an emergency department as a kid."

"You'll be okay," she said as we ordered and waited for our late night dinner. "I think that in time you'll settle right in, be part of the family over there in no time. You won Pratt over the other day."

"Oh that's doctor grumpy." I said with a smile. "Na, all I did was stay out of his way and do what I was told all day long. I still think he doesn't think I'm a doctor."

"Na he think you are one." She said back to me. "He just isn't used to having someone so young underfoot all the time. But winning him over is half the battle."

We sat and ate and talked for a little while longer. It had been a long day, I had learned a lot, and I was starting to make some new friends in my new home. Chicago wasn't going to be as bad as I thought it might be.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Once again thanks for the reviews, it keeps the flow going. Hope you like where the story is going._**  
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**Chapter Eight:**

It had been a hectic couple of weeks that was for sure. I was exhausted and more than thrilled to have a day off. My plans included nothing more than sleep, sleep and more sleep. I laid in the bed the sunlight warming my closed eyes. As I laid there I thought that maybe I should spend some of my two days off apartment hunting. I had been in town for almost a month and while I didn't mind staying with Aunt Lizzie, I kind of wanted to get out on my own a little bit more too. Interns didn't make loads of money but I had some tucked away and I could afford to move out.

I stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen finding some coffee and toast to munch on before heading back upstairs to take a shower. After getting cleaned up and dressed I went and sat down at the table and starting flipping through the paper to see what I could find. There were apartments available in the area, didn't seem to be a shortage of them it just depended on what I wanted to pay for a place to stay. I wrote down some addresses, made a few phone calls and then headed out to see what I could find.

It took me a few hours, yet I was getting better at moving around Chicago on the EL. That was taking some getting used to. Seattle I mostly took the bus since that was the mass transit there and while I could find my way around there, this was different for me. But I found what was going to be my new home. It was a little more than what I wanted to pay but it was within walking distance of the EL tracks. It was a small studio but I didn't need a lot of room and I wouldn't be home that much. I just wanted a place that was mine, sparse furniture and a bed was about all I was going to need.

I got back to Aunt Lizzie's and started to pack up what few things that I had brought with me from Seattle.

"Hey what have you been up to today?"

"Oh hey Aunt Lizzie. Nothing much, just went and found an apartment so that I can get out from under your feet." I said with a smile.

"Secure?" She asked.

"Yeah it's really nice. Well for what I can afford it's really nice. No sharing a bathroom or nothing like that. It's a studio, but I don't need much space and I won't have to worry about finding a roommate." I answered her as I continued packing.

"Do you want me to give you a ride, help you get what you might need?"

"Yeah that'd be nice." I said with a smile.

"You know you aren't under my feet at all, you don't have to move out."

"Oh I know that." I answered. "I just thought it would be nice to try and fly on my own a little bit. It's nothing fancy, but I will have a home of my own, kind of." I said, "don't worry, I know you can't keep as tight of an eye on me for my folks who I know are worried sick about me trying this, but I'll be okay really I will." I had to laugh a little now. "All grown up and I'm still being hen pecked."

"Oh not by me. No hen pecking from me, I have Ella to do that too." She said with the same kind of soft laugh, "come on show me this place of yours."

I threw my bag over my shoulder and headed out with her. We stopped by a grocery store and managed to pick up a few more odds and ends just to make the place a little more homey and once all the paperwork was signed, we got everything upstairs and I started to move it.

"This is a nice little apartment for you." Aunt Lizzie said as she put food in the fridge for me.

"Yeah it is, so when you talk to my parents would you make sure that they understand that I am not living in the slums." I said, "cause you know no matter how many times I tell them, they are not going to believe me unless it comes from a more reliable source."

"Yeah I will." She said. "It's not the Ritz but it's nice."

She stayed for a little while longer and made sure that I was fairly well settled in before she took off. When I shut the door behind her I couldn't believe that I was actually living on my own. I found myself walking around the small studio thinking to myself that I was finally out in the real world and would have to make it on my own now.

It was getting later in the evening now and I thought that maybe I would go out and meet up with the medical students. I had been invited a couple of times to go out with them and had always turned them down, but I couldn't see a reason now tonight why I couldn't go out and kick back a little it wasn't like I had to be up in the morning to work.

I changed my clothes and headed out now. I caught the EL train and got off close to where I knew that they would be. I took a deep breath in as I headed into the bar where they were all gathered.

"Hey Tess." I heard Gina call as I headed towards where the voice came from.

I just hoped that in the end I didn't feel to out of place once again hanging out with people who were older than I was. I sat down at the table where they all were gathered, "Hey Gina."

"Thought that you'd never join us on one of these nights out. You work to much." She said with a laugh, "this is Mike, Nathan, Morgan and Ryan."

I watched as she pointed people out hoping I could keep names straight now. She was the only one that I had spent a time with. "Pleasure to meet you." I said looking around the table.

"So you're the intern that Gina's been going on about." Ryan said as he scooted closer to me.

I smiled a little, "guess so."

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure, rum and coke." I smiled a little more now trying to relax, me and guys never seemed to get along that great and I think it was always cause I was way younger than the ones that were around me, but I wasn't getting that feeling right now.

A few minutes later he reappeared next to me and slid the drink in front of me. "Thanks."

"Your welcome. So you're not from Chicago?"

"No, Seattle." I said he was kind of cute. I was trying not to blush.

"Did you go to school there?"

"Yeah I did, University Of Washington." I replied with a bashful smile.

"Wow that's a tough one to get into, impressive I might add. You must have been a better student than I was." He said.

"Dilegint." I said, "I was very focused."

We sat there and made small talk and had a few more drinks. I knew that I shouldn't have had as many as I did cause I was starting to get too relaxed and a little light headed. I still had to make my way home.

"Why don't you let me help you home?" Ryan said as we were all getting ready to leave for the night.

"Yeah, sure." I said not thinking twice about it, we had hit it off really well that night and I found myself actually thinking that it might be nice to spend some more time with him.

We walked out into the warmth of the Chicago night. We strolled along before we got back to the EL platform. I wasn't sure where he lived or was staying in the city and knew that I would feel horrible if he lived across town and had to take me home before making that long trek back to where ever it was that he lived, but he stayed by my side. Seemed like he really wanted to make sure that I got home okay.

"Thanks for making sure I got home okay." I said when we arrived back at my apartment.

"It was my pleasure."

I couldn't help but notice his soft shy smile now, and it brought the same kind to my face. "Uh would you like to come in have some coffee before you make your way back to..." I didn't know where he was going, "to where ever it is you live."

He seemed happy to accept and I never knew just how far one cup of coffee would lead. This wasn't something that I normally did, hell it was something that I can't ever say I had ever done. But I think that I had left my better judgment back at the door of the bar, or lost it when I decided to go to the bar. I was an adult and well I thought that this would be okay to do, you know just this once. He seemed like a nice guy, there was something that had sparked between the two of us. The longer we were together the more I could feel the pull of that spark. I didn't know if this was going to be a one time thing, if he'd call the next day, the next week, never again. I didn't know if we would date a little, maybe at least once more.

Granted I would see him again at County, that would be inevitable, both of us working at the same hospital we wouldn't be able to avoid each other for long. I reached across the bed now where there had once been a warm body there was a cold spot with just the rumpled sheets tossed casually more towards my side of the bed. What had I just done, this was either going to be a good thing resulting in perhaps or a relationship, or I had just made the worst mistake of my life and I wasn't going to be able to undo it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9:**

The sound of the alarm blaring jarred me from my sleep, "ah," I muttered as I rolled over swinging my arm out missing completely with the first attempt to silence it. I swing again not wanting to open my eyes just yet. I felt my hand come in contact with the clock; silence filled the room now as I buried my head back into my pillow. I knew I needed to get up but just didn't want to this morning.

The smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen pulled me out from under my nest of covers as I stumbled towards the fresh smell. Liquid life, that's what it had become. The caffeine pushing some of the cobwebs from my sleeping brain. Full cup in my hands I now stumbled towards the bathroom and the sanctity of a hot shower. I was shocked that I hadn't heard from my parents in several days but at the same time it was a blessing. I turned on the shower and waited for it to heat up before actually climbing in.

I leaned my head against the wall so that the water was now streaming over my back. For the first time in a long time there was no one to tell me that I was taking too long, no banging on the door telling me that I needed to get out, that I wasn't the only one who needed the bathroom. I couldn't help but smile and wonder if Kate was loving the little luxury of nothing more than a bathroom to herself as much as I was.

Matchbox Twenty filled the room now letting me know that I had about 30 minutes until I had to walk out my front door. I had snaked a few of my dad's older CD's since I really didn't have that many of my own when I left Seattle, I wasn't sure if he'd even notice that I had taken them. He didn't listen to them very much anymore. I started to finish up my shower and step out to get ready for work. Dressed now, teeth brushed, I grabbed my travel mug filled with coffee as I locked up and headed for the EL to get to work.

My life had ended up sliding into a pretty predictable routine there for a little while and now there was an element of uncertainty that I was added into it. I hadn't talked to Ryan yesterday, not that I had really expected him to call right away or anything. But a little piece of me was wishing he had.

"Hey Tess."

I lifted up my head and watched as he slipped into a seat next to me. "Hey Ryan." I gave him a soft smile. A little nervous now almost unsure of how to react. If I was too excited to see him, or seem to overly happy, well that might just scare him away, and if I didn't show that I was happy to see him, well he might think that I wasn't interested, and I was definitely interested. But then I didn't want him to think that I thought that because of the other night expected anything from him, oh my god I was working myself up into a nervous frenzy.

"How you doing?"

"Good and you?" I answered back.

"Tired, but hey what can you expect being a student, I'm sure you're tired too."

"Yeah I guess so." I said. This was just way weird. Here I was younger than he was, he was a student and I was an intern and well we could date, there was no reason that we couldn't date. Or was there? I mean after all technically I helped to supervise the medical students, but he wasn't my student yet.

"What time are you off?"

"Oh I'm off at 7." I said, "working seven to seven today, tomorrow, and well for the next five days." I said.

"Maybe we could go and get something to eat, I mean that is if you'd like after you get off work and all."

I smiled and could feel the heat in my cheeks a little bit now. "Yeah I'd like that, sounds good to me. That is if you don't mind eating that late."

"Ah that's not late. I can meet you at the hospital if you want."

I shrugged my shoulders, "that would okay." What the hell why was I getting this feeling like I was in high school. This man was making me all nervous and giddy almost. I just needed to relax, it's not like we were serious or anything. One night didn't make a relationship; one date didn't make a relationship for that matter either. "This is our stop." I said as I got up and headed to get off the train.

"Yeah it is." He followed behind me. "Can I get you fresh coffee?"

That was a new one for me. A guy that was this interested, I was kind of in foreign territory. "Uh yeah that would be great. I mean this is almost gone anyway."

We stopped by the coffee stand and I was a little surprised a guy buying me coffee. I had to smile. "Thanks." I answered when he handed it to me.

"You're welcome." He said, "I guess I'll see you later in the day."

"Yeah I'm sure you will." I said as I headed for the lounge with that school girl smile still on my face.

"Morning Tess."

"Oh hey Abby." I said as I started to put my things into my locker and pull on my lab coat. "How are you this morning?"

"Enjoy your days off?" She was smiling a little as she looked at me with her head kind of cocked to one side.

"Yeah I did." I answered her as I picked up my coffee cup from the table again.

"Sure looks like you are feeling better than the last time I saw you."

"You could say that I am things are…. things are… well they are looking up for a change." I replied back heading for the door.

I heard her chuckle, "watch out we have a doctor on the verge of being in love."

"Ha not a chance." I said, "me and love those are the last two words that you will ever put together in a sentence."

"Yeah right Tess!" I heard her yell as the door closed behind me and I started my day. There was no way that I was going to fall in love, that wasn't going to happen. Please, I hadn't even really dated. Maybe once or twice it was kind of hard to find someone to date when you were years younger than those who you were constantly around. I had given up on finding anyone right now; I didn't want to even think about it really. Or was that was I was hoping for with Ryan. I might have reached the point in my life that I was actually thinking that I would like a relationship. I had the time now, I was busy with work, but I had a little more time for a social life, my nose wasn't constantly in a book all the time.

The day flew by rather fast; the steady flow of patients didn't seem to want to let up any time soon. Bombarded with four cases of the sniffles, the lovely elderly woman with her list of complaints that was a mile long and who tried several times to talk my ear off, two broken wrists, one broken leg, a drunk who had fallen down and cut his head open on the very bottle that he used to get drunk with, and the highlight of my day, the lovely ten month old who had a very bad case of the stomach flu whose mother had decided to let him eat right before he saw me and the minute I picked him up to check him over decided to return lunch. Which I was now wearing down my back and dripping from my hair. This was not what I had signed up for when I went to med school was it?

"Are you off Tess?"

I looked up from the chart that I was writing on, the discharge orders for my last patient. "Yeah."

"Oh, would you like to stop by your house before we go out?"

I gave him this, what had to be very scary look. "Yeah I would unless you don't mind going out with someone whose wearing baby barf and I think I probably smell now too." I tried to smile a little now, "I need a shower before we go anywhere."

He smiled at me, "not a problem, not at all. At least I know now I'm not the only one who doesn't have the jump down."

"I didn't have the chance to jump; this was just from the pick up alone. If I had jumped it might have been worse. Give me a toddler any day, but man infants, they scare me."

"Kids aren't my favorite either." He said smiling at me, "I didn't grow up around them, only child syndrome."

I put the chart in the rack and then motioned for him to follow me, "my dad's a pediatrician, well emergency physician and pediatrician, he's double boarded so I grew up watching him take care of kids. That's what he was hoping that I would do, but emergency medicine seemed to be more my calling than the pediatric part of the whole thing." I got to my locker and started to put my stuff away.

"Cool, you grew up in the hospital setting then?"

"Yeah my mom's a nurse." She said, "medicine is in my genes you could say I guess." I talked as we walked out of the hospital now.

"My dad's an engineer and my mom's a travel agent. Nothing overly exciting there."

"Cool, might not be exciting but being a doctor's daughter doesn't mean my life was exciting. It just meant that my parents worked 12 hour shifts and I didn't see them as much as I would have liked, but it's okay with me, they both love their jobs as much as the love me and my sister." We climbed onto the train now and headed for my apartment.

"Yeah that's right you said you had a twin sister when we were talking the other night." He smiled a little, "I'm really glad you decided to join us."

I smiled back at him, "yeah I am too."

We chatted back and forth getting to know each other a little bit more than we had the other night. The more that I talked to him the more I could actually see myself wanting to spend more time with him, we had a lot in common, a lot more than I had originally thought. We walked from the EL platform back to my house now and I let us both in.

"Hey make yourself at home, I'm just going to grab a quick shower and then we can go." I said, "there's soda in the fridge, I think that there's some other than diet coke in there."

I had left the door ajar and found that we talked while I got cleaned up and we decided to just catch a movie and order some take out. He ordered while I finished up and dressed in a t-shirt and jeans.

We munched on Chinese and found that we actually enjoyed talking to each other. We never did get to that movie either. After dinner and more conversation, this time without the aide of alcohol we managed to work from the small area where I had my couch over the five feet to where I had set up where I was planning on sleeping. It's not like I had a lot of room in here after all it was a studio apartment for a single woman.

I was tired and had planned on just closing my eyes for a minute when I felt someone shaking my shoulder, "Tess."

"Huh," I said cracking one eye open catching the clock 11:20, later than I thought it was that much I knew.

"You're dad is on the phone."

"Huh?" I must have been sleeping for I knew that I couldn't have heard him right.

"Tess, your dad is on the phone, come on wake up." I heard Ryan say a second time. "Here."

My eyes got wide as I saw that he wasn't kidding and that was indeed my phone that he had in his hands holding it out to me. I didn't think that I could sink any farther into that bed at that moment in time. All I could think was that I was going to have a lot of explaining to do, if my father wasn't on the first plane to Chicago as I was staring at the phone.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10:**

It took me a minute to reach out to take the phone from him. "H… h… hello."

"Tess."

"Yes daddy." I felt like a little kid right now who had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar after being told no a dozen times. I looked over at Ryan who had curled back up on his side. He was facing me with this grin on his face as if he was finding this one funny in some way. Oh he didn't know my over protective parents. And I was pretty damn sure that I was a sitting duck.

"You okay?" I heard him ask.

"Yeah I'm fine, it's just late Dad." I said, "you know you have to get this time difference thing down, it's almost 11:30 here and I have an early shift."

"Oh, so whose there with you?"

"I just have… I just have a friend over." I watched as Ryan grinned even more and I smacked him for it too.

"A friend."

"Just a friend Dad." I said. Ryan buried his head in the pillow, he was laughing at me now and I could hear the muffled sounds. "I'm 23 Dad; I am allowed to have friends stay over." Ryan lost it; he was enjoying this one to much. So I knew that I needed to level the playing field. "You know you and mom will have to meet him the next time that you are in Chicago, I'm sure that he would love to meet you." Ryan lifted his head and I could see him roll his eyes at me.

"Yeah I'd love to meet your dad." He muttered. "You're keeping me up."

"That's good cause I have a conference at Northwestern next weekend that I plan on attending. I thought that I could see your new apartment that Lizzie said you moved into; we can all have dinner together. I would love to meet your new friend."

I wanted to crawl under the bed right there and then. I wanted to die, seriously die, cause Ryan meeting my parents was not in my plans, not yet at least maybe in six months or so if we made it that long but not after only a couple of dates. "I'll have to see I don't know I might have to work dad. They have been keeping me pretty busy lately."

"After work then we can have drinks or something. I can meet your new friend so that your mother doesn't worry." He said to me.

I was sure that I was turning eight shades of red and I knew that he wasn't overly thrilled to have called knowing that with the time what I had been up to and I wasn't thrilled that my parents now knew about my extra curricular activities. Mom worry oh yeah right he wouldn't tell her that when he called that she had someone there with her, cause then her mother would be on the first plane to Chicago and would probably drag me kicking and screaming all the way to Seattle. "Well see Dad." There went any shot of a relationship my father would scare him away.

"I'll call you later in the week and let you know when I'll be in." He said, "go back to… no don't do that. Just go to sleep Tess. You and I will talk later."

I got up off the bed and walked into the other room, out of Ryan's earshot. "You don't have to worry so much." Not that, that phrase would ease his worries any. He was my dad, I think once you had kids of your own you had this isn't worry button that was forever triggered.

"Someone has to." He simply replied.

"Dad it's not like that." I protested now, "you meet him and you'll scare him off faster than I can say nice to meet you."

"Now would I do that?"

"Pete, David, Damien." I said my last three attempts at dating. Not a single one of them ever got passed the front door.

"You were too young for them. I told you that, Tess honey, you need to be careful, men are, well men are pigs and they will take advantage of you."

"Oh not this speech again." I rolled my eyes.

"Tess Ann I'm serious you could get into more trouble than you bargain for."

"No I'm won't. What do you think… no don't answer that." I tried to cut myself off I didn't want to know what my father was thinking right now about this. When he came to Chicago I would be getting an earful.

"You're being careful right?" He said.

"No I'm going out to every bar and picking up the first guy that I find and inviting him home." Oops that one was going to get me into hot water, but what was he going to do reach through the phone and strangle me. Perhaps take away the television. I might have respected my father and very seldom ever talked back but I was all grown up or so I thought.

"Tess, that's so not funny." He replied back to me, "like I said you and I will talk about this later."

"There's nothing to talk about." I said, "I've found a guy, I like him, he likes me, that's that. You honestly didn't think that I wouldn't ever take a liking to guys did you? That I might actually think about dating at some point in life did you?"

"That's not what I'm talking about and you know it young lady."

"Jesus Dad." I said, "look you called here, Ryan's sleeping in the other room." Well I wasn't lying there right now he was sleeping in the other room, I just wasn't in there right now with him anymore since I didn't want to be laughed at anymore and I knew partially where he was trying to go with this and I didn't want to go there, really I didn't.

"Just don't go out in the rain with out a raincoat okay?"

"What?" I said as that one flew over my head for a minute. "It's not raining." After I said that it dawned on me what he was trying to tell me. God I could be so dense when I wanted to be.

"Child if I could legally beat you I would."

"Yeah right." I replied. "You couldn't even if you wanted to. You don't have it in you. Don't you mean if you could reach me you'd flick my ear?"

"Funny."

"I'm trying to be. Please don't worry nothing is going to happen. It's not like… well I'm not going to get… oh please don't make me say it."

"If you're old enough to be doing it then you are old enough to talk about it."

"Not with you. Would you talk to Grandma about something like this?" I knew Dad was close to Grandma Ross but I also knew he was a wild child.

"Point made."

"Thank you. Good night dad." I said.

"Night." I heard him say before the line went dead and I knew he was probably sitting there banging his head onto whatever was near by and I returned to the bed laying back down.

"So I'm meeting your dad."

"Only if you want to die." I said looking over at him, "no only if you want to Ryan. Look you're not under any obligation to meet my folks, yes I think it would be nice, but I'm not going to force you to endure him after all we've only been out twice."

"Yeah but they were two very memorable events." He said. "And they are ones that I would like to repeat."

"Is that your way of saying that you like me?" I said smiling at him, teasing him a little, "or do you say that to every girl you meet."

"Nope only to you." He said moving closer to me and wrapping an arm around me pulling me now more into him. "You mind if I just sleep right here, I don't want to have to get up and catch the EL."

"Yeah you're more than welcome." I said snuggling into him a little more. My worries about this being a one night stand at least for now melting from my mind. But what Dad had said about going out in the rain stuck in my head. Next time we'd have to be more careful.

From tonight I knew that there would be a next time he was staying the night and that said more than he knew it did and him actually not being overly worried about meeting my dad was somewhat reassuring if my dad didn't go ballistic on him that would be even better I guess I would find out in a few days what my dad thought about all of this.

Not that he had much of a say in it. I wasn't under his roof anymore, perhaps hitting teenage rebellion just a littler later in life than normal but I really wanted to spend more time getting to know Ryan and if this is where our conversations ended up, then that's where it went. I could be doing a lot worse things in life than having this kind of relationship with a guy.

"Night."

I felt a soft kiss on the back of my neck, "night baby."

I guess I might have been a lot more like my dad that I had ever thought that I would be. But this was just one relationship, not like what Grandma said he had been like as a child. I remembered overhearing her talking once with mom about how she was happy that dad had finally found the one person he could settle down with, she wanted him to find that one special person to have a family with rather than bouncing around so much. There was a lot that I knew that no one knew I knew. My life was from the looks of things was going to be interesting and never have a dull moment in it.


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Just to clarify cause I know it can get confusing. I did mention Tess being 18, but that's when she was in grad school. You have four years of undergraduate work, then four years of Medical school. She's a little faster, you are about 25 when you're a med student, and she's only 23 and has finished all 8 years of school. Sorry if I didn't get that completely clear in an earlier chapter._

**Chapter 11:**

Things were going really well between Ryan and I and I was getting this feeling almost as if there could be a long term thing here. But then everyone felt that when you thought you had something good.

Dad was good to his word and did call me later in the week. This time managing to catch me alone. He would be getting in later today and Aunt Lizzie was going to pick him up from the airport.

"Ready for tonight." I heard a voice call from the next couple of gurney's over.

"Yeah I guess so." I said as I worked on putting sutures into a young man's hand.

"You're dad's not going to ask me a million questions or anything like that is he? I mean it won't be an interview to be able to date his daughter."

"That Ryan I don't know." I said, "honestly you are the first guy that I have seen more than twice."

"That has to say something." He said.

I glanced over to see how he was doing, "little smaller." I said, "yeah it says that I am far away from them and they can't move far enough to get to me." I let out a little laugh, "it will be okay, I'll play referee if I need to."

"That makes it sound that much more promising." He said as he leaned over and gave me a soft kiss before I backed away.

"Yeah well, just finish that up, they are piling up on you. I have other patients that I need to see so that I can get out of here." I smiled softly at him.

"Yeah we both need to get out of here."

"Oh don't remind me, let me forget about it for a little while okay." I gave him my big brown puppy dog eyes, the ones that I could use to weasel out of about anything.

"I won't mention it again." He said with a smile as he started to bandage the cut he had been working on.

I smiled as I headed off to do the other things that I needed to do before the day ended. You could say that I was definitely nervous about tonight. There were knots in my stomach; butterflies were flying in there something awful right now. I just needed to work the rest of my shift and then I would have to face the music.

"There's my doctor daughter."

I knew that voice anywhere and it forced me to look up from the pile of charts that were in front of me as I screwed on a smile just for him. Gently shaking my head back and forth as I watched him walk closer to where I was working. "Hey dad."

"Look at you Dr. Ross."

"Ha," I laughed a little, "sorry I never thought that would be something I'd hear from you."

"Well you are, now are you?" He said pulling me into a hug.

"Yeah guess I am." I said, "good to see you dad."

"It's good to see you too baby girl." He smiled as he looked around the ER, "so you liking your new hospital."

"Yeah I am." I said, "Abby I'm out of here." I called when I saw her.

"Have a good night," she called back as she glanced over her chart. "Hey Doug."

"Hi Abby." He said.

"Doug!" Susan called from around the corner, "what you doing here?"

"Hey Susan." I watched as Dad let go of me and went over pulling Susan into a big hug, "how are you?"

"Good, how are you, ya old dog." Susan had a giant smile on her face seeing my dad.

"I'm good in town for a conference and of course checking up on my baby girl over there."

"You have quite the prodigy over there; she's been great to have." I heard Susan say, all I could do is smile.

"Yeah well I am taking her away for now. Dinner and drinks with her old man." He said, "I'll talk to you later. Come on baby girl shake a leg."

"I'm coming." I said as I headed for the lounge now and walked inside, "hey Ryan you ready for this."

"Ready as I'll ever be." I heard him say as I was putting things into my locker.

I glanced over and saw that he had his nose in a medical book. "Okay then." I walked over to where he was sitting and plopped down next to him my hand landing on his knee. "We'll get this over with. I'm sure he won't Spanish inquisition you."

"Ah well thanks for the vote of confidence." He leaned over a put a kiss on my cheek.

"Hey what's taking you so long Tess?"

I about flew off the couch into the air landing on my feet standing up now both my hands back next to my own body. "I'm coming dad." I said glancing over at Ryan who stood up. Oh I didn't want to be doing this, I almost wished that we both had to work nights or something. "Dad, this is Ryan McDermott, Ryan this is my father, Dr. Doug Ross." That came across a little more formal than I wanted it too.

I watched Ryan stand up putting his book down. "Pleasure to meet you Dr. Ross." He extended his hand and I watched as my dad shook his hand.

They both looked at each other. It was as if they were having this stand off of sorts, perhaps it was the male testosterone. Some prehistorically ritual that women just didn't understand, but I knew that it made me nervous.

"So how about if we go and have some dinner." I said, that beer was sounding more and more better by the minute.

"Sounds good honey." I heard Ryan say.

I watched as my dad rolled his eyes at that one. Ohh, I felt now like I was trapped between two warring factions in a way. Daddy being himself overly worried, overprotective, Ryan trying to stand his ground and not let my dad intimidate him.

"Come on Tess." Dad put his arm around my shoulders, "let's go."

We all walked out of the ER and I watched as my dad hailed a cab for the three of us. Ryan didn't seem deterred at all with the conversation. I was actually a little impressed that he had managed to stick around this long. My dad could be brash at times and nothing seemed to rattle him.

The talked a little in the car and I was sandwiched between the two of them. Trying so damn hard to keep my hands in my lap not waiting to be overly affectionate right now. I knew once we went home I was going to have to listen to another lecture which I found odd. How many other parents actually attempted to lecture their grown children?

Dinner was okay, they continued to talk and I was mostly silent adding on what I needed to every now and then. I could tell that my dad was seriously trying to size this guy up and make sure that he was okay for his daughter to date.

Dinner wrapped up and we all got ready to go. I pulled away from my dad just a little more, so that I could talk to Ryan with out him standing right there listening. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"You will." He smiled putting his hand under my chin so that my eyes were looking right at his. "Don't worry, he didn't scare me off."

I smiled and let out a soft laugh, "that's good to know."

"He's only here for a couple of day's right, flying back out on Sunday."

I nodded, "yeah he's going back to Seattle on Sunday."

He pulled me into a hug, "you'll survive the weekend and I'll see you Sunday night." He grinned down at me now, "it's just a couple of days."

I smiled back at him, "yeah I'll call you when I drop him off back at the airport and we can meet up somewhere."

"That sounds like a plan." He squeezed me a little tighter and kissed my forehead.

"Is that all I get." I grinned now.

He didn't let me out of the hug, "I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your dad there." He said, "you've been keeping your hands to yourself all night long."

I glanced over at me dad and then back at Ryan. "Oh I think that I can handle a small kiss before having go home all alone."

He gave me a soft small kiss, "you won't be all alone." He had to laugh a little. "You'll have company and probably the fifth degree now."

"Tess come on." I heard him calling now.

"I'm coming!" I called back. "I'll see you later, stay safe."

"You do the same okay. Call me."

I jogged away from where I had been standing with Ryan and headed over to my father. "I'm here." I said with a smile as we headed back to my apartment. Dad was really quiet and it was making me even more nervous. This wasn't going to be good, it couldn't be good. All I had to do was weather the storm and things would be okay. From the way Ryan talked he hadn't been ruffled by dad so that was good. Now if I could do the same thing.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12:**

I unlocked the apartment door and let us both inside. I was sure that he would find something wrong with it.

"This is nice Tess." He said as he walked inside of the apartment setting his bag down next to my couch. "You have a nice apartment."

That shocked me. "Thanks." I said, "can I get you anything, I have some soda or I can put the coffee on."

"No I'm okay."

"Okay." I said as I walked into the kitchen and pulled out a diet coke. I knew that he probably wanted to talk and I didn't know if I wanted to have a conversation of that nature, but I was curious in a way to see what he might have thought about Ryan.

"Dinner was nice you picked a nice place." I heard my dad say.

"I'm glad you like it. Ryan thought it would be a nice place for dinner." I answered as I sat down on the couch next to him.

"He seems like a nice young man."

I almost had to do a double take when I heard him say that, "yeah he is."

"He seems to make you smile Tess."

"Oh he does Dad." I said, "I'm have a good time when I'm with him and miss him when we're apart."

"You know what that sounds like."

"No what?" I asked him.

"It sounds like something that a friend told me your mother said about me once." He said looking over at me, "you know all a parent can wish is that their children and healthy, find there way, and in life are happy."

"And if I told you I was happy. That I love my job, I love living in Chicago that I have finally found my calling and place in life." I didn't take me eyes off him. We had always had that great father/daughter relationship and I didn't want to stress it, but I wanted to spread my wings and fly on my own.

"Then I would know that I have done my job up till now."

"But you are always going to worry aren't you?" I asked.

"I will worry about you always Tess. From the moment you came into the world until I take my last breath on earth I will always worry about you. It's not that I don't want you to be independent or to go off on your own." He said, "kiddo it's because when I look at you, I see me. And I don't want you to have to go through the same mistakes that I made."

"Now you're going to make me cry." I said hugging onto him. "I'm not trying to be defiant or a pain in your butt or even make you worry Daddy." I said, "I'm just trying to find me. Make heads or tails of all of this."

"I know Tessie." He said, "you know you and me, we've been together a long time. You and I have a different relationship than what I have with Kate. You are special to me. You know that don't you kiddo, you're my baby girl."

"I know daddy." I said giving him a butterfly kiss on the cheek. "Try not to worry, you know I'm going to get my heart broke more than once, but if I don't try I'll never find anyone."

"Listen to you." He said to me, "don't worry Tess, I don't dislike the boy, I can't say that I like him but I can honestly say that I don't necessarily hate him."

"I'm glad to hear that Daddy I'm really glad to hear that."

"Good kiddo."

We sat and talked for a little longer before I needed to head for bed. I did have to work tomorrow and he had the conference to go to. It was good to see my dad and to have some time with him. And it made me feel even better that dad seemed to like Ryan. Guess there was hope after all.

The next morning I got up and went to work and dad went off to his conference at Northwestern. Med students weren't there on the weekends and I missed seeing his smiling face every now and then as I went through the day.

"Tess, your Dad, Carter, Dr. Lewis and I are going to meet up for dinner and drinks, care to join us?" I heard Abby say to me as I was getting ready to leave for the night.

"Oh no I think I'll pass." I said with a smile, "war stories about my dad and you guys are not something that my tender sensitive ears should be hearing." I grinned a little more now, "besides, you wouldn't want me to know about all his antics and follow suit now would you?"

I heard Abby laugh and then Carter's voice from behind her. "No, now your dad was the king of practical jokes, one Dr. Ross is about all this place can handle."

"Ahh now Dr. Carter," I smiled at him, the older doctor had been good to me, never hesitant to answer any question that I might have or point me in the right direction every now and then, "Dr. Ross that part I can't help, but he left some pretty big shoes, that I really don't intend to fully fill."

"Tess you have to stop calling him Dr. Carter, you are going to give him a big head." Abby smiled at him, "in all the time I have ever known or worked with him, he has always been Carter."

"You got that right." Susan said, "actually calling him John, or even Dr. Carter, that just… well it's not right and never will be right."

I watched as both women started to laugh a little.

"I see Carter is still the butt of your jokes Susan." That was clearly my dad's voice now filling the ER.

"Yeah he always will be, not as bad as it used to be when we were all here, but he still finds himself there quiet often."

"Ha, some things will never change." My dad said. "You joining us old timers tonight there baby girl."

"Nope dad I think that I am going to pass, that's one invitation that I will have to pass up. Dinner and drinks with my parent's buddies, without you it's okay but with you, I might learn more than a daughter should about her daddy. I'll keep you as my hero if you don't mind."

"Oh god Doug's someone's hero." Susan laughed, "come on studs let's go and have ourselves something to eat and drink, you can share stories of how you have become domesticated, just like the rest of us."

"Have fun, I won't wait up." I called out as I headed out of the ER before they did. Free for the night and I knew just what I was going to be doing. It didn't involve Dad and his friends, but my people my own age. I flipped open my cell phone once I was out of their range and dialed his number.

"Hello."

"Hey you." I said hearing his voice on the line.

"Hey baby, what's up didn't think that you'd be calling."

"Can't think of a reason not to." I was smiling as I headed for the EL. "I'm on my way home and see my dad is going out with his friends that he used to work with, so I have some free time, you wouldn't happen to have any of that would ya?"

"Yeah I might be convinced to free up some time for you."

I had to laugh a little, "oh be convinced huh. Well I'm not into that so it's either going to be that you take me up on the offer or well I sit at home… all alone.. in my…"

"I'll be there in 20."

"Why did I just know you were going to say that?" I answered back.

"Because you know that I like you." He said.

I could hear the sound of a door closing, so I knew that he was leaving his place to come over to mine. I could have gone over there, but he had a roommate and well that would mean that we'd have company.

"Yeah I know that." I said as I got onto the EL and sat down. "I found myself thinking today."

"And what might you have been thinking about?"

"How much I was hating the weekends and the fact that med students don't have to be there. That you only have to be there Monday through Friday and I had to go all day today with out seeing you smile." I said.

"You have it bad don't you?"

"Have what bad?"

"Never mind there baby doll. It's cute that you missed me even though it hasn't been more than 24 hours since we last saw each other."

"What can I say; I am rather fond of you already." I said. "You and I we've got this bond thing going. Not quite as good as the one that I have with Kate where I can finish her sentences for her but a lot like it."

"I'll take that as a compliment and no, I can't read your mind… but I have a pretty good idea of what you might be thinking."

"Do you now." I said with a smile. "That you are making the train ride home a little more bearable by being on the phone with me."

"Yeah sure that is exactly what you were thinking. Why do I feel like I am back in high school sneaking around with you?"

"I don't know cause technically you are not sneaking around to be with me. You're on a completely different train than I am." I answered. "But I'll see you soon."

"That you will."

I hung up the phone and sat back for the rest of the ride. I wasn't that far from County and while the ride felt like it took forever it really didn't. Ryan arrived shortly after I did and we made ourselves comfortable on the couch sitting and talking. We turned on a movie but really didn't watch that much of it, we were just happy to be together for a little while with out another pair of eyes watching us.

"Will your dad be out late?"

"Not sure, he usually is when he goes out with friends. But then he's getting old ya know, they kind of lose their ability to party until the wee hours of the morning, but I've known him to sit and have coffee talking with people until 2 or 3 am. Used to drive my mother nuts all the time."

That was all he seemed to need to hear before he pulled me in close and starting to place those small kisses that made you melt just a tiny bit more with each one. Small and tender there was no way that anyone's resolve could hold up under that onslaught of affection. With the lights turned down low we enjoyed each other's company just snuggled up to one another, it didn't go much past that tonight which was okay with me. It felt good to just have some attention after a long days work and with being tired from the long hours; I drifted off to sleep laying there on the couch with my head on his chest the beating of his heart and the rise and fall with each relaxed breath my lullaby.

Both of us must have drifted off cause the next sound I heard was the door opening and shutting. I moved a little as it registered that I heard someone leave or enter, but when I moved my head I was still snuggled up on top of Ryan. When I lifted my head all the way I came face to face with my dad standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and there almost this glare in his eyes.

"Hey dad." I said as I started to wake up a little more. I couldn't understand why he looked so upset with me. It wasn't like he had walked in on anything and I was fully dressed granted I was in a tee and flannel pajama bottoms but I didn't think anything about that. "Have fun with your friends." I asked as I grabbed for the remote to turn the blue screen on the TV off.

"You could say that." He said, "wasn't expecting to return here and find this."

"Find what, me and Ryan, we were watching a movie and I fell asleep guess he did too." I hadn't bothered to wake him up yet. Although the sound of my dad's voice probably would here in a minute.

He didn't say anything else he just moved from where he was standing over to where I had set up a place for him to sleep. Aunt Lizzie had brought over a rollaway bed so that if I ever had company such as my parents they would have a place to sleep, my apartment didn't offer much in the way of privacy but it would have to do for now.

"Dad don't be like this." I said, "the silent treatment only works if I have actually done something wrong and I haven't done anything wrong."

He still didn't say anything; it was almost as if he didn't hear me. I just sighed not knowing what to do to fix this now.

"Dad please come on." I said as I noticed Ryan starting to stir a little more. "Honey you need to wake up, go on up to bed."

That phrase seemed to earn me nothing more than another glare from my dad. There wasn't anything that I could say right now that was going to get through to him. "Fine Dad you sit and you stew, you be pissed, mad, upset what ever you want to be at me right now cause I don't know I did."

I went over and climbed into my own bed once again I'd rather be sleeping there than on the couch yet there was a chill in the room now and I knew that I would have to find a way to fix things before he went back to Seattle or I wouldn't be able to focus and concentrate. I hated it when he was mad at me, I always had and I always would.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13:**

I laid there on the bed. Ryan snoring soundly near me. Dad being upset at me, and I knew he was upset with me, was making it so that there was no way I would get to sleep. I quietly got up off the bed not wanting to wake up either of the people that where sound asleep.

I crept through the apartment. I could hear Dad's snoring. It wasn't loud but after living in the same house you could tell which parent was sleeping after all those years. I walked still trying to be quiet into the kitchen. I had this giant walk in closet that went from one room into the other so I could walk past where he was with a little more ease and less fear of waking him.

I stood in the kitchen now thinking. I didn't know anymore what to think. I wanted to be able to have a relationship with Ryan but I didn't want to lose the closeness that I had with my dad. I found myself sinking down on the kitchen floor with my hands wrapped around my knees and my head resting against them. I was fighting back what felt like tears that were wanting to form in my eyes. I hated it when he was upset, more than I had ever let on. Yeah every parent knows that you don't like it when they are upset with you but it almost broke my heart the way he acted when he came back into the apartment. It felt like he was disappointed in me in some way.

"Couldn't sleep?"

I heard a voice in the kitchen and I lifted up my head, "no, I couldn't. I'm sorry if I woke you up. I was trying to be quiet."

"You didn't wake me up."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say to him right now. I used to have this knack when Kate and I were in trouble, and we usually ended up getting into trouble together, of being able to know what to say to keep us from getting into even deeper hot water. Know what to say to make them just a little less mad at us, talk my way out of what ever it was that we had done. This time I had no idea how to do that and that was frustrating. I couldn't have him leave and know in my heart that he was disappointed in me.

"What's wrong Tess?"

I just shook me head; it was about all that I could muster with as fast as my head was thinking. I couldn't just say I was sorry and that I wouldn't do it again, that wasn't going to work this time. "Nothing."

"Come on there are usually only two reasons why you are not able to sleep. I know you, one of them is that you have done something that you knew you shouldn't have and the other is that you have this feeling that you have someone upset with you. You've been that way since you were a little kid. So which is it? Otherwise you'd be out like a light. You like your sleep to much not to get some."

I felt him sit down on the floor next to me. I looked over at him, "aren't you going have a hell of a time getting up off the floor?"

"It's worth it." He replied back to me.

"I don't know about that." I said back, keeping the conversation away from where I needed it to go.

"Yeah it is, so come on kiddo; you have to talk to me. That's like one of those unwritten rules that you and I have. Granted we don't have the chocolate milk and the Oreo's that we normally have with these late night chats, but I'm still here." He nudged my shoulder now.

"I know." I said. I leaned over and opened up one of the lower cupboards and then stood up and grabbed the carton of milk from the fridge. "Yeah we do."

"There's something really bugging you if you're pulling these out." He said.

"Mom's not here so we get to drink it out of the carton right?"

That got a laugh from him, "yeah if you promise this time not to tell her, you got me in trouble with her the last time remember?"

"I couldn't get out of that one, she had me cornered and there was no lying to get out of it." I said, "that was my lipstick on the carton."

"Well it sure wasn't mine." He laughed again. "So kid talk to me, don't make me pull out some kind of giant fatherly thing cause I'm running out of material here."

"Yeah, yeah," I said as I broke open a cookie. "Getting impatient in your old age aren't you."

"Tess."

"Yes."

"Talk child." He said as he reached over and stole the cookie from my hand. "Or I will hold your cookies hostage."

"Yeah sure," I said looking over at him, "you know this isn't one of those easy to start conversations."

"What do you mean?"

"Dad when have I ever really needed to talk to you about well, guys."

"I don't think we've ever really talked that much about it." He said, "no offense there baby girl but you never really seemed that interested in that aspect of growing up and I wasn't in a rush for you to get there. That's not really something that you want to think about your kids doing."

"Daddy," I said looking over at him, "you had that look that I've only seen a few times, it's not one that you use a lot, what did I do to disappoint you?" Once I said that I had to look down, "I don't want you to be that, I don't like it, it makes me feel horrible."

"Oh Tessie, honey," He said giving me a soft hug, "I'm not disappointed in you, I was just well caught off guard, but I'm not disappointed in you not at all, perhaps maybe a little upset with what I saw, I don't approve of what you are doing."

"That's just it I wasn't doing anything." I answered, "what you saw is what it was. We were watching a movie and I fell asleep on the couch. I had all my clothes on; he had all of his on too." Now I was kind of saying what I knew he wanted to hear, full disclosure was not something I was willing to give at this point.

He looked at me and I wasn't sure if he was going to buy all of that or not but for tonight what he saw was just what it appeared to be. "You really do like this guy don't you?"

"Yeah I do." I said, "there's just something special about him. I don't know what it is, and I can't explain it. We've only been together for a little while, few dates, working together, but yeah I do like him. You know me, if I didn't I wouldn't have given him the time of day."

"I know." I heard him sigh now.

"Nothing bad is going to happen Daddy." Why was I trying so damn hard? If he didn't like him then there wasn't much that I could do to change his mind. It's where I got my stubbornness from, "we're going to be okay, I just… Daddy what you think, you know it matters to me it always has and it always will. You're the one person that I really listen to when you say something, I don't take it lightly."

"I know you don't Tess." He said.

"You and I are we okay then?" I asked.

"Yeah you and I are okay, don't worry none, now that you have had your cookies and your milk you think you can sleep now?"

I hugged him this time, "now that I know you're not mad at me, yeah I'll be able to sleep. Why did I have to be the daddy's girl?"

"Because Kate was born momma's girl so you got stuck with me." He gently poked me before I could see his smile and then his father side came out a little more. "Now you run off to bed. Get some sleep before the sun comes up and I have to find a caffeine IV so that you function in the morning."

I kissed his cheek as I stood up off the floor, "night Daddy."

"Night baby girl."

I walked back through the closet and up to the bed sliding back under the covers and back into my spot next to Ryan.

"You have a good relationship with your dad." I heard him whisper into my back.

"I'd like to think so." I answered back in the same soft voice.

"It's cool; I wish I had that with my parents. You're lucky baby to have a family that loves you."

"Yeah I am." I snuggled closer next to him, "and I'm beginning to think that I am lucky to be here with you too. At least you're not scared off by him."

"Not at all. He hasn't said that he hates me, so that's a good thing, he's just watching out for you that's all and that's what dad's do."

"That's for sure." I said letting out a yawn. I was lucky and I knew it. I was lucky that I had both my parents and that they really did love me, even if at times they almost smothered me, but yet at the same time they really were my biggest cheerleaders and supported everything I attempted and tried, "I wouldn't be where I was if I didn't have them."

"Night baby."

"Night Ryan."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

I got my Dad off on his flight back to Seattle, I had been sad to see him go but felt better now that he had met my Ryan. Although I had to admit that it had been rather awkward to have my Dad of all people see what he had seen but then he was cool with it, or rather as cool as he could be with it.

I had to be at the hospital bright and early this morning and was having a hard time kicking my butt into gear. There was a staff meeting and I needed to be there for it. Why they called the night shift in for morning meetings was beyond me and I found it to be a little cruel. I should have had my head on my pillow still, but alas when the boss calls a meeting you jump.

Three cups of coffee later and a very cold shower in an attempt to get the sleep from my very tired body I managed to pull my ragged body into the ER once again.

"Thought you were on last night?" I heard that oh so familiar voice say as an arm went around my waist.

"Yeah well I was." I answered back. "Good morning to you too," I patted the hands that were holding onto me now, "I have to get into the lounge baby there's a meeting starting here shortly and I can't be late. That would not make a good impression on the boss."

"You worry too much Tess."

"What can I say, that's a trait of mine that you are going to have to learn to love." I answered once more. "Now come on let go, I got to go."

"Yeah see you after work." He kissed my cheek.

"If you are lucky," I said smiling back as I put my hand on the door to go into the lounge. Uh oh they were all in there now and it looked as if it had started without me being there.

"Dr. Ross, how nice of you to join us," I heard the woman standing there say to me.

"Excuse me being late." I said as I slid into a seat that was right there. Next to someone that I didn't know that well but it was going to have to do for right now cause I wasn't going to go looking for another empty seat.

I listened to the doctor drone on about supplies and hours and where we needed to cut corners, new policies. The whole time trying desperately to stay awake, being an intern with night hours was really starting to wear on me. Finally she was quiet for a minute asking if there were any questions, I just nodded no, there wasn't much else that at that moment in time I had any energy to do.

"Dr. Ross, can I please have a moment of your time."

What had I done now, okay other than walking into her meeting just a little late, could have sworn that the memo I got said 10 am. Might have read it wrong but I highly doubted it.

"Yes," I said in a very polite tone, not wanting to push my luck.

"I'm Dr. Weaver." I heard her say.

I smiled back softly at her from behind my very tired eyes; this must have been the woman that my mother had been talking about. "It's a great pleasure to meet you."

"It's nice to see you again." She said, "The last time I saw you, you were just this little thing. I'm a little surprised that with your mother being a nurse and your dad being a doctor that you went into medicine at such an early age."

"I think it's from growing up in the hospital honestly." I answered back.

"Well I'm sure that you will fit in here just fine, you look like your mother." She said to me.

"That I do." I answered back.

"She must be very proud of you."

"They both are." I said with that soft smile still on my face. I was trying very hard to be polite.

"Dr. Carter says that you are doing very well, that you are bright and willing to learn."

"That I am, I take after my father in those regards when it comes to patients." After that came out I realized that it probably wasn't the best thing to say, "that and Aunt Elizabeth has been a great influence." I didn't think that would completely save myself, but it was worth an after shot.

I could almost see her cringe when I mentioned my dad. "How are your parents?"

"Mom's fine." I replied, "Dad was just here over the weekend and he's doing well. Kate is as well."

"That's good give your mother my regards." She said as she turned towards the door, "I should let you go I know that you were on all night."

I didn't have a good feeling about this anymore. "Thank you Dr. Weaver."

"I think I might have you work some days here, see you in action myself." She said.

Oh no, I fought to not roll my eyes now, knowing that I was going to be under a microscope for awhile again. "That would be fine with me." There was no way that I could say that I would rather she not mess with my schedule, but days would give me a little more time to spend with Ryan.

"Good, look forward to it."

"Me too," I say now as I fight the urge to run for the door and get out of there and almost run smack dab into Ryan. "Hey, nice catch there darling," I say as he keeps me from falling on my face forgetting that Weaver is right there behind me and that I am technically dating a med student. Granted that shouldn't have been any kind of problem as I wasn't his teacher per se, just one rung above the ladder.

He smiled at me and laughed, "Running out of here already?"

"Mr. McDermott, don't you have patients that you should be tending too?"

I didn't even flinch, just way lowered my voice, "go on I'll see you in a little bit okay?" I pulled myself back together somewhat and started to back away but not without getting that goodbye kiss from him. I just smiled and shook my head there wasn't much else that I could do at that point for I was already on her radar.

I took the EL back to my apartment and walked inside, I just wanted to go back to bed. I changed into an oversized tee shirt that I had snaked from my dad without his knowledge or so I thought that. I pulled the curtains shut so that the room was a little darker than it had been before I pulled the covers back and snuggled under them. Ryan had his own key and I knew that he could let himself in when he got off just in case I wasn't up by then.

I had just closed my eyes when the phone rang. Oh no what now. I rolled over reaching for it putting it up to my ear, "Tess Ross." I said.

"Hey Tess, its Susan," I heard the voice on the other end say.

"Hi Dr. Lewis what can I do for you?"

"Schedule change," I heard her say, I was expecting that after my run in with Dr. Weaver "don't come in tonight, tomorrow morning bright and early, seems you have the attention of the Chief of Staff and she wants to evaluate your work personally."

"Lucky me," I mutter.

"Yeah I would say lucky you, she doesn't come into the ER very often anymore but somehow you caught her attention."

"No," I said, "I didn't catch her attention; the fact that I am Doug Ross's child caught her attention." I sighed now. "I will be on my toes for the Chief of Staff you don't have to worry Dr. Lewis."

"I know you will be Tess, don't worry, just don't kill anyone and the day should go just fine."

"Hey if it gives me days I'm not going to complain." I said into the phone.

"Go back to bed, you sound tired."

"Thanks Dr. Lewis, see you in the morning." I said as I hung the phone up and laid flat on my back now. Tomorrow was going to definitely be a very interesting day.


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: I know that this one has been a long time coming for an update and I'm sorry but I got trapped in AP and the homework and memorization for it stole what free brain cells I had._

Chapter 15:

I awoke rolling over to catch the numbers on the clock, it was only a little after three now. My head felt like there was someone pounding on it. Not the time for me to get a migraine. I rolled back and pulled the covers tightly around me, the room was still dark, yet even though I had gotten in a decent nap I still felt completely exhausted. Maybe I was just coming down with the flu. Not that I needed that right now either but what could I do. I worked in a germ invested environment where everything and anything was coughed up. Whatever it was I just hoped that I would be able to sleep it off. I closed my eyes and drifted back to a very uncomfortable sleep.

"Tess."

I thought that I had heard someone calling my name and then a gently shaking of my arm.

"Tess."

Ugh there it was again. I didn't want to wake up; I was feeling worse than I had when I had half-woken up earlier in the after noon. "Leave me alone." There was something or someone sitting on my chest now and I just wanted it to stop. I pulled myself up in the bed now a little thinking that if I just got a little more upright I could breathe a little bit better. I had a great case of the flu now for sure.

"Tess honey," I heard Ryan now a little more clearly.

"Sorry…." I said really working hard now to get in a deep breath of air, "I'm not feeling good." I felt another body sit on the bed and assumed it was him.

"You don't look to hot." He said as I felt a hand go up to my forehead.

I batted it away, "I'm sure it's just the flu nothing to worry about hazards of working in the ER."

"No flu shot?"

"Yes I had a flu shot, that doesn't mean that I won't get it, it's a precaution not a guarantee." I was a little snippier than I would have normally been but under the circumstance, I thought I had the right to be. I seldom got sick and when I did, I didn't do well with being confined to bed for recovery.

"Okay honey." I heard him say, there was something about the now sad tone of his voice that got to me a little bit.

"Could you do something for me?" I asked waiting and watching to see if he'd at least nod.

"Yeah sure I could, what?"

"Could you run down and get me some Theraflu?" I asked trying to play off the poor sick girlfriend, a role that I didn't do that great, "there's some money in my purse there on the table."

"I'll get it for you don't worry." He said as I felt the bed move knowing it was him standing up. "But I got it, there's no way I am venturing into your purse, that's territory that no man should ever venture into."

I tried to give him something that resembled a smile, tired, showing how horrible I really did feel. "Thanks."

I heard him move around in the house and I just curled up more under the blankets trying to sit up somewhat and sleep now. My nose was starting to run and I could feel the congestion building up from behind my eyes. The muscle aches that were starting to set in and the difficult time that I was having breathing just kept adding up to the flu in my mind.

I closed my eyes for what felt like just a second before I heard the sound of Ryan returning. I tried to open my eyes somewhat but they just didn't want to do that right now. I could hear him moving around and pretty soon he was back by my side.

"Here you go," He said, "let me help you sit up might taste kind of nasty but it should make you feel better."

I let him help me so that I was fully upright and took a drink by body shivering from the nasty taste of it going down my throat, oh I wanted to gag right there and then, a weak smile now, "thanks I think."

"You want anything else?" I heard him ask, "if not I'll leave some water by the bed and let you get some sleep."

"Sleep sounds good, I need to be up and running for tomorrow." I said sinking down in the bed some more and held the mug out for him to take.

I felt a kiss on my forehead and then the cup being taken from me. "You get some sleep now baby." I could feel the blankets being pulled up around me as he tucked me in, sweetest man that I knew next to my daddy, too bad I couldn't be sweet right now.

I didn't hear the door open or the door close just being given the space to fall asleep if that's what my body wanted to do, and there for a little while it seemed as if that was exactly what it wanted and then the coughing started and I couldn't stop it. It was this horrible sounding hacking, hurtful, clear down to my toes cough.

Oh everything hurt now and I moved slowly towards the bathroom thinking that maybe a hot shower would help, perhaps the steam would loosen some of the congestion up or ease that horrible cough that I had woken up with. I patiently as I could waited for the water to heat up as the bathroom started to fill with steam. I climbed into the shower and let the water start to run over me. Leaning heavily on the wall of the shower the contrast between the heat from the water and the cold of the wall actually felt good, that is until I started coughing again, and that's when I wished someone would just shoot me.

"Tess you okay?"

"Yeah Ryan I'm fine." I lied calling from behind the closed shower door.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure just congested." I said as my body started to be wracked by the persistent coughing once more.

"You don't sound all that great."

I fought the urge to growl. "It's the flu. I'm not going to sound much better than this for awhile."

"Yeah right." That was the answer I heard back from behind the door, "I'll find you something for that cough."

"No you don't have to really Ryan I'll be okay. I just need to cough up what ever is in there."

"Suit yourself but when you hack up a lung on Weaver tomorrow there'll be no crying to me."

"I am not going to hack up a lung on Weaver." I called back moving the curtain so that I could look at him, "by tomorrow I will be right as rain you just wait and see."

"Yeah I'm sure if you think I am going to believe that you are way mistaken doll."

"I'll just have to prove you wrong."

"Tess you might be smarter than me, you might be an intern, but there's no way that by tomorrow you are going to be rid of this." He said tapping me on the end of my nose, "you my dear are sick and even my medical student brain knows that one."

For as horrible as I felt, the shower was helping to ease some of the pain, "do me another favor there stud muffin." I said with a short smile and my joking tone.

"What's that gimpy?"

"Get me some cold water and some Advil from the kitchen."

"Yeah you got it." He said as I watched him leave the bathroom and I leaned back inside the warmth of the shower, which was now slowly starting to die from me being in there so long. I needed a building with a bigger hot water tank and a shower that didn't take so long to warm up. I turned it off and climbed out wrapping a towel around me and trying to stay in the now steam filled room. At least in there I could do something that resembled breathing, but then that could have been because I was standing up right.

When Ryan came back in I took the medicine and the water from him and then headed back to the bed. Propped up the best that I could be I tried to get back to sleep tomorrow was going to be a challenge and even I knew it, all I had to do was make it through the day without killing anyone, even I knew I could do that.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16:

The buzzing, oh that sound was annoying. I reached out in my half asleep state smacking my hand around until, oops that was too soft to be my alarm clock. The groan from the other side of the bed to which my hand had just come in contact with let me know that I had just managed to hit my loving and overly attentive boyfriend in the face. Perhaps with some luck I hadn't just given him a black eye, split lip or broken nose. I'd feel horrible if I had done any of the before mentioned.

"Sorry." I mutter still not feeling good as I tried to peel my eyes open. The elephant was still sitting on my chest and from the way I was feeling he was cracking his peanuts open with my skull. The coughing had raged all night long and I had only managed to get a few hours of actual sleep. It was going to be a very long day and the fact that Weaver was going to be noting my every move wasn't helping me to feel any better.

"It's okay." Ryan answered me from the other side of the bed. "You don't look so good."

"Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning." I grumble, "thanks for the vote of confidence." I really didn't want to get out of that bed right now. But I knew what was waiting for me if I didn't. There was no way that today of all days that I could or would even consider calling in sick. I stood now in front of the bathroom.

"You should call…."

I didn't give him the chance to finish that sentence before cutting him off. "No, that is not an option. Weaver day and I will be there to show her that I can be counted on…" I coughed. "That I am," there it went again, "a good doctor."

"Tess you don't have to prove that to her." He said looking over at me. "Come on honey you need to go back to bed and rest there is no way that you are going to go through today."

"I will get through," there was another coughing spell, these were getting annoying as hell right now because they kept me from saying what I wanted to say, "today if it kills me."

"Tess that it just might."

"Oh, good god, just relax it's the flu and I am not going to die because I have the flu. I've had worse."

"Yeah well would you want a doctor who was hacking like that taking care of you?" He said rolling his eyes at me now.

"I'll wear a mask."

"That will be completely reassuring to them there, you look like…"

"Don't go there, if you know what is good for you, you will not go there."

"Someone is a little testy this morning." He said as he started to get ready for work.

"Yeah well you are hogging my bathroom."

"Okay," he said throwing his hands up in the air, "you can have it all to yourself right now, I wouldn't want you hacking up a lung on me."

"Yeah that would be bad considering I need them." I was shocked that I actually got out with out coughing something up.

He just looked at me as I was looking at him, "just take it easy today okay?"

"Worried about me?"

"Yeah you can say that I am." He said as he moved back to where he had clothes stashed. "I know you didn't sleep that well last night."

I moved to finish getting ready for work, "I'm sorry if I kept you up."

"It's okay you didn't." He answered.

"You are just working today, there's no double in it is there?" He asked.

I shook my head, as another coughing spell came on and I really had to work to catch my breath after that one. "No, just the one."

"Maybe you should have someone take a look at you while you are there, really that's a pretty nasty cough."

"Just the flu."

"I'm not so sure about that Tess, you just don't look like you have the flu, it looks like it's more than that."

"I'm pretty sure it's just the flu, it is the season." I said as I pulled a dark sweater over my head now to finish getting ready, "are we going to have time to get something to drink before our shifts start?"

"We can make time." He answered.

I just nod now. There was no way that I was going to admit how bad I felt. He would probably insist that I really called in sick today and I couldn't do that. No there was to much riding on this, I needed to show Kerry Weaver that while I might have been Doug Ross's daughter I was not the cowboy that my father was in the ER.

We walked out the door and by the time I reached the street I was really huffing. Getting to work was going to be a challenge if I couldn't get a decent sized breath of air in me. I managed to get to the EL and we grabbed seats as the train lurched to a start.

"Tess are you okay?" I heard him ask me again.

"Yeah I'm fine. Just a little short of breath that's all to be expected."

"You look a little blue around the edges."

"Cold that's all. I'll be fine once we get inside."

"Okay." He said as he put an arm around me. The rest of the trip in seemed pretty uneventful couple of coughing spells in the fifteen minute ride but hey it was only two.

When I stood up to get off the train I got light headed and dizzy and had to grab onto Ryan's arm to keep my balance, the last thing that I wanted was to go down on the train.

"Hey there." He said steadying me.

"It's okay… vertigo, it must be that my sinus's are plugged. No biggie." I said recomposing myself again as I started to walk. It was slow but I was moving nonetheless.

"Okay. You know I'd really feel better if you had Dr. Lewis take a look at you."

"Cut you a deal," I said, "if I am not feeling better by the end of my shift then I will do whatever you ask. I'll I'm asking is to get through today and not give Weaver any reasons to dislike me or to think that my skills are not what they really are."

"Okay if you promise."

"Ryan I promise." I said, "come on now let's go it's freezing out here and I really don't want to be late."

He stopped us as we walked by the roach coach and two minutes later handed me a cup of hot tea. "Thought that might be better for you than coffee. Might make you feel better too."

"Thanks." I said turning now to walk into the ER, the sun hadn't made it up yet so I knew that I wasn't that late if I was late at all.

I went into the lounge and to the locker that they had given to me. I found that in the two minutes that I had been standing there my mind had wandered in its sickened state back to another place in time. Eyes closed I leaned against the cold metal surrounded by a place that was becoming more familiar every day but one that I was in my mind already there. My arms wrapped around my body as my mind found the memories from my fifth birthday.

We had come to Chicago to see Grandma and of course we stopped by the hospital to see everyone. While on the outside my mother was happier than she had been in a long time living in Seattle with Daddy, she missed everyone here. Her children and the love of her life were in Seattle but her family was here in Chicago.

"Auntie Lizzie!" I screamed as I ran through the doors of the ER.

"There's my darling birthday girl." I heard her say as she swept me up off my feet, "my future surgeon, how are you?"

"I'm good." I said, "Momma says it's time for us to go home so we had to come say goodbye."

"That you do, you know I would be sad if you didn't come and say goodbye to me."

"I know Auntie Lizzie," I answered, "I'd be sad too."

"I have something for you, since you are having a birthday."

"Oh what, what." I exclaimed with joy, Auntie Lizzie always gave the best presents.

"It's a book." My eyes lit up when she said that. "You're very first medical dictionary."

I took the book from her and held it close to me. "Thank you Auntie, thank you so very much."

"You're welcome." She said as she put me back down on the ground.

"TESS!"

"Huh," I said as I lifted up my head pulled from where I had gone.

"Come on you're going to be seriously late."

"How long?" I said shaking the cobwebs from my head, "how long have I been in here."

"Ten minutes."

"Oh shit!" I said as I threw my arms into my lab coat. "I'm coming, did anyone miss me."

"Not that I know of, here's a chart, make it look like you were doing something other than daydreaming. Are you sure you are okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. What do you have for me?"

"34 year old male presenting with severe chest pain."

"Okay did you get a history?"

"It's on the chart Tess." He said.

I shook my head looking down at it, "how long has he been experiencing the chest pain?" I said standing outside the room now reading what he had written down.

"Onset was this morning?"

"Sudden?"

"Yeah."

"Radiating?"

"Tess."

"Ryan was the chest pain sudden onset radiating down the arms?" I asked.

"You want me to present to someone else?"

"No, I didn't say that." I said looking at him now, "why would you think that."

"Because you are asking me questions that the answers to are right there on the chart in your hands."

I let that part go, "what do you want to do?"

"EKG, Nitro spray, cardiac enzymes." He said.

"Was he doing any physical activity when the pain started?" I asked, "Athlete?"

He snapped the chart from my hands now, "I'll find another intern to present to thank you."

"Ryan don't just give me the chart back," I said, "I have to be through when asking because I don't want to end up killing anyone today."

"Wouldn't be you," he said as he smacked me with the chart, "but go on have a look yourself your patient, you deal with it."

Before I could respond he had started to walk down the hall and that wasn't what I had intended on having happen.

The day went downhill from there. While as of noon I hadn't killed anyone Weaver's watchful eye was starting to wear me down. That and now it seemed as if Ryan and I were not talking. He hadn't said a word to me of even suggested that we have lunch together.

A trauma came in and I jumped on the opportunity to be involved. I dawned a yellow trauma gown and was outside next to Abby with Dr. Weaver. I listened as the paramedic went over what was wrong not missing a step next to Abby as we headed for trauma one. I got inside and started in on what I was told to do. My cough had let up enough so that I was able to do what was expected of me. Fifteen minutes later we had the pelvic fracture stabilized and I had sewn in the chest tube before we were ready to move him up to the OR for exploratory surgery. The peritoneal lavage that Abby had walked me through revealed internal bleeding.

As he was wheeled out of the trauma room I started to snap off my gloves. My chest was really sore now and the room felt like it was too hot. I thought about stepping outside for some air, but I had patients that were waiting on me. I managed to get outside and almost to the admit desk when I had to stop and lean against the wall to catch my breath.

"Tess, you okay?" There was Ryan again.

I shook my head no this time.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Hurts to breathe." I managed to get out. It felt like my chest was closing in on itself and I couldn't force my lungs to expand to get air in.

"Dr. Lockhart!" I heard him nearly screaming now.

The room around me was going black, I just couldn't get enough air in right now, no matter how hard I tried, how hard I fought I couldn't do it. This was something more than the flu and I knew it wasn't good whatever it was.

"Tess?" I could barely hear Abby's voice now and there was no way that I could answer her, I tried but nothing came out.

"She's going down……" Those were the last words that I heard as I faded out, the heat of the ER replaced by a soothing calm darkness.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17:

"Tess," Abby shook her shoulder, getting no response. "Tess open your eyes." There was still nothing from the young doctor who had gone crashing to the floor rather suddenly. "We have to move her." Abby said to the small crowd that had started to gather around them, "Ryan get a gurney now."

She looked at him and he had a worried and panicked look on his face. That wasn't a good sign to see in someone. Abby knew how close Ryan and Tess were and having him fall apart right now was not going to do anyone a bit of good.

"Go Ryan get a gurney now." She barked a second time, this time it seemed to have reached the young medical student as she watched him disappear to do as he had been told.

They scooped her up and headed for the trauma room. Tess was blue, very blue and Abby knew that in itself was not a very good sign. "Ryan has she been sick, complaining about anything?"

"Yeah," he said as he watched Abby with wide eyes as she was examining his girlfriend.

Abby was getting exasperated by him now, "what Ryan?"

He just shook his head a little overwhelmed by the whole thing now; he should have been more insistent about her seeing someone and not cut a deal with her. He knew that your health was not something that you should be carefree with. "She thought she had the flu." He finally managed to stutter out. "She was up most of the night coughing, she's been warm to the touch had muscle aches." He was trying to think if there was anything else that Abby would need to know.

Abby just nodded as she listened to what he was saying to her now. She listened to Tess's lungs, they were wet with fluid and you could hear crackles in the upper lobes and definitely decreased breath sounds in the lower lobes. "Get me a 6-0 et tube and push the atomidate and suxs." She said as she started in on a very familiar drill.

Ryan handed her the tube, "Abby is she going to be okay?" He asked.

Abby was focused on what she was doing rather than his questions right now, not meaning to blow him off but that's what it was coming across as right now. "I'm in bag her." She said as she moved now to listen to make sure that she had the tube in place. "I need a CBC, chem. 7, lytes, set up for a portable chest x-ray and we should do blood cultures." Abby's eyes came up to meet Ryan's now. He was as white as a ghost. "She'll be okay Ryan; we just have to find out what's making her so sick."

He nodded as he helped get things ready to send off to the lab.

Abby looked quickly at him again, "maybe you should wait outside, or go finish up your patients that you have." She said, knowing that it was never a good idea to be working on anyone that you were close too. Although when it had been Carter she had never hesitated to jump in, but Ryan was a young medical student and she didn't want to overload him.

He just nodded he didn't want to leave Tess right now but knew that Abby probably didn't need him underfoot right now either, "can I stay with her Abby? Not work just stay with her?"

There was something about the way that Ryan asked that made Abby rethink her decision, "yeah you can stay with her." She said, "but just sit and stay out of the way let the rest of us take care of her."

She watched as Ryan stepped back to let the x-ray techs do what the needed to and then he sat down by the head of the bed taking her hand into his. This has to be hard on him, to have her be so sick and not have any idea what was causing this right now.

"Should I call her dad?" His voice barely carried above those in the room, but Abby had managed to catch it.

"Why don't you, I'm sure that they would like to know." Abby said as she gently touched his arm, "you can use the phone right there if you want, do you know the number?"

"No I don't. " He said looking back down at Tess and then up at Abby again.

"I'll have someone get it. I'm sure that Elizabeth has it." Abby said she wanted to be able to reassure him that everything was going to be okay, but right now she just didn't know. It was that not knowing that made it even harder right now.

Ryan didn't say anything he just reached up and pushed a strand of Tess's hair back from her face. He had to believe that she was going to be alright, he couldn't have it any other way right now.

Abby walked out of the room and over to the admit desk where Kerry was standing now. "What's going on?" She heard Kerry ask.

"Tess is sick." Abby said.

"Did you send her home?" Kerry had stepped out for a cup of coffee and had just gotten back.

"Actually no." Abby said grabbing the pen that was sitting at the bottom of the board. "She's in trauma one."

Kerry looked now at Abby, "how sick is sick Abby?"

Abby let out a sigh, "I don't' know Kerry, I'm waiting on labs and x-rays, sick enough that she's unconscious and can't tell us what is wrong."

"Call Dr. Ross and Carol let them know what's going on."

Abby had headed for the phone, "I'm on it, I'm seeing if I can reach Elizabeth to get Doug's number."

Kerry nodded, "Keep me apprised of her situation."

"Yeah Kerry." Abby said as she waited. Elizabeth was in surgery right now so she had to leave a message for her to call her the moment she was free. Perhaps it was better if they didn't call Doug and Carol right now, considering that she didn't have much to tell them other than their daughter was unconscious and not breathing on her own right now.

She rested her head on her hands for a moment taking a second to recompose, they should have the x-rays for her in a few minutes and then perhaps she could get a better understanding of what was going on inside Tess's body.

She took a few minutes and then walked back down the hall and into the room, "how's she doing Ryan?"

Ryan looked up, "her oxygen level keeps falling." He said with wet eyes as he looked up at the monitor.

Abby's eyes went up there as well, watching for a moment before changing the settings on the vent so that she was getting more oxygen. Abby listened to her chest again, knowing that she had gotten the tube in the right position. Tess's lungs were not expanding like they should be; she was fluid overloaded and if they couldn't get her oxygen level stabilized they were going to have even more problems, problems that would be long term.

The brain needed oxygen to survive and if she had been younger she could have gone longer levels that low but Tess was an adult and those levels were making Abby uncomfortable, very uncomfortable.

"Chest x-ray is back Abby." She heard one of the nurses say as she took it from her and threw it up on the board to get a look. This wasn't good at all.

"What is it Abby?" Ryan said looking up at her.

"She's got a lot of fluid in there. Consolidations on both the left and right side." She said, "definitely Acute respiratory distress syndrome, she's got pneumonia that I am almost certain of." She said, "well know more when they get the blood cultures done. I'll call and see if we can't get her a bed upstairs in the ICU, she's going to be here for awhile."

"Did you get the phone number?"

"No I left a message with Elizabeth." Abby said, "but I'm sure she'll be down shortly, she was in surgery."

Ryan nodded, "can I still stay with her?"

"Yeah don't worry about it; you can stay with her, especially until we are able to get a hold of her family. I'm sure she'd want you here." Abby said.

"Thanks Abby."

"You're welcome." She said, "just make sure that you take care of yourself too." She tried to offer what sympathy and reassurance she said, "cause I don't want to have to get you two side by side beds."

He shot her a very weak smile, "I will."

Abby headed out of the room it was going to be a very long night now and she knew that Doug and Carol would be on that first plane back to Chicago once she was able to get in touch with them. Things were not boding well for their daughter right now, and Abby didn't know if she would be able to pull Tess through this.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18:

Abby had Elizabeth paged twice more, she knew she was in surgery but when they had opened up Tess's file, Elizabeth was listed as the emergency contact number. Perhaps that was because Doug and Carol were two thousand miles away and Elizabeth would have been the better choice.

She was getting impatient in reaching Doug and Carol and had been constantly checking in on Tess and Ryan. However she was still waiting on lab results and those should be back. She had called down to the lab and re-informed them of what the word stat meant.

"You paged me?" Elizabeth said as she emerged from the direction of the elevators coming towards the admit desk.

"I did." Abby answered, "it's about Tess."

"What about Tess?" Elizabeth asked Abby now having more than her full attention.

Abby looked at her now her facial expressions turning a little more serious. "Tess collapsed, we had to intubate her." Abby said her voice soft yet letting the seriousness of the situation come through. "She has pneumonia, but she's not oxygenating very well. I need to get in touch with Doug and Carol to apprise them of the situation. I think that they should be here."

Elizabeth nodded, "can I see her?" She asked knowing full well that she could she just felt the need to ask.

"Yeah," Abby said with a nod, "she's in trauma one still I am waiting on a ICU bed."

"You could be waiting awhile." Elizabeth said as she started to head down the hallway. She stopped for a minute. "I'll call them after I see her."

"Thank you." Abby said as she turned back to her charting. She wanted to give Elizabeth a little time with Tess and to let everything sink in. It wasn't every day that something like this happened, something that could hit so close to home.

Elizabeth reached the trauma rooms doors, slowly pushing them open to see Ryan sitting by Tess's side. You could see how worn and tired he looked, unwilling to give up the vigil at any point in time. She crossed the threshold and moved closer to see with her own eyes Tess looking pale and blue in comparison to how she appeared just the other day.

Ryan looked up when he heard someone enter the room, "did you call her parents?" It was the first and only thing that came to his mind. "They should be here, she'd want them here."

Elizabeth picked up and looked at the chart before saying anything else, after a few minutes of silence filling the room she looked over at him again, "yes she would want them here, I'll call them don't worry."

"It's hard not to." He said, "worry that it." His voice was filled with his worry, full of sadness, almost to the point of melancholy.

Elizabeth took a few steps away setting the chart back in it's place. She wanted to tell him not to worry that everything would be okay, but she didn't want to give him false reassurance or platitudes. It didn't appear that it was going to be okay. But it wasn't in her hands, it was in someone else's right now and only time would tell what would come of this. "You just have to have hope." Elizabeth said.

She watched Ryan nod his response again; there was a lot of that going around today, head nodding so that you didn't have to form words that really weren't there. The trauma door hit her backside when she pause leaving the room. She wanted a quiet place to call Doug and Carol, free of people walking in and out constantly. She headed back and took the elevators up to the surgical floor. Her office was as close to that as she was going to get. She closed the door behind her and walked over picking up the phone.

This was a phone call she didn't want to have to make; Doug was a good friend had been for a long time, it brought back memories of so long ago when she had to call him to tell him that his best friend, her best friend and husband had died. Now here she was holding the phone in her hand having to be the bearer of even more bad news, she didn't know if their child was going to be okay.

The thought of anything bad happening to Ella was enough to pull at Elizabeth's heart. Tess was more to her than just the daughter of a friend. She was in a way family. She had been Auntie Lizzie for so long to the child the thought of not hearing that again brought a thin layer of mist to her eyes. Enough so that she had to put the phone down again for a minute so that she could pull herself back together. She wasn't calling them to tell them any thing more than Tess was very ill and that they might want to think about; no they needed to come to Chicago. She wouldn't be able to tell them what was wrong only that something was wrong and that they were doing everything that they could to make Tess better. Just thinking that, she knew it wasn't going to be a good thing to say to them. That they would be full of worry, but then everyone who knew Tess, who loved her right now was full of that same exact worry.

She picked up the phone again knowing this time that it needed to be done, what exactly she was going to say she wasn't sure, but it would be said. She dialed the number for their house in Seattle and waited for it to ring, unsure if this time of the day she would be able to reach them. Seattle was two hours behind Chicago time wise and when Elizabeth looked at the clock it was only about five now, so it was about three there.

"You have reached the home of Doug and Carol Ross, please leave a message after the tone and we will return your call as soon as we can thanks."

"Hey Doug, Carol anyone there?" Elizabeth said pausing for a minute, "okay I will try and reach you at the Hospital." She hung up the phone and looked in her address book to get the number for the hospital where she knew Doug worked. Where she managed to get in touch with the desk clerk who went to get Doug. She was nervously playing with her hands now as she waited for that familiar voice to come on the line.

"Doug Ross."

"Hey Doug."

"Lizzie what's up? How's Chicago?"

"Chicago is fine." She said, you could almost hear Doug smiling over the phone.

"What can I do for you?"

Loaded question if she had ever been asked one before. "I'm calling about Tess." Before Elizabeth could say anything Doug jumped in.

"She okay? What's wrong, Elizabeth what happened?" His tone was that of a very worried and very upset parent. That she had almost expected, if nothing else Doug loved his girls and Tess was very special to him, to Carol as well.

Elizabeth took in a deep breath while she waited for Doug to stop having his parental attack. "Doug, Tess collapsed in the ER, she's very sick and she's on a vent right now." Elizabeth could just feel Doug's tension increase ten fold. "We are doing everything that we can for her, but it's touch and go right now. I think you and Carol should think about coming here."

"Think about it! Elizabeth that's my baby." She heard him say, she didn't take anything personally right now and him being upset was to be expected, "of course I am going to be on the first plane to Chicago."

"Doug she's stable but she's in critical condition right now. Abby is working on getting her a bed in the ICU. I can pick you up from the airport if you would like."

"Thank you Elizabeth," Doug answered after a moment of silence, "I'm going to get Carol and we will be there as soon as we can."

"I know." Elizabeth said answering him, "I know." She didn't have time to say anything else for the line had gone dead. Doug was a very worried father and in reality had every reason to be just that. Hopefully on the way there he wouldn't do anything too stupid in his rush. That's why Elizabeth was glad that he had Carol, if anyone could keep Doug level headed and on track it was her.

She put the phone back on the cradle and just sat there for a minute, she knew the next few days were going to be bumpy for everyone.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19:

The day had drug on more so than Abby thought that it would; they were all keeping a vigil on the young intern. Her collapse puzzling to them and it was Tess who had answers; she just couldn't give them to anyone.

The day shift was winding down and those who were on that night were starting to filter in to take their places. Carter was the attending on tonight and he came up behind Abby wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Ready to do rounds?" He asked with a soft kiss to the top of her head.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Abby replied rather quietly. "Not many to hand off and I don't know how long it will be until I get out of here."

The residents and other interns had started to gather around where they were standing in preparation for the hand off that happened twice a day. Abby took in a deep breath as she started to go over the board and have patient presented.

"Last we have a 23 year old female, sudden loss of consciousness, intubated waiting on a bed in the ICU." She said handing the chart over to Carter rather than to any of the younger members of the staff. She turned her attention away from the other and focused mainly on him right now, "they are trying to find her a bed upstairs, but I think they are importing it from China."

Carter's eyes fell down onto the chart as he grew silent. He was as shocked as everyone else had been that Tess had become so sick in such a short period of time. "Are Doug and Carol here?" His voice softer now.

"Not yet. Elizabeth called them and said that they were catching the first flight out of Seattle that was awhile ago, so I am expecting them probably in another couple of hours." Abby ran her hand once again to push her hair back from her face, "Ryan's in there now I told him he could stay as long as he wanted to, I should probably make him get something to eat or take him across the street for coffee or something."

"That might not be a bad idea if you can convince him that she'll be okay for a few minutes."

They both could only imagine what was going through that young man's head right now with what he was seeing and having this happen.

"Yeah maybe since you're here he won't mind going, but then Elizabeth might be in here too, so I stand a chance at getting him to budge." She said as they both started walking down the hallway.

"Any improvement in her stats?" Carter asked.

"A little when we turned the peak flow up. That's just an awful lot of pressure being forced into her lungs and if she has to spend any extended time on the vent I would hate for there to be damage to her lungs." Abby said.

"Yeah but the alternative is that she suffers brain damage from lack of oxygen. The lung damage might not be what we would want, but it's what will give her the better odds. Was she down long?"

"No I was right there when she crashed." Abby said as they stopped outside the room. "It's just that I don't know how long she had been cyanotic. She was pretty blue when I first got to her and she hasn't pinked up a whole lot. I'm waiting on blood cultures now, X-rays showed infiltrations in both lungs and it looks like it's pneumonia, but I'm not sure if that's the only source of infection we are dealing with, her white count is high."

Carter's eyes went down and he looked at the labs himself, "spinal tap?"

"Haven't done one yet, I don't think it's any form of meningitis." Abby answered back now. "ARDS definitely, but there's an underlying infection that I have to figure out just what caused it so that it can be treated right."

Carter nodded, "I concur with you there. I'm sure you can get some more answers from Doug and Carol when they get here, more complete history on her that what we have so far."

"Yeah I thought that I would stick around until they go here." She brought her hand up so that it was resting on the door now pausing just a second before she pushed it open again. "Hi Ryan."

"Hi Dr. Carter." He said not looking up.

"How you holding up?" Illness always seemed to be harder on the patients family that then patient sometimes, but then when you were unconscious she didn't think anything could really bother Tess right now.

"Okay." He said.

"How about you and I go and get some coffee, maybe a sandwich?" Abby asked. Ryan just gave her this almost blank stare as if she was asking him something foreign. "Come on." She gently put an arm around him, "Dr. Carter is here and I am sure that Elizabeth is here too, her mom and dad are on their way now, but I have some more questions that I would like to ask you."

Carter watched Abby with him; sometimes it was hard to believe that she was a doctor. She had the compassion of a nurse yet her clinical skills were top notch. She was creative and genuinely cared for those whom she was treating. It didn't shock him that she was able to get him to leave the room with just a few reassurances that someone would get them if anything changed and that either Carter or Elizabeth would stay there just in case Tess decided to wake up.

Although the odds of Tess just waking up were fairly slim to none, she gave him the best answers that she could. Carter sat down beside the bed to wait for either Doug and Carol to show up or for Elizabeth to return.

Doug had practically grabbed Carol from what she was doing and had her out into the car headed back towards the house before he had even half explained the situation to her. Knowing how worried he was right now she had to be feeling the same exact thing. They stopped only long enough to throw together a few things and clothes before driving to Sea-tac and getting on the first plane that they could bound for Chicago. It was a five hour flight from Seattle and even once they were up in the air Doug couldn't relax it was still five hours that he would be apart from a child who needed him right now. Nothing he could do would make that flight any faster and surely Tess could, no he knew that Tess was going to pull through this; it was just one more attempt by their oldest child to give them both grey hair. Yet this was probably one of the most scariest things that they had been through with her.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20:

Carter had been sitting in the room; his well trained eyes watching the monitors and her vital signs. Chest x-rays had confirmed pneumonia and now sputum cultures were sent down to the lab to give them more concrete information about just what the infection was that they might be up again. It wasn't uncommon for a health adult to come down with acute respiratory distress syndrome, all they could do was hope that complications didn't set in.

He watched now as her blood pressure started to drop. Tess had been heavily sedated so that the machine would do all of the breathing for her to give her lungs a fighting chance to heal. Now the first complication seemed to be setting in and Carter needed to start another line to start a dopamine drip to try and bring it up. He knew that she had no internal bleeding that the drop in her pressure was caused by the overwhelming infection that had begun it's assault on her body. It was a waiting game right now, waiting for her body and the medications to control the infection and time for the systems that were being injured to recover.

Carter glanced up to see Abby and Ryan returning. They both looked exhausted.

"How's she doing?" Abby asked as Ryan sat back down beside the bed.

"Holding on," he was going to add just barely but didn't want to upset either one of them.

"That's good." Abby responded but with one quick glance up at the monitors she knew that it wasn't as good as he was trying to make it sound. If Ryan noticed that would be one thing, but right now he seemed more focused on just being there, rather than being in a medical role.

"Any word from Doug or Carol?"

"Elizabeth got a call from Doug as they were getting ready to board the flight. They'll be in around ten." He said.

Ryan looked up long enough, "that will be good." He said in a soft empty voice.

"Why don't you go and lay down Ryan." Carter said, "I can come and get you if anything changes or when Doug and Carol get here."

This wasn't the way that he had planned on meeting Tess's mother. "I'd rather stay."

"She's going to be out for awhile Ryan." Carter said, "someone will stay here with her, monitoring her." It would probably be him for the most part. There was another attending on and right now they weren't getting buried so he was able to spend extra time with a single patient. "It might be best if you try and get some sleep. You won't do her any good if you crash too."

That was advice that even Ryan couldn't argue with, that and the fact that he would have to work tomorrow but he'd be in the hospital where she would be and he'd know what was going on with her. He got up.

"I'm sure there's a spot in the on-call room where you can get some sleep." Abby put her hand on his back and started to guide the poor tired student out of the room. She made sure that he was laying down with a blanket covering him up before she returned to the trauma room.

"You should take that advice too." Carter said glancing up at her.

"I wanted to wait for Doug and Carol to get here since I was there when this all started." Abby said. "I'm sure that they will have questions."

"I can answer them." Carter said, "you don't need to go down either. How long have you been here 14 hours or so?"

"Something like that." Abby answered.

"I'm giving you doctor's orders, and pulling rank, go lay down."

"Bossy man." Abby said back to him as she poked him in the arm.

"Yeah so are you." He said, "go crash in an exam room, the lounge, someplace I'll get you when they get here, it's going to be awhile and I don't think we both need to be in here."

"You have a point there."

"One of many."

"Carter." Abby said giving him a soft smile, "don't forget to get me, you have to promise."

"I promise have I ever broken one."

"We won't go there tonight; I'm too tired to point those out to you."

He kissed her cheek, "save it for another night when you have more time."

She hugged him softly before walking out of the room, leaving Tess in good hands with Carter, there wasn't much that she could do, there wouldn't be much that she could do once Doug and Carol got there either. But for now she had this deep feeling of wanting to stay nearby, not necessarily a feeling that something was bad was going to happen just a feeling of needing to be nearby.

She walked into a darkened exam room at the end of the hallway closing the door behind her thinking that here she would be well hidden and out of the way. She fumbled through the dark over to where she knew the gurney would be and moved to flop down on it bolting upright the minute she hit it for the was already another body laying on it.

"What?" She heard a voice in the dark saying, "Doug? Carol?"

Abby recognized the voice instantly. It wasn't hard, there were few people who sounded like Elizabeth did. "So sorry Elizabeth I didn't' know anyone was in here."

"Abby?"

"Yeah."

"Are they here yet?"

"Not yet." Abby answered.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 9." Abby replied, "I'll let you go back to sleep sorry for disturbing you." She could hear Elizabeth moving around now somewhat.

"Has anything changed?"

"Not really." Abby answered back again.

"What's that mean Abby?" Elizabeth asked as she moved off the bed standing up. "Lay down for a little while, I'm going to get some coffee and check on her."

"Carter's in there with her now." Abby said, "she's holding on but honestly she's sating horrible and the peep is up pretty high now as it is."

"I was afraid of that." Elizabeth said as she moved so that Abby could get some sleep. With all of those who cared about Tess, she was getting the feeling that there would be a lot of sleeping in shifts for a few days. At least until they all knew that she was going to be okay.

Abby heard the door shut behind Elizabeth and she climbed up on the gurney closing her eyes, hopefully she'd get a little bit of sleep before she needed to face Tess's parents. She wasn't going to hold her breath knowing that even though she was tired sleep was going to be hard to come by.

Doug sat on the airplane tapping his foot anxiously against the floor. He hated that time seemed to be moving so slow and that there was nothing that he could do right now. Not that there was anything that he could do once he got there, but at least then he would be there and that would put his mind at ease some once he saw his baby girl.

"Doug hold still." Carol said looking up from the book that she had been reading, or rather trying to read. She had been on the same page for nearly a half hour now.

He looked over at her, "I'm trying."

"Try harder." Carol said with a smile on her face, "I know you want to be there, so do I but tapping your foot, bouncing, fidgeting, it's not going to make the plane get there any faster."

He let out a sigh, "I know." He moved in the seat now as he stopped the tapping but sitting still just wasn't something that he was good at when he was nervous. "How much longer do we have?"

"Doug you are like a little kid, swear you just asked me that about 10 minutes ago." Carol glanced down at her watch, "it's a quarter after nine right now."

"What time are we supposed to land?"

"In about a half hour or so." Carol answered, "I think the flight is technically due in at ten to ten."

"That's no to much longer then?" He said, "did you get in touch with Kate before we left?"

"She's in Spokane right now for a basketball game." Carol said, "I left a note for her telling her to call your cell phone when she got back from the trip."

"Yeah I forgot about the exhibition game this weekend." He was fidgeting again and he knew it but talking with her was making some of the anxiety lighten up a little, "how mad are they about you taking off like this?"

"Work is fine with it; they all know Tess and know that we needed to go. They just asked that I call and let them know what's going on when I find anything out." Carol answered as she closed the book, "Doug, honey, she's going to be okay, you have to believe that."

Doug looked over at her putting his hand on her knee now gently giving it a squeeze, "I'm trying," he felt her head now resting on his shoulder and he kissed the top of it, "I'm really trying."

"She will be." Carol said closing her eyes, "you remember that time she fell out of the tree house?"

"Oh yes I do, you didn't talk to me for days after that one." He said.

"I told you it was a bad idea." Carol said, "she was so excited to see your car pull into the driveway that she jumped from that thing."

"Kate would have done the same thing for you and you know it." Doug stated now.

"No she wouldn't have. Kate hasn't been as big of risk taker as Tess has been." Carol said, "I think Tess was born running, and still hasn't stopped."

"That she was and has." Doug said thinking back now to a time when she was really his baby girl. That seemed like ages ago when she would wait at the bottom of the stairs in her footed pajamas for him to come home from work to tuck her in. Or make Carol bring her down so that they could have a picnic dinner in the ER.

He wrapped an arm tighter around Carol as the plane began its decent into Chicago just a little while longer and he'd be by his daughter's side, where he was needed the most right now.


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N: I will try to update this as much as humanly possible, but with my class schedule there may be some delays in getting up but I'll try and do my best, sorry but classes have to come first right now._

Chapter 21:

The plane had landed, after what seemed like an eternity and Doug and Carol grabbed what little they had brought with them and hailed a cab. They could have taken the EL but right now time was of the essence to them.

The reached County and with one glance at the board they both knew where they needed to go, without stopping to say anything to anyone right now, more important to them, more pressing was the fact that their child was lying in a trauma room.

They burst inside the sterile smelling room, "oh baby." Carol said as she rushed to Tess's side taking her hand into hers trying not to notice all the tubes that were attached. Doug didn't make it much further than the inside of the room, the sight before him was overpowering and left him with a newfound sense of being helpless right now for things here were outside his control.

Elizabeth and Carter had both looked up when they had heard Carol's voice watching her rush to her child's side. While Carter was more focused on Carol, Elizabeth's attention had fallen upon Doug who had a deer in the headlight look upon his face that combined with stress worry and fear.

She got up and moved over to where he was standing. "It's not as bad as it looks Doug." She said softly.

Doug couldn't believe that. Tess was laying in the bed, while she looked like she was sleeping, she was extremely pale. That didn't look like the same child he had just left not more than a few days ago.

Slowly Doug moved towards where Elizabeth had been sitting, barely finding the will to move inside him. Fear had struck deep inside his heart and he knew right there at that moment in time it was a fear that only a parent could ever truly feel. He sat down his legs about to give out on him, taking her smaller hand into his.

"Dad's here baby." He said as he gently kissed her hand, "don't you worry Daddy's hear."

No one in the room knew if Doug was saying that for Tess's benefit or more for his own. His voice was so soft; you could see the gentleness in the way he acted with her right now showing nothing but a father's love. For no one that had ever really seen father and daughter together. Doug had left Chicago before the girls were born and they never were back there together again. While Elizabeth had seen Doug and Tess together, this was a side that even she hadn't seen from him before.

Silence filled the room now as no one wanted to say anything, no one wanted to be the person to shattered it. Finally Doug was able to find his voice, "what happened?"

Carter looked over at Elizabeth not knowing if she wanted to be the one to say anything or if they should go and wake up Abby and Ryan now that they were there. Elizabeth moved closer to Doug now.

"She passed out." Elizabeth said, "she was here working, complained of not being able to breath and passed out. Abby was with her when she collapsed."

"What… what caused this? Does anyone know yet?" Carol interjected now wanting to know if they had any idea on how they were going to get Tess better.

"She has pneumonia." Abby said as she walked in unable to sleep and hearing the commotion. "Ryan said that she hasn't been feeling well and that while they were talking in the hall she stopped breathing."

"Stopped?" Carol gasped. That struck fear deep inside a mother's heart to hear that her child had stopped breathing.

Abby moved over and put her hand on Carol's arm, "her lungs are very wet right now and she has consolidations in both lungs. She just couldn't make them move on her own anymore. But she's breathing now Carol. We have her sedated and the vent is breathing for her."

Both her mother and her father now had to hold back the urge to cry. This was not the news that they were hoping for. They both honestly thought that they would get there and find her sick and weak but not unconscious and attached to a vent.

Doug didn't move he just kept a hold of her hand. What Abby was telling them was not good news, not good at all. His eyes went from Tess, to Carol and then to Abby unable to find any words to say.

"In all honesty, she's very sick. We are working on getting her a bed up in the ICU right now and she will probably be there for several days if not weeks." Abby knew both Doug and Carol worked in emergency medicine and that they were well aware of what they were up against right now. "I wish I better news, more promising news, but right now it's a wait and see." She paused for a minute, "Ryan wanted to know when you got here, I'm going to go and tell him, if you need anything just let me know."

"We will." Carol said softly now as she looked at her daughter and then over at Doug, never in her worst nightmares had she dreamt that they would be facing something like this. And the prospect of this being one giant waiting game wasn't what she wanted either.

Abby silently left the room, letting the door close as she walked a little further down the hallway before leaning against the wall and letting out a giant sigh. She knew that this had to be hard on Doug and Carol, but right now, at this moment in time Tess was still with them. She was hanging in there.

Abby was just about to move to get Ryan from where she had left him sleeping when the sound of alarms from monitors caught her attention. She fought not to run back in the direction she had just come from. "What's going on?"

"Arrhythmia." Carter said with a rather sober tone to his voice right now.

This was definitely an even worse sign that complications were taking a hold now. "What do you want me to do?" Abby asked moving closer to where he and Elizabeth had started to work to stabilize Tess.

"Start a central line." Carter said. "We've got to get her rhythm normal again."

The room was filled with tension as Doug and Carol right now could do nothing more than watch the three other highly experienced doctors work. The people that Doug trusted the most in the world were in there taking care of their daughter and he knew no matter how hard it was to just watch, that was all he could do. If he tried to help his emotions would get in he way and there was no way that he would do anything to compromise the care that she was getting. He had faith that they would do what they could, that was all that anyone could do.

They had all expected some form of complications especially after her blood pressure had dropped earlier that evening. This was just one that they knew they were up against. Abby knew that Tess faced the possibility of multiple organ system failure, pulmonary fibrosis, irreversible lung damage and the looming possibility of brain damage. She didn't want to think of those things happening but right now it just made her that much more on toes of what could happen.

They had them come in and take another set of x-rays and as Abby threw them up didn't like what she saw. "Carter she's needs a chest tube, pneumomediastinum." Abby walked away from the x-rays and back over to the Tess. She had just be talking Tess through doing this herself and now here she was about to put one in. She made quick work of finding the site between the ribs and getting the tract but the tube just didn't want to go, she kept her finger in the tract this time sliding the tube along until she knew that she had in it place. "Hook me up to the water seal." She called out as she started to stitch the newly place chest tube and hope that Tess's lung would now re-inflate.

Time had seemed to stand still, after some very hair rising moments they had gotten things with Tess to settle down. Her heart rate was back to where it needed to be, her oxygen levels were border line but there wasn't much more that they could do for her there. Her lungs needed time to heal once they had started to do that then and only then would her oxygenation improve. They wouldn't' know if she had suffered any brain damage until they were able to wake her up, right now her chances were better and she would be in less pain if they kept her sedated.

They did a repeat chest film to make sure that the tube was in place and that they were good to go now. Abby, Carter and Elizabeth were finally able to take in a deep breath now that it seemed that all was on the calm side of the storm. Repeat blood gasses were sent off again, something that had become common since Tess had gotten there, her not oxygenating enough right now was a major concern.

Another few hours passed before they were able to move her up to the ICU and it had been a long night for everyone there. Once she was moved Carter was able to convince Abby to get some sleep and Elizabeth against much protesting was able to get Carol to leave with her. Doug would stay there overnight with her and then Carol would come back in the morning and then Doug could go back to Elizabeth's and take a shower, eat something before going back. No one knew how long Doug and Carol would be staying in Chicago this trip, all they knew for certain was that they would be staying until Tess was back on her feet and not in any danger.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22:

The days passed one after another until they hit the week mark. Tess was still on the ventilator but with each passing day there was a little marked improvement. The had kept her heavily sedated for the first few days, watching the x-rays and her vitals for signs that she was holding her own and getting better.

Doug and Carol had fallen into a routine now that some time had passed. Eating, sleeping and sitting in shifts. The ICU had become a second home to them now and they were once again on a first name basis with many of the staff there.

When they reached day nine of Tess being in the ICU they were all hoping for a sign that she would indeed wake up on her own. The had tapered off the medication that was keeping her in a comatose state and now waiting to see if there was any response from her to come back to the land of the living.

Doug had just come back from Elizabeth's after a shower, short nap and something to eat, two cups of coffee in his hands, one for the start of his long night, the second to get Carol back to Elizabeth's.

He walked over kissed Carol's head before handing her the hot beverage, "how's she doing?"

"Same as when you left." Carol said with a soft sigh pushing her hair back away from her face once again. "No real change, no spontaneous movement, but she responds to painful stimuli, so I guess that's something."

"Yeah it is." Doug said as he moved to sit in a chair, "there's pasta at Elizabeth's for you for dinner, I threw clothes in the washer for you too." He glanced quickly at his watch, "they should almost be dry now. I thought you might like warm pajamas for after your shower."

He watched as Carol stood up, "thank babe." She moved so that she could give him a soft kiss, "I'll see you in a few hours."

"Get some sleep Carol." He said to her retreating form.

She stopped in the doorway, "I'll try, no promises but I'll try."

"That's all I can ask." He answered as she disappeared out the door.

"Call if anything changes." Carol called over her shoulder as she headed down the hallway to go get some hot food and a hot shower.

"You know I will," he muttered now before he scooted the chair closer to the bed, "okay kiddo where were we?" He paused as if he was waiting for an answer from her, "yeah I think that's where we were too. That always has been your favorite part."

He opened up the book that he had been reading, reading to her as well. Unsure of why he felt so compelled to do it, but it had been one of her favorite stories that he had read to her when she was younger. Even when Tess had reached the age where she could read any book that she wanted herself, she had insisted that at bedtime he come up and read to her.

Doug had this suspicion that it was her way of getting to spend just a little more time with him, and something that they could do no matter what was going on in the world. He had always tried to make time for them to go out and do things, but this they could do whether it was raining or the sun was shinning, and it was a pick me up when she wasn't feeling well and stuck in bed.

He put his reading glasses on and found the page that he had left off on and started reading again. The hands of the clock moved slowly as the story he was telling started to unfold. Word after word turned into page after page. Pausing ever so often for just a brief second to take a sip of his coffee before returning to reading. If nothing else it was a way to pass the time and keep his mind off the constant yet steady beeping that came from the monitors above her bed.

The nurse came in to check on Tess and hesitated for a moment at the door seeing father sitting with daughter reading the book to her. Doug looked up when he felt eyes upon him.

"Sorry to interrupt Dr. Ross." She said with her soft polite tone.

"It's alright Morgan." He said as he marked the page that they were on with an old worn index card.

She crossed the room over and started to chart Tess's vitals. Her eyes catching the well worn book that was in his hands. "Looks like you've read that one a few times."

"Yeah it's one of her favorites." Doug replied as he shifted in the chair a little bit so that he could stretch somewhat.

"I'm sure she's enjoying having it read to her now." She smiled at Doug as she worked.

He smiled a sad soft smile now, "I'm sure she is too."

"I'll let you get back to your story." She said as she exited the room as she had arrived.

Doug cleared his throat before opening the book up again. He started to read as the time passed by after a half hour he paused and looked over at Tess now. There for just a brief moment he thought that her eyes were open and that she was looking at him, but when he blinked they were shut again. It had to have been a figment of his imagination, wishful thinking.

He settled himself back in the chair again and started to read some more. Another hour had passed and it was shortly after midnight now. He closed the book again to get up and go and get some more coffee. Slowly he walked down to the lounge area, filling up the cup with fresh, well it was probably days old, but it was hot, coffee. As just as slowly stretching as he walked he returned to Tess's bedside in the same chair to read once more.

He finished another page and this time a yawn escaped from his lips. He was tired tonight that much he knew but he would fight the feeling and stay awake, reading and talking to Tess. He looked over at her this time, there were two brown half open eyes looking back at him.

He blinked shaking his head, surely it was because he was tired his eyes were playing tricks on him, but when he focused upon her once more there they were again still half open fluttering between being able to be open and going back closed.

"Hi there baby girl." He said as he moved sitting on the edge of the bed, careful and cautious of the tubes that she had, not wanting to cause her any unnecessary pain.

Her eye lids fluttered and Doug wasn't sure how long she'd be able to hold them open but this was a sign that they had been waiting for, something good among all the bad. "I'm happy to see those eyes of yours." He brought his hand up to brush her hair back away from her face. He was fighting now to keep his own tears from falling. Part of him knew inside that she wouldn't have given up and there was this overwhelming sense of relief right now that those eyes were open. Even if was only half-way that was more than they had been in days.

When he pulled his hand back he noticed that there were small tears forming in the corners of her eyes now, "don't cry baby girl." He said in a soft soothing voice, "we're going to get you better." He knew that she was probably in pain and uncomfortable. "I'm going to get Morgan and see if we can't get you more comfortable, okay?" As he said that he knew that she wouldn't be able to answer him. But he didn't want to just walk away with out her knowing that he would be right back. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I'll be right back, I'm not going to leave you, I promise."

He might have done a lot of things over the past, did things that he hadn't been proud of and hurt many of those that he cared about, but in all the time that he had been with Tess and Kate, the one thing that he had never done and would never do was to break a promise to his girls.

_A/N: Sorry that this one is so short but this is where I needed to stop._


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23:

I could hear a voice, it was there breaking the silence that had surrounded me. My eyes were heavy and I couldn't get them open but I knew that voice. What little girl wouldn't know her daddy's voice even from behind closed eyes? He was reading one of my favorite stories.

I heard him stop reading and I managed to get my eyes open a crack for just a brief second before they went closed again. They were just to heavy for me to keep open but it didn't deter me from trying again.

I heard the story start up again and I knew that I needed to wake up; something inside me was telling me that I needed to wake up. Laying there I could feel my lungs being forced full of air over and over again. As I fought my way back to consciousness the pain in my body became more apparent. My chest hurt the worst; everything else was small aches and pains.

I heard the story start up again and I fought once more to open my eyes, I got them open a crack and while they fluttered trying to get back closed I kept them half-way open. I could see my dad sitting in a chair next to the bed as I just looked at him, hoping that he would look over at me and see that I was there cause I couldn't talk, I tried but there was nothing there. I wanted to scream here I am daddy.

Finally he paused his reading and looked at me and I knew that he saw that my eyes were open when he moved over next to me.

"Hi there baby girl." I heard him say and then felt him take my hand into his.

I could feel my eyes fluttering even more I wanted to stay awake. It was a battle that I didn't think I was going to win right now. The pain that I was feeling from my chest was horrible and it was bringing tears to my eyes that I was fighting to keep back. I couldn't tell them what hurt or how bad it hurt.

"Don't cry baby girl. We're going to get you better. I'm going to get Morgan and see if we can't get you more comfortable, okay?" I heard him say and felt a soft kiss on my forehead. "I'll be right back, I'm not going to leave you, I promise."

I believed him and knew that he was just trying to help me. I just didn't want to be left alone right now either. I tried to reach out and grab his hand, but my hand wouldn't move on it's own. It was that moment that I knew something was wrong, very wrong. I didn't know how long I had been asleep. Fear took a hold and I closed my eyes again when I saw that he had left the room, I could feel the hot tears on my cheeks and I didn't know right now if it was from the pain that I was feeling or from how scared I had become.

I tried to move my fingers and I look down as I fought to get my brain to tell them to move, to make those muscles move. There was nothing, not even a twitch came from them. I couldn't even manage to rationalize it in my head right now. I would have had something encouraging to say to a patient in this position but right now I couldn't think of anything positive to say to myself to make it seem any less terrifying or haunting.

The tube in my mouth was driving me batty too. I didn't know if I wanted to bite the damn thing or to gag from it pushing on the back of my throat. And the air that was going in was to the point where it physically hurt. I wished I could turn it off or something, I did the next best thing that I could think of I tried to bite down on it thinking that if I narrowed it or tried to narrow it then the amount of air that was being pushed in wouldn't be nearly as bad as it had been.

"Hey baby don't do that honey." I heard my dad's voice say as I opened my eyes again knowing he was there again.

'Well then take it out.' That is what I wanted to say to him and wished that I could have said it to him.

I could feel him pick my hand up from the bed, "can you squeeze my hand baby girl."

'What are you my doctor?' Oh good thing that I couldn't say that one to him. I tried my damnedest to squeeze his hand.

"That's good Tess." He said as I felt him drop my hand back down onto the bed and rather than it being some graceful moment it was a very hard thump. I could feel it falling but just couldn't stop it; I couldn't keep my own damn arm from hitting the bed like a dead weight.

When I felt it hit the bed I knew that there was not going to be any jumping out of the bed and walking out of there that night, that and the tube down my throat was a good indication that I wasn't going anywhere. Maybe it was just going to take some physical therapy… okay a lot of physical therapy to get the muscles in my hands and arms to work again, but I was hell bent on not giving up. There was no way that I was going to accept this right now.

"Can we take the tube out?" I heard my dad ask a man in the room with us now. From the way he was dressed it was clear that he was a doctor but not one that I had worked with before. Probably nothing more than an intern or resident working on the floor. I had a pretty good sense that this was the ICU, not a place that I had spent a lot of time. They came through the ER doors I did what I could to patch them up and then sent them on their merry way, whether that was up to another floor or home was dependant upon their condition. I hadn't taken the time to get to know the other doctors.

There was what seemed like a very long pause before there was anything that resembled an answer and it was barely audible to my ears. "She looks good right now we can try it but there are no guarantees that she won't have to go back on it."

I could see my dad nod, "okay you ready there baby girl." I heard him say before I felt myself being flat on my back rather than elevated somewhat in the bed. I was staring now at the white ceiling. Not a position that I ever wanted to be in, but right now I really wanted that tube out of my throat, the eeriness of a machine breathing for me gone.

"On the count of three blow out as hard as you can." I heard the other doctor say.

'Oh come on like you had to tell me that', was what I was thinking as I got ready for him to hit three.

"One…. Two….. Three… blow."

I blew out as I felt the plastic come sliding out of my throat and I started gagging and coughing trying to breathe myself. There was no way that as long as I was conscious that was going back where they had just pulled it from.

I felt my dad's hands around my head as he slipped the nasal canula around my head so that I was getting a little help. My throat hurt something awful.

"Don't try and talk." I heard the other doctor bark before I had a chance to say anything.

I looked over at my dad, "thank you." I whispered before I gave the other doctor this dirty look as if to say 'how dare you try and tell me what to do'. The smiled a soft tired smile for my dad.

"You're welcome baby girl." He said as he sat down next to the bed again. "You should try and rest."

Not bad advice but I wasn't quite ready to give in yet, "mom here?"

"She's at Aunt Elizabeth's getting some sleep." He said. "You rest and I'll give her a call and let her know that you want to see her."

I gave in, you couldn't ever win an argument with him and well sleep was something that I couldn't fight off. I knew that when she got there I'd wake back up. Like a small scared child, I found myself wanting my mom and dad there.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24:

I slept, my body tired and worn out from just being awake for that short amount of time. It hurt when I took a breath in but I sucked that up. I had almost drifted back off again when I heard voices in the room.

"She woke up Doug, really are you sure?"

"Yeah she's just sleeping again. I told her I'd call you if she rested some more."

"And she's okay?"

"Considering that she's been unconscious for over a week she's in pretty good shape.""

"Neurologically?"

"She was talking."

"And? Your tone says more than what you are saying."

Oh I knew my mother's voice even from behind closed eyes, and her tone was telling me that she wasn't happy that my dad wasn't saying the whole story, but right about then I wasn't happy that he wasn't saying the whole story. Perhaps if I kept my eyes closed for just a few more minutes the rest would come out.

There was silence and I knew that he was either giving her that look that said we will talk about it later or he just wasn't saying anything at all more than that.

"You know I am laying right here." I finally said, the silence in the room was not sitting well, "it's rather rude to talk about someone like that."

"Oh baby," I felt someone sit on the bed next to me, prompting me to crack my eyes open. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine mom." I said giving her a very soft and forced smile.

"That's good." I could see her eyes move over to my dad before shifting back to me, "you had us worried Tess."

I cracked something that was a little more like a smile, "you should be used to that by now." I had to add some sarcasm in there to deal with everything. "So which one of you is going to tell me what's going on?"

"What do you mean honey?" I heard my mother say.

"I might have been asleep but the last thing I remember is not feeling well and fighting with Ryan out in the hallway." I said. "Where, where is Ryan?" I had to ask; maybe I wasn't remembering all of the fight. I could feel this sense of panic start to set in and my throat tighten up as I looked at both of them as the tears started to mist my eyes.

"I sent him home," Carol said, "he was exhausted and tired, he's been here everyday." I felt her touch my head trying to reassure me it was okay. "He didn't want to go but I told him that you wouldn't want to see him looking like that when you woke up. I'm sure he'll be back really soon. He comes really early in the morning to check on you before his shift downstairs. I know he'll be so very happy to see you awake."

I wanted and tried to believe her, "you'd tell me if that wasn't true right? You'd tell me the truth?"

"Of course we would honey." I heard her say back to me.

"Baby girl, he's really been here and has been worried about you. Abby had to chase him out when you were downstairs and your mom and I have had to chase him out of here. We knew you wouldn't want him to get worn down and sick too."

I nodded I wouldn't have wanted him to get sick. "I didn't know the flu could do this."

"You didn't have the flu," I looked at him that catching me off guard. "You had bacterial pneumonia, developing into a severe infection and you developed ARDS."

I looked up at him now, "and now?"

"You're awake and that's all that matter's." I heard my mother say.

"Dad?" One of the two of them was going to tell me, "someone had better start talking or I am going to scream until I get the physician that's taking care of me in here."

"Tess," he said looking at me, "you've been asleep for almost 10 days. You're awake, you're breathing on your own. You are cognitively aware of where you are, whose here with you, those are all important things."

As much as a part of me didn't want to know, a deep part of me really needed to know. I wanted to know what I was up against, what my chances were for making a full recovery and I knew that there was someone in this hospital who could give me the answers if they didn't want to, "how long… how long was I down? I woke up ventilated so I know that I wasn't breathing."

"I don't know Tess."

I could tell that he was giving me an honesty answer. "I need to know Dad," I said my voice was very soft right now. "I need to know if this is something that I am going to have to learn to live with." I started to cough and wanted to die right there and then it hurt so badly. I wanted to keep talking but I had to stop.

"Here honey."

I held up my hand knowing that she was trying to get me to drink something but I knew that wasn't going to help. There was gunk caught in my lungs and the only way it was coming out was for me to cough it up. Finally it subsided, "oh that smarts." I said as I fought to catch my breath. "You'd think I had broken a rib or something."

"You had a chest tube." My dad said, "You're going to be sore for awhile, they just took it out yesterday."

"Oh lovely, anything else you care to tell me that they did to me?" I realized that I was being very short and snippy right now. I dropped my head a little, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He said looking at me and then at Mom who nodded back. "I can't imagine how frustrating that this is for you."

"It is, but that doesn't mean I should take it out on you." I answered. "Really I'll try to keep it in check. I just really don't want to be here. I am happy you and mom are here, but I want to see Ryan, I want to be in my own bed." I could feel those tears stinging my eyes again, "I want to be able to move myself, to walk out of here."

"You will in time baby girl."

"I know, I'm just not patient." I said in a much softer tone.

"That one I do know." He said. "I think you came into the world running and haven't stopped since." He patted my hand now. "Why don't you close those eyes of yours, and yes I know that I am nagging but that's a father's prerogative because I want to see you get better and be able to take you home to your apartment and then have you come walking through those ER doors as the bright doctor you are."

"I know you are only watching out for me." I said. "I'm sore but not tired right now."

"Why don't I go find Morgan she's still on, and have them give you a little something for the pain?" He said, "the body heals better when it's not in pain."

"Yeah that might not be a bad idea." I said. "I'm a little cold you think I could have another blanket?"

"I can get that for you honey." I watched as my dad walked out of the room and my mom walked over to the small closet against the wall. "Here you go." She said as she spread it out over me.

With in 20 minutes dad had gotten them to write something and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open again. But I knew that he was right and the more that I slept the fast that I could let my body heal.

"Thank you," I said as my eyes started to go close, "thank you both for being here."

"We wouldn't be any place else." That was the last thing I heard him say before I was out like a light.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25:

Once Doug and Carol realized that Tess was sleeping they stepped outside of the room. The needed to talk to each other with out the fear of being overheard, what Carol needed to say to Doug she really didn't want her daughter to hear and she had this feeling that he didn't want to say something in front of Tess. Carol also didn't want to have Tess overhearing them fight right now that was the last thing that Tess needed, to have her parents yelling at each other in front of her.

"What are you doing?" Carol asked looking Doug straight in the eyes. "She doesn't need to know all of that. What she needs right now is to rest and recover."

"Carol," Doug said looking at his wife returning the same very intense eyes she was giving him back, "she's an adult and needs to be treated like one."

"Doug that is our daughter laying in there." Carol said frustrated with him. "She doesn't need all the medical jargon right now. What she doesn't know isn't going to hurt her."

"Yes she does. She has the right to know what is going on the same as you and I" Doug said softly back, "Carol she's grown up, she's a doctor now and if she doesn't get what she wants to hear from us, she'll get it from someone else." His eyes went back over the sleeping form in the room, "I'd rather she hear it from us than from someone else."

Carol crossed her arms over her chest. And didn't say anything to him, her way of stating just how upset she was over the whole situation. Not that she was so much mad at him, as that this had happened.

"I'm not going to lie to her." Doug stated in defense of the cross arm position. He hated when she did that and Carol knew it, but it sure did manage to get her point across to him. However, Doug was unwilling to budge with how he felt right now. In his eyes, he was doing the best thing for Tess by not sugar coating the truth if the questions were asked. "I refuse to lie to her Carol. That is the one thing that I will not do. I have worked hard to gain my daughters trust and I won't do anything to undermine it. She trusts both of us." He put extra emphasis on saying the word both, "we need to respect that trust."

"I didn't ask you to lie to her, protecting her is another thing." Carol said fighting to keep her voice down the best that she could right now, "we need to protect our child."

"What if she had something that would kill her Carol, would you hide that from her too to protect her?"

"No and that's not the same thing and you know it."

"It is the exact same thing." Doug said looking at her. "Telling her what's going on isn't going to hurt anything, it might give her a feeling of control over what's going on. She's scared, she's hurting, and right now we're all she has."

"And her getting sick, this is going to have some life changing consequences." Carol said.

"We don't know that."

"Then you are saying everything is fine with her, there was no neurological damage from this, that in a few days she'll be walking out of here?" Carol asked.

"No I'm not saying that either. We don't know yet, it's a wait and see game still. She's awake and right now and asking questions, questions that we should answer not avoid. What if that were you lying in there knowing that something wasn't right, you knew something wasn't right yet no one would tell you what that was, that we were protecting you from what we don't even fully know?"

"Tess is awake?"

Both Doug and Carol turned around at the sound of another voice in the hallway to see Ryan standing there looking at them both with a hint of disbelief on his face, "when? Why didn't anyone call me? Is she okay?"

Doug looked at the young man standing there now, "a little while ago. She's sleeping again. But if you want to go in I'm sure she'd be happy to see you when she wakes up again." Doug put his arm on the young man's shoulder now, "I'm sorry that I didn't call you Ryan. I knew you'd be coming in so I thought that it would be best if you got some sleep."

Ryan nodded, "Kate called and she's arriving at Midway at 6:30. She said not to worry that she'd take the EL here or catch a cab." He reached up and put his hand on the door now to go in and see his girlfriend.

When Ryan had gone inside and the door went shut, "if she doesn't hear it from us she'll hear it from him, and there's no way that he won't say anything to her. That boy is head over heels in love with her and just like I could never tell you no. Tess had him the same way you have me."

"He won't say anything." Carol said looking in over him, "no offense but he knows about as much as she does right now. About as much as I know." She sighed softly now. "You need to be honest with me Doug right here right now. What is it that you would say in front of her? What is it that has you so worried?"

Doug looked at Carol and into the room before looking at Carol again. He knew she was right, he hadn't said much in front of Tess, and he didn't want to say anything until Tess's doctor had come in to check on her. There were a million things that it could be and a million things that it couldn't have been. "I'm sure it's nothing." Doug said his voice dropping down to nothing more than a whisper now. "She just doesn't have any strength on the left side. It could be from laying there, a side effect of the drug…"

Carol cut him off, "or it could be from being deprived of oxygen for as long as she was."

"Or it could be that. I didn't want to say anything until her doctor has seen her. It's probably nothing serious." He said looking down before bringing his eyes back up. "I don't want to worry until we have to."

Carol leaned against the wall. "What if she asks Doug?" Carol looked over at him now her eyes softer and filled with the worry of being a mother.

He shook his head softly, "I don't know Carol. We tell her the truth as we know it, that we don't know anything."

"She won't take that well."

"No she won't." Doug said.

"What do you think?" She said, "Doctor."

"I don't want to hazard a guess." He said.

"Come on Doug." Carol said looking at him, "you have any reassurance for me here? Or should I be planning on moving her back to Seattle where she'll have someone to take care of her, to help take care of her."

"That might be jumping the gun just a little bit there Carol." Doug said looking at her, "I think before we go thinking worse case scenario here we give it a little bit of time. There's no need to put the cart ahead of the horse."

"We'd better get back in there before they think we are having a serious conversation out here."

"Too late for that my dear." Doug said, "how about we leave those two alone for a few minutes and get out of this hallway. If we hurry I think we can get a quick breakfast some coffee and be back before Kate arrives and Ryan has to leave."

"That sounds like a plan to me." She said softly as she put an arm around his waist hugging onto him softly. "Besides I don't think they need us hovering over them right now."

"That you are right about." He said, "I didn't think I would ever be comfortable leaving her with another guy, but there's something about Ryan that, well even I can't find fault with."

"That's got to be a first."

"There's always a first for everything." He said as the headed off to grab something to eat and give Tess and Ryan some quiet time.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26:

I could smell a very familiar smell from behind my closed eyes. "It's hard not to notice when you come into a room." I said softly.

"Hey baby."

"Hey yourself." I said as I managed to open up one eye waking up a little more. I hadn't been asleep all that long but I would wake up while he was there. He was after all a sight for sore eyes.

"It's good to see those big brown eyes of yours." He said as I felt his hand now touching mine.

"I'm sorry if I scared you." I said giving him a soft smile, "I didn't think I really was that sick."

"I know." I felt his hand brush my hair back from my face, the curls out of control from not being tamed in days.

"Does that mean that I'm forgiven?" I knew the answer to that one but I had to ask anyway.

"Yeah you are." He said, "at least by me. I can't speak for Dr. Carter or for Dr. Lockhart; I think you gave them more grey hair."

"They needed it." I said with a soft laugh. "I am glad to see you though."

"Not nearly as glad as I am to see you awake and talking." He said back to me.

Looking at Ryan's face I could see how tired he looked. "Have you slept at all?" I asked, "you look worn out."

"Yeah I have." He said, "don't you worry about me now. You have other things that you need to concentrate on."

"Yeah well if I don't worry about you who else will?" I said.

"Everyone in the ER." He answered back to me. "You should get sick more often. I've been getting lots of attention." There was a hint of a smirk on his face, "I'm just joking don't even think about it."

"Oh I don't think you have to worry." I said coughing again. It took me a minute to get it under control. "This isn't in my future plans, I might enjoy working in the hospital but I hate being in the hospital."

I watched as he got this very serious look on his face before saying anything and it was a look that gave me shivers. "Good, cause you know that I love you." He said with a very soft voice, barely auditable and I really had to strain to catch those three little words as they caught me off guard.

I wasn't sure what to say to that one. It wasn't anything I had honestly expected to hear from him, well just not yet. It made my heart skip a beat to hear them though. "I love you too." I answered back my voice matching the softness of his; it didn't feel as awkward to say as I thought that it would. That could have been because I was tired or feeling a little bit woozy right about now but it was out in the open and we could deal with it later if we needed too.

"I should let you get some sleep, I'm sure that you need it."

"Okay would everyone let up with me needing to rest?"

"You must be feeling better if you are already complaining about being coddled." He said to me.

"Yeah well all this coddling can stop." I said looking at him seriously for a minute. "Do you have to work?"

"Yeah sadly I do, I'd rather stay here with you but then I kind of would like to graduate too." He said smiling.

"Oh yeah I keep forgetting that part." I said smirking.

"Rub it in baby considering you're the doctor who can't tell when they have something more serious than the flu." He said to me.

"Hey my diagnostic skills are not perfect." I said in response. "I'm an intern I haven't seen it all yet."

"I'm not going to argue with you darling." He said, "Kate should be here in a little bit. I know she's worried about you."

"Doesn't she have to be in school or something like that?" I said as I shifted the best that I could trying to get more comfortable which was nearly impossible right now to do.

"She wants to be here Tess." He said, "you might not feel like you need them but hey family is family."

"No it's not that I don't want them here," I said looking at him, "I just don't like the idea of them having to put things on hold. I'm sure that mom and dad have missed a lot of work to be here."

"I don't think that they would want to be anyplace else right now." He said touching my hand and bringing it up. "You know they are just worried about you that's all."

"Yeah I know." I let out a soft sigh. "Too worried right now. I know that there's something that they aren't telling me I just don't know what it is." I gave him my puppy dog eyes, "you don't know do you?"

"Tess that one I'm in the dark on." He said giving me the same face back. "Don't try that puppy dog look with me, I'm immune to it, your charms I will fall for but not those eyes."

"I had to try." I said giving him a smile, "I just need to find out who the doc is that is in charge of me."

"Why what's wrong?" He got a very concerned look on his face.

"I don't know." I answered honestly. "I was hoping that he could tell me. Can you give me a hand here?"

"What do you need?"

"Can you help me move up in this bed?" I half asked now, "I can't get myself scooted up and looking at you almost flat on my back is killing my neck here."

"Sure." He said standing up and moving closer to me. "Just put your arm around my neck." As hard as I tried that arm would not move up, I couldn't lift it around his neck. "Tess grab on so that I can help scoot you up."

"Ryan I can't." I said.

"What do you mean you can't?" He gave me that really, really worried look now.

"I mean I can't." I answered.

I could feel him reach down and take my hand into his. "Squeeze my hands." He said.

"Oh very doctor sounding of you." I said as I did what I was told. "At least I know you weren't sleeping that day."

"Very funny Tess." He said looking at my hands and then at me. I watch as he moved towards the end of the bed.

"What are you doing?" I asked, "really I just want scooted up in the bed."

"Push down like you're stepping on the gas." He said.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah I am, come on Tess; push down like your driving."

I did what I was told or so I thought I was doing what I was told. There was silence coming from him so I wasn't sure what to think. "Ryan come on say something there, you making me worried."

"I'm sure it's nothing."

"Not the response that I want to hear. I already know that I am having trouble with my left hand. What is it more than just that?"

"I'm sure it's just from being sick and not having your strength back yet. Maybe a side effect from the drug." He said as he moved up towards the head of the bed and more so picked me up to scoot me up in the bed.

"Ryan."

"You're recovering from being really sick Tess." His voice was really soft right now. "Baby I'm sure that's all it is."

"Yeah you know what you don't tell me, what they don't tell me, I am going to find the answers to eventually."

"You didn't move your left foot." He said, "it's left sided weakness. But really we shouldn't worry about it just yet it could be anything."

"Yeah I'm sure it's nothing." I said not even believing that one myself. "You know I think I am going to take everyone up on that resting thing."

I felt a soft kiss on my forehead. "I'll come back up when I get a break okay?"

"Yeah, please." I said even softer as I closed my eyes, "I just need a nap that's all. Sneak me up something chocolate would ya, or even a latte."

"That I can do." He said.

I didn't know if he was smiling or not as my eyes were closed again. This all just had to be a bad dream, a horrible side effect or something, this wasn't my reality and I just wasn't going to face it right now. I could lay there with my eyes closed and just sleep away whatever it was. I might have been down for the count but I wasn't going to be defeated.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27:

I heard the door open and close and finally for the first time since I had woken up felt completely alone. I was scared and terrified now that the reality of everything had started to settle in a little more and I had this silence to think about all of it in. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

There were a million questions running through my head now and I didn't have anything that was even remotely close to answers. It had to come back; I had to find the will or the way to get the use of my entire left side back. Hypoxic brain damage, why me? That's what it had to be, they could tell me that it was just from being sick, that I just needed to be patient and that it would come back as I got better, yet something inside me was screaming that I knew better. That I knew more than just the average patient that they were so used to dealing with. Right now I wished that I didn't know what I did, it might have made this just a little more easy to deal with.

I must have laid there doing nothing but thinking for the better part of an hour and in that hour had done nothing but work myself up into a frenzy complete with now being sick to my stomach and wanting to scream bloody murder at the first person that came before my eyes. I heard the door squeak open and turned my head. Not the person that I should be yelling at just yet. After all it wouldn't be a good thing for me to take my sister's head off after she had flown all the way out here to see me.

"Hey." I said softly as I saw Kate pushing her way inside.

It took her a minute to get across the room and over to the bed. "Hey yourself." She said, "How are you?"

"Okay I guess." I answered her question. "Just tired but other than that okay."

"Yeah I bet you slacker." She said with a smile on her face as she sat down next to the bed, "you should win an Emmy for your performance."

"I think I should too." I answered back.

"You know you uh… you can't hide when something's wrong. Not from me." She said.

"Still reading my mind are you?"

"Well no, but I know you almost as well as I know myself." She said, "And you are radiating that something isn't right."

"Your radar is broken." I said. "Everything is just fine; I'm tired and stuck in bed that's the only thing that's wrong."

"Then get out of the bed and well go get something to eat." She said. "Those peanuts don't count as real food."

"You go ahead." I said softly, "I'm not hungry and I don't think I could eat anything if I wanted to right now. I'm still not feeling all that hot."

She leaned over and smacked me in the head. It was almost as if she was sitting there waiting for me to hit her back.

"Kate, knock it off." I said rather shortly. "I'm not in the mood to play games."

"I can see that. Want to tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing." I was really short with her now. "Just drop it would you. There's nothing wrong that you need to worry with don't you have something that you should be doing?"

"I am doing it." She said looking at me with this weird look on her face, "why are you telling me to get lost?"

"Yeah I am telling you to get lost. I just want to sleep with out a million people in here looking at me like I'm a freak of nature." I was starting to get upset and I wasn't sure why. It wasn't like she was doing anything out of the ordinary, nothing that we hadn't always done since we were kids. But today it was really grating on my last nerve.

"Why don't I go and find mom and dad." She said as she started to stand back up. "Let you get some more sleep and then come back and see you in a little bit."

"Yeah you go and do that." I snapped.

"I will." She didn't say anything else but got up and walked over to the door, "Tess?"

"Oh Jesus what now Kate?" I said turning my head over to look at her as I rolled my eyes.

"You know you are my sister and I love you." She said before walking out the door.

I was not going to let her put me on some kind of guilt trip right now. No I had every right to be in a foul mood, to not feel good, and to want to be left alone for a few minutes.

The door opened again and I wanted to scream. I didn't even look to see who it was. "Just go the hell away."

"Okay." I heard the voice say.

"Ryan I'm sorry." I said, "Come in." I didn't want to pick a fight with him and while I might have been mad at the world right now I decided that I shouldn't alienate everyone in the world.

"No it's okay," he said not moving any further into the room. "I just thought that I had left my stethoscope up here but it's not on the chair." He said. "Get some more sleep."

I heard the door close before I could get anything else out. Oh I hadn't meant to make him upset or even to yell at him, my patients was just really short right now, but I knew if I kept this up come the end of the day I wasn't going to have any friends left.

I closed my eyes looking back up at the ceiling, was that what I was trying to do. Push everyone away so that I didn't have to worry about them worrying about me? Oh that just wasn't right but it sounded exactly like something I would do. That wasn't something that you wanted to admit to yourself. But just because I heard that little voice in my head saying that I was doing that and that I shouldn't be doing that didn't mean that I had to acknowledge that. I could pretend that I hadn't heard that voice inside me… no I couldn't.

But then was there anything wrong with actually having some time to try to understand all of this myself with out all of them hovering over me. I glanced over to see the door open again this time waiting before snapping to see who it might have been. It was a doctor who briefly introduced himself to me before turning me into a small human guinea pig.

It was right there and then that I decided that was definitely not how I was going to treat patients from now on. I would give them a minute to respond, or at least more than a tenth of a second to prepare for what I had just said I was going to do. I think he poked me as he said he was going to poke me, and rather than asking me to do something or try to do something he was literally barking orders at me. This guy did not have the best bedside manner that much I had gathered in the first 2 minutes he was in the room.

Then he gave me the old familiar be back to check on me later, which I knew would translate into see you in about 12 hours when I am going off shift, sooner if I need to present or maybe not until tomorrow. That and I think what irked my chain about this doctor was the fact that he talked down to me the whole time he was in there. What did he not know that yeah, hello, I had spent years in medical school and earned the right to be called doctor myself? If I could have, I so would have clocked him upside the head but the moron was on the left side of the bed, going for my weak side so that I could.

My day had to get better, really it had to. I figured that if I didn't see Ryan by lunch time or shortly there after I would page him. If that didn't give him a heart attack getting a page from the SICU, it would at least get him up here so that I could offer something that resembled an apology. Yes I would apologize to him but that was as far as that was going to go.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

It took Kate a few minutes to find her parents that had gone across the street to get something to eat. She found them and headed over to their table.

"Have a nice visit with your sister?" Carol asked.

"Very pleasant with her royal grumpiness." Kate said as she flopped down into the booth next to Carol reaching over and grabbing a piece of her mother's toast off the plate.

"I'm sure she's just tired Kate." Doug said looking over at the younger of his two daughters's who appeared to be a little bent out of shape.

"Yeah." Kate said taking a bite. "Well her highness can just sit up there and stew."

"Kate." Doug said giving her a sterner look now.

"What, she's the one that told me to get lost… and yes she used those exact words." Kate retorted.

"I'm sure she didn't mean it."

"Oh no she did mean it. There's something wrong with her and she won't spill the beans. I know when my sister is upset and that girl is upset." Kate said looking back at her dad now before looking over at her mom. "Can I go to Aunt Lizzie's and shower?"

"Yeah sure you can." Doug said looking over at Carol. "Why don't you take her over there, I'll go back upstairs."

Carol nodded, "yeah I can do that."

"Just duck when you enter. She's snippier than normal." Kate said. "But then I'm sure for you she'll be an angel."

"Kate." There was a warning to the tone of his voice right now Doug said as he stood up. He kissed the top of Carol's head and then the top of Kate's. "I'll see you soon."

"Bye." Carol said as she turned her attention to Kate after she watched Doug walk out the door. This wasn't going to be easy on anyone. Especially not Tess, but Carol knew that Doug could handle what ever was going on. She'd give the two of them some time to talk and get her other child in a better mood before dealing with Tess.

Doug knew that he needed to see if he could untangle Tess's tail feathers. She had always been a stubborn child, the last to ask for help if she needed it, yet always full of questions with a steady demand for answers.

Doug crossed back into the hospital going through the ER entrance. That was more of an old habit than anything else. Years of traveling into work that way still was embedded in the back of his mind. He noticed Ryan standing at the admit desk with a scowl upon his face and chart in his hand that with a look at the young medical student you could tell that he really wasn't concentrating on.

"Did she get you too?" Doug asked as he neared the young man.

"Oh hey Dr. Ross." He answered back. "She's fine. I think she's just overly tired right now."

"I'm sure she is." Doug said giving him another look, "I'll talk to her, I'm sure whatever she did, she really didn't mean. She can be a little mean without meaning to when she's not feeling well."

"I understand, really I do." He said. "You can tell she's tired. I just figured it was safer to hide out down here that up there. She can't throw things if I'm three flights below her."

"She threw something at you?" Doug's eyes got wide.

"No sir." Ryan answered. "She's just upset and well its preventative… for my sanity."

"I see." Doug said, knowing that he definitely needed to have a talk with her. Not to yell at her but to give her a little bit of a reality check. Just because she wasn't feeling well didn't mean that she needed to be taking it out on everyone around her.

"Don't be too hard on her." Ryan said trying now to defend Tess a little. After all she had tried to apologize to him and right would have stayed if he didn't honestly think that she probably needed to sleep and have a few minutes of down time. What he had said to her had probably thrown her for a loop and well if that had been him he was sure that he would probably want to have a few minutes to himself and hoped that Tess would have given him the same respect.

"I won't be hard on her at all." Doug said answering him back now as his eyes went towards the elevator. He opted for the stairs that way he'd have more time to think of what he was going to say to her and give her just a few more minutes to herself. After all that might have in itself done the trick. Maybe she did just need a "time-out".

He stood outside the door to her room for taking in a couple of deep breaths now that he was there. Slowly he pushed the door open, "Tess can I come in?" He waited a second and didn't hear anything so he stepped a little more into the room, "Tess, honey, its Dad." He said again as his eyes drifted over towards the small ball on the bed. "Can I come in?" As he walked farther into the room he was a caught a little off guard by there being no response from Tess. Perhaps she had gone back to sleep but the sound that was coming from the bed wasn't the sound of a sleeping Tess. It was the sound of a very upset Tess, the one sound that a father didn't like to hear, the sound that could break a parent's heart when it was for all the wrong reasons. It was the sound of his baby girl crying.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29:

I heard him come into the room and I tried so hard to silence the tears that had started to fall after it had time to all sink in. I didn't move from the curled up ball that I had managed to get myself into. I didn't want him to see me cry.

Without him saying a word I felt my dad's weight on the bed and then felt myself being pulled into a hug. There was something about being in your dad's arms when you were scared, hurt, and frightened that made it just seem a little bit better, made it just seem a little more okay to let it go.

"There, there baby girl." I heard his voice, "let it all out."

Now curled up more against my dad, the one person who had always been there for me no matter what I did just that, I let it all go. I didn't try and hold back the tears or fight the urge to cry.

"I know its hard baby girl." He said.

I just sniffled now that was all that I could do. I could find the words to tell him just how scared I was with everything that was happening.

"I can't promise you that it is all going to be okay because I don't know that, and I won't lie to you to make you feel better. But no matter what I'm here for you Tess. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

"Daddy…" my voice trembled from the tears starting to form again and my eyes becoming wet, "I'm… I'm… scared."

"Oh honey I know you are." He said softly as I felt his hug tighten for just a minute. "I don't what you're going through and just how you feel but I know you're scared, but we are going to do everything that we can to get your through this. You have to trust us to help you. We are just going to have to take it one day at a time and you and I we'll find a way to get through it."

I nodded as I cried again into his shoulder. I could feel him stroking the top of my head in an attempt to help comfort me. He used to do it when I was little and had gotten hurt. "Owie, owie Dad." I said as his fingers got tangled in my hair.

"Sorry." He said softly, "guess something never change huh."

I nodded not wanting to move. I knew that I couldn't stay with my dad forever, but right now he was doing a damn good job of making me feel better, tangled fingers and all. I could feel him start to move his hand again, knowing this time he was watching so that he didn't become tangled.

"You sure got your mother's curly hair." He said. "Of all the things you could have gotten you ended up stubborn like your old man."

I nodded again. When I was little it was him that I always preferred to be with, if something went wrong I would go running to him rather than my mom. "and you wouldn't have it any other way." I sniffled.

"Got that right." He said. "Just don't tell your mother I'm your favorite."

"I think she already knows." I answered softly.

"I think you are right there." He replied.

We sat there in silence for a little while longer as my tears started to slow. "Dad?"

"What baby girl?"

"Do you think that they will let me take a bath?"

"I don't know why?"

"Cause I smell."

"I wouldn't say that you…."

I cut him off as I looked up at him with my big brown eyes that matched his, "daddy I smell, I know I smell, and you can't tell me that I don't smell. You know you smell when you can't stand to be next to yourself."

"Blame your mother." He said. "She tried to give you sponge baths but didn't really want to do it with Ryan sitting in here with you. No offense throwing you in the tub when you were two years old is one thing but you're on your own now."

I could feel the heat in my cheeks a little now. "Uh thanks I think." I said giving him a puzzled look, "do you think that they will let me, or do you think that maybe just maybe you could get me a tooth brush and basin." I batted those big brown eyes of mine now; god let the man get me a tooth brush.

"Yeah hold on." He walked into the small bathroom area and came back with a tooth brush and a small glass of water. And without saying anything got it ready, "you're right handed so I don't think that I have to worry about you poking your eye out with this."

I happily took the toothbrush from him. "Okay I think I can manage to brush my teeth with out taking out my vision." I said.

I felt him pat my head as I started to brush my teeth. Once I had that done, even I had to admit that it made me feel a little bit better. Not quiet as grungy as I had been feeling before he came back up. "Thank you daddy." I said.

"You're welcome baby girl."

He was watching me and I knew he was watching me, "what did I get it all over my face or something?"

"No, you didn't. You're just…" he stood up and came over to me. "You're falling over here dear." I felt him move me a little and use a couple of extra pillows and move the head of the bed some to get me to where I wasn't the leaning tower of Pisa anymore.

"Thanks." I said now that I was a little more comfortable.

"Don't mention it, can't have you looking like Raymond on New Years Eve."

"That's the one that never walks in a straight line after the party right?" I asked as I tried to remember him, "or is he the one that puked off the roof onto the Chief of Emergency Medicine's car last year?"

"One in the same." My dad said.

"Oh yeah that's right." I let out a soft laugh. "I don't want to look like him."

"You're way prettier than Raymond could ever be and well you have a lot more natural talent than he does." My dad said as he settled in the chair with his arms crossed over his chest. They were just resting there and I knew that difference between arms crossed mad and not mad look now.

"I'm glad you think so." I said as I shifted a little bit in the bed.

"Oh I would rather have you taking care of me even as a fourth year medical student than to let him work on me." He said back to me.

"How's Rich doing?" I asked.

"He's doing really well." My dad answered. "One of the best interns we have right now thanks to you."

"He just needed a giant push in the right direction. Big people we not his thing he always did better with the little people."

"He's a good pediatrician that's for sure. And I think he misses having you around to give him a hard time."

"Yeah I'm sure he misses that Dad." I let out a soft laugh now.

"Robbie was asking about you."

"Oh no please tell me that you didn't give him a phone number and address or a location of where I was living." I groaned now.

"No I didn't. I'm not that cruel. Besides I don't like him that well." My dad said.

"Good thank god for small favors." I said with something that resembled a smile. "Is mom coming back?"

"She took Kate to Aunt Lizzie's for a shower and I'm sure that after about four hours they will be back. You know how long it takes your sister when no one is rushing her or pushing her out the door."

"Yeah I know that one all to well." I said, "I just really want a bath."

"I know, I could see if one of the…"

"I'll wait for mom." I said cutting him off. "No offense but I'd rather have mom help me."

He nodded, "yeah okay. We can wait for her to come back."

"Thanks." I said shifting in the bed. "Dad?"

"You never let up with the questions there do you kiddo, what?"

"Something's not…. Something's not right." I stammered.

"What do you mean?"

I could see him jump to his feet. I had been ignoring the feeling, but it wasn't going away. But my chest was starting to get tight and it was feeling a lot like a panic attack in a way. I held up my right hand which was shaking. It was as if my muscles in my arm had decided to retaliate and I couldn't control them anymore.

I could see him reaching for the call button and when he did that I knew that it wasn't good. With one quick moment he not only had put the bed back a little so that I wasn't sitting as upright as I had been but he had the side railing up and was at the door.

I had a feeling that the muscle spasm wasn't a spasm that it was a partial seizure from my brain being deprived of oxygen not uncommon to have happen but it was still scaring the ever loving daylights out of me.

It took him less than two minutes to have the nurse and nearest resident in the room. "Hold on Tess." He said as he came back to my side, "they're going to give you some meds and you're probably going to get sleepy."

I nodded knowing he was right that if it was a partial seizure and I was in the middle or near the end of it then it was probably Ativan that they were putting in my IV line and I would indeed end up sleeping. My eyes closed but I could still hear the voices although I was fading into sleep fast.

"We will just need to keep an eye on her. Seizures after being deprived of oxygen like she was is a common occurrence and we will take her up for a CT scan to get pictures of just what's going on in there. I would like to be able to tell you not to worry Dr. Ross but right now we are not certain just what is going on. You're daughter is ill and we will do everything that we can for her."

I tuned the doctor out after hearing that. I wanted to sleep rather than listen to him drone on in that very annoying monotone voice that he was using. I knew my dad was there and that he wouldn't leave my side while I needed him and I also knew that he wouldn't let them use me as any kind of guinea pig. Hey if you had to be sick, best to have a dad who was a doctor there to keep an eye on you.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30:

I could hear voices in the room with me and I struggled to try to get my eyes to cooperate and open but right now they felt as if they had been super glued shut. I laid there trying to recover the strength that I was going to need to get them to open as I listened to those who where talking.

"I'm sorry, that's what the ct showed."

"Is it long term?"

"That we don't know. There's a lot about the way that people recover from these kinds of injuries that we just don't know about."

"She wasn't injured, she was sick."

"It's still an injury regardless of how it occurred. We've seen people drown and come back to have a full recovery."

"And the seizures, will they continue."

"In all honestly most likely. You can't deprive the human brain of oxygen and not except something to happen to it. She's waked up, she's talking, she's moving somewhat on her own, and she knows who she is and where she is those are all good signs."

"But the seizures and the shift in her personality, those aren't."

"They are not necessarily bad signs either. It just means that she's going to have a lot of work to get to where she was. The brain might not regenerate but it can be retrained. New connections can be made. I'm not going to tell you that she'll be the same person she was before she became ill but I'm not saying that she won't be able to return to the way that she has been."

"Thank you."

"If you need anything else have them page me. I'll be here all night."

Night, had I been out that long and what exactly were they talking about. The last thing that I remembered was feeling off and having dad tell me that they were going to give me something and it would make me sleepy. He didn't say anything about the feeling like a Mack truck had run over me.

I managed to get my eyes open a crack, just enough to make out who was standing there. "You all can stop staring at me." I said noticing that there were four sets of eyes looking at me now. My mom and dad where there and so was Kate and Ryan. They had worried looks on there faces as I managed to get my eyes open even more now.

"Hey baby." Ryan said walking over and kissing the top of my forehead.

"How long have I been out?"

"About seven hours now."

"Hmm, sleepy huh dad." I said raising an eye brow at him, "think that's more along the lines of knocked my…."

"Yeah." He cut me off before I could finish that sentence. "But you needed it."

"Thanks," I said giving him a half smile, "so which one of your very intelligent people are going to tell me what that was all about, and before you saying nothing, or not to worry about it, while my eyes might have been closed, my hearing is still intact and working." I watched as the four of them looked at each other having a deer in the headlights look upon their faces. Dad looked at mom, Kate looked at Dad, Ryan looked at me and then at Dad, "Dad?"

He looked at me for a moment and I knew that I might have to poke him a little to get someone to say something, I looked at the four of them and decided to pray on the weakest, or who I thought would be the weakest. "Ryan…"

"Tess honey you had a seizure." My dad said stepping closer to me. How did I know that he wasn't going to let me put the squeeze on Ryan?

"And what?" I said. "What did the CT scan show? I want to… I need to know how bad this really is." That I might not have wanted to know, but a small part of me wanted to know what I was going to be up against trying to get my life back together.

He turned to face everyone else in the room, "can you give me a few minutes along with Tess please." He didn't have to speak twice the room emptied out and there was just him and me in there. Not good if he was clearing out the room.

"You are scaring me dad." I said looking at him with wide eyes.

"Tess, it showed that there were small areas that suffered some damage from when you went into respiratory failure." He said looking at me.

"But that's not uncommon." I said, "It could be just temporary. I know that you can't undo damage that's been done by hypoxia, but I do know that it doesn't mean that I am going to be like this forever now, does it?"

"They don't know Tess." He said. I could tell that he was being honest with me when he said that, "it's still pretty early and it might take awhile for you to get back on your feet."

"But I will get back up on my feet."

"I can't make any promises." He said solemnly.

"I am not giving up." I said with something that resembled determination, "I am not leaving here until I finish my residency."

"Tess, that might not be possible."

"No, I have worked to hard to give this up. I have spent 8 years to get to this point. If I don't finish my intern year I can't practice and if I can't practice then I have just wasted all that time and I am not to settle for that."

"You might have to put if off for a little while, I'm not saying that you can't finish it, but finishing here might not be an option." His tone was still rather solemn with me and there was almost a bit of sadness that I thought I was picking up on. "Your mother and I think that it might be better for you to come back to Seattle while you recuperate for now."

"I am not leaving Chicago. This is my home now; my life is here not in Seattle."

"Honey I know that." He said now giving me those sad eyes. "But you are going to need help and your mom and I can't stay in Chicago."

"I'm not going."

"Tess honey you can't even get out of the bed yourself, how are you going to manage by yourself. I'm not suggesting this lightly. You are going to have to think seriously about this. You can't make a rash decision right now."

"I'm not going." I said, "While my family might be in Seattle and that might be where you and mom are, I have been here for several months. I have friends, I have… I have…"

"You can't stay here just because of Ryan."

"And what if that's not the only reason that I am staying?" I asked, "what if I like it here, what if I don't want to leave?"

"Tess that might not be an option." He said, "you might need some help for awhile, you'll be with out any kind of income, how will you pay your rent?"

"I'll figure something out." I said as I turned my head and looked away from him.

"I know this isn't easy and it's probably not what you want, but it is in everyone's best interest to get you well again."

"That doesn't have to be in Seattle." I muttered, "I can get well in Chicago just the same."

"I am just saying that you might have to come home for a little while, not forever." Now was about the time that he would try and lighten things up with a joke, "I mean come on I'll push you back out the nest as soon as I can, I like being able to get into the bathroom when I need to rather than having to wait for you girls to get done."

I just sighed now I didn't know what to say anymore. "I'm going to prove you wrong. You know that don't you."

"Yeah I do know that." He said, "And I am hoping that you do. But I'm here no matter what you need; it's in the job description."

It was going to take a lot more than determination to get through this, yet I was determined for some reason not to have to go back home. It probably had more to do with Ryan than I was willing to admit, but then finally having someone say I love you to you, changed the way that you saw things. Now that I was a little older I knew that this wasn't some puppy crush. There was more to it than that and I needed to see where it was going to go but I couldn't do that from Seattle.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31:

The time just seemed to stand still, as if it didn't want to move through the hour glass now at all. I wanted to do more than I could and being stuck in the hospital wasn't making things any easier. Although being at home probably wouldn't have eased any of the frustration that I was feeling right now.

I heard the room door open and looked up, "hey you, staying busy?"

"You know me too well."

I shot Ryan a smile now. "Come to spring me from here?"

"That I can't do." He said sitting down on the edge of the bed, "I can't get you out of here, per se as out of the hospital but I do have permission to get you out of the room."

"Like I would say no to that." I said back to him, "where do I get to go? Cafeteria? ER?"

"How would you like to make a small break for some fresh air outside?"

"Are you serious?" I asked as I let him help start to move me from the bed into the wheelchair so that I could make a momentary escape.

"Dead serious." I heard him say as he threw a blanket over my legs.

"Let's go then." I said with a touch of excitement in my voice. I hadn't been outside in several days and I really wanted to see the sky again. We went over and caught the elevator and the ride upstairs to the roof seemed to take forever but once we were up there it was more than worth the wait. "This is nice." I said as I felt the wind hit my skin.

"I'm glad you're happy to be up here." He said as we went over to a spot to where he could sit next to me. "How did therapy go today?"

"It went okay." I said as my eyes scanned the skyline.

"Just okay?"

"Yeah I can't do what I want to do, or as much as I want to do." I said trying to explain a little more. "I stood up but walking isn't going all that great." I sighed, "They aren't sure if I'll be able to get rid of the limp anytime soon. I might need help getting around for awhile, but I put my own clothes on."

"That's a start." He said looking over at me now a little more. "Just have to take it one day at a time and just know that every step is one more than what you could do yesterday."

"I know." I said.

"You're parents still putting a lot of pressure on you?"

"Yeah they are, and I know that we really haven't talked about it at all." I said now glancing back his direction. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"We can if you want to." He said.

"Yeah I do." I said softly. "I really don't want to go home, or back to Seattle. I love it here; I like the way things had been going. I just feel like I have a lot here that I don't want to walk away from. But they have a point in other ways."

"What ways?" He said.

"I won't have anyway to pay the rent." I said, "I'm not going to be able to stay by myself here for a little while after I leave the hospital and I'll have to continue the therapy and then there's also the medications."

"And if you go home?"

"I'd not have to worry about the rent." I said shrugging my shoulders. "They want me to stay with them. But that's not what I want to do. It might be in my best interest in some ways but then there's something inside saying that it wouldn't be."

"I don't know what to tell you Tess." He said.

I watched him carefully now, more intently that I had been. Part of me had been hoping that he would say that we could find a way to make it work so that I could stay in Chicago but he didn't and I wasn't sure if I was upset about that or if something inside me had expected it. "It's okay." I said softly. "I'll figure out what to do, I always do." I looked up at the sky and then back over at him before my eyes drifted down. "You know I should have you take me back inside. I'm starting to get cold."

"Okay." His one word response to my request.

I just didn't have the energy to really tell him what I had wanted to hear from him and perhaps if there had been something there, he would have said that he didn't want me to go but he hadn't and I didn't think that he was going to either. It didn't make the decision any easier that I knew I was going to have to eventually make. I knew that I shouldn't be basing it on just this one thing, but part of me was wishing that I could.

Long distance relationships didn't work. I knew that and well my parents had tried the Seattle/Chicago relationship thing for awhile and it just didn't work for them. If two people as in love as my parents were couldn't do it. I knew that there was no way that what Ryan and I were beginning to develop could survive that strain. Not to mention the fact that he still had to finish medical school and that was pressure enough for anyone, not having to worry about someone two thousand miles away on top of that. It would be unnecessary, unneeded stress.

"You're awful quiet honey." I heard him say. His voice snapping me from being lost in my own little world of thought.

"I'm just a little tired." I answered. "Been a busy day."

"Do you want to get something to eat before I take you back to your room?"

"No that's okay." I said softly, "I think that I would rather just sleep for a little bit if that's okay with you?"

"Yeah it's fine."

I watched as he hit the button for the floor that had become a second home to me over the last few days and while nothing in life was ever easy, this was getting to be too much and I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I couldn't really talk to dad about it, mostly because I knew what he thought I should do. Mom, well she wanted the same thing Dad did and Kate had left to get back to school yesterday, so talking to her unless it was over the phone was out of the question. As much as I loved my sister I didn't want to have that conversation with her on the phone.

She was more wrapped up in sports and the like than who I was seeing. I didn't blame her for that either, we both deserved to have lives of our own not dependant upon the other one for constant advice and guidance.

I was still young and there would be plenty of chances for love wouldn't there? I mean you would get your heart broken several times before you found that one special person. My parents were in their late 30's when they finally got their act together, but did that mean that I would have to wait another 10 years before that would happen for me.

Maybe this wasn't meant to be the one, just a warm up relationship. That wasn't the way that I should be thinking about it. Yet something couldn't have been right if that was the way that I was thinking about it.

"Here you go…. Tess, are you with me?"

"Yeah sorry drifted off." I said.

"It's okay."

I looked up to see him smiling. And that had me a little confused for the moment. I didn't know what he would have to be smiling about. "What?"

"I was thinking since you were being so quiet." He said moving me so that rather than being able to attempt to get back up into the bed I was sitting in front of him while he was in the chair by the bed.

"Thinking about what?" I asked.

"I don't want you to go back to Seattle." He said in a very soft voice.

"You don't?" The surprise came through my voice more than I wanted it to.

"No I don't." He said, "I think you should stay here."

"How?" I said, "I mean I know I have an apartment and all but it's not like I have a way to make the rent or work right now."

"I know, but the two of us should be able to come up with a plan."

"You think we can?" I asked. "I'd rather stay in Chicago if I could, if I can, but it just doesn't seem like something that I could do anymore. I don't know when I'm going to get better than this or if I am ever going…."

"Yeah you are going to get better than this." He said cutting me off, "how do you feel about a roommate?"

"Depends on the roommate." I answered.

"The kind that loves you." He said with a soft sweet voice, "I might not have much other than potential. A poor medical student living from day to day, but your parents seem to like me and that's a plus right?"

"Yeah I would say that's a plus."

"Does that mean you want a roomy?"

"I think I could handle it, since you don't snore."

That made him smile a little more and laugh. "Good cause I really do want to move out from where I am living now and who better to move in with than you."

"Keep kissing up there baby and you might never get rid of me." I said with a soft smile.

I felt his hands go under my knees and then the bed underneath me. "Good." He kissed my forehead softly, "now I am going to tuck you into this bed and run and get us something to eat. Might not be fancy but it will be non-hospital food, treat for you."

"Thanks." I said as he made sure that I was in the bed with the covers pulled up. I watched him as he walked out of the room giving me a soft smile before going out the door. It looked like I might have been wrong and that maybe this would work out after all. Time would only tell.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32:

Ryan had left to get us something to eat when my dad a few minutes later returned to the hospital. I didn't think that he'd be back again tonight but nonetheless I was happy to see him. It would give him and I a chance to talk, hopefully talk without any yelling from either one of us. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that he would find something wrong with the decision I had made. I thought that they liked Ryan and hoped that on some level that they could be happy for me.

"Hey Dad." I said as he entered the room.

"Hi there baby girl. You're looking pretty good." He said as he moved over sitting down next to the bed.

"What brings you back? Miss me that much?" I said with a grinning smile.

"You know it." He said as he reached up and ruffled my hair. "I just wanted the chance to talk to you a little bit."

"I was hoping that I would get to talk to you too." I said still trying to smile. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Your mom and I were talking with your doctor today and he said that he didn't see any reason why they couldn't let you out in a couple of days." He said.

"Yeah I was asking him about that earlier today to, right before he stuck me with the slave driving PT woman." I said.

"I thought that I would see if there was anything that you needed from the apartment and if you wanted your mom and I to pack things up for you."

"That's what I want to talk to you about." I said looking down a little now before saying anything else. "I'm going to stay here; I've decided not to go back to Seattle with you and mom."

"What's changed?"

"Ryan is moving in." I said not wanting to look up afraid of catching his eyes and seeing anything that might resemble disappointment. "He's going to help me out until I get back up on my feet."

"Tess is that a wise decision, do you think that it will work out?" He asked.

"Yeah I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't think that it was a good idea. I trust him and I know that I need to have someone there with me some of the time, not all of the time. I can get around a little myself."

"Not that well." He said rather shortly.

"Well enough that I will be okay while he's at the hospital if I'm not here myself." I replied back now sensing some distain in his voice.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone at any point during the day yourself just yet. What if something happened?"

"Nothing is going to happen dad." I answered back again. "I think that it's just better to stay here right now. I don't want to go back to Seattle. I know that you and mom think that it's best, the better option but it's not what I want."

"Ryan influence your decision?"

"No, I made this one myself." I said, "I have friends here and I'm going to be able to get back to work. It's going to take a lot of hard work but I know I can do it."

"Relationship wise, what if this doesn't work out, do you think that he will stick around and continue to help you out?"

"We are friends Dad and if the relationship, the romantic aspect of it doesn't pan out I am sure that he won't just up and leave me sitting there without any help." I was very confident in my answer.

"You sound sure about that Tess."

"I am Dad." I said not hesitating on my response. "I have faith in this and I know that it's going to work out."

"You just need to be sure Tess. I don't want to see you get burned."

"Now you sound like mom." I said back to him. "You just need to trust me that I know what I'm doing."

"That my dear baby girl is easier said than done." He said.

"Mom having a hard time letting go?" I asked softly before letting out a soft sigh. "She's all paranoid now isn't she?"

"She's worried." He said looking at me, "but then you honestly can't blame her for that right now can you?"

"No I can't but it's not like I did something that brought this one. It was because of anything I did." I pointed out. "I am just as safe in Chicago as I am in Seattle. The odds of being hit by a bus are less here than they are in Seattle though."

"Oh that one will make your mother feel so much better about your decision to stay here." He said, "you might want to leave that part off when you tell her you're not coming home."

"Here I thought that you were going to do that part for me." I said trying now to look cute.

"Don't look at me, you want to stay put you can tell her yourself when she comes to visit you." He said, "that's between you and your mother and I am so not getting into it young lady."

"Let the gimp tell her, that way one of us lives that is your thinking isn't it?" I half asked half said. "She won't hurt me, but you are fair game."

"You are finally catching on there darling." He said, "you're on your own for this one."

"I'm not afraid of my…. Oh yell yes I am." I said looking at him, "come on daddy please you tell her… okay don't tell her just don't get me a ticket for the return trip and tell her when you are on your way to the airport back home."

"What so that she can yell and say that she's going to throw me out of the plane at twenty thousand feet. You are on your own and you are going to tell your mother your plans. If you are so confident in them and you think that this is the best thing right now you can stand by it and tell her what you told me."

"Only difference is, you like me."

"Your mother likes you Tess."

"You have more patients with me."

"You are just stubborn and no I'm not doing it."

"I'm not stubborn I'm hard headed just like you."

"You know that."

"Hey I brought you a burger and some fries hope that's oh…" Ryan stopped for a minute, "Good evening Dr. Ross." He noticed that my dad was sitting there.

"Good evening Ryan." My dad said, "hey I'll let you eat I'll see you in the morning and I'll be bringing your mother."

"I'll be here only because I am forced to stay." I said looking at him, "goodnight dad."

"Good night." He started to head out of the room.

"You okay?" Ryan said as he walked over to where my dad had just been.

"Yes I am absolutely fine and awesome that you brought a burger." I said as I waited for him to get everything out of the bag.

"Thought that it might be a little extra PT there shoveling those French fries into your mouth."

"Smart ass." I bantered back.

"What did your dad want?" He asked.

"Just to talk." I said, "I told him that I wasn't going back to Chicago with him and mom. I think that he's okay with it, you know parental worry and all but other than that honestly think he's not going to try and talk me out of it."

"That's good." Ryan said as he sat down settling into the chair to eat, "cause I am pretty fond of the idea of keeping you around."

"Oh you'll get to keep me around. Dad might be okay with it, but we still have to tell mom and if anyone has reservations and is willing to vocalize them it will be her."

"So basically I should be more afraid of your mother than your dad?"

"In a nut shell… yeah." I said.

"Glad you'll be the one to tell her and not me, although if she comes after my head I'll know why."

"Oh no she'll get us both when we least expect it, my mother is sneaky when she wants to be after all those years living with dad she's learned a few things. We'll be watching our back and waiting for the, I told you so… which hopefully won't happen any time soon."

"We're going to be okay Tess. It will be an adjustment and all but hey it's not like we haven't spent the night at your place more than once." He pointed out.

"Yeah I know. It's not that part that I am worried about." I said answering him between the bites of burger.

"I can tell you that it's going to be okay."

"I trust you." I said with a steady voice, "I trust you when you tell me it's going to be okay."

He reached over touching my hand and pulling it into his, "Tess you and I we are going to be okay. We are going to make this work. I am right here now and this is where I am always going to be."

There was a look in his eyes that I hadn't seen before something was there that was more than reassuring, it was comforting. "I know baby… I really know and I believe you when you say it."


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 32:

After Ryan had left I laid there in the dark stillness of the room pondering the upcoming conversation that I was going to have to have with my mom. I knew that it wasn't going to go over as well with her as it had with him. Laying there was getting harder and harder to do the more than my brain started thinking.

Part of me wanted to get up and walk around the room, pacing like I did often when I was trying to think. I knew that if I didn't get my head clear that there would be no way that I would be able to get to sleep that night. If I didn't sleep I would be overly tired the next day and that wasn't going to help the conversation that I was going to be having any. Nor would it help when it came to having to deal with the PT nurse. And she was a hard ass. Reminded me of someone I knew with all her pushing, yet sad but true she didn't give the compliments that came along with the hard work. More like she expected it out of me.

I managed to get to where I was sitting up in the bed. I had some movement back, very little strength and was having trouble walking on my own. But over the last few days I had gotten back the ability to control my arm and be able to put my own clothes on. And that was really a good thing in my mind because there was nothing like not being able to dress yourself and having your mother there to do it for you. At 23 I found that to be rather in a way embarrassing.

I threw my legs over the edge of the bed now. I wouldn't be pacing as I wanted to but maybe moving around even if it wasn't very far it would stop me from thinking so much or lighten my load a little. Granted it took me almost 10 minutes to get to the point where I was about ready to slip off the bed and I had enough strength to hold myself up with the help of the walker that lucky for me they had left close to the bed. Dad must have been slipping in his old age to leave a mode of transportation that close to me.

I finally managed to get myself so that I was ready to stand up. This was feeling like more work than it was worth. Side benefit was that it would in the end; wear me out so that I would have to sleep. I got up off the bed and my feet feeling rather wobbly now that I had gotten this far by myself. I wanted now, felt this drive to do this to show myself that I was indeed getting better.

One step at a time I moved farther away from the bed. 10 minutes later I was almost to the doorway. To me it felt like I had overcome this giant hurdle. I hadn't managed to get this far with the PT nurse. Although if she had been there beside me she would have been pushing me to go even further.

"Hey there, are you supposed to be up and about."

I glanced up to see Abby standing there in the hallway. "Hi Abby." I said. "Probably not." I gave her a small smile. "But they left the ability within reach so I thought that I would just take a little tour here on my own."

"It's good to see you up." She said. "Going anywhere special."

"Not really." I answered. "Though a cup of coffee or tea is sounding pretty good about right now."

She moved over closer to me. "Well then shall we tour down the hallway and see what we can find?"

"Yeah if you don't mind taking an hour to do it." I answered.

"I'm taking a break, take your time. I just brought up a patient from the ER and was checking on them."

"Must be nice." I said as I slowly started to move again.

"What you miss it that much already?" She asked.

"Yeah I kind of do, gets pretty boring when all you are doing is therapy and laying on your back counting the holes in the ceiling." I said as I tried to concentrate on moving a little faster than I had been.

"Well there's a spot for you down there still and I know that you will be back in no time at all now." She said.

"Well that I don't know about. It's not like I can get going all that fast. Might not be much help in a trauma." I answered.

"Yeah but you can still teach, you're good at that." She said. "I'm sure the medical students miss you."

"That I highly doubt." I said as we moved down the hallway. "I'm sure that they have been just fine without my teachings."

"Yeah okay we'll I miss having someone down there as an intern that I don't have to worry about or have to constantly check on." She said. "Cause I know when you bring me a chart you've been meticulous about it."

"Yeah that's from years of father training." I said. "I had the best teacher growing up and well still have the greatest teacher."

"Coffee or tea?" She said as she pushed the door to the lounge area open.

"Tea, coffee will probably keep me up and right now I really should be thinking about going to bed."

"Now don't you get used to these bankers hours." She said. "Days don't suit you and well I think Kerry doesn't need to watch you like she thinks she does. You're one of the better interns in that ER and she should know that."

"She's just afraid that I'm a cowgirl." I said laughing a little. "Bend the rules, that I will do but I don't set out to break them."

"Yeah we all do that. Sometimes you have to bend them to put the patient first. And that in the end is the most important thing."

"You don't have to tell me that." I said as I watched her fix two cups getting ready to hand on to me.

"Feel like sitting here or talking or shall we head back put you back in your bed before they realize that you have gone missing and call out the search parties?" She asked.

"Perhaps back would be better. They won't call out the search parties they will probably call my dad and as much as I like seeing him, he probably needs sleep just as much as I do."

We headed back down the hall and finally made it back to my room. I was tired, more than I thought I would be but I got myself back into the bed with some struggle. But I did it myself.

"You seem to be getting your mobility back really well." Abby said as I watched her settle into the chair.

"Some days I think I am and then others it feels like I can't do nearly enough." I said.

"That's just because you push yourself to hard." She said, "to look at you, you wouldn't know that there was a point not that long ago that you couldn't even change your own shirt and here you are walking down the hallway on your own."

"Well not on my own." I said, "I have to haul that metal thing with me everywhere."

"You'll be up and on crutches before you know it. You're just a little wobbly and the last thing we need is for you to tip over and crack your hard head open."

"Ha-ha." I laughed a little, "I'd hate to dirty the floor."

"Everything other than being stuck here okay?" She asked as I watched her take a drink from her cup. "Rumor has it that you are going home."

"Uh no." I said looking over at her from over the rim of the coffee cup that was keeping my tea warm, "I'll be staying here, Ryan's moving in."

"Roommate huh?"

"Yeah, I think that this one won't be that bad. It's just telling mom that I don't want to go home that makes me cringe."

"Won't be that bad." She said. "I'm sure that your mom isn't going to make that big of a deal out of it."

"You don't know my mother." I said. "I think that this little episode has scared her so much that she's almost afraid to let me out of her sight and being two thousand miles away just isn't close enough to see me all the time like she does Kate."

"Mother's can be like that." She smiled at me now with a devilish grin, "sweet on Mr. McDermott?"

"Yeah you could say that I am sweet on him." I had to laugh softly at that. "I am very sweet on him. Why has he said anything?"

"Yeah he has." She laughed now. "I think he's just as sweet on you as you are on him." She took another drink. "He was all smiles when he left tonight. But you are really going to have to worry about him."

"Why am I going to have to worry about him?" I asked as I shifted in the bed. "He seems like a really sweet guy."

"Oh I don't doubt that he is a really sweet guy, he really does seem like that." She said. "It's his second job that might get him into trouble."

"What second job?" I asked curious now about what she might have been talking about.

"He was talking with Dr. Carter about what he might be able to do that would be medical while he was in med school to make some extra cash and well he's taking on several hours as a part time medic."

"He's what?" I asked. "You are kidding me why would he do something like that."

"I don't know. He said that he had some experience and well Carter mentioned that he could probably do that to earn some extra money."

"Oh man," I said leaning back more into the bed. "I know why he's doing it and well I can't tell him that he shouldn't be doing it."

I watched as Abby stood up, "hey I'm sure everything will be okay. There could be worse things that he could be doing. But I have to get back to work."

"I'll see you later then." I said.

"Night Tess." She said as she walked out of the room.

I watched her exit and then laid back down into the bed. It was going to be a very long night now that I not only had to worry about having that conversation with my mom but I was going to have to worry about my boyfriends new second job.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34:

The morning came to fast. The therapist I think was there before the sun was all the way up but I went without complain for the workout that she put me through. When I finally got back to the room, took longer than normal cause the PT nurse had gotten wind about my late night excursion and decided that if I could go walking at night I could walk back from PT.

She held the door to my room open so that I could get back. "Hey mom." I said when I saw her sitting in there with a cup of steaming coffee.

"Look at you." She said with a smile, "morning Greta."

"Morning Mrs. Ross." My PT nurse said. Before she ushered me back to the bed. "You did well today Tess. I'll see you tomorrow before you are discharged and we'll come up with an outpatient plan for you." She nodded to my mother, "you two have a nice visit."

I just rolled my eyes at the PT nurse, "later Greta."

"Brought you a coffee." Mom said as she sat it down on the tray that was next to the bed, "thought you might like it with your breakfast. I assume you haven't eaten yet."

"No, I don't think that I could do therapy on a full stomach." I said. "They should bring it in here in a few minutes."

"Are you excited about getting out of here?" She asked.

"Yeah I am." I said. I knew that I needed to bite the bullet and just have this conversation with her. "I was hoping that we could talk about that."

"Yeah sure." She said taking a sip from her cup of coffee. "Once we know when you are getting out for sure we can make plans to go back to Seattle. I mean if you need to stay for a day or two that's okay, I told the PT department at the hospital that you might be coming home in a few days."

"That's what we need to talk about." I said softly. I was nervous about telling her but there was that feeling that I needed to do it. "I am thinking about staying in Chicago mom."

"Don't be silly Tess." She said looking at me. "I know that you like it here but you are going to need some help and you have a room at our house, your dad and I can make sure that you have everything you need to get better."

"I'm not being silly." I said, "I've thought this out, really I have. I won't be alone."

"Tess no offense honey, but I really think that you would be better with your family right now." She said.

"Ryan is going to be staying with me mom, so I won't be alone. I can do my therapy here, I'm not that far from here via the EL and I have enough strength that I can take the EL back and forth from the hospital." I said.

"And how are you going to pay the rent and have things that you need right now? You won't be able to return to work for awhile." She asked.

"That's why I asked Ryan to move in Mom." I said. "He'll help out with the rent for right now."

"He's a medical student Tess." She pointed out to me.

"I know Mom; he's taken on a second job for right now." I said. She wasn't making this very easy on me and seemed like she wanted to make sure that she pointed out all the negatives in an attempt to get me to change my mind.

"If he's taken on a second job then he won't be there to help you out. Tess, honey I know you think you can, but you can't take care of yourself yet… not completely on your own." She said giving me that you are going to give in look.

"We'll figure something out mom." I said.

"So you would rather stay in Chicago with a man you barely know than come home and let us help you out for a weeks months?" She said looking at me with stern and upset eyes. "Is that what you are telling me?"

"Yes, but he's not a man that I barely know. Yes we don't have a long history, or this giant track record. But mom there's just something about him." I said trying desperately now to explain this to her. "He's kind, he's caring, and he's understanding and compassionate. I see something in him that I have never seen in anyone else before. But what's more important than all of that is that I love him. Not a puppy crush, or some teenage hormonal thing… but I really love him."

"You don't know what love is yet honey." She said with the same look on her face and in her eyes. "You are too young, really."

"You have loved Daddy since you were 23 years old." I pointed out. "I'm 23 and you are saying that I don't know what love is, how did you know you loved Daddy when you were 23." I thought that I was making a very valid argument with her right now.

"That was different I just knew." She said.

"So then what you are saying is that you don't trust my judgment." I looked away from her, "that it would make you feel better if I was there were you could keep a constant eye on me and protect me from only god knows what."

"That is pretty much what I am saying." She replied back to me.

"That's just great mom." I said, "thank you for having faith in my, well you know what that also says to me, that you don't have faith in the job that you did as my mother." Woops probably shouldn't have said that one, but I was really upset that she would say that to me. "I'm a grown up, you can't protect me from everything and I am going to make mistakes I know that, I'm only human but the only way I am going to learn is to make those mistakes myself."

"Fine you want to make a big one, you just stay right here and I'll wait for you to call home, to tell us that you want to come back. The door isn't always going to be open Tess. There comes a point where if you want to be treated like an adult you are going to have to act like one and take full responsibility for what happens." She stood up from the chair that she was sitting in. "If you want to stay here fine, I'm not going to stop you from staying because I can't, you are right you're an adult and can make your own decisions. But when you realize that this wasn't the right thing to do, call your father not me because I won't drop everything to fly out here to come and get you."

"Mom, please, don't go, not like this." I said as I watched her move closer to the door as she said those last words to me.

"No Tess, you made it clear that you don't need me here hovering over you and watching out for you. I trust that I did my job as a mother, more than you know and someday when and if you have children of your own you will understand this more than you do now."

"I don't want you to leave upset like this." I said. "I don't want you to go if you are going to be upset with me."

"Tess I am not upset." She said. Although to me her body language was telling me the exact opposite. "I am respecting what you want, and that is to stay here. I need to get back to Seattle to work and so does your dad. You want to stay here, that's your decision."

"No you're upset and I know it." I said. "I hate it when you are upset with me. I always have and you know it."

"Some things you will just have to learn to deal with Tess." She said as she left the room without giving me a chance to say anything back to her. I knew that the only way that I was going to appease her this time was if I went running back to Seattle with them and that wasn't what I wanted to do. As bad as I felt that the conversation didn't go well, the one person that I felt sorry for, really sorry for was my dad. He was going to have to live with her. Kate could escape to some basketball function but dad, well dad was stuck with her for better or worse. This was going to fall under the for worse part. I reached for the phone thinking that I should give him a heads up as to how bad things went, but then he couldn't have expected that it would go well.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

I ran my hands through my hair after she had left the room. There wasn't anything that I could have said differently that would have changed that outcome. As much as I hated the fact knowing that she was upset with my decision, the fact remained, it had been my decision. Now was not the time to start second guessing myself.

I didn't know if Ryan was going to come by later in the day or not. I really didn't have any idea of what was going to happy now that I had, had that falling out with my mother. Hopefully when things worked out, or she saw that things were working out we could relax again and go back to the way that our relationship had been. Granted it had never been as great as the one that she had with Kate, but Kate was the baby, twins we might have been but Kate for all intense purposes was born second and was the baby.

I hoped that Dad would somehow find the time to come by once more before they left back for Seattle. I didn't know if they would be hoping the first plane back or staying for a day or two. Mom hadn't said and I didn't think now was the best time to pick up the phone and ask her, she'd take that the wrong way too. It felt like she had taken everything that I had said the wrong way, which could have also been fueling the guilt trip that I had now found myself on.

Lunch time came and went and the doctor came in to tell me that I could have my walking papers tomorrow. I would just have to see the PT people once more and then I was free to leave, but knowing that I would be back, probably for months of strength exercises.

The sun was starting to set, and there had been no sign of my family or what was a little more nerve wracking no sign of Ryan. I settled into the bed a little more and started flipping through television channels to see if there was anything remotely interesting on them.

"Sorry I'm late." I heard that familiar voice calling from the doorway. "You weren't thinking that I had forgotten you, now where you?"

"Uh not that I know of." I said flashing him a smile, and then I noticed his clothes. He wasn't dressed as if he was going back to work in the ER.

"What's that look for?"

"Oh nothing I just have a thing for guys in uniforms." I answered. I had told myself that I wasn't going to make a big deal out of what he was doing. That I was his girlfriend that gave me the right to worry and fuss, but not to flat out say no you can't do this, no matter how much I might have objected.

"You don't sound overly convincing with that you know." He said as he moved through the room sitting down on the bed rather than in the chair. Probably the closest that we had been in several days.

Neither one of us feeling like being overly affectionate in the presence of my mother.

"No really." I said still smiling, "you're pretty darn cute in that. I need to tattoo my name on you so that the other women don't go after you."

"You haven't lost your sense of humor." He said, "I would have talked with you about it, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, and hey it's something that I am good at."

Honestly Tess, come on you have to be honest with him. "Honey, yes it would have been nice if you had told me that you were planning on doing this, but if it's what you want to do right now then I am behind you all the way. Besides I am sure that you will make an excellent paramedic."

"Thank you." He said softly, "but you don't have to lie."

I looked at him. "I'm not." I said with sincerity in my voice. "I might worry about you and how long the hours that you will be putting in are going to be. But I am right beside you."

That put a soft smile on his face when I said it, I had meant it and I hoped that he knew it too.

"No really thank you." He put his hand on the side of my face leaning in and giving me a soft spine tingling kiss. The first one that we had shared in what felt like an eternity.

"Hey just promise you won't run into burning building… or if you do, refrain from sharing that part of your day with me okay?" I smiled at him.

"Deal." He said, "so when are you free?"

"Tomorrow." I said, "are you in the ER all day?"

"Nope, medical students don't have to work weekends or holidays." He said, "so when you write your name on those discharge papers I can sweep you out of here. Best part is you don't have to take the EL."

"Can you fly now?" I said giving him a slightly puzzled look.

"No borrowed the car." He said as his head shook side to side and a small chuckle escaped him.

"I see you knew I would be coming home and after being whooped in the butt by the PT queen wouldn't feel like having to hoof it home. How kind and thoughtful you can be." I said laughing a little now, "I knew you were a keeper."

"Have you hooked now do I?" He said as I watched him move to hold onto my hand.

"Just a little." I said.

"How did your conversation with your mom go?"

"Yeah how about if we don't talk about that." I said.

"That good huh?" He replied back, "perhaps she just needs some time to adjust."

"Time isn't going to do it." I said, "she thinks that I am making a big mistake."

"Is that what you think?"

"Oh honey no." I said very quickly. "I know that staying here isn't a mistake. I know that this," I pointed between the two of us now, "this isn't a mistake at all."

"She doesn't like me, does she?"

"I don't think that's it either. Just for everything that I thought I had an answer for she reminded me that there was something else that I hadn't thought through."

"What?" He asked I could tell that he was curious about all of this and well I didn't blame him.

"With you taking on a second job, which I do appreciate don't get me wrong, she's worried that I will be alone to much." I answered.

"Ah well you know I just happen to have an answer to that one, if the solution meets with your approval of course." He said.

"What?" I was curious now.

"You know my sister Gina?"

"Yeah the one that still lives at home with you and your mom, she's at Northwestern isn't she?" I asked.

"Yeah that one." He said, "she's willing to come and stay at the apartment for a few hours a day if you don't mind her working on homework. I thought that you might be able to help her in her advanced chemistry class."

"Tutor in exchange for someone to help."

He nodded. "But only if you are okay with it. I told her that I had to talk to you first."

"Yeah, I don't have a problem with it at all. She seems like a nice girl."

"What else?"

"Oh that was the big one, the rest of them are small tiny crap things that you don't need to worry about." I said.

He just looked at me for a minute. "Every mother's worst fear. That I am going to make you all these grand promises and when things get tough I am going to walk out the door, leaving you high and dry and on your own."

"Pretty much." I said, "I know that you wouldn't do that."

"No I wouldn't and I won't." He said bringing my hand up to softly kiss it. "I'll get you through this and once you are up and about you and I are going out for a night on the town. A date that doesn't involve the couch and popcorn."

"Hey I like those dates. I don't have to dress up." I said laughing, "it's cheap too."

"I want to take you out." He said, "so that means that you have to work extra hard at this PT thing so that I can take you dancing."

"Dancing?"

"Just get better."

"Booger, you don't dance." I said poking him.

"Tess for you, I would do anything."

I didn't know what to say to that. Somehow it didn't surprise me just threw me a little off to hear if from him. My voice got very soft now, "I know you would."

"Now you behave yourself. No more moonlight strolls with Dr. Lockhart." He said leaning in for a quick yet soft kiss on the cheek, "I'm off to work, I will see you in the morning. Sleep well."

"Be safe."

"For you always." He said walking over towards the door. Stopping to turn back, "I love you."

I fought not to blush, "love you too." I said to his retreating form, still unsure of how he could make me so happy and feel so good after such a horrible day, but I knew more than ever now that when I was with him, I was in very good hands and Ryan would be the last person on earth who would ever hurt me. I trusted him more than I had trusted anyone else. He had a heart of gold and it made me feel just that much more special to know that I was the one that had that heart.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36:

The night had been filled with worry even though I tried not to. I didn't think that it was so much what he was doing that worried me as much as the not knowing what he was going to have to deal with. I managed to ease the worry a little when it dawned on me that while he was out in the field basically what he was doing was the same thing that we would have to deal with in the ER. Drunks, those who were mentally off, the only major difference was that in the ER there was security to back you up; in the field it was only your wits.

That morning there had still be no sign of my parents and well that made me a little nervous. I thought that my dad at least would have come by, but I didn't see him. I went off to my last inpatient therapy session with Greta and managed to get things set up. I was about to be set free.

Ryan was standing in the room when I got back. "Hey there handsome." I said as I gimped into the room.

"Good morning beautiful." He said with a smile. "Are you about ready to split?"

"Yeah that I am." I answered. "Could you just grab that bag that I have?"

"Yeah not a problem." He answered.

The nurse appeared. "You ready to go home Doctor Ross."

I smiled at her, "yes I am." She had taken really good care of me and I didn't want to see too enthusiastic to be heading out of there.

"Then shall we?" She said as she moved the wheelchair around.

I just stared at it for a minute, "are you serious I have to ride out of here?"

"If you want to leave yes you do." Ryan said coming up and leaning over my shoulder a little kissing it softly, "ride or stay, the decision is yours."

"Ride." I didn't hesitate on that answer. I wanted out of there and the chance to sleep in my own bed. But to have a little bit of privacy too. I sat down and looked at him for a brief second. "Well what are we waiting for?"

It didn't take us long to get down to the car and headed over to the studio that was now our home. It felt weird knowing that I wouldn't be inviting Ryan over that he would be there every day now coming and going, sleeping, showering, and eating there. The thought however did put a giant smile on my face until the car stopped and I remember that I lived up on the third floor.

"What was I thinking?" I muttered as I started to attempt to get out of the car.

"What is it baby?" I heard Ryan say before he appeared on my side of the car to give me a hand.

"Third floor, what was I thinking." I repeated back again getting up to my feet. "Could I make this any harder?"

"Yeah you could." He said with a soft laugh, "but you know what I think that I am going to get a kick out of this."

I felt his hands go under my legs and the next thing I knew I was up in the air. Held onto tightly by Ryan showing off how strong he really was. My hands tightened around his neck.

"Don't you drop me!" I said with a hint of a giggle to my voice, after all it wasn't everyday that I was swept off my feet.

"I'm a fireman." He said, "I'm not going to drop you woman." He started up the stairs, "besides you are lighter than the 500 pound man we had to haul down six flights of stairs last night when he called in complaining of chest pain."

"I'm glad that I'm lighter than that." I said as we made our way up the stairs where he shifted me so that I was more hanging over his shoulder. "Ah, sea sick, sea sick."

"Hold on I just have to unlock the…" I felt his hand hit my backside. "Stop wiggling or I might drop you… Tess… hold still."

"I'm trying." I said, "but I'm slipping down your back."

"Almost got it." He said and then I heard the door open and he pulled me down off his shoulder setting me on the ground inside the apartment. "Let me help you over to the couch and then I'll run back down and grab all your stuff."

"Thank hon." I said as we moved through the small space over to the couch. He made sure that I was on it and comfortable before heading back down to the car.

I leaned forward and grabbed the remote and snuggled under my favorite blanket that I had been missing since being in the hospital.

"Where do you want me to put this stuff?" I heard a voice call from behind me.

"Oh anywhere, where we aren't going to trip over it." I said as I turned from under the blanket and slowly stand up again. I really wanted to be able to get around some with out help. "That black bag if you give it to me, it needs to go in the wash?" I looked around the apartment, "do you have anything you need washed? Hand me that would you?" I motioned for one of the crutches so that I could move from where I was.

"Yeah and no." He said as he handed it to me and I started to move around towards where the washer was hidden inside on of the closets.

I raised my eyes as I looked over at him, "okay so that means either you got your mom or sister to do your laundry or oh man I have a man who can use the washing machine."

"The later thank you." He said coming up behind me. "So you know I could do this for you."

"No necessary." I said as I balanced myself carefully so that I could pull the clothes from the bag and get them into the washer. "At least let me feel somewhat useful would you."

"Yeah." He said, "what do you want to have for dinner?"

"I don't care." I said pausing for just a moment, "no wait I change my mind, I am craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and chips."

He looked at me kind of funny for a second, "that's seriously what you want."

"Yeah I love them and well they weren't a choice in the hospital." I got the laundry going and moved, "can't I want something simple."

"That you can." He said.

"What time to you have to be down to the stationhouse?" I asked.

"Not until seven tonight." He said. "Will you be okay overnight or do you want me to get Gina to come over and stay for awhile."

"I should be okay." I said, "I'll just shower and stuff before you leave and then get a book and settle into bed. I think that I'll be fine, so don't you worry."

"I won't if you don't."

"Deal darling." I said as I moved back towards the couch again. I didn't realize how nice it would be to be able to be back at home.

The only thing that would have made any of this any better would have been if I would have been back at work. That would have kept me busy and given me something to do, right now as it was I knew that I should be focusing on getting better throwing all of my energy into that. I just needed to get back on my feet, make amends with my mother and then my world would be back in harmony.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37:

Six months had passed now and I was back up on my feet for the most part. I still had a very noticeable limp on the left side but I could get around much better. I could live with a limp.

Ryan was loving his second job and I just hoped that he wasn't thinking about giving up medicine and doing that full time, I mean he was good at what he did out there, but he was good in the ER as well. All I knew was that I would support him in either endeavor he decided to do.

I hadn't spoken to my mother. She hadn't called and well I didn't think that it was a good thing to call her either. I had, on the other hand, spoken with my Dad several times. He was almost constantly checking up on me to make sure that I was okay. Not that I wasn't doing well.

It was the first year that I had been away from my parent's at the holidays and with my schedule there was no way that I was going to be able to fly home now that I had gotten into the swing of things. Ryan filled the void by inviting me along to do things with his family after that the rest of the year just seemed to fly by and soon I was wrapping up my internship. I only had until July and then I would be a resident. Ryan would be graduating from medical school tomorrow. It just amazed me at how fast June had gotten there and just how proud I was of him.

We were sitting on the couch after I had finished at the hospital enjoying one of the rare nights that we had together.

"Made any decisions as to what you are going to do?" I asked looking over at him after turning down the TV.

"About what?"

"You graduate tomorrow." I said poking him gently.

"Pray I match at County." He said smiling over at me.

"And if you don't." I said with a hint of seriousness in my voice.

"How about we cross that bridge when we get there." He said. "I'm sure since I put County at the top of the list they'll keep me. Have you heard the buzz saying anything different?"

"Na I haven't." I said. "Not like they would say anything in front of me. Carter and Abby have been pretty tight lipped about the whole deal."

"We shall find out soon enough as to what is going to happen. I for one am not going to worry about it and shouldn't either. Cause I have no plans on leaving Chicago. Not with the good thing I have going. Besides if I get the internship, I'll be working under one of the sexiest doctors I know."

I laughed, "oh no you won't be." I said rather matter of fact like. "If you get the internship at County you will be working under some other resident." I kissed his cheek now playfully. "I will not be your boss. It's not good for this good thing if you know what I mean."

He put out his lip pretending to pout. "Oh I always wanted to sleep with the boss, guess you are not going to make that….."

"Oh no don't you go telling me that." I said getting up off the couch. "So when are you taking me dancing. I've done my part."

"That you have." He said. "Don't know for sure. I was thinking we could go out Saturday night."

"My dad's going to be in town." I said. "He's got that conference and I think I was supposed to have dinner with him."

"Well maybe he could join us or something. I can always take you out after dinner." He said, "you and I could always go out Friday night too."

"Yeah that would work." I said looking over at him, he had this look on his face that was puzzling me and I couldn't figure it out.

"Good, pencil me in then." He said with a smirk coming over and taking me hand into his. "Now come on let's go to bed. It's getting late and I have a busy day tomorrow."

"Suppose you think you need some kind of reward or something." I said as we headed hand and hand upstairs.

"Yes I think I do."

I let go of his hand and headed over towards the closet getting what I had gone over there before sitting down on the bed next to him. "This is for you." I said. "I should give it to you in the morning, but I know your family has a lot planned for you."

"That you know you are now expected to be there for."

"Yes I will be there for it. Come on after all this time seeing how hard you've worked I wouldn't dream of being any place else. Now come on open it up." I said nudging him with my shoulder.

"Okay." He said, "You don't do well with giving other people getting gift or giving gifts do you."

"No I don't." I said as I watched him getting into the box.

"Oh wow honey." He said as he pulled the white coat from the box. "A new lab coat." I watched as he moved it so that he could see the name that I had put on it. "This is so sweet, thank you very much Tess."

"After tomorrow I will be able to call you Dr. McDermott." I said with a smile, "it's rather fitting. You've earned it."

"Hmm, get over here." He said as the box fell to the floor and he pulled me closer. There was something about knowing that I'd be in his arms for the rest of the night that made going to bed that much better.

The next day was a whirlwind, people everywhere and after Ryan's graduation I was swamped with his family. Some of them I had met before some of them I didn't know. So while there was an element of familiarity there was also a bit of uneasiness cause a few people were giving me odd looks like I didn't belong there.

"Holding up okay?" I heard a voice say and turned around to come face to face with Mrs. McDermott.

"Yes ma'am I am fine." I said smiling softly at her.

"You should probably sit down Tess." She said giving me that motherly look, "you've been up on your feet a long time now, don't want you to get worn out."

"I'm fine ma'am." I answered with my most polite voice, "thank you though, and thank you for inviting me to be here for Ryan's graduation. I'm sure he's thrilled to be here with all his family."

"And you are a part of that family dear." She said patting my hand. "Come over here let's get you something to eat, a place to sit and I'll make that boy of mine join you to eat."

"All right," there was no arguing with her. Soon I had a plate of food in front of me and she was off looking for Ryan ushering him over to the spot next to me and the plate of food she had filled for him.

"Ah I see she got a hold of you too." Ryan said with a soft laugh once his mom was out of earshot.

I smiled at him, "that she did. She's sweet though and I think she likes me, or perhaps that just me and wishful thinking." I could see her shooting smiles over at us now from across the room to make sure that we were eating.

"Oh no," he said. "She does like you." He waved over her direction as he started to eat. "She does trust me. My mother wouldn't hide it if she didn't like you. She gave Aunt Josephine and earful for saying that you shouldn't be here. Mom put her in her place pretty face saying that you had more right to be here than that old bird did."

"That's good to know." I said.

"So you don't have to be nervous Tess." He said.

"I know and I am trying hard not to be." I said smiling over at him, "how much longer to we have to stay at this shin dig of yours?"

"Are you getting tired baby?"

"Oh no, no," I said shaking my head, "I'm fine, don't you worry about me none."

He smiled a little more at me. "We'll leave after you eat what's on that plate." He said, "besides people are starting to filter out anyway. I'm sure that mom won't mind if I step out early to take you home."

"Only if you are sure, I don't want you to leave to early. After all you do only graduate from medical school once in your lifetime." I told him.

"Yeah well I want to see if my match letter is at County yet." He said.

"How long ago did you take your boards?"

"It should have been there yesterday." He said, "it probably just got filed in the wrong spot or something."

"We can go by and see if it's there." I said

We both finished eating and Ryan then makes the rounds saying good bye to all his family that remained there. I waited patiently a few feet away as he spent a couple of extra minutes with his mom. You could see how proud she was of him before she hugged him and sent him over my way. She waved to me and I waved back.

"Let's go see." He said.

"Are you sure you want to?" I asked, "I mean it means that you might have to make that decision that I know you don't want to have to make. The one that you have been avoiding talking about."

"The reason that I haven't talked about it, is because there's nothing to talk about. Oh ye of little faith in me, matching at County." He ginned. "The letter came last week; I am a resident at County."

"Oh I guess then that congratulations are in order there Dr. McDermott." I said smiling, "but you are a brat."

"That I might be Dr. Ross, but nonetheless I am in the next group of interns that will be working at County."

"I am happier to hear that than you know." I said, "Because well if you had matched someplace else I would be giving up my residency and we'd be moving."

"That you don't have to do." He said. "Now let's get you home, I have some things that I need to take care of so don't wait up for me okay?"

"Okay," I said as we headed for the EL to head home. "Are you not going to be riding home with me?"

"Nope I'll be late tonight but don't you worry any okay?"

"Sure." I said, "I guess then I'll see you later. You have your keys?"

"I do." He leaned over and kissed me, he was taking a train in the opposite direction that I was going. "I love you Tess." He said as I watched him darting up the stairs.

"I love you too." I said to his retreating body. I wasn't sure what he was up to or where he was going but I'm sure that it was something important and that it needed to be done.


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38:

Ryan was nervous. He had been busy getting things ready. Reservations for Friday night, a special restaurant, one that he knew Tess really liked. They could have a nice quiet dinner. But nothing was making his stomach settle, he felt bad that he didn't tell Tess where he was going but he needed to do this. And he wanted Friday night to be special if she knew he was doing this then there would be no surprise to it.

It was now 7 pm and he was standing outside the restaurant that he had picked. There wasn't a large crowd here and he knew that he could talk over the other people that would be there. He saw the person he had been waiting for approaching knowing that he was probably unsure of why Ryan had asked him here.

"Dr. Ross, thank you for joining me tonight." Ryan said as he extended his hand towards the older doctor.

"My pleasure." Doug said with a smile back at the young man. He wasn't sure just why he was here.

"They have a table waiting for us." Ryan said, he just wanted the night to go smoothly.

They turned and walked inside. Ryan trying to keep from breaking down due to nerves how hard could this really be? They got inside, sat at the table, and both of them had ordered drinks before another word was said.

"Tess said that you graduated with honors today."

"Yes sir I did." Ryan said trying to keep things casual.

"Congratulations then, Doctor." Doug gave him a smile when he said that.

"Thank you sir."

They ordered dinner and Ryan wasn't sure when the right time was to do this. He had never done it before, but now seemed like as good of time as any. Better do it before he lost his nerved completely. He took in a deep breath.

"I'm sure you are wondering why I asked you to join me for dinner tonight and not to tell Tess that we were meeting." Ryan said.

"You could say that I am." Doug answered.

"Sir," Ryan said trying to come off as confident and sure. "I asked you here tonight so that I could ask you if you would allow me the honor and the privilege of your daughter's hand in marriage. If Tess will have me of course sir."

Doug had to smile at how nervous the young man was and he almost felt a twinge of guilt not answering him right away. He never thought that one of Tess's boyfriends would be sitting there asking him that question. He just assumed that they would say they were doing it and that would be that.

Ryan on the other hand was sitting across the table about to sweet bullets because Doug had yet to say anything and time seemed to be going so slow. What if he said no? Tess said that he had liked him and he really did want to make a good impression on the older man.

"It's good that you asked, shows that you show respect for her family." Doug said, "that being said, god go with you son." He had to laugh, "if Tess will have you welcome to the family."

It felt like a giant weight had been lifted on Ryan's shoulders when he heard Doug say that, "thank you Dr. Ross." He said, "I'll take good care of your daughter and I won't let her down."

"Any plans on how you are going to ask her, or when I might be getting that late night phone call from her?" Doug asked.

"Tomorrow night sir." Ryan said, "I promised her to take her dancing when she was well again, so I'm making good on that promise." He smiled a little more now. "Hopefully I will be able to surprise her with this."

"I'm sure that you will Ryan." Doug said, "I'm sure that Tess will be happy, that you both will be happy."

"Thank you sir." Ryan said.

"Ryan." Doug said.

"Yes sir." Ryan answered.

"You can stop calling me Sir, you don't have to call me Dr. Ross, you can call me Doug."

"Yes sir," Ryan said tripping up for a minute, "I mean Doug."

Doug just shook his head; Tess had a good man with honorable intentions. He just hoped that the two of them knew what they were doing getting wrapped up in all of this, and yet he couldn't help but wonder what Carol was going to think about this now. He knew that she and Tess hadn't talked in a long time and there was a lot of tension between his wife and his daughter. Neither one of them wanting to bend in and admit that the other had perhaps been right, but from what he could see Tess was flourishing and doing well, very well in Chicago.

The two men ate and then parted ways. Ryan returning back to the apartment to a sleeping Tess. It was a good thing that she was too cause he was even more nervous now that he had talked to her dad and gotten the go ahead to do it. He had picked out a ring and everything all he had to do was wait until tomorrow night and make it a very special evening for her, a night that she would remember for the rest of her life and a story that she could tell her grandchildren.

He curled up next to her in the bed and soon found himself sound asleep not opening his eyes again until he felt her moving around. He had enlisted her dad's help in getting her to go out and buy a dress that would fit where they were going tonight. She was going to spend the morning shopping with Elizabeth who was somewhat in on what was going on. She knew that she was supposed to take Tess out and shopping get her to buy a very nice dress take her to the hair salon, make her feel like a million buck for this evening.

He heard the shower start up and slowly got out of the bed pulling on some clothes and leaving Tess a note by the door on his way out. He wanted to see her but he still had several things that he needed to do to make this night work.

_Tess…_

_Hope that you have a good day today with Elizabeth. I will see you later tonight I promise; I'm never one to break a date especially to such a pretty lady such as yourself. Just know that I'll be thinking about you all day today and looking forward to spending the evening with you. Sorry that I left but I overslept and was running late._

_Love you baby,_

_Ryan._

He hoped that she wouldn't be too upset over his rather abrupt departure but knew with certainty that tonight would be the night he could make up for it.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39:

I showered the hot water feeling pretty good as I started to wake up more now. The smell of coffee from the automatic brewer coming through into the bathroom. My lifeblood was about ready to drink. Elizabeth would be here to pick me up in about a half hour so I had plenty of time.

I stayed in there another ten minutes before climbing out and with a towel around my waist and one around my hair I limped for the kitchen to get my coffee. How odd it was that my mornings had become dependant upon something like having a cup or twelve of coffee.

I slowly and with extra caution headed for the bedroom area to get my clothes. My balance wasn't an issue anymore as I was learning how to compensate for not having full use of my left leg, but the stairs up to the little sleeping area did still tend to send me sprawling if I wasn't paying attention.

I pulled on a t-shirt and pair of blue jeans before heading back down towards the kitchen. This place was not overly spacious but for the two of us it worked out rather nicely. Ryan had been really great about making sure that he picked up. Especially after my crash and burn shortly after midnight over his gym bag.

I had just turned everything off when there was a knock at the door. "Coming." I called out as I started to make my way over there pulling the door open, "hi Aunt Lizzie." I said, "come in I'm about ready for us to take off."

"No hurry Tessie." She said smiling as she came in. "We're not on any kind of schedule."

"That's good." I said, "so this shopping excursion today what is it you said you needed to get?"

"Nothing special." There was still a smile on her face and it was like there was something that she wasn't telling me.

"Okay." I replied as I sat down to put my shoes on. Dad had gotten me a pair that just slipped on, afraid that I would break my neck if I had to worry about laces right now.

"More of an Aunt/niece bonding day." She said. "Besides I haven't been able to see you that much lately and I miss spending time with you."

"I won't complain." I said looking up at her, "that is if you don't mind having to go a little slower cause I don't think I can keep up with you if you go into that power shopping mode of yours."

"Not to worry." She said as we left the apartment and with her help got down the stairs.

We took off and spent the morning in various stories looking at different things. This and that not really having a focus on anything in particular.

"So you and Ryan are going out tonight." She said rather casually.

"Yeah he's got that promise of his to keep." I smiled back at her as I flipped through the rack. "Dinner, dancing, can't say we do that very often."

"No I'm sure the two of you don't." She said, "let's get you something really nice to wear." She replied, "something that will knock his socks off and leave him mind boggled for the next three weeks."

"Oh I don't know." I said. "I really don't need anything I have a closet full of clothes." Truth be told I had been being very careful with money. Even though Ryan had been working full time in his second job. I didn't want him to think that he had to keep it.

"Of course you do," she said, "now don't be silly." She gave me that look that only she could give that she had to have learned from my father and added her own twist too. "You're not leaving here until we have you something for tonight." The tone in her voice let me know that she was drop dead serious about that too.

"Yes ma'am." I said giving her that you win smile, "never will try to argue with you Aunt Lizzie."

"Smart girl cause you'll lose every time."

She started to pick through and found what she thought would be suitable for this evening. I went back and tried a few of them on. I came out in a longer chestnut colored dress that almost matched the color of my long untamable curls. It sat low on my shoulders and had a very low cut back. The material was fairly loose and it felt like it was floating when I walked out to show it to her.

Her eyes got wide, "that's the one." She said giving me that smile of hers. "You're beautiful in that Tess."

"You think so?" I asked raising my eyes a little, but this was the 15th dress that I had tried on so I was almost relieved that I found something that she liked.

"Oh definitely." She said as she came closer to me and started messing with my hair.

"Oh stop it." I said as I playfully batted away her hand, "got to get you a Barbie doll or something, either that or talk to Ella you should be dolling her up not me."

"You'll live." She said to me, "go get changed back, we're moving on."

I did as I was told and when I came back out she took the dress from me and smiled, "your father told me to get you something nice." She told me.

"He did?"

"Yes," she answered, "don't look surprised, could you see your father shopping with you?"

"Not really." I answered. "Where else do we need to go, you said we are moving on."

"That we are." She said as we did indeed head off.

She pulled me off and along, where we proceeded to have lunch and make small talk before I found myself sitting in a chair in a hair saloon having my hair washed and then attempt to be tamed. I just sat there wishing that poor girl luck as taming that mop usually required a whole lot of pony tail holders.

The entire trip took up the majority of the day and it was nearly 6 before she had gotten me back to my apartment. But I was rather surprised when she offered to stick around and help me get ready for my, what she kept calling date.

At five minutes to seven she had me all dressed up and even I had to admit that I looked rather good.

"Look at you." She said with a soft sigh, "all grown up and you are beautiful."

"Aunt Lizzie," I said, "you are worse than my mother."

"Nonsense." She quickly replied as we both turned hearing a knock on the door.

"Who could that be?" I said.

"Let me get it." Aunt Lizzie said as she got up from sitting next to me.

She disappeared over towards the door and opened it up. I could see her talking to someone but that someone was just out of my line of sight.

"Come on down honey." She called back to me.

I walked over towards the door. There stood Ryan, dressed in a tux, standing at the door waiting for me. "You are stunning tonight." He said when he saw me, before pulling his hand out in front, "these are for you, although they don't compare to the beauty here with me tonight."

"They are beautiful, thank you." I said smiling softly at him, "you look very dashing tonight too." I turned towards Aunt Lizzie for a second, "could you put these in water for me?"

"Of course dear," She said as she took the flowers from me, "have fun you too, I'll lock up for you Tessie."

"Thank you Aunt Lizzie." I said.

"Shall we my dear." Ryan said as he extended his arm for me to take.

"Lead the way." I answered as my hand rested now on his arm and we slowly headed down the stairs.

"You really do look wonderful tonight Tess." Ryan said, "I'm glad you agreed to our date."

We reached the bottom floor of the stairs and when we neared the parking lot there was a white stretch limo parked in front of the building, someone here was obviously going out for a night on the town. I assumed that Ryan had borrowed his mom's car. My heart about leapt out of my chest when he lead me over to it and the chauffer opened the door.

"We… we… we are going in a limo?" I stuttered.

Ryan just smiled and nodded as he waited for me to slide inside before following me in. "I would only do this for you." He said as the car started to move.

My eyes looked around and then at him, "this is more than I expected." I smiled at him when my eyes caught his. "If I died right now I have had the time of my life."

"No doing that." He said rather quickly and wide eyed.

"I don't plan on it." I said not having meant that seriously.

He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek before taking my hand into his and whispering, "good cause I haven't gotten my dance yet."

"You will." I said smiling, right now I felt like a princess in one of the stories my dad used to tell. Tonight was going to be a very special and wonderful night, this was more than I could have ever expected.


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40:

The limo ride was just amazing as we sat in the back having someone else drive us, sipping chilled champagne from crystal glasses. I took in the lights of the city and of course the view of the man sitting next to me. I was in awe and definitely there was a hint of excitement in the air.

A half hour of driving later we pulled up in front of a charming little restaurant. I hadn't been here before, or at least I didn't recognize the place, but once in side it took my breath away. There was a giant fire place in one corner that was radiating a soft glow through out and there was also this magnificent hard wood dance floor; you could have fit 50 people on it with ease. We were seated at a small table for two and the candle light just made everything seem as if this was an evening made for just the two of us.

Ryan ordered a bottle of wine from the waiter when he came to the table as my eyes went between the menu and Ryan. Every now and then we would catch the other's eye and an almost bashful smile would cross our faces.

Ryan had the mango chicken, and after much debate I decided on Portobello angel hair pasta. After we had ordered Ryan took my hand holding onto it.

"So, how's work?"

I smiled softly, "you brought me here to talk about work?" I said, "it's fine."

"No I know we haven't had much time to talk lately. I thought that now was as good of time as any for us too." He said. "I know the job at the fire station doesn't leave us much time."

"Don't worry so much about it." I said, "you love that job and you are good at it." I smiled at him, "it's good to have something that you love as much as you do."

He looked at me with very soft eyes, "I know, but I don't want you to get the impression that I don't want to spend time with you."

I put a more serious look on my face, "honey, I don't think that you don't want to spend time with me." I said, "I don't think that at all, in fact I know you did it because of me, and here I thought that chivalry was long gone."

"It's just in hiding." He said as his fingers ran across the top of my head. "I'd do anything for someone I loved."

I could feel the blush growing in my cheeks, "I know it's part of what I love about you."

"You're even more amazing in the candle light." He said, the flame from the candle reflected in his eyes giving them the appearance that they were dancing.

"Thank you." I said softly back, feeling the heat grow even more in my cheeks.

Time felt almost as if it was standing still, just the two of us there enjoying some well deserved quiet alone time. That was until dinner arrived. We ate sharing smiles between each other and the occasional bite off the other persons plate.

After we had finished and the plates had been cleared, the band was playing a soft waltz in the background. I watched Ryan push his chair back and stand up. He held out his hand smiling at me.

"May I have the honor of this dance?"

I blushed again, no one had ever asked me that before. "Yes." I said as I stood up and took his hand.

He put his arm around my waist and led us out onto the dancing floor as we started to dance to the music that was playing.

"I didn't know you knew how to dance like this." I said softly as we moved around the dance floor.

"I like to have a few surprises up my sleeve." He said as he moved us with a grace that I didn't know he possessed. "And I promised you a dance when you were better."

"I'll have to make sure that I hold you to your promises." I said softly.

"That you will." He said as we continued on.

I was having a wonderful time dancing with someone other than my dad, who didn't step on my toes every three steps and in Ryan's arm you would have never known I had ever been sick. He had moved us out now so that we were more in the center of the dance floor and I noticed that the lights had started to dim and there were no other couples out there. You could feel that the song was about ready to come to an end, although I really didn't want it to, perhaps he would give me another dance after this before my dream night ended.

The band ended the song and I felt Ryan pull back from me. The room felt much darker except for where the two of us were standing. He looked at me and then too my hand into his. For there and then he dropped to one knee right in front of me holding onto my hand looking up at me. I could feel the hand that he was holding start to shake.

"Tess," He said, you could tell he was nervous from the unmistakable quiver that was there. "I brought you here tonight because I have come to love you more than any man should love a woman. You are my best friend and my greatest love. You have brought happiness and joy into my world. You have made me a better man in knowing you and opened my eyes to things that I never dreamed I would see. I can not picture my life with out you here beside me and I would never want to." You could see the mist that was starting to cover his eyes as he spoke. "This year with you has been the most amazing year, and I want to have many, many more of them. So tonight I'm asking you, Tess Ann Ross, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife."

The hand that he wasn't holding flew up to my mouth when the light reflected off the ring that he was holding in his hand about to slip on the hand he was holding and it took a second for all of it to sink in. That man I just asked me to marry him and here I was standing with my mouth wide open and tears streaming down my face. At first all I could do was nod. And then I managed to find my voice, knowing that if I didn't say something quick the poor man might have a panic attack.

"Yes," I said, as I let out a soft nervous laugh from behind those tears. "Yes, I will marry you."

He slipped the ring onto my finger before standing up and pulling me close to him. He put his hands on each side of my face looking into my eyes, "those had better be tears of joy."

I nodded and put my hands onto his. "They are." I said, "very happy… shocked… surprised tears."

He pulled me into him and gave me one of those you aren't going to forget this any time soon kisses as the room filled with the sound of people clapping. The band started up again and Ryan with out missing a beat hand his hands around me and we spent the next several hours dancing and being congratulated by people we didn't even know.

It was late when we finally left the restaurant and we were back in the limo for the trip home.

"I hope you had a wonderful night."

"Memorable." I said softly now as my head resting against his should, "I will remember this one forever."

"That's what I was hoping." He said as he kissed the top of my head.

"It was and so much more." I answered as I snuggled into him a little more.

He reached down and pushed one of the curls that had escaped away from my face smiling down at me now, "you know you have made me the happiest man in Chicago tonight."

"I think that goes for both of us." I answered, "I wish it didn't have to end."

"I know." He said holding onto me as the limo reached the apartment. And we moved to get out. We started up the stairs, "but I have the rest of my life to make you feel as special as you do tonight."

I smiled at him as we reached the door, "you don't have to try." I said as we crossed inside. "you do just by being you."

"Aw." He said as I noticed the blush in his cheeks now as he reached up and locked the door before following me up to where the bed was. I was tired and the limp was getting pretty bad. "Here let me help you."

I didn't have time to even protest before I was up in his arms and the next thing I knew the bed was underneath me and Ryan had walked over bringing back my favorite pajamas.

I started to change as I looked over to see him doing the same thing, "so tell me, when we get married is all this going to end?"

"Nope." He simply replied tossing me a look, "get used to it darling cause this is the way that I am now and well until I get to old to pick you up with out fear of something breaking in either one of us, this is how it's going to be."

I snuggled under the covers and patted the spot next to me. When he had gotten into bed I moved over and nudged my way to where I was close as I humanly could be. "I'm never going to complain." I said. "So with this well thought out plan that you laid tonight did you have a date in mind?"

"I thought that you and I could figure that out ourselves." He answered. "Are you too wound up too sleep or do you just feel like talking?"

"Both." I answered.

"Well it's June now." He said holding onto me a little tighter. "So if you want a summer wedding we'll have to wait until next year. Or would you like to get married say in the spring? Valentine's Day just isn't right and well it's too cliché for even me. What does your calendar look like for say March?"

"I don't think March would be bad." I said. "It would be nice as long as we don't do it on like Saint Patrick's Day."

"Good thinking." He replied. "How about the 10th."

"I can't see any reason why not." I said. "We can plan a wedding in 9 months can't we?"

I felt him cringe a little, "how big you thinking here?"

"You're the one with the million relatives." I said, "not big something small and intimate with just our close family and friends."

"I think that would be nice."

"Glad you agree." I said letting a yawn escape from my lips.

He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss, "had to kiss my fiancée goodnight."

"You were just dying to use that word." I said laughing at the giant smile that was on his face, "but you know I kind of like the thought of being able to introduce you as my fiancé, the talented Dr. Ryan McDermott." I rolled over onto my back and brought my hand up, "the ring is beautiful, you have wonderful taste." I rolled back towards him again. "I had just gotten use to hearing Dr. Tess Ross but you know Dr. Tess McDermott sounds perfect."

"Baby you don't have to change your name." He said reaching down and grabbing me so that I was back in my snuggle spot. "I'll be happy just being your husband."

"I know you would." I answered, "I want to, just feels like the right thing to do."

"Only you would say that." He said, "now you close those pretty eyes that are well about to close any way get some sleep and we can ride the EL in to the ER tomorrow."

I nodded and he was right my eyes went drifting shut, happier than I had been in a long time, tonight was one of those nights that you only dream about and it for me it had been a dream come true.


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41:

I stretched in the bed when I heard the alarm clock blaring at me to get my butt up out of the bed. I laid there for a minutes, the memory of last night still vividly fresh. I looked down at my hand and yes, it was still there. It hadn't been a dream it was real. Ryan and I were getting married. I couldn't help it but I let out a burst of giggles.

"It's too early to be so happy."

I looked over to see Ryan burying himself under the covers even more, and I had to laugh again. "Never too early to be happy baby." I said.

"Stop laughing Tess." He mumbled, "I don't want to get up."

"Now love." I said poking his side gently as I smelled the coffee brewing in the kitchen. I'd be able to grab a cup on my way out to have on the train.

"Stop it." He said batting at my hand. "Come on, give me just ten more minutes."

I pulled away and started to get out of the bed. "Yeah sure." I answered. "You have until I get out of the shower." I moved now headed towards the bathroom, "and if you're not up I'm climbing onto your side of the bed dripping wet." I called as I started the water so that by the time I was ready to get in it would be warm. "And I'll use up all the hot water if you don't get in here!"

That threat usually worked as Ryan hated, hated with a passion lukewarm showers. I climbed in and within five minutes heard a man banging around in the bathroom.

"You know I am never going to get used to how much crap a woman needs in here."

"Sure you will." I answered back as I started to wash my hair. "Dad did and my mother has about twice as much crap as I do."

"Woman you can't possibly get more crap in here." He said as I heard something falling out of the medicine cabinet.

"Yeah I actually I could and I have so stop complaining." I called out as I started to rinse my hair, "it's not that much, really."

"Why is it then that every time I open up the medicine cabinet I get attack by something jumping off the shelf?"

"Because you lack talent in opening it." I said with a laugh before I started to finish up.

"I'm sure your right there." He said, "hurry up in there, you're wasting all the hot water… the real hot water."

"I am." I said, "you want the hot, the really hot water as you put it, get out of bed before me."

"Yeah, yeah." I heard him grumble as I quickly finished up.

"There are you happy?" I asked when I climbed out not more than 2 minutes after his grumbling occurred.

"Dinner with your parents at 6?" He asked as he climbed in and I started to get ready for work.

"I think so; I thought you had to work tonight." I said as I headed for the kitchen coming back with my coffee cup filled up. "It's just dinner with my dad." I said as I came back into the bathroom.

Ryan knew my habits well enough that he had waited until he heard my voice again to say anything. "I'm at the hospital until five and then I don't have to be to the station tonight until 8." He told me from behind the glass door.

"That doesn't give you much time." I said, "maybe you should forget it and just come home and change, you'd have better luck actually getting something to eat."

"No, I want to be there." He said as I heard the water turn off. My hand shot out holding a towel for him when he emerged. "Thanks honey." He said, "I want to be there when you tell them."

"It will just be dad." I repeated. "When I spoke to him last he said that mom wasn't coming with him this trip."

"I think there was a change of plans." He grinned now. "When I saw him he said that your mom had come along too."

"They would have told me." I said. "And when did you see my dad after I talked to him?" Ryan's eyes got a little wider now as he headed to grab his clothes and get dressed in avoidance of answering my question. "Oh no, you can not just walk off." I said chasing after him.

I heard him sigh, "I saw your dad Thursday night after graduation." He finally said. "When I took him to dinner."

"Why would you take my dad to dinner and leave me at home?" I asked.

"Because I needed to talk to you dad and if you had been sitting there with me I wouldn't have been able to." He said.

"Talk to him about what?"

Ryan rolled his eyes and pointed at my hand. "Are you that dense Tess?"

"You asked my dad if you could marry me." I said wrinkling up my face.

He just shook his head, "of course I did what you think I am a Neanderthal?"

"I don't think that." I said giving him that look.

"Because I am not and it wouldn't have been right if I hadn't." He said. "I couldn't have done that with out knowing that your dad approved and that well that we had his blessing."

"And did he?" I said standing just a few feet away from him.

"Did he?" I felt his arm wrap around me and pull me down onto the bed so that I was lying on top of him looking down. "Yes he did."

I smiled at him now playfully, "and if he had said no what would you have done?"

He pushed me off to the side now. "I would have respected his wishes and not asked you."

"Thank god he likes you." I said rolling away now. "Come on we have to go or we are going to be late. And I don't want anything to rain on today I am much to happy to have any cranky people around me."

"You work in an ER." He pointed out, "it's filled with sick, tired, upset, cranky people Tess."

"Yeah but I can fix that and make them sick happy people." I said as I headed not to get my stuff so that we could go.

"What are you glass half full girl today?"

"Yes I am." I said standing a little straighter putting a smug little look on my face, "does that bother you?"

"This early in the morning with out any coffee in me yet." He said heading for the kitchen, "of course it does." I waited as he got one of the travel mugs we had and filled it up so that we could go. "Crutches Tess, you are not slipping out of this house with out them."

"Okay that just ruined my day." I said, "I didn't need them last night why are you so insistent now?"

"Last night you had me to hold you up." He said smiling as he handed them too me and took the cup of coffee I had from me. "I am not going to hold you up all day. That and you know if Greta catches you with out them she'll turn your therapy session into a nightmare workout."

"She already will when she gets word that I went out dancing, and didn't have them with me." I said, "and don't tell me she won't find out either cause she always does." We headed out the door way and started down towards the street for the EL. "You know the stairs are easier with out these damn things."

"Yeah I know just don't fall down them okay." He said as he took them from me just long enough for me to get down the stairs. I had better luck using the hand rails to get down than those clunky things. If I had to keep them much longer I was going to scream.

"You know I am not walking down the isle with those."

"Yes Tess. All the more incentive for you to get to the point where you don't need them."

"Oh that's cruel you know that." I said.

"Hey I could have told you I wanted to get married next week. That would have been cruel." He answered handing them back.

"Careful there mister or someone will be treating you today removing one of these." There was a smile on my face as we bantered back and forth with each other heading for the train.

"You wouldn't dare." He smirked back at me.

"No I wouldn't." I said as I started to make the awkward trip up to the train platform. "Too much work and with my luck they'd make me take care of you."

"You make me feel so loved." He said as we started to negotiate our way on to the train and took the first available seats where he handed me over my coffee cup so that I could have it again now that we were seated and I had both my hands.

"You know you are." I said as I leaned over and kissed his cheek, "you are very much loved."

"So how do you think your mom is going to take the news? I mean I know what your dad thinks already and I'm sure he's curious to know if you said yes or not."

"I'm sure he is; wonder if he got much sleep last night?" I replied back. "I honestly don't know how Mom will take it honestly. I haven't talked to her in awhile."

"You two really need to fix that." He said, "family is important."

"I know." I said with a sigh thinking about it, "really I don't like things the way that they are but I don't know how to fix it right now I was hoping it would blow over and resolve itself. Is that why you asked my Dad?"

"Yes." He said, "that and knowing that he approved was important to me. I know how close you and your Dad are and I really admire that. I would never do anything that would put any strain on that."

"He and I have the same kind of relationship that you and your mom have honey." I said, "I know it's not the same, but in a way it is."

"It is and it isn't." He said.

"Growing up without your dad had to have been hard." I said softly knowing it was a fairly touchy subject and I didn't want anything bad to come out of our train ride.

"It was." He answered solemnly, "but you know what, I have you now, and maybe someday you and I will have a small family and I can have that kind of relationship with my children that you have with your dad and I have with my mom."

"Kids." I said taken a little back by that. Honestly the thought of having them myself had never even crossed my mind, more worried about how to prevent them from happening had been my first priority.

"You don't want kids." He said softly almost sounding very sad about that.

"Oh no, I didn't say that." I said reaching over and putting my hand on his leg. "I just never thought about it you know. Always worried about it happening at the wrong time I never gave the right time much thought or that there ever would be a right time." I looked over at him, "I never thought that I would meet someone like you I guess and yes someday we can have that family and you can be someone's dad." I hoped that had made him feel better. I didn't commit to having children soon, but didn't flat out tell him that I didn't want them.

"We can talk about that later." He said. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

"You didn't." I answered without the slightest hesitation. "Caught me off guard maybe but you didn't make me uncomfortable. Finding you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Okay next to being born and getting into medical school several years early." I smiled at him. "But I am happy with you and you're right we can talk about this later, and we will probably talk about it several time. We have a lifetime together, you and me. Everything will be as it's supposed to be."

"That's my girl." He said as he stood the train coming to a stop just outside County. "Come on." He took my coffee from me as we started to head off and to work, "got to get my gimpy fiancée to work and…"

"You did so not just call me…. Okay since you added fiancée I will let you off the hook." I said as we headed down the stairs and started along the street, "but just for that you are buying me lunch."

"Yes ma'am." He said as we headed inside now, "that is if we get lunch."

The place was packed and it was already stacking up to be a very busy and very long day. Hopefully we both survived. I was more worried about dinner than I was the overflow of patients that had made their way into the ER.


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42:

The day was going by fairly fast, I think that was due to the high volume of patients that we were having today. I was about to become an R2, which meant that I would have interns rather than medical students that I was responsible for. Some days it felt like this system was the semi-blind trying to lead the blind.

The clock finally moved around and I went and punched in. Not the best of days, but I had definitely had worse ones. I grabbed my things and headed out. I hoped that Ryan wouldn't be too far behind me but I knew that he had another couple of hours left on his shift.

"Hey baby, wait up."

I turned around to see Ryan come running out of the ER trying to catch up with me. "Hey, what are you doing?" I asked. "Thought that you had another couple of hours left."

"Dr. Lockhart let me go early." He said.

"Okay I won't argue with that, even though I thought they were still pretty busy." I said as he reached my side and kissed my cheek.

"She knows that I am supposed to be having dinner with my future in-laws tonight and decided that was greater than staying here." He told me.

"Well I guess that means that you told her." I replied.

"Yeah didn't see the point in keeping in a secret."

"Oh it's not that I wanted to keep it a secret," I said looking over at him, "but I thought that perhaps it might be best if we told my parents first and your family before we started announcing it all over the ER."

"Sorry baby." He said. "I didn't think about that. You're right, parents and family first."

"No harm done." I said as we headed up to catch the EL back to the studio together. "I know you're excited, I am too." I said as we waited on the platform for the next train. We didn't have to wait long for it to get there.

"Yeah I am." He said. "Excited, happy, thrilled, you name it. Something as good as this is very hard to just sit on. I want to scream to the world that I am getting married to such talented, beautiful woman."

I blushed a little now, "well after tonight you can do just that." I told him holding onto him in a half hug, "we just have to tell the parents first. They might feel a little jilted if we run around telling everyone else before them. And I wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes. But other than that and having to bang that into your head, how was your day?"

"Busy and interesting." He answered. "Getting excited about starting my internship."

I smiled over at him. "I would be too." I gently nudged him. "You'll do fine, I know you will."

"Glad you have faith in me."

"Someone has to." I said with a soft laugh so that he would know that I was joking with him and wasn't being serious. "Lots of people have faith in you; I know I'm not the only one. I just can't believe I'm about to become an R2."

"That you will be." He said as we came to our stop and got off. We walked arm and arm the best that we could.

"You know this living together thing is really working out." I said, "I didn't think I'd like having a room mate but I think that I'm glad we decided to do this."

He opened up the door and we went inside. "I'm glad that you are happy with our arrangement."

I put my arms around him hugging him close to me, looking up into those dark shinning eyes of his, the way that they danced when he was happy. "You want to know the best part?"

"What might that be?" He asked as he asked me back.

I smiled at him, "waking up every morning next to you."

He gave me a tight squeeze now, "come on we have to get ready for dinner with your parents." He said letting go of me. "You know where we are going, is this like suit and tie night?"

"I don't think so." I said.

"Ah better be safe rather than sorry and I want to make a good impression on your mom." He said as he headed for the closet.

"I need to make a good impression on my mother." I said sighing as I headed to find something to wear for tonight. "I wish this fight of ours was over. I hate fighting with my family."

"I know you do baby." He said as he pulled on his shirt and leaned over kissed me again. "It will get better."

"Yeah as soon as I swallow my pride, tell her that I am sorry that I didn't accept my families help and admit that I made a mistake staying in Chicago." I told him as I threw my shirt on over my head and started to straighten it out. "Which I'm sorry I just can't do." I grabbed the skirt that I was going to wear now to put it on, "staying here was the best decision I could have made, that's how I feel and I can't change it. She needs to just accept that I am not a little girl anymore and that I can and will make my own decisions. She can not control me like that." I said as I flopped down onto the bed. "I'm sorry I shouldn't be bitching like this at you. It's not your fault, and it's not hers or mine. Just a very serious case of over protective mother."

"Its okay baby, that's what I'm here for vent all you need to it will make you feel better." He told me as he started to mess with his tie.

"I didn't stay here to be spiteful or rebellious or even to be disrespectful of her. I wish she could understand that." I said sighing now as I worked on finishing getting ready. "I love my mother and the last thing I would ever be to her is disrespectful."

"I know." He said trying to be sympathetic to what I was saying. "Let's just go and have a good evening. We'll share our good news and things might just smooth themselves over." He stood up and held out his hand. "After all, you and I, we are a good thing."

"I know we are." I answered as I took his hand into mind. "I have no regrets about anything. I'm looking forward to the future and having you there, seeing where it takes us and where we end up."

He smiled and just softly kissed my head, "come on we're going to be late."

We walked out and down and caught the train over to where we were supposed to meet them. I was happy to see my dad, nervous to see my mother, and my stomach was in small knots as to how they would react to the news. Ryan seemed so confident that everything was going to be okay. Since he had already talked to my dad about this, I knew that he wasn't going to over react that he was fine and happy with all of this. It was my mother's reaction that left me not knowing what to expect.

We didn't say anything to each other as we were sat at a table. She was silent with her arms folded across her chest. She had this look on her face that was saying that she really didn't want to be there.

My dad however was all smiles and it was as if he was waiting for Ryan and I to say something and I didn't know if I should be the one to say something or if he wanted to be the one to say it. This was turning into a very awkward situation that was for sure.

I looked at both of them and then over at Ryan, orders had been taken, drinks were in front of us, I just needed to bite the bullet and say something. I was squeezing the life out of Ryan's hand under the table now.

"Ryan and I have something that we would like to share with you." I finally said trying to break this messed up silence that had fallen over us.

"What might that be?" My mother said giving me the evil eye.

I sighed softly; she wasn't going to be thrilled about this one. You could feel the chill in the air, nothing but cold was coming from her right now. My eyes were cast down now as I didn't want to look at someone who was making me feel about two inches tall. "Ryan and I are getting married." I said in one quick breath.

"Oh are you now?" My mother said. "That's just wonderful Tess." Her arms remained folded over her chest and there was nothing that changed with the look upon her face.

"Congratulations baby." Dad said as he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek he was the only buffer between me and my mom right now.

From the way she looked it appeared that she could have leaned across the table and throttled me. "Oh yes." She said, "that is just the best news I have had all day." There was nothing but sarcasm in her voice when she said that.

I wanted to just break down and cry at this point. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing. Ryan was a great guy. He was kind, considerate, everything that a girl could want rolled into one package. I looked up at Dad and then over at her. "The least you could do is pretend to be happy for me."

"What do you want me to say Tess?"

"You know what just don't say anything." I told her.

"Pregnant?"

"No."

"Why then?"

"Because I am happy, because I am in love, because this is what I want. I am happy with my relationship and I am certainly more than ready to take it to the next level. Because I cannot picture my life with out Ryan in it. It is what I want and it's what I am going to do." I said as I pushed the chair back from the table. "I am not going to let you put me on some guilt trip because you think that I am doing the wrong thing. I am sorry if my decision to stay in Chicago hurt your feelings, if you are not thrilled with the fact that I am no longer your little girl who jumps when you say to do something. But this is my life and this is how I want it to be and if it doesn't fit your time table or what you wanted well I am not going to change it. You are my mother and I love you, god help me I do, but you are not going to ruin this for me." I stood up now. I was not going to cry in front of her and I was not going to cause any more of a scene that I already had. "If you can't accept this then so be it. But I am done bending over backwards to make you happy to be the daughter that you think I should be."

I didn't give anyone the chance to say anything before I turned on my heels and walked out into the cold Chicago night. I was not about to sit there and listen to her belittle my decision or have her be in this cold, foul mood while I was trying to enjoy my newfound happiness. If she couldn't accept it, I couldn't force her too. And I might have felt bad that our relationship had been reduced to this but I wasn't going to fold.


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43:

The air outside now was a little cooler than I remembered it being when we had gone inside but it was still spring and it would be awhile longer before we had warm nights. I felt a twinge of guilt leaving Ryan inside with my mom, not so much my dad, but definitely my mother.

I ran my hand under my eye to wipe away the tears that were there. I couldn't believe that my mother, my own mother, had acted like that towards me. This wasn't something that we had rushed. We had known each other for almost a year and had been dating for several months. I hadn't been in Chicago that long before we had that first date. I couldn't understand why she was being like this towards me.

It hurt, that much I knew. I almost was to the point of being devastated. I wasn't sure if it was because she had given me such a cold shoulder or if it was because she just seemed so cold towards me. One would never think that their own mother would be that cold.

"Tess."

I heard the voice behind me, "sorry dad." I said, "I'm sorry I left like that. It was rude of me." As mad and hurt as I was at my mother, I shouldn't have left the table like that, it was rude and I knew it. I didn't turn around just yet to look at him. "I just didn't know what else to do." I turned to face him now as I was talking.

He put his arm around me now hugging me closer to him. "It's okay baby girl. I don't know what to tell you." He said, "I am happy for you and I thought that your mother would be too."

I didn't know what to say, I was having a hard time with this and I was sure that my dad could tell that it wasn't sitting well with me either. "It will be okay." I said, "I'll be fine you don't have to worry Daddy."

"Ryan's getting you dinner taken care of so that you can take it home. Because I can't have my baby girl going hungry." He said softly with his arm still around me, "don't worry Tess, I'll talk to you mom see what's going on, I know you don't like fighting with her like this."

"I don't." I said looking at him. "I don't know what I did that is so wrong. She's been upset with me ever since I didn't go back to Seattle with her and now it's just exploding and getting worse and I don't know how to stop it from getting any worse than it is right now and that worries me. What does she have against Ryan?"

"I don't know Tess." He said, "I wish I had some answers for you but I don't. I don't understand it right now either but we'll get to the bottom of it and get things fixed. I know that your mother doesn't want to be upset with you there has to be something that we can do to straighten this out. Just give me a chance to talk to her and then we'll go from there."

I nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. But daddy…"

"What baby girl?"

"Thank you." I said softly.

"For what?" He asked.

"For giving Ryan the okay." I said with a smile now, a soft smile, but a smile nonetheless. "It really means a lot to both of us that you are okay with this and that you approve of my choice. That means more to me that I can express."

"I know honey and I want you to know that I think that he's a good man for you. I wouldn't let just any man marry my daughter." He said. "While I might be happy that you found such a fine man, I'm sad that I am losing my baby girl. And that might be the whole deal with your mom."

"You're not losing me." I said, "I'm still going to be your baby girl no matter what Daddy. Once a daddy's girl always a daddy's girl."

"It's not the same." He said, "but I know that he'll take good care of you and that you'll be happy those are the two most important things to me. I just always want you to be happy. I think your mom is just having a hard time with all your new found independence."

"Sorry I took so long baby."

I turned now as Ryan's voice hit my ears. "It's okay."

"Mr. Ross." Ryan said, "you want a few more minutes with your dad Tess, or are you ready to head home?"

"I'm ready to go. Will I see you later Daddy before you leave?" I asked hoping he would say yes.

"Yeah I will come by and see you before I leave town." He gave me one more small hug before he let me go over to Ryan.

"Okay." I said as I smiled for him, "I'll see you later then." I watched as he nodded back to me before heading back inside to where we had left my mother.

"You okay?" Ryan asked as he slipped an arm around me.

"I will be." I said softly as I leaned heavily against him as we walked.

"Do you want me to get us a cab rather than take the EL, you seem worn out." He said to me.

"No, I'm fine. I can make it." I said as I tried to pull some of my weight off him so that I wasn't leaning so heavily upon him.

"You don't have to put up a front for me honey." He said to me, "if you are tired we'll get a cab."

"I'm not putting up a front." I said. "I might be a little tired but I can make the trip home. I'd rather not get a cab okay." I might have been a little shorter with him that I intended to be but I was a little emotionally frazzled right now.

We walked over and caught the first train that was headed the way that we needed to go. We didn't say much to each other, it might have been a good thing to give me, more so than him, time to decompress after that.

We walked up the stairs and got inside the apartment and I about collapsed on the couch. Ryan walked into the kitchen and came back a couple of minutes later with our dinners on plates.

"Here," he said holding one out to me, "I have time to eat with you before I have to leave for work."

I nodded as I took the plate from him, "I'm glad. Dinner without you here would be rather dull." I smiled softly as I had calmed down somewhat on the way home.

"Really now?

"Of course it would be." I said. "I would have to carry on a conversation with myself and then I would probably lose a few arguments and I had losing to myself."

He smiled over at me as we started to eat. "Yeah I would hate for that to happen."

We ate in relative silence mostly because when you had food in your mouth it didn't make for optimal conversation. We finished up and I took the plates into the kitchen, "you'd better shake a leg, you don't want to be late for your shift."

"Yeah I know I don't." He said as he kissed my head and then went off to change coming back out a few minutes later.

I had stretched out on the couch while he was changing and he came over and pulled the blanket that was on the back of the couch over me. "Don't stay up to late." He whispered, "but sweet dreams, I'll see you in the morning okay?"

"I'll see you in the morning." I replied, "hey Ryan…"

"What baby?"

"You're rather sexy all dressed like that."

"Thanks darling." He said giving me one last quick kiss before heading towards the door, "sleep well." With that he was out the door and on his way to work.

I reached over and flipped on the TV going through the channels not really finding anything interesting to watch. I curled up on my side and my eyes drifted shut while the evening news was on.


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44:

I could hear voices now from behind my closed eyes. I knew them both but just didn't want to wake up all the way. I put my hands over my head stretching, realizing that I was on the couch not in bed. There was a kink in my neck and my arm had fallen asleep moving brought upon pins and needles.

"What are you doing on the couch darlin'?"

"Hmm," I said still with closed eyes, "watching the news."

"I see." He answered back, "your dad is here. I'll put the coffee on for us."

I felt a soft kiss on my head and then heard the sound of feet walking away before I found hand under me sitting me upright.

"You have a bed, one would think you would use it." A deep voice said.

"I do." I answered peeking one eye open now to look at my dad. "Good to see you though you are here pretty early aren't you?"

"Yeah I know but I knew Ryan would be just getting home." He answered, "didn't think you'd be crashed on your own couch."

"Neither did I, but then I had a good teacher," I said with my head resting against his shoulder now. "If I had known you were coming I would have had the coffee on and not been sleeping on the couch."

"Ah don't you worry about it none." He said, "I don't know how you can sleep on this thing though, it's kind of lumpy."

"Hey no picking on my furniture." I said. "I'm a poor resident you know."

"Poor resident, yeah that's right." He said with a soft smile, "I supposed you are going to make me foot the bill for this March wedding of yours."

"Oh you know it." I said smiling up at him. "You're my daddy and I'm your baby girl, so it's only right that you have to fork over the bucks for me."

"Do you want to have it here in Chicago?" He asked me, "since I'm here and all we might as well talk a little about my girl's big day."

"I don't know." I said as Ryan came back into the room with three cups of coffee. "Oh now I feel really special." I smiled, with my dad's arm around me on one side and Ryan on the other. "Stuck between my two favorite men."

I could hear them both laughing now a little, "glad to hear that." Ryan said, "well do you want Seattle or Chicago?"

"Chicago might be nice." I said looking over at Dad, "you know since Nana is here, that might make things easier on here if she doesn't have to fly. Nana doesn't like to fly."

"True." He said, "I know your Nana would want to be there for this. Have you gone to see her?"

"Not lately." I said, "I know I should go and see her but I haven't been able to get over there. I will go soon I promise because I want to be able to tell her."

"Good I know you will go and see her, and I'm sure that she will be happy to see you as well." He said, "you two just make the plans and keep me informed on them and well I guess send me the bills. If I have to go into the poor house so be it."

"I don't want anything really big Dad." I found myself saying. "I think I'd be happier with something small, more intimate with close friends and family."

"You can have what you want." He said. "I talked to your mother."

I settled back against the couch a little more now, "uh what did she have to say, or do I really want to know this early in the morning?"

"Well," he said looking over at me, "she wants to have lunch with you before we leave."

"I don't know about that." I said rather slowly, "uh I don't really want to have another public flogging from her."

"I don't think she has that in mind."

"No she just wants to burry the hatchet deeper in my back." I said.

"You need to go into this with an open mind Tess."

I scoffed, "well yeah I know I do and of course I will but it's hard to believe that in such a short period of time she's completely changed her mind about all of this. You are persuasive but Daddy even you can't perform miracles."

"I don't think I did, but I think you'll be okay." He said.

"Why am I getting the feeling that isn't going to be the case?" I asked. "That I am being set up for something horrible here."

"Would I do that to you?"

"Yes you would." I answered now hearing soft snoring coming for the other side of me where Ryan was sitting. "I think his long day caught up with him." I said as I moved a little, "baby," I gently shook Ryan's shoulder until he stirred somewhat, "go on up to bed." I said pushing on him a little so that he would move and head off to bed.

"He's working some pretty long hours."

"Yeah he is." I said softly now as I watching Ryan retreating for the bed. "I can't help but worry even though I try not to worry. It's not his job that scares me so much as the hours."

"He'll be okay." My dad said.

"I know, it's just so sweet that he's willing to do all of this for me. Extra hours so that we can have the apartment when I couldn't work. He doesn't seem to want to quit it anytime soon either. He's a good doctor but he's a good medic too."

"I'm sure he can balance both of them Tess. Try not to worry about him, he'll know when he's doing too much and he'll make a decision then when it comes to what he wants to do."

"That's what I am waiting for." I said, "and I hope he just knows that I'll support him whether he's a doctor or a medic. They are both good professions and he's helping people, that's what he likes."

"In the end that's all that matters." My dad said. "March 10th, any special reason you picked that day?"

"Nope." I said looking over at him, "no special reason, just the day that we picked, no rhyme or reason to it."

"That's fine." He said, "I'll just make sure that we keep that day clear and well hopefully your sister won't have a basketball game that day, but I think we'll make do."

"Oh man I didn't even think about that. Do you think it's going to be a problem, I mean we haven't planned anything so we could technically change the date. I wouldn't want to force Kate to have to choose like that. It wouldn't be fair."

"I think you'll be okay." He said. "When are you going to tell her?"

"Soon as I can." I said, "I was hoping that I can call her this weekend sometime. I know she had a game last night so I was thinking that I could do it later tonight or tomorrow morning after mass."

"That would be good." He said, "she's going to be happy for you. She likes Ryan and thinks he's a pretty good guy."

"Okay," I said, "tell mom that I will have lunch with her and then call me and let me know where she wants to have lunch." I shifted on the couch. "I want to end this and I know she wants to do the same." I sighed softly.

"Good girl." He said patting my leg, "so since your man's out cold how about you and I go and get some pancakes?"

"Sounds good to me." I said, "you want to take your gimpy daughter out again."

"Yeah I do." He said, "for being gimpy you get around pretty good, won't be long before you are walking with out any help you know that."

I stood up and gathered up my stuff writing Ryan a short note, but doubted that he'd be up and time soon or before we got back. "That's the plan. I want to be able to walk down the isle on your arm and on your arm alone not with these damn things."

"Frustrated by it."

"Oh you know I am and then some." I said, "guess it's just more motivation. But it's getting better it really is."

"I can see that." He said as we headed out in the Chicago morning now.

"There's a small café down the street if you don't mind walking about 2 blocks." I said.

"Nope if you can make it, I can make it."

"I can make it." I said, "Greta says I'm doing better and making leaps and bounds with my recovery. I'm just still a little weak on the left side but it's getting better. I feel awkward when I'm treating patients but other than that I can work and that's making it easier."

"You'll be yourself again before you know it."

We walked together down the street. It had been a long time since he and I had done breakfast together and it was a nice thing to get to do it again. We had done it at least once a week when I was living in Seattle and going to school. Most of the time it was nothing more than eating in the cafeteria. Pancakes with my dad was one of my favorite things to do and it gave us a chance to talk and catch up with one another before we were going to have to go our separate ways.


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45:

I had a great time with my Dad. We caught up and talked shop for a little while before we walked back to the apartment and he left. He told me that he would call when he found out where Mom wanted to have lunch and I said that I would wait for his phone call.

I picked up the house a little bit and then thought about what kind of ring that I might want to get Ryan. I opened up my laptop and fired it up so that I could get on the internet and do a little looking. I had nine months to put this together and I knew that I could do it where I didn't want anything giant. There were a few places that looked appealing but I just wasn't sure what would be fitting, I'd have to go and check them out myself.

I kept an eye on the clock and when Dad called I agreed to meet mom and the restaurant that she picked. This just wasn't sitting well with me but I needed to suck it up and just do it.

I changed my clothes and then left yet another note for my sleeping boyfriend. I just wanted to let him sleep he needed it and I would always have time with him later in the day. I pulled on my sweater and headed out once again. It took me a little longer to get there than I thought it would be then again I might have been dragging my feet a little.

I walked inside and it didn't take me long to spot my mother and I headed over to the table and sat down across from her. "Hi Mom."

"Hi Tess, how are you doing today?" She asked as I watched her take a drink from the water glass that was in front of her.

Small talk, I didn't dislike it but it wasn't one of my favorite things to do, "I'm good today and you?"

"I'm doing well today thank you for asking."

This was way to awkward to be talking like this with her but I would keep it up for as long as I needed too. "Are you having a nice time on your trip here?"

"It's been pleasant." She said, "I got to see your Nana yesterday, she said to tell you that she misses you and would like to see you when you get a chance."

"Yeah I was planning on going over there in the next few days." I said, "I just got busy and haven't had a chance to get over to where she is."

"She understands." My Mom said looking at me now. Her arms weren't folder over her chest like they have been the last few times we had met.

"I will get over there soon." I said keeping an eye on her not staring, just watching and trying to read her reactions.

"I'm glad you came to have lunch with me." She said.

"No problem Mom, I didn't have anything planned for today and I am more than happy to have lunch with you." I said, wondering now if that didn't come across a little thicker than I meant to. I sighed unintentionally, "I don't like the way things are between us."

"I know," Mom said, "and maybe we can fix things a little bit."

I nodded. "You know I would really like that." I said unsure of what to say. Afraid that I would say the wrong thing and she would take that defensive posture again and well then I'd be up against the same brick wall I was modeled from.

"Ryan is a very nice young man." She said.

Shocking, from the way she was acting last night that would have been the last thing that I would have thought she would have said. "Yes he is, he's a very nice man."

"And you are both doing well?"

"We are." I said. "He's working a lot of hours right now but other than that we are doing okay."

"That's good to know." She said as her postured softened a little more.

I wasn't sure what to make of any of this. She sure was throwing me for a loop and I didn't know if I was just supposed to pretend that the last couple of times we had been together hadn't happened. "He likes his job he's good at it."

"Oh I am sure that he is." She stated.

I wasn't sure where to take the conversation with her. Talking about Ryan didn't seem to be bothering her but it wasn't getting us anywhere or bringing us any closer.

"So," she said looking at me, there wasn't anything on her face that was screaming at me, "you're getting married."

"Yes." I said simply. I didn't know what else to say in response to that question. Knowing full well that she already knew the answer to that one.

"And you are sure that this is what you want?"

"I'm sure; I wouldn't have told him yes if I wasn't sure that this is what I wanted." I answered.

"When are you doing this?" She asked.

"March 10th." I answered swallowing hard.

"That's a nice date." She said, "the weather here should be nice." She picked up the menu that had been sitting next to her, "I'm assuming that you want to do it here?"

"I thought that it would be a little easier for Nana to be able to attend if we did it here, I know how much Nana hates to fly." I answered.

"True." She said, "I don't remember a time that your Nana has gotten on a plane. We've always come to Chicago to see her."

"No I don't think I can remember Nana coming to Seattle." I answered back.

We ordered lunch before anything else was said between the two of us. Even though that was my mother sitting across from me right now this just felt odd.

"So I guess I'm going to be spending some time flying back and forth now." She said, "that is of course if you would like my help."

"Of course I would want your help." I told her. "I have no idea how to plan a wedding."

"I know." She said. The smile on her face was almost scary. "Well get it put together, although March doesn't give us much time."

"I know but that's when we want to do it." I said.

"We can do it. It will take a lot of work but we can do it." She said. "Do you have anything in mind?" My mother asked now.

This woman was throwing me for a loop and a half after the way she acted last night I was more than confused, here she was acting like we were absolutely fine.

"Uh mom?"

"What?"

"I need to ask, okay I have to ask, why the change of heart about all of this?" I said almost scared of what she was going to say.

"I had some time to calm down." She said, "you are an adult and if this is what you want, then it's going to happen. I have my reservations about it, but that's me. If this is what you really want then I'll be here."

"This is really what I want." I told her.

"Then, we have a wedding to plan." She said looking at me. "You didn't answer my question though; do you have any ideas of what you might like?"

"Something small." I said, "I think that I want something small, not giant and overblown, something simple."

"Okay." She said, "March you'll want to have it inside."

"Yeah, maybe one of the hotels along the river," I said raising my eyes a little, "might make for some nice pictures."

"Do you want a day time or night time wedding?"

"I don't know." I said, "honestly, I've only had a little over a day to think about this and I'm not sure about some of it. We have set a date, but that's about all that we have talked about."

"Well, you and Ryan can talk about it and then let me know and we can go from there."

I reached across the table, "I love you Mom."

"I know you do, and I love you too." She said. "I'll have to come back and give you a hand when you and Ryan get a chance to talk. Just don't want to long because we'll need to book a place to have the service and then we'll have to find a place for the reception and the invitations will need to go out by the 10th of December."

"I can let you know soon what we decide." I told her. "You know it's just going to take us a little while to get everything nailed down, we don't have a lot of time to talk to each between both our jobs."

"It's okay." She said.

We talked about various things now and the rest of lunch went a lot more peaceful that the last few meeting we had had. I left actually feeling a lot better about our relationship and how things were. And now I had a wedding that I needed to plan.


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46:

Things didn't slow down after my parents left Chicago; in fact it seemed to get a whole lot more hectic. Here I found myself tossed into planning a wedding with my parents some two thousand miles away, but I was determined to do this.

Ryan and I didn't see anymore of each other than we had before the proposal, and it didn't look like we were going to get anymore time together. He liked his second job and no matter how tired it was making him, seemed determined to keep up.

I was working 12 hour shifts now back almost up to full speed again. Although I really wasn't liking the fact that I had a new group of shadows following me around for 12 hours. I tried to be patient with them as they slowly started to navigate the waters of medicine.

It was now the middle of August and I was scheduled to fly home for the weekend taking some things for my mom too look at and of course the part that my dad probably didn't want to see, how much money we were looking at spending. Although I had to admit that I was being very good about keeping a lid on expenses. My mom wanted to take one day and go hunting for a wedding dress something that I honestly hadn't given a whole lot of thought too, with everything else that was going on and I was trying to get done.

A long kiss goodbye and an EL ride later I was at the airport and headed home. I sat in the plane seat now flipping through some of the stuff that I had brought along trying to narrow down some more decisions that needed to be made. I was swamped. For every decision that I thought I had made four more popped up to take its place.

We had set a time; we were going to do it at 2 pm. Early afternoon, pretty much we sat down closed our eyes and hit the clock. Neither of us really caring what time it took place just that it took place.

The room that I booked had a few of the waterfront and well I probably could have found someplace less expensive to do this, but I had fallen in love with the view. It was going to make for some very beautiful pictures. So we had a date, a time, and a place. Invitations had been decided upon and ordered so that they could be sent out when my mother said wedding etiquette dictated. I had informed both mothers, and well I had a hard time with both of them protesting that the guest list was to remain at 100 people, no more, I wanted a small wedding and that was what I was going to have. I figured I'd let them duke that part out and just stay out of it. The people that I wanted were at the top of the list and well under no circumstances could those people be taken off the list.

Everything else was falling slowly and it really did feel slow, into place. I knew that the day would be okay. Probably wouldn't go flawless but hey nothing was perfect. It would be perfect to Ryan and me, and honestly we were the ones that mattered.

Several hours later I was in Seattle and it kind of felt weird to be home. I got off the plane, this was the first time in over a year I had been back, and nothing had changed really. It was Seattle in August, not overly hot and actually I was a little surprise it wasn't raining.

"Yeah baby girl."

"Hey Dad." I said as headed across to where he was at. "Beard again huh, middle of summer, what are you thinking, winter." I poked at him, "you are supposed to grow that in winter." I wrapped my arms around him giving him a hug hello.

I watched as he rubbed his face with one arm around me. "You have anything checked?"

"Nope just this." I said with a smile, "travel light and well I still have stuff at your house so I didn't have to bring much."

"That's my girl. Have you eaten?" He asked, "you're mom still has another two hours left at work, we could get you something if you need to eat."

"That sounds like a plan." I answered back. "Lead the way, are we picking up Mom from work or did she take her car?"

"I stole her car." Dad said as we walked outside the busy airport.

"Does she know you did that?" I asked with a small laugh.

"Yeah she does." He said. "I had to take it into the shop for her."

"Cool that means Jeep." I smiled a little more. I had always loved my dad's jeep and it was the car of choice when I needed to borrow one. Granted I was seldom allowed it, but it was still my car of choice.

"Remind me to tell Ryan that if he ever gets into some serious trouble with you the way to your ultimate forgiveness is via a jeep." He laughed as we reached the car and when he hit the locks I jumped in.

"Yeah if he could afford it that would definitely get him several get out of trouble free cards." I looked over at him, "not that he'd ever need them. I mean I know that eventually we are going to fight and probably over some pretty stupid stuff, but I don't think he'd ever do anything that he'd need to buy me a jeep to get out of it."

"Tess honey," he said reaching over and patting my leg, "you don't have to sell him on me. I already like the boy and I am happy for you."

I looked down for a second. "I know. I just can't help it sometimes. I still have this feeling that mom doesn't like him, even though she seems okay with all this."

"You don't have to worry about your mother baby girl." He said as he started us out into traffic, "everything is okay and pretty soon all the stress of this will be behind you and you and Ryan will have the rest of your lives together."

"Ah so true." I said as I settled into the seat some more. "So, where we going?" I asked, "rather where are you feeding me at?"

"I have no idea just yet." He said, "You have someplace in mind or what you might be in the mood for?"

After much debate we finally settled on a sports bar down near the hospital where we could have burgers and beer and with there being no games on right now we knew it wouldn't be overly crowded.

"Ah Dr. Ross, Tess." The bartender threw us a wave as we took a seat at a table near the bar, "what will it be tonight?"

"Cheeseburger, fries, and a Coors Light." I said as I gave him a return wave and a smile.

"Same for me, but make mine a Heineken." Dad called out to the bartender before looking over at me, "what am I going to do with you and that domestic beer you drink child."

"Hey come on I'm a poor resident. Can't go and develop a taste for the expensive beer, I got to pay the bills before I can drink." I said, "nothing wrong with it."

"I'll give you that one."

We sat and talked about anything and everything until dinner came and then we ate and talked a little less but we still talked. I felt like I had all this catching up to do with him and not a whole lot of time. When time rolled around Dad paid the bill and we headed down towards the hospital.

"Going to make me sit in the car or do I get to come in?" I asked.

"When have you ever sat in the car when you were told to?" He jabbed back.

"Point taken." I said as I climbed out of the car, Dad having parked in a physician space we didn't have to go that far. "Mom in the ER?"

"Isn't that where she always is?" He asked back. "Yeah she's charge nurse tonight."

"Cool," I answered as we headed inside, "she's the best one they have."

"That my child you have right."

I followed him inside. I was a little nervous about what old faces I might run into inside. Who might still have been there from my stint there as a med student. I had a lot of friends in Seattle and many of them I hadn't talked to since I moved to Chicago. Yet I couldn't shake this feeling that tonight I was going to run into the one person that I really didn't want to see, someone that I hadn't left things on the best of terms with. Someone who no matter how many times he was told no never did give up.


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47:

We walked inside and so far so good, we headed back towards where we were told my mom was and it didn't take us long to find her. She gave me a hug when she saw us.

"Glad you made it in okay baby."

I just smiled, "me too good to see you mom."

"I've just got a couple of things that I need to finish up and then I can leave." She said. "Why don't you wait for me in the lounge?"

"Sure Mom." I said as my dad and I headed back towards the lounge to wait for her. I walked in seeing all the familiar lockers and all the various stuff that seemed to live in there. I sank down into the couch, "oh this thing will still suck you in."

"How many cat naps have you taken on that thing?"

"Oh," I said with a soft laugh, "more than my fair share." I smiled at him and closed my eyes stretching out, "I think this was my favorite place."

"Don't get to used to it, your mom won't be long and you have gotten way to big for me to carry out to the car, that and I am just getting to old to be lugging my daughter around."

I laughed, "yeah , right," I kept laughing, "you and old don't belong in a sentence together."

"Glad to know you don't think I'm old."

I rolled over onto my stomach now fully stretched out on the couch, looking at my dad who was perched in one of the chairs in there, "nope, I have a new found respect for aging." I paused for just a moment, "see you're not old because I know that eventually I'm going to reach your age, and well if I say you are old then I will be old and nope, I'm not going there."

"Oh so it's more for your benefit than for mine."

"It's something like that." I said as my eyes fluttered shut again, "oh it's good to be home sometimes. I think I need to find a way to take this thing with me. I have never had a more comfortable place to sleep."

"You can't take the couch, but you could stay in Seattle."

That voice it didn't belong to my dad and I about shot through the roof when I heard it. "Mike… Michael." I had ended up springing to my feet now, that was not the person that I wanted to see. "Dr. Pendergraff how nice to see you." I forced a smile on my face as I choked on my words.

"It's great to see you." He said as he walked over to me and pulled me into this suffocating hug.

"Same here." I answered back painfully. I shot my dad a rescue me now look but he didn't seem to be paying much attention.

"Your mom was saying that you'd be back in town this weekend, and here you are, I'm so looking forward to tonight." He said, "what's it been a year now?"

"Tonight?" I said shaking my head a little. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Yeah," he said and there was this tone to his voice that said he was excited about what it was. "We are all getting together down at the chapel tonight for drinks."

I nodded, "oh we are." I shot another look at my dad.

"First I heard of it." He answered when he caught my look.

"Oh your mom was telling us how you were coming in and we all decided that since you were back in town we all had to get together before you flew back to Chicago, see if we can convince you to stay in Seattle of course."

"I don't know, I really don't think tonight's going to work for me and all. I just got in, I worked last night, I'm pretty beat. I appreciate the thought and all but really it's not a good idea." I told him. I had gotten into some serious drinking trouble the last time we all ended up there and I wasn't going to have a repeat of that. Not when I was this tired and my fiancé was in Chicago.

"Oh now come on, you can't leave us all hanging like that." He said. "You're going to go; it's a party in your honor."

"Mike," I said.

"Hey there gorgeous."

"Damien." I said, what was this, gang up on Tess night. I glanced towards the door to see him followed in by another person. "Hey Melanie."

"Hey the rumor's true." Melanie said hugging me, "good to see you girl."

"Good to see you too." I said hugging her back. She had been one of my best friends.

"I'm just going to run home and change and I'll meet you guys down there." She said as she headed back out the door. "We can talk then Tess."

"Yeah I guess we can." I answered. It looked like I had been ambushed.

"Meet you down there too." Michael said as he swatted my butt passing by, "we've got a lot of catching up to do."

The door went shut and it was just me and dad in there again. "Someone had been neuter that man before I do it."

My dad laughed, "I'm sorry Tess." He said, "really I had no idea about any of this."

"No but I know who does and I'm so going to…."

"Tess Ann, don't pick a fight with your mother."

"Ah, why not you are not the one that has to spend an evening with Fido there." I answered, "you know she's behind this. And that man is nothing but trouble and we both know that much."

"It's one night a few drinks." He said, "what can it hurt?"

"Michael Pendergraff is the most annoying, idiotic, person I have ever dated. Dating him was the worst mistake of my life. He needs a sign that says don't date me cause you will never get rid of me. I will try to get into your life at every turn that I can. No is not in my vocabulary and I don't know how to give up no matter what you say to me."

"What can I say Tess." He said looking at me.

"That you won't leave me alone in the same room with that man when there's alcohol being served. That's what got this whole thing started and it's never ending dad, I'm dead serious. He's like… he's like an antigen. Once you get them you have them for life!"

"Okay baby girl," He said, "you are being just a wee bit melodramatic there."

"No I am not." I said. "He's a parasite, the plague, a never ending nightmare."

"Why did you date him?"

I stopped for a minute, "cause at the time he was cute."

He laughed, "oh well that explains it all then."

"I didn't know until it was too late about all the other stuff." I said. "I'm 20 years old and he's talking about us having kids and getting married and living happily ever after on our second date!"

"I see."

"You are so not taking me serious are you?" I said putting my hands on my hips.

"Oh no you are not giving me that look, I get that one enough from your mother and I see she taught you well." He said, "look Tess you are here for 2 days. Just deal with the plague that's found you and you go home."

"How would you like that for a son-in-law?" I said still keeping that look, "cause I'm telling you right now, he doesn't take no for an answer and he hasn't left me alone since we broke up. I've had a year free of Michael Pendergraff but it took me two thousand miles to get it!"

"Deep breathes in baby girl, and that's not funny."

"Tell me about it." I muttered as I flopped back down on the couch.

Just as my mom poked her head in. "Hey Doug, we've got a multiple MVA that's 10 minutes out. Can you give us a hand?"

"Yeah I can." He reached over and messed with my hair. "Duty calls."

"Want some help?"

"Hey Tess, Michael said that he'd give you a ride down to the bar." She said with a smile.

"I'd rather wait." I said.

"We will probably be tied up for awhile." She said, "go on have fun with your friends. He's at the admit desk waiting for you."

"Why don't you just give me a noose and let me hang myself." I muttered as I slowly, as slow as I could started to pick up my stuff.

I had been ambushed, there was no doubt in my mind, of course she hadn't planned the MVA, and even she wasn't that good. But I know she had wanted me to spend time with these people for a reason and that reason couldn't have been a good one. Especially since she was putting me into a car with Michael. Did she have some kind of death wish for me, she knew I hated that man with a passion and then some and I really hadn't been able to get rid of him. It was going to be a very long and very painful night.


	48. Chapter 48

_A/N: Sorry for the delay in the update but Finals hit and I was swamped but they are now over and I have winter break. So I'll stop and let you read the next chapter and please let me know what you think cause I have a couple of ideas as to where I am going and I want to know what you think of the direction it's headed._

Chapter 48:

I was trying to drag my feet as much as possible heading towards the admit area of the hospital right now. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend the time with old friends, but it was the fact that I had to spend time with Michael. There was some very bumpy history between the two of us and being trapped in a car with him. The thought of where conversation could go or might go was unnerving.

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah I am." I said as I neared him.

"Great." He said smiling, "I'm so glad that you did decide to come with us."

I started to walk out with him, trying to keep my distance with out acting like I was keeping my distance, "yeah I am too. Just a little short notice but do able."

"It's nice to see you."

Lie, Tess, that's all you can do. "It's nice to see you too." I said hoping that he didn't read anything it that other than me being nice to him. It was taking everything that I had right now to manage that.

"So how is Chicago treating you?" He asked as he unlocked the car doors now that we were outside. "About ready to come back to Seattle and work?"

"Chicago is treating me fine." I answered as I opened up the car door to get in. This was shaping up to be a painful evening. "No I won't be coming back to Seattle."

"Chicago that good." He said, "they must be treating you really well."

"Its home now." I answered again.

"We all miss you around here; things haven't been the same since you left."

"I'm sure." I said trying to keep my tone in line. "But I'm not coming back."

"You should think about it." He said to me as we started down the road heading for the bar where we where all supposed to meet. "Man, taking you to the chapel again, been awhile since we've done this."

I wanted to tell him that there was no we in this, but I bit me tongue. "We'll there's a reason for that. So don't get to comfortable. I'll be going home in a couple of days, back to Chicago and back to what's my home."

"Ah a few hours with us and you'll change your mind." He said as he kept his eyes on the road but his hand moved into a place where it should be moving.

"Hands on the wheel." I said as I pushed it away.

He shot a quick smile, "yes ma'am." But didn't move his hand from where it was sitting.

"Come on Michael." I said, pushing it away yet again and letting out a giant sigh, "I'm not in the mood for this tonight. Save the sweet talk and the touchy feely for someone that you stand a chance with."

"Ah you know that's you." He said with that cocky tone, completely full of arrogance. He always could carry himself as if he was god's gift to woman kind.

"No," I said rather quickly and sharply back, "not a chance, you had it and you blew it. Never again."

"You might say that now, but we will see now won't we."

"Delusions of grandeur again Michael." I snapped back.

"One never knows, you know you regret us breaking up, that deep down inside you really don't want to go back to Chicago and I can give you the reason and motivation to stay."

"You know you really need to stay out of the narcotics." I said looking over at him, then casting my eyes out over the road wishing we would just be there already. "I don't know what planet you are residing on, but it's not the same one as I am."

"I just love your quick wit; adds to your charm Tess." He said.

"You are the only man that I know that doesn't take no for an answer and I swear to god that's going to get your into some serious trouble one of these days. You can only take advantage of people for so long, blind them to who you really are for a limited amount of time. It doesn't take much to see that you are really just a wolf in sheep's clothing."

"You wouldn't have said that at one point in time." He pointed out.

"Some people change and realize when they made a mistake." I said.

"Was that what we were, nothing more than a mistake?" He asked. "I don't see it that way."

"Getting involved with you," I said my tone taking a much more serious nature now. "Yeah it was a mistake, one that cost me more than anyone will ever know. You were my downfall and I still haven't recovered from it. I don't think I ever will."

"Melodramatic there Tess." He said. "You know you had just as big of part in the whole thing as I did. I didn't twist your arm."

I looked his direction once again, my stare icy, "no you just made sure that I was nice and drunk and then pretended to play the hero taking me home."

"I did take you home." He said.

"After a small detour that involved your apartment." I snapped.

"You were sober by the time we were there."

"Far from it Jackass." I replied back, "and you know it. That's what makes the maddest about the whole thing, you knew I wasn't all with it and yet you still did it."

"You are making it sound like you were some kind of victim." He said, "Tess, you never were a victim and you never will be."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"You play the wounded virgin so well, but fact of the matter was, you knew what you were doing. You went along willingly, we'd all been drinking that night but you are adult, so act like it. I only gave you what you wanted at the time."

"What I wanted?" I was trying hard not to yell. "That was not what I wanted, but I couldn't have told you that since I was about ready to pass out. Thing is I didn't know until the following morning that you didn't get me home until 4 am. I was still half drunk then, nice lie that you told my mother, took her out for coffee and pancakes to sober up."

He pulled us into the parking lot now, turning off the car and then looking over at me. "I'm sorry you feel that way." He wasn't fooling anyone, "but it's over, it's done with, you can't change the decisions that were made."

I moved to get out of the car now, "yeah will they aren't the decisions that I made they were the decisions that you made." I yelled back. I heard the locks of the door click as I pulled on the handle and the door wouldn't open. "God unlock the door Michael." There was silence from the other side of the car as if he was thinking about something other than what I had just said. "Come on, unlock the car door, this isn't funny."

There was still nothing coming from him and I didn't like the silence that was in the car. Screaming in the parking lot of a busy bar wasn't going to get the attention of anyone. Most people were inside and the only people that I could see was a man stumbling as he leaned on what appeared to be a woman that was in about the same condition he was. "Michael come on; unlock the doors, conversation dropped. You know I won't say anything to anyone else about this."

I heard the car start up again. He was still silent not saying anything to me and the only thing breaking the silence was my begging him to unlock the doors.

"Please come on Michael, turn off the car, unlock the door and let me out. You are starting to scare me." I couldn't hide the fact that I was scared. I had no idea what was going on and I didn't know what he was thinking.

"Shut up." He said putting his hands to his head. "Just shut up."

I watched as he slammed the car into reverse, "I can't think with all that talking coming from your mouth."

It was when he said that, that I got really nervous and worried. I didn't have my cell phone on me and while I was expected in the bar, they would probably think that I just flaked out or that we got caught in traffic. I tried the door again but it wasn't unlocked and I couldn't get it open. As we peeled out of the parking lot and headed into the dark Seattle night I had a sinking feeling that this wasn't a good thing and I was in a lot of trouble.


	49. Chapter 49

_A/N: Sorry had to change the rating on this one. I didn't know that this idea would hit me in the middle of writing it. I have an overactive imagination (downside to being left handed) so I thought that I would go with it. Don't hate Carol to much no here, cause somethings even a mother doesn't know about. Here's the next chapter so I'll stop rambling and let you read._

Chapter 49:

He drove away from the bar and down the darkened streets of Seattle, but we didn't leave the city. Soon we were parked in front of a house that I didn't recognize.

"Get out of the car." He barked at me when we were parked.

I didn't argue but did what he said. I didn't know what he might have been capable of or what might be in store if I made him madder than he was right now. I don't know why but it seemed as if he was furious with me for something, and if anyone should be furious it should have been me not him. He grabbed my arm when we were out of the car and rather roughly we headed inside that house.

"What are we doing?" I had to ask.

"You and I are going to have a little chat." He said as we walked into a very nicely furnished living room.

"We don't have anything that we need to talk about." I said, "I want to go back to the bar or back to my parents' house." I stated, "I don't want to talk."

"Sit down," he said as he slammed me down onto the couch, "I said we were going to talk and I mean it."

"Yeah okay." I said "you haven't changed at all have you? Still bossy, demanding, pushy, no wonders we didn't last more than two dates."

"I've changed enough." He said back to me.

I watched as his sister came into the room. Michael just nodded at her and she walked back out. I didn't know what was up with that. "What?" I said, "we're here you want to talk, so talk."

"We have some unfinished business." He said. "Something that you left behind and now required your attention."

"I didn't leave anything behind that I didn't want to leave behind." I stated, "you and I don't have anything anymore, why can't you just accept that and give up, move on. I have."

"There are something's in life Tess that you can't just walk away from, no matter how hard you try. What we have is one of those things and I'm not going to let you just walk away this time. You can't simply forget about this and pretend it didn't happen, reality bites."

"I made my decision and that's that." I said. "I have a life in Chicago. I'm getting married in March, that's the life I want to lead, that's the life I am going to lead. One that doesn't involve you. You used me, took advantage of me, hope it was fun because it was the last time."

"Plans can change." He said looking at me. "I'm pretty sure that your plans will be changing. What is here, you can't escape it Tess. I know you have tried but it's still here."

"Stop talking in circles." I said. "There's nothing here, why don't you get that. My god what do I have to say to get you to just let it go. I know that I have. I wanted to forget it and I have."

"I don't know how you could have." He answered "I haven't been able to forget it. I remember it every day of my life. I think about it constantly and it bothered me so much that I had to go and try and fix it and now you are going to own up to it."

My heart sank when he said that. I knew what he was talking about. "No" I shook my head now "I will do no such thing and you have no right to even be talking about this."

"More right than you know."

I stood up and looked him in the eye now. "You raped me," I said, "I didn't ask for what you did. I was drunk. You were supposed to take me straight home. You told everyone at that party that you were going to do just that and you didn't. They trusted you, I trusted you. You even lied to right to my mother's face."

"Oh Tess," he said as he reached up and touched the side of my face, "you wanted it, I only gave you what you wanted, but you were so embarrassed and ashamed for anyone to think that you were that kind of girl." He was talking down to me now, "you have such an innocent look and demeanor to you god forbid anyone found out about how you really are. It's always the quiet ones."

"Twist it a little more Michael." I said "you know there were people there, people who saw how out of it I was. It wouldn't take but one or two of those people to say that I was intoxicated when I left the party; I was intoxicated when you finally dropped me off at home. My mother would attest to that one. I made a mistake not saying anything to anyone when it happened. I just wanted to forget, but you won't let me. You might fool everyone with your good guy appearance and your hard working attitude, but I know what you really are like and I want nothing to do with it anymore, I want to forget you and forget what happened. I'm ashamed because I blamed myself for getting drunk, for getting into the position where you could do that to me."

"You didn't tell anyone because you know what you are saying isn't true." He said, "I won't let you forget simply because it's what you want. It will never just go away."

I backed away from him a few steps now, "no, it's done, it's over and I'm moving on. You nearly ruined my life, my future, my career." I said, "But never again will I let you do that to me. I have everything that I want in Chicago. I am getting back on that plane and going home to the man who loves me. Not someone who is obsessed with what could have been. I don't want to be with someone I can't trust with someone who hurt me as badly as you did."

"He might not feel the same way about you when this all comes out." He said. "I don't think I'd want to be with someone like you, someone who shrugs their responsibilities and runs away the first chance that they get."

"I haven't run away from anything." I answered back.

"Someone might differ with you." He replied back.

"No, you didn't." I said. "You and I talked about this and we agreed on what we did. You can't change your mind about that. You honestly can't expect me to change my mind."

"You have to, I thought I was okay with it, but I'm not." He said as he moved to the side. "I can't do it and I won't let you do that either."

I looked up to see his sister now standing in the doorway and had to fight the urge not to break down and cry, that was the last thing that I thought that I would ever see again. I had worked so long and so hard to make my peace with the entire situation and here he was bringing all back up. I was not going to do this. He might have found something sick and twisted in this, but I wasn't going to play into this game.

I started to move towards the door when he grabbed my arm and yanked me back around to forcing me to face his sister. "Take a long hard look Tess." He said holding me in place now so that I couldn't move, "that's your reality and you are going to have to face up, because it's here and it's now. That's as real as it gets and you are not leaving Seattle. You've hid it for a long time, but it's all about to come out into the open."


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50:

_July the previous year….._

"I can't do this." I cried out as another wave of pain washed over me. They were getting more intense and coming at me faster than I could recover. "I am never letting anyone touch me again."

"Come on focus Tess."

"I am focused." I snapped back.

"Deep breath in and give me one more good push."

"Why the hell are we not doing this in a hospital where there are drugs?"

"Because you woke me up 10 minutes ago."

"You could have driven really fast."

"Oh yeah I sure I'm that talented, I can drive and deliver a baby at the same time."

"Oh shut up, just shut up and make it stop." I said, "I don't want to do this anymore."

"Too late. Come on push Tess, push. Almost there."

_That November 9 months ago…_

"Okay Tess that's enough for you."

"Ha, you should have said that two of those ago." I laughed a little having a hard time staying up right now. "You make them way to strong and they taste way to good."

"Michael, can you take tipsy here home?"

"Good thinking Mel, get me a ride home." I said as I felt her arm go around my shoulder, "Damien's drinks are to die for."

"Yeah you are going to wish you were dead in the morning." Melanie answered as she was now holding me up.

"It's my birthday," I said swaying and falling into Michael now, "I'm allowed to do this once a year." I laughed now, "nice catch."

"I got her Mel." Michael said, "I'll have her home in no time so she can sleep this off."

"Thanks Mike." Mel answered "trust you to get her back safely so that her mom doesn't kill us."

"Count on me."

_January…_

"Mel, are you sure, I mean it makes sense as to why I am puking up cornflakes every morning. That just can't be right."

"Sorry Tess." She answered "I checked it twice. So who is the unlucky guy?"

"Are you sure?" I asked looking at her my eyes almost beginning her to check the results again they had to be wrong.

"Tess I'm positive it's positive." She said. "I mean I know it's not what you wanted to hear but other than that your acting like this is physically impossible."

"Uh yeah well uh I haven't been with anyone since Josh, and he and I broke up in August." I said looking at her with a blank stare on my face.

"You and Michael are pretty close."

"Two dates since my birthday doesn't make us close; besides I dumped him just before Christmas." I said. "We never slept together."

She looked at me. "That's not what Damien told me."

"What'd he say?" I said looking at her now with wide eyes with the blank expression.

"You sure you want to know?"

"Mel I'm pregnant and I don't remember having sex!" I tried not to yell because I didn't want to attract attention. "That's a small problem; you'd think I'd remember that."

I listened as she recanted the story; all I could think was that son of a bitch.

_Three days later…_

I pounded on his apartment door, he was home I knew he was home and he was going to have some explaining to do.

"Hey Tess." Michael said when he opened the door. I pushed him out of the way and into his apartment. "Yeah it's nice to see you too."

"How could you?" I yelled as he pushed the door shut.

"What?"

"Oh you know what." I continued to yell.

"Calm down Tess." He said. "You are going to make the neighbors mad."

"I don't give a shit about your neighbors or who hears." I said, "did you ever plan on telling me that you and I slept together?"

"What in the hell are you talking about?" He said giving me a confused look, "you were there, why would I have to tell you?"

"Maybe because I was lit." I said, "I was drunk and you used that to sleep with me. How could you do that? What were you thinking?"

"Wait a minute," he said, "you were all over me. I was taking you home and you came onto me."

"I would have hit on Yogi Bear." I said, "I wasn't with it, I didn't know what I was doing, hell I don't remember you driving me home."

"You knew what you were doing." He told me now. "So don't come crying foul to me. It's not going to fly Tess."

"I'm pregnant, you got me pregnant!" I said throwing my hands up in the air.

"Wow," he said as I watched a smile come across his face, "that's great."

"You're insane!" I said taking a few steps back from him. "This is not great, I am not having a baby right now, I can not have a baby right now and you and I are going to fix this."

_June…._

"I'm just going to be gone a few weeks Mom, no big deal. Mel and I are going down to Portland. Hang out with some friends from med school before we all start our internships in the fall."

"Tess, I don't know, you're leaving for Chicago in September I'd rather you stay home with us." Carol said.

"I'll be back before you know it and I promise that I will spend all my free time with you then. I just want to spend some time with friends before we all go our separate ways." I had to get out of Seattle. I had been able to hide my ever expanding body for now but I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it to much longer that and I couldn't have the baby here they would find out.

"Have a safe trip, call me and call me often." She said. "And you will be spending time with your father and I before you go so don't go making any more plans."

"Promise mom." I said as I shot her a wave and ran out the door to meet Melanie who was parked in the yard. I jumped in the car. "Ready?"

"Yeah are you?"

"She didn't want me to go." I said sighing.

"Michael gave you money?"

"Yeah he did, enough for us to stay down there until the baby is born. And he signed the papers so there's a family in Portland waiting for us. Or rather for me."

"I don't know how you managed to hide this from everyone."

"Pure luck. Kate is the only other person who I know that knows."

"Couldn't hide it from her."

"You can't hide anything from someone whom you share a womb with for 9 months."

"True."

"She'll be down in a week; she knows that I'm not ready to be someone's mom. I can't be someone's mom, but she wants to be there for support."

"You don't think she'll tell your mom do you."

"I trust Kate more than I trust anyone else, she won't." I said. "She knows as well as I do how my parents would react and neither one of us want to see our father in jail because he killed Michael."

"Oh and your dad, of all dad's would do just that." Melanie said.

I leaned back against the seat. "He would, so Portland here we come."

_July…._

"Heads out." Mel said. "Almost there Tess."

"You're doing good sis." Kate said. "You can do this come on I know you can."

"It hurts." I said from behind gritted teeth.

One more push later and the sounds of a newborn baby's wails filled the room. "You want to see her Tess?"

I didn't know what to say to that one, part of me wanted to and the other part of me didn't want to.

"You should Tess." Kate said, "you don't want to wonder for the rest of your life and you should say your goodbyes." She moved from beside me. "Hold her, kiss her, tell her you love her knowing this is the best for both of you. I'll go call the family and tell them they have a girl."

I nodded knowing that she was right and I could see that Melanie was agreeing with her. I reluctantly took the baby from her and with tear filled eyes, said one of the hardest goodbyes of my life.


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51:

My eyes fell upon his sister, I was forced to look that way and Michael didn't loosen his grip on me any. My heart shattered as I took in what befell me. For there in his sister's arms was the sleeping child that I had given up for adoption a year ago.

"What?" I said forcing myself free from his hold, "what is she doing here? She's supposed to be in Portland with another family." I turned and looked at him not, "why, why did you do this? Savannah had a good family, she was going to be well taken care of by people who wanted to raise a child, how could you take her from that."

"You know her name." He said almost astounded that I would know that.

"Yes I know her name." I said. "Why, you didn't answer my question. Why do you have her?"

"I thought about it and the more I thought about it, I didn't want my child being raised by total strangers." He said, "she needs her family."

"She had a family." I stated. "There was nothing wrong with the one that she had, it was much better than this."

"I'm her dad." He simply stated now, "and I have every right to raise my daughter."

"You agreed to letting her be adopted. You looked me in the eyes and said that you would let the baby go." My eyes drifted back to where she was, "I don't want this. I never wanted this. You are a sick bastard you know that."

"What for wanting to be involved with my child?" He said, "I don't see how that makes me a sick bastard Tess?"

I was silent for a minute as my eyes went between him and the baby that his sister was holding. I didn't know what to think. I was shell shocked to say the least. I had never expected to see Savannah again, at least not until she was much older and then only if she had decided to find me. I felt his hand on my shoulders now.

"We can be her family Tess. You and I have the chance to be her parents as we were meant to be. I know you love her."

It was that love for her that had enabled me to make that decision. To give her to another couple who could give her everything that I didn't think that I could. While I was a mother, it didn't mean that I was ready to be someone's mother. I had been terrified and scared at the thought that I would be responsible for someone else. I had just gotten to the point in my life where I thought I could take care of myself.

"Don't turn your back on her a second time." He said as I watched him move towards his sister taking her into his arms.

I knew that I couldn't just up and leave Savannah there with him. I wouldn't be doing anyone a favor leaving her with the man who was her biological father, yet was in so many other ways a true monster.

He walked back towards me and before I could protest he had put her in my arms, he had given me that small child to hold onto as if that would change my mind and make everything all better. Had he honestly no idea how hard it had been to walk away from her the first time. I couldn't do it a second and not like this. Slowly it came to me what I needed to do.

"I need some time." I said softly as I looked at the child and then up at him, "if you expect me to drop everything and step into this life that you want you need to give me some time."

Chills ran through my body when he ran his hand through my hair pushing it all the way back from my face and if that was some loving gesture that would put everything at ease. "I understand." He said. "I can give that to you."

"I need some time alone." I said.

"I can give that to you." He held out his arms as if he was expecting me to hand Savannah back to him.

"No, I want some time alone with Savannah." I said looking at him, keeping my tone soft and even as if I was asking more than saying it. "I need alone time with her to make my decision. Please."

"I don't know about that Tess."

"Michael where am I going to go?" I said looking at him now, "do you think that I will slip into the night and never return?"

"You might."

I reached into my purse and handed over the plane ticket that was for me to get back home. "Here, you hold onto this, collateral you could say. I can't get out of town with out it." I looked at the plane ticket and then at him. "I don't have anything else that I can give to you to prove to you that I won't go anywhere. I am just asking for some alone time to sort this all out in my head. I wasn't expecting this." There were real tears in my eyes now, "it's a lot, and you are asking a lot of me. I'm not asking for much Michael just, please give me an hour with just me and Savannah, so that I can figure out how I can do this."

"An hour Tess."

"If I'm not back you call the cops what ever you need to do. I just need this time."

"You can have it." He said.

The more that I poured out the tears and kept my voice soft the more relaxed he seemed to get. "Thank you."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead, "your welcome. I know you'll make the right decision."

I just nodded as I wondered just what I was going to do now. He handed me the car keys. "Here take the car, it's reliable and her car seat is in the back."

I nodded again as I took the baby and the little diaper bag from him, my hold on Savannah still as tight as when he first put her back into my arms. He opened the door and I walked out to the car.

Gently I put her in the back seat and it was almost as if I could feel his eyes still on me. But he hadn't followed me, remaining in the house. I had never given him a reason not to trust me and tonight I needed that trust. I closed the back door and slid into the driver's seat. It took me a minute before I could compose myself enough to start the car and pull out into the even blacker Seattle night. August and it had started to rain, a warm summer rain that threatened to wash the tears from my checks as if they had never fallen.

I looked in the review mirror now at the child sleeping back there; she had stirred a little when I had put her in the car. Now here I was her mother and I was going to have to take care of her and protect her from all the bad that were in the world. I had made the choice to have my daughter adopted and that choice had been undone for me, it was up to me now to be able to step back into that role ready or not she needed me.

I drove down from Queen Anne's along by Pike's Street Market before I decided where I needed to go. I drove along Lake Washington now and the rain had really started to come down. There were two people in Seattle who could help me but I needed to trust them with everything and it would mean that I would have to come clean with the whole story and everything that I had fought so hard to keep a secret would be out in the open.

I was scared. That much I knew. There were so many reasons why I hadn't wanted to tell them and looking back those reasons didn't seem that important now. What was important was the person that I saw sleeping in the review mirror. Something inside had changed. It wasn't that I hadn't loved her from the moment that Mel and I had brought her into the world, it was that I loved her enough to know that I couldn't give her the world that she deserved, but now that world was going to have to be enough. I was going to have to make this work. Not for me, not for Ryan, not for my parents but for Savannah. She was going to have to be number one now.

I parked the car in front of my parents' house. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay there but if anyone could help me get out of this, it would be them. I was shaking now as I turned off the car and went around to get out Savannah. I was wet to the bone when I had gotten the car seat undone. Damn things, designed to keep children in them and make inexperienced parents wrecks.

The lights were on as I walked up to the front door. I was holding my baby close to me as I approached the house. I knew I needed to do this but it was much harder than I every imagined. I reached up and knocked on the door not that I needed to but I didn't have my keys with me.

There I was standing soaking wet at my parents front door with their grandchild that they didn't know existed. I was going to have to explain it all to them and hoped that they could understand but more importantly than that I needed them to help me.


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52:

I stood on the doorstep my arms shaking holding onto a child who was starting to stir, "its okay baby girl." I found myself saying. "We are going to get this all taken care of."

The door came open and I was face to face with my mother.

"Tess, come in we were worried about you." She said, "Melanie called saying you and Michael never showed up at the bar." I looked at her and the tears were in my eyes again, I couldn't hold them back. I watched as she looked at me, "who's that?"

"I need…" I started to say as I moved to get Savannah out of the rain; I didn't need her to get sick. "I need you help mom."

I watched as she quickly went to get a towel for me before coming back. She reached to take the baby from me and I almost didn't want to let go, it was as if I couldn't.

"Here hand her to me so that you can dry off." She said. "Come on well sit down."

I reluctantly let go of the child and let my mother taken her from me. I knew that I hadn't answered her question yet and that I would need to. I saw my dad come into the room and he looked at me standing there as if I was a drown rat and then at the child my mother was holding before back at me again. "What's going on Tess?"

"I didn't know…" this was harder than I thought it would be but I couldn't just stand there I didn't have the time. I was supposed to have her back to Michael in about 45 minutes. "I didn't know where else to go." I said trying to keep it together.

I felt Dad's arm go around my shoulder as we headed into the living room and he sat me down on the couch my mother within my line of sight. Still holding Savannah.

"Start at the beginning Tess honey." He said looking at me; I could see the worry that was on his face. "Whose baby is that? Why do you have her?"

I took a deep breath in, here went nothing and everything, "that's… that's Savannah, she's my… she's my… she's my daughter."

There was silence in the house now as I said that. I heard another person moving through the house now and saw Kate out of the corner of my eye. I stood up with out even thinking about it when she was in the room and went over and hugged onto her as I started crying like there was no tomorrow anymore.

"Tess." Kate said, "I'm happy to see you too."

I looked up at her and didn't have to say anything. For I knew that she had seen mom and who she was holding. "Is that who I think is it?" Kate said softly. "Oh Tess."

"Would one of the two of you explain to us what is going on here?" I heard my mother say.

I looked at Kate and then at my parents and finally at Savannah. It was Kate that finally spoke for me. I didn't have to ask her, for she just knew how upset and shaken I really was.

When she finally finished telling what she knew my parents had this look of shock and disbelief on their faces and I had this sinking feeling that they were more than disappointed with me.

My mother handed Savannah to Kate and then came over to me and pulled me into this hug and held onto me tighter than she had in a long time. "Baby," she said pulling back from me and looking into my tear stained eyes. "I wish you would have told us, given us the chance to have been there for you." She said as she softly hugged me again. "We are here for you no matter what."

It was my dad now who was scaring me for the look that was on his face was bordering being pissed off to the point of red rage. "Daddy." I said softly, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Even with the fear of Michael showing up on the front door any minute there was something more important right there now. "I didn't mean for this to happen." I watched him stop pacing for just a moment in time and he turned to look at me.

"Tess, I'm not upset with you baby girl." He said looking over away from me at his still amazingly asleep granddaughter. "I wish you would have told us about this, but I'm not going to abandon you now."

"I need to get her out of Seattle." I said softly sniffling now, "I can't just leave her with him. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't kidnap her like that, but I can't leave her with a man like that."

"I know Tess." It was my mother who spoke now. "We are going to get you and Savannah out of Seattle and back to Chicago."

"How?" I asked running my hand under his eyes. "I told him I'd have her back in an hour, my time's almost up, I have to do something and do it fast."

A side of my mother was coming out that I had never seen before, one that I didn't know that she even possessed. "It's simple." She said, "you are going to die."

"What!" I said looking at her with wide eyes now. "I don't want to die."

"Relax and trust me would you." She said looking at me and then at Savannah. "Car accidents happen, you we in one tonight."

I nodded as I could start to see where she was going with this. "Okay. I trust you." That was hard for me to say.

"You'll take my car," she said, "and you are going to hit the road and you are not going to stop until you get to Chicago." She said as she moved to gather up a few things. "Doug you'll have to get her some money, I can't have my granddaughter sleeping in a car for two days." She said taking complete control of the situation. "Better yet. Kate go back a bag, you are taking a road trip with you sister. I need someone whose calm who can drive her."

I watched as Kate disappeared from the room. We were all rushing around like there was no tomorrow now trying to set the plan that my mother concocted into motion. I never would have thought that she would have come up with something like this.

Dad and I got rid of the car the best that we could making it look like an accident while my mother and sister very quickly got things together. 20 minutes later we were all together again.

"Drive safe and we'll come to Chicago as soon as things settle down here." She said to us and we got Savannah settled into the car. "Stay on the road at night and sleep during the day. Tess you need to lay low don't call us we'll call you if we need too." She said to us.

I hugged her tightly once more, "thank you."

"Get going or this will all fall apart." She said softly to me. "Take care of her Kate."

"I will mom."

Dad stood there for a minute before he pulled me into a hug, "you'll be okay Tess." He said softly as I could tell that he was trying not to cry. "I'll see you soon."

My parents were going to have to pull off the performance of a lifetime but I had faith that they could do it. I didn't know how things were going to work out once I got back to Chicago but I had to have faith that some how eventually this would all work out. I had someone else now that I was going to have to take care of. I knew that I would have help but it was still going to be a challenge. Going from about to be married to a mother again was throwing me all for a loop. When this all started I never imagined that I would have her in my life. I thought that when I signed those adoption papers and left Portland that was the end of that chapter in my life but as it appeared now it was only the beginning.

The doors of the car were now shut as Kate, Savannah and I took off into the dark of the rain filled Seattle night. We had a lot of ground that we needed to cover and with the two of us to take turns driving we might not have to stop for long. I was going to get a crash course in motherhood over the next two days. For Savannah was now my responsibility and mine alone.


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53:

We had been on the road for several hours now and had made out way over Snoqualmie Pass and we were headed for Chicago. The nice thing about I-90 was it was a straight shot; we wouldn't have to get off the freeway. It would be about a 30 hour drive and we had plans on stopping only for gas and food.

"Do you think he knows yet?" I asked looking over at Kate driving and then peering into the backseat to make sure that my daughter was indeed still asleep.

"Hard to say." Kate said as she looked at the gas gage and then back to the road, "well have to stop in Spokane for gas."

"Thank you for all of this." I said looking over at her now as she drove.

"Tess, I'd do just about anything for you." She answered back. "And that includes a midnight get away in the dark of the night to make sure you and Savannah are safe."

"I know." I sighed softly. "I just never thought that we'd be doing this."

"Oh, neither did I." She said. "But we'll have you home and he'll be none the wiser about all of this. You are doing the right thing."

"Am I?" I said, now that we were on the road and things had settled down a little bit I could actually think about what we were doing. "I mean I just kidnapped a one year old child."

"You can't kidnap your own child."

"Yeah you can, and yes I did." I said looking over at her, "Michael is going to be furious for this one."

"Nah," She said, "you can't get mad at someone who is dead."

"We'll have to get diapers when we get to Spokane too." I said. "Now that's a phrase I never thought that I would utter."

"Get used to it." She said looking quickly over at me, "cause you have diaper duty, this auntie isn't going there."

I laughed, "okay, I'll give you that one since you are driving. I'll take the diaper duty you just worry about getting us there in one piece."

"Deal." She said as we continued on our way.

_Meanwhile in Seattle……._

Carol paced through the house. She was worried about her daughters and her granddaughter.

"Carol sit down would you; you are making me nervous about all of this." Doug said looking at her. "Tess and Kate are going to be fine."

"I know they are." She said as she sat down on the couch and curled up against her husband. "I just never thought that I would be helping Tess do something like this."

"I didn't think we'd be doing it either. And I never knew you of all people could come up with a plan like this."

"I'd do anything to protect her." Carol said softer now. "I just hope she knows what she's doing, what she's gotten herself into."

"She has no clue." Doug said hugging her, "but you never do until you have to do it yourself. She'll be okay, it won't be easy for her but she'll be okay. So will that girl of hers. She'll be strong just like her mother and her grandmother."

"And the car?"

"Looks like she lost control going down towards the Sound. Pretty remote area without a lot of houses in it. They'll never know she wasn't driving it when it hit the tress and went into the lake."

"You put the car in Pudget Soud?" Carol's eyes got wider.

"Well I couldn't leave a burning car on the side of the road, that might have gotten more attention that I wanted it too." He said with a smile. "So Tess and I decided the Sound made more sense with the current that's there, the bodies that aren't in the car wouldn't be in the car if you know what I mean."

"Makes sense but if you put the car in the Sound, how are they going to find it?" Carol asked curious now about the plan that her husband had managed to put into motion.

"Anonymous call to 9-1-1 from a pay phone on the side of the road somewhere near there." He said, "I wasn't going to use my cell phone because they could have tracked it."

"Devious, I married a very devious man."

"Nah, you just married a man who when he needs to would do anything for his kids." He said. "They should have found it by now."

"I can't believe we are doing this." Carol said laying her head against Doug's shoulder. "Pretending our baby is dead."

"Yeah I know, but in people thinking she's dead and the baby died too, well that will make things better for her and Savannah, they can start over in Chicago and you and I will go in a few days and spend some time to get to know our granddaughter."

"Oh stop saying that would you." Carol said as she gently poked him, "you have to give me a little longer to adjust to being some one's Nana."

"You'll be a good Nana." He said with a soft smile.

"Yeah I'm sure I will be gramps." Carol laughed.

Doug pretended to shutter, "not gramps we have to come up with something else. Grandpa I can live with, but gramps makes me think of an old, a very old man."

"You got it grandpa." She said as she moved to get up off the couch. "Well I should call Michael and put this whole thing into motion." Carol glanced at the clock as she reached for the phone. "They should have been back by now from the bar." She gave Doug a soft smile, "you know I'm terribly worried about my daughter." She dialed the phone and sat there waiting.

"Pendergraff Residence."

"Hey Michael its Carol." She said, "I was starting to get worried about Tess. Melanie called a little while ago from the bar saying you guys didn't show up and she's not back here yet. Is she still with you?"

"No she's not." Michael said, "she left here a few hours ago, I was hoping she was there with you."

Carol could tell that he was indeed upset when he talked with her. Carol didn't blame him for that, but yet part of her wanted to reach out and strangle him for what he had done but she'd keep that to herself as she looked at Doug. "Did she say where she was going?" Carol was playing it very cool now as she talked to him, the balance and concern and worry was just enough so that he'd have no idea. "It's not like her to be out late with out calling and letting us know."

"I have no idea, she said she'd be gone for about an hour and I haven't seen her since." He said into the phone. Carol could hear someone or something knocking on the door in the background and she looked at Doug mouthing, "I think they are there now." To him before turning her attention back to the call at hand.

"Hold on a minute could you Carol." He said.

Carol could hear him moving around, granted she might not have been there to see it but she had a pretty good idea of what was about to go down and just who that might be knocking on his door at this hour of the morning.

"Carol I have to go."

"Okay is everything alright?" Carol asked pretending to be concerned.

"I'll talk to you later." He said as she heard the line go dead.

"Be ready, we'll be getting a visit here in a little bit." Carol said looking at her husband, "and we have to be the grieving parents."

"I'll give a performance that would be sure to win an Emmy." Doug said as he gave her another soft hug, "for both their sakes."

_On the other side of Seattle…_

Michael was in shock to say the least when the police officer told him that his car had been found in the Sound. What had happened still remained a mystery but he had been told that it looked like the driver had lost control of the car coming down the wet hill and ended up going into the water.

The entire trip down there he didn't want to believe that it had been his car that had gone over the embankment but when they got there and he watched as they worked to pull the vehicle from the water, his heart sank even further, and the anger that he had when she hadn't come back was gone.

"That's my car." He said as he turned his back away from what was unfolding there on the side of the dark street. "Have you found them?" He didn't want to know the answer to that.

"Who was in the car?" The officer asked.

"My ex was…" he was started to stutter he wanted to break down and cry right there. "And my… my… my daughter."

The car was a mess. The front windshield had been shattered and there were no signs of the occupants of the car. If they had survived the crash and Tess had tried to get the both out of the car it had been a futile attempt. With the way that the rain was falling and how dark it was, she would have probably gotten turned around and unable to find the right way back towards the shoreline. Yet Michael stood there watching the divers search for them. Hoping against odds that they would have found them perhaps huddled somewhere against the shoreline that Tess was just confused and unable to find her way to somewhere safe, but the more time that passed the less likely that would be. He called every hospital in town trying to see if they had gone somewhere showed up somewhere but he got the same answer everyplace that he called. They had not received any one that fit that description.

The sun had started now to come up and the rescue workers having combed the area were calling it quits. They had told Michael how sorry they were but it appeared that they had both drowned. He gave the officers Doug and Carol's names, their address and that they were Tess's parents. He didn't want to have to be the one to tell them about this, let someone else deal with it right now. He was numb from the shock of the whole deal. How something that he had wanted so desperately could have ended like this.


	54. Chapter 54

Chapter 54:

We had made good time getting across country. Somehow we even managed to pull into Chicago at a decent hour. I parked the car in front of Aunt Lizzie's house and climbed out before moving around the car to fetch my daughter.

"Kate, wake up," I said as I leaned forward and nudged her, "we're at Aunt Lizzie's." I reached in and retrieved Savannah from the car seat, "that's a good girl." I softly stroked the back of Savannah's head, "momma's got you." I watched now as my very groggy sister climbed out of the car. "Forget it I am not carrying you." I stated, "you have to walk."

"Party pooper." She said as she managed to wake up a little more. "What time is it?"

I looked at my watch now, "uh a little after 10 am. Hopefully Aunt Lizzie is home and not working cause I'm not ready to make a family appearance at County."

"Don't blame you there." She said as she followed me up the stairs and I knocked on the door. I was bouncing Savannah a little as she was waking up a little fussy now. I didn't blame her after all she had been stuck in the car just as long as they had, and I was almost a complete stranger to her, yet she clung to me.

"Kate, Tess." Lizzie said when she pulled door open to find two unexpected faces and a small unfamiliar one. "What are you three doing here? And who's this little one?"

"Can we come in Aunt Lizzie?" I said looking at her, "I need to talk to you."

"Of course you can." She said as I watched her move to the side and the three of us slipped inside. "I didn't know you'd be in Chicago Kate."

"Neither did I." Kate said as she looked at her Aunt. "Plans change on a moments notice."

"What are you two up to?"

I looked at her, "Aunt Lizzie, this is Savannah." I said the bundle in my arms starting wake up a little more and these two dark eyes were peeking over my shoulder at her.

"Well hello Savannah." Lizzie said not getting a response from Savannah. "She's shy."

"Yeah you could say that." I answered, "just a little uprooted right now."

"Why do you have a toddler Tess?" She asked.

"Do you have some coffee by chance?" I asked. "I have a long story that you need to hear."

"Come on." She said as she led us into the kitchen.

I reached into the diaper bag and pulled out a bottle. This was all foreign to me and I was learning as I went. I had no idea what her schedule was, what she would eat, when she went to bed, I was blind to all of that and had to make a lot of it up now. I sat down at the kitchen table. A blanket wrapped haphazardly over Savannah now.

"Oh Tessie." Lizzie said as she reached over and took the baby from my lap, "here honey," she was so sweet to Savannah, wrapping her up a little more; it was as if with Lizzie she felt instantly secure now as I watched her sucking down that bottle.

"I have no idea what I am doing, how pathetic." I said as I looked over at Kate. Who simply smiled at me and patted my hand.

"Tess so now back to my question, why do you have this little peanut?"

Lizzie listened to me as I started to once again recant the entire story of how Savannah came to be and why I had her with me. I sighed when I reached the end of it. "Can you help me hide her for awhile Aunt Lizzie?" I asked. "As you can see I'm not adept at this at all and for being a doctor I really suck at this mom thing."

"Nonsense you don't suck." Lizzie said pointing a finger at me. "She's happy and healthy even after that long car ride you have done just fine. But yes I will help you as much as I can. I'm sure even Ella will help out. How could we not, she's adorable just like you were. And we'll keep you under wraps for a little while baby girl while your momma gets this all sorted out." Aunt Lizzie gave me a small smile. "You'll get it Tess." She said softly. "You have family."

I looked over at my sister. "Are you going to survive the drive back?" I asked looking at how worn out she was.

"Hell yeah." She said looking at me. "I'll stay for a day and then head back." She said, "I have the credit card."

"Don't go to bonkers sister." I said. "I don't want dad to have another MI."

"I won't." She said, "mind if I go lay down Aunt Lizzie, it's hard to sleep when Tess drives like a maniac."

"You're fine." Lizzie said, "you know where to go now skedaddle."

"Got cha." She said as she bounded up the stairs.

I watched Savannah who was watching Kate go off. Before looking back my direction and holding out those two little arms. "Me?" I said a little shocked and taken aback.

"Up." That was the simple response that I got.

"Okay." I said as I leaned over to take her from Lizzie, pulling her onto my lap.

"You won't break her Tess." Lizzie said as she watched me.

"I'm just not good with kids." I said back to her as I looked down at Savannah now who had her fingers in her mouth but seemed relatively content on my lap right now. "Even when they are my own. I didn't expect to be doing this."

"I know honey." She said looking at me, "well have to go out and get you some things for the baby. She'll need a place to sleep and nap and you'll need some clothes for her."

"Yeah I will." I was really feeling overwhelmed right now with the whole situation.

"Well take it one day at a time and go from there. You two will settle into a routine and all will be fine. It's not going to be easy but you can and you will make it through this."

"I need to talk to Ryan." I said softly now. "I have no idea how to tell him about this."

"You'll find a way." Lizzie said, "how about if I take Savannah here and we go do some shopping get her a few things that I know you will need while you talk to Ryan and I can bring her back by your apartment in a few hours." She said. "Around dinner time, give you some time to absorb all of this before you have her all by yourself tonight."

"I'd like that, thank you." I said. I felt a little tug on my sleeve, "what baby girl?" I asked softly when I saw where it had come from, "what do you need?" Not that I was expecting an answer from her small vocabulary. I had only heard her mumble a few real words in the last few hours that we had been together.

She just looked at me with those eyes of hers and held up her bottle indicating that it was empty, "ma ma." She said.

I was fighting not to cry, for that was the first time she'd put that together since we'd left Chicago and yet it might not have meant anything other than she had said it to me.

"She knows." Lizzie said with a soft smile as she touched my arm, "and it's okay to cry honey."

I had the bottle in one hand and slowly stood up with Savannah on my hip as if she'd always been there. "More huh baby girl." I said, "you thirsty after that long trip?" I sat the bottle down, quickly wiping away the tears to fill it back up again for her. "I would be too." I made short work of filling it up for her and handing it back, "there you go something to drink."

Lizzie smiled still at me. "See nothing to it is there?"

"Not to this part." I said. "It's the rest that scares me." I answered honestly.

"You can call me anytime you need me." She said, "I'll help as much as I can."

"That means the world to me thank you." I said as I hugged her with my own free hand Savannah still clung to the other. I looked at the little on as we sat back down. "Okay Miss Savannah," I said giving her a smile, "you need to stay with Auntie Lizzie and be a very good girl for Mommy." That just felt weird to say, "and you and Auntie Lizzie will go and have some fun and she'll bring you back to Mommy in a little while." I don't know why but I felt the need to explain this somehow, "and you and I will have dinner and bath time and then how about a story."

She just looked at me as if whatever I said was okay with her. I stood up and handed her over. "I don't know what to say other than good luck because I don't know her routine Aunt Lizzie." I said with a shrug of my shoulder. "I don't even know what she likes to eat."

"Don't worry you go talk to Ryan and I'll make sure you are set up for a couple of days and I'll go over some stuff with you tonight and it will go from there."

I gave Savannah a kiss on the top of the head, "bye baby girl."

"Bye, bye." She replied back giving me a small half hand baby wave.

I just shook my head as I walked out the door. Now that we were both in Chicago I was a little more at ease, worried still about Michael somehow finding out, but I knew that it would all blow over soon. Right now I needed to deal with my soon to be husband and drop the bomb that I now had a baby that I was responsible for and explain all of this. All I could do was hope that he would be as understanding about this as he had been about everything else.


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55:

I took the car and drove over the studio. The walk of those three flights of stairs seemed to take forever as I fished my keys out of my handbag and let myself in. "Ryan baby are you home?" I called out when I got inside, just being home itself was making me feel a little better but I knew that I wouldn't feel okay until he and I had this talk.

"Hey woman." He said as he came from inside the bathroom, "I didn't expect you home yet, thought you didn't get in until later tonight?"

"Change of plans." I said as I felt his arms go around me and pull me into a hug. I leaned up and gave him a soft kiss.

"You and your mom have another fight?" He asked.

"No, we didn't and things between us are better now." I answered.

"That makes me happy to hear." He said. "Hmm, I missed you."

"I missed you too." I said, "are you getting ready to leave for work?"

"No just got off not that long ago and I'm not working tonight." He said, "I wanted to be able to spend it with you after you'd been gone." There was a smile on his face that I almost hated now to have to tell him this knowing that it might not stay there for long, "so what changed your plans if you didn't have a fight with your mom? I'm curious now because I thought you three would be furiously planning our wedding."

"Come on let's sit down." I said as I pulled him over towards the couch. "There's something that I need to talk to you about." I didn't want him to worry about anything, thinking that I was getting cold feet or something. "Something came up while I was in Seattle, something that I didn't think could happen and well…"

"What Tess?" He said, "have you changed your mind about all of this, that's not exactly what someone wants to hear from their bride-to-be."

"No, it's nothing like that." I said. "I haven't changed my mind about us. That is the one thing that I can say hasn't changed Ryan. I love you, you know that don't you."

"Yes I know that and I love you too." He said back to me, "what's going on Tess?"

I sighed now not meaning to but it had been a long 36 hours and now I had to tell this story just once more. "My birthday, not this one but the one before, when I was in Seattle." I said "my friends threw me a party and I had way to much to drink. A friend from the hospital volunteered to take me home, and Melanie, trusted him to get me home with out me getting into any trouble. Follow me so far?"

"Yeah I follow you. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything but I follow you. So this guy who was supposed to take you home, what happened?"

I put my hands in my head, I was so tired of admitting this to people to have to remember it over and over again like this that I didn't know if I could keep the tears from falling anymore.

"Tess, honey what?" He said looking at me.

I didn't look up but I could hear the concern in his voice almost as if he was afraid of what I had to say, just as I was afraid to say it. "That night I didn't know what had happened, I don't remember it. I remember being at that party and then stumbling up the stairs at my parents' house and having my mother have to help me find the bed."

He didn't say anything when I finished saying that and I didn't move my head to look at him either. "I'm not proud of it and I didn't tell anyone because I thought that it was something that I had done, that because I had been drinking that it was okay that this had happened."

"Tess why honey, why are you telling me this now, did he do something to you when you were in Seattle?"

I took a deep breath in I started crying, while the tears were silently streaming down my cheeks it was just really hard to talk right now.

"I will kill him." Ryan said softly muttering as he put one arm around me in this awkward attempt to comfort me, but I could feel his anger radiating from him now.

It took me a minute to get it back together enough to talk again. "He didn't do anything like that when I was in Seattle. I wasn't there long enough." I said as I managed to bring my eyes up to look at him.

He let go of me and pulled away a little, "get to the point of this Tess." His tone was really short with me right now. "There's a reason that you feel you have to tell this to me so what is it."

I stood up off the couch now not meaning too but I needed to put a little distance between us because there was just way to much tension in the air. Neither of us seemed to be there for the other one right now and I didn't think what I was about to say was going to help this any. "I'm trying to get to the point, I'm trying to explain this to you the only way that I know how." I said to him now as I turned back around to face him.

"Well then get there Tess cause my patients is running out pretty fast and I'm a pretty patient guy." He said to me.

"I found out what had happened a few months later." I said looking at him. "He got me pregnant." I watched the color drain from Ryan's face when I said that. "I had the baby and gave it up for adoption to a family in Portland." All I could now was watch as he took a couple of steps back and slumped back onto the couch. "Mom set up drinks with some of my old friends, well they got called into a trauma and I got roped into going to the bar with him."

"And?" He said looking at me, "I do not understand this Tess."

"He took me back to his house rather to the bar; he had gone to Portland and contested the adoption with out telling me. I walked into that house thinking we were having nothing more than another fight and he didn't want to have it in public. But she… but she…" I was crying again, it wasn't that I didn't want to tell him but I was not getting a good feeling about any of this and it was taking its toll on me.

"She what, she who Tess?" He said.

"Savannah was there. The baby I thought was in Portland was in Seattle with him. I couldn't leave her with that man. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had left her with a man who could do something like that to me, what he would do to her." I said. "I convinced him to let me spend some time alone with her, and I went to my parents, I took Savannah and I went to them and we came up with a plan so that I could get her away from Seattle and away from him. She's here in Chicago."

"You have a daughter." He said. "You have a daughter and you are just now telling me about her?"

"I thought she was in Portland being raised by a family who wanted to raise my child. A couple who were to a point in there life where they were ready to have children. I wasn't there yet. I wasn't ready emotionally to be her mother. I'm still not. I said my goodbye, I kissed her little head and I handed her over thinking that I was never going to see her again. That she was better off with them than she ever would have been with me. I tried not to think about her, I told myself that this was for her own good. I didn't think it would ever come back like this."

"You should have trusted me enough to tell me Tess." He said, "I'm going to be your husband and this doesn't just affect you, it affects me too."

"I never thought I would see her again." I said again to him. "I didn't think it would ever be an issue. I would have told you if I thought that it was that important."

"It is important Tess. I want kids I really do, but this is not what I had in mind." He said as I watched him get up from where he was sitting. "I thought that we had something going here, that there was unconditional trust between us."

"I do trust you, that is not an issue Ryan." I said, "I hadn't told anyone, the only people who knew where the baby's father and my best friend and sister because they were there. I kept it from everyone else that I love, including you. But it wasn't because I didn't trust you." I could feel my cheeks wet with tears now again.

"It doesn't matter Tess." He said, "it doesn't matter who you did or didn't tell. It doesn't matter that you had a baby. But it hurts to know that you have only told me because you were forced to."

I watched as he walked over and picked up his coat. "Please don't go." I found myself saying. "Don't walk out over this please."

"I have to go Tess." He said not looking at me now.

"No you don't have to go, we can work through this. I love you, you love me, and we can get past this." I was nearly sobbing uncontrollably now.

"I'll uh get my stuff later when you're not here." He said as his arms slipped into his jacket, "when your working or something and leave the key on the table."

"No please. Don't do this to us." I took a couple of steps towards him not reaching out for his arm.

He pulled away from me now, "I didn't do Tess. You did." He reached the door now and put his hand on it, "I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone but I can't do this right now Tess." He pulled the door open, "I'll see you around."

I watched him walk out the door and it close behind him before I sank into the couch and had the longest and hardest cry of my life. I might have had my daughter in my life now, and for that in some small way I was grateful for this second chance, but I just watched the man that I had come to love with everything that I was walk out of my life… for good.


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56:

I sat on the couch and cried until I had no more tears left inside of me and finally decided that I needed to move. I walked in and turned on the shower to get cleaned up a little bit before my daughter was returned to me. Even though she was only a year old I didn't want her being returned to a mother whose eyes were bright red from crying. Yet while I was in the shower somehow more tears that I didn't know I had managed to fall. I had never been so upset and devastated as I had been watching him walk out the door without hesitation. It wouldn't have been any easier if he had hesitated though. I don't know what else I could have said to him that would have changed his mind about leaving. Perhaps in some messed up way, for now this was the way that things needed to be. It would allow me to focus all of my energy on being a mother. A role I knew very little about but yet needed to be able to fill.

I didn't know if he was as upset as I was right now, but I really didn't have the time to think about it. I would just drive myself crazy if I focused on the, what might have been, right now there were more important thing. The first and foremost important thing was that I needed to pull myself together and get my act straight so that I could be the mother that Savannah deserved.

I changed my clothes and got a load of laundry done. I would need to return to work soon. I had only taken three days off but I'm sure that I could manage to weasel another one if I needed to, but then I would need the money to be able to put a roof over Savannah's head too. Double edge sword there. I'd figure something out, after all Aunt Lizzie said that we could talk when she brought Savannah back and I needed someone here that I was close to, to help me get through this. Or to at least point me in the right direction, I was flying blind on nothing more than a wing and a prayer.

I had the apartment cleaned and somewhat child proofed by the time that I heard a knock on my door and I headed to answer it. "Hey Aunt Lizzie, there's my baby girl." I said as Savannah came flying back to me. She had a smile on her face. "How was she?"

"An Angel just like I thought she would be." Lizzie said as I watch Kate come into view with an arm full of stuff and we both moved out of the way.

"Be back in a few minutes." Kate said as she disappeared again.

"We did some shopping for you, and don't you worry Kate will bring it all up. She's a strong girl and needs the exercise." Lizzie said.

I picked up Savannah again as we walked over to the couch and sat down. She appeared to have missed me more than I thought she would have considering I had come back into her life like a freight train and taken her away from her home in the middle of the night. "I missed you too baby girl." I said softly as I snuggled her next to me.

"How did things go?" Lizzie asked as we watched Kate come in, drop another armful and then disappear again.

"He left." I said, without meaning to I squeezed Savannah even closer to me. "I tried to explain it and he left. I'll be okay." I said not sure if even I believed that. "I need to focus on Savannah right now."

She just nodded softly when I told her. "He'll be back." Lizzie said, "three days without you again and he'll realize that he's miserable and that his life isn't the same without you in it."

"Really its okay Aunt Lizzie, some things aren't meant to be, and this is one of them. I will move on and you know I can give my attention else where with out fear of forgetting someone."

I watched my sister come in and out again. What had the bought out several stores, how could one small thing need that much stuff? Made me wonder even more if I was just that clueless as to what I had gotten myself into, more hoping that the two of them had just gone bananas shopping.

"You're handling this much better than anyone else I know." My aunt said as she patted my leg. "She's taken to you like no tomorrow. But then she could just be happy to be with her mom again. There's always something comforting in having them around."

"Makes me miss mine." I said softly relaxing into the couch a little more with Savannah snuggled on top of me. "Be much easier if she was here."

"You'll do just fine. I can't reassure you enough with words, but in a few weeks it will be like you had been doing it your whole life." She said, "well until she hits those teenage years, but you have awhile before that happens."

Kate came back in again this time she closed the door and headed for the kitchen. "We got you all kinds of good stuff to feed the baby." Kate called from in there.

"And your sister there had a hay day spending money on Savannah." Aunt Lizzie said. "I had to stop her from going insane with the clothes."

"That doesn't surprise me." I said.

Kate came back out of the kitchen now. "Where do you want her bed?"

"Uh, up by mine." I said as I pointed up the few stairs that raised the sleeping area above the living room. I watched as Aunt Lizzie started pulling some clothes out of the bag.

"We got her some pajamas and some clothes, socks, shoes, everything she should need." She said as started to show me the things they had gotten.

"Bankie." Savannah said when Aunt Lizzie pulled out a blanket from the bag.

"You want this sweetie?" She said looking at her.

"Pweese."

"Here you go then." She handed it over and Savannah covered herself up slightly and I pulled it the rest of the way over her. "I got you some children's books so that you would have something to read to her tonight. And some of that really great smelling baby bath." She smiled a little more, "nothing like the smell of a clean baby."

"Aunt Lizzie I don't know if I can do this." I said.

"Yes you can." She replied back to me. "You will be fine and I am just a phone call away if you need me which I am sure that you won't."

I just looked down at Savannah; she looked so much like me, just a much smaller version and appeared so tiny next to us both. It took me a minute before I finally nodded, "I'm sure your right. I'm just nervous. You know first time parent things but rather than a baby I have a toddler."

"Child proof," Aunt Lizzie said as she stood up, "I'll meet you back at the house Kate."

"See you soon Aunt Lizzie." I heard her call back from where she was putting the bed together for Savannah.

"I'll see you later." Aunt Lizzie said as she started to put her coat back on, "bye Savannah."

"Bye, bye." Savannah answered with her smile that could instantly melt your heart, or maybe it was just my heart that it had that effect on.

"You work tomorrow?"

"Yeah I am supposed to do the 7 am shift." I said.

"I'll drop Ella off on my way by then." She said. "She can stay with her tomorrow and at work we can look over your schedule and see what we can't work out okay." She said as she hugged me, "we'll make sure you are taken care of little one."

"Thank you." I said with a soft smile for my Aunt.

"No problem, take care and don't let her walk all over you."

"I'll try." I answered back as I watched my Aunt leave. "Guess it's just us and your Aunt…"

"Ah Shit!" I heard a voice yell.

"Kate!" I yelled back, "watch it, I don't need a daughter with a sailor's mouth."

"Sorry Tess." I heard her answer back.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah I'm fine." She said as she appeared from up there. "It's together but you might want to have dad take a look at it when he and mom come to visit."

"She can sleep with me for now I guess." I said, "I don't see a problem with that."

"Okay." She said as she sat down on the couch next to where Savannah and I were. I had a toddler curled up on me and she just didn't seem to want to move right now.

"She has taken to you." Kate said. "Guess that's a good thing."

"I guess." I said, "she's pretty quiet though, don't know how long that will last."

"You are just nervous." Kate said looking at me, "I was so proud of you the day she was born."

"Why is that?" I asked as Savannah wiggled her way down deciding that she was going to explore her new environment, perhaps she finally felt safe and secure again.

"I don't think I could have done what you did. And now here you are faced with this and you are so strong."

"I'm not strong." I said keeping a very watchful eye on Savannah now so that she wouldn't get hurt. "I'm doing what I need to do and I know that no one will do it for me, so it's up to me. That doesn't make me strong."

"You could have complained about this, played the victim, you could have thrown this giant fit and walked away from it all, but you didn't. You stood your ground and did what you thought was right for Savannah no matter what." She looked at me, "we need a nickname for her."

"Why, she doesn't need a nickname." I said looking towards my daughter, "ah, Savannah no baby no." I said jumping off the couch and running for her. "Owie." I said trying to make my point that she would get hurt if did that. "I don't have any toys for this child." I said, "how am I going to keep her occupied and out of trouble."

"Aunt Katie to the rescue." She said pulling a bag out from behind the couch. "Here Savannah." Kate said holding out a doll for her, "want to play with the baby doll."

Savannah just nodded and waddled back to where Kate was happy to have something to do I think. I wasn't sure but it didn't take much for Kate to have Savannah in the bag and pulling out various toys for her to play with.

"You being an Auntie, it's a bad thing." I said.

"Why?"

"Because you are going to spoil her rotten." I said looking at her, "you bought her way to much Kate. She just a baby what's she going to do with all this other than make a mess?"

"Oh god."

"What?" I said, "she'll pull it all out and play with it and soon it will be scattered all over the house, toddlers do not pick up after themselves that's what they have moth… oh god."

"Yeah see you sound just like someone I know."

"Mom." I said throwing my head back. "Two days and I sound like my mother."

"Just goes to show how well she did." Kate said poking me. "What do you say, you and I and my niece go down we get something to eat before I head back tomorrow for Seattle." She said, "because you know I have to attend my twin sister's funeral."

"Yeah well don't get used to being an only child." I said, "sure why don't we go and get something to eat, feed my baby girl, and then," I walked over trying not to be nervous when I did anything with her, scooped her up and tickled her belly, "little baby girl here gets a bath." I blew raspberries on her exposed stomach.

I had to grin when it my actions were responded to by a mountain of giggles. "Eat." She said. "Eat."

"Yes we shall baby girl." I said turning her back upright. "Shall we go and eat Aunt Katie." Savannah wiggled free of my hold and seemed to have warmed up to both of now almost giving that feeling that we had never been apart. She reached up and grabbed Kate's hand, "eat." She said as she pulled on her. "Katie eat."

"Yes baby girl." She said with a smile. "I think we've found her nickname. And you have lost yours."

I reached down and picked Savannah up with a smile on my face now, this was my daughter, my life and she was now my family. "I couldn't think of anyone better to lose it too." I smiled at Kate now as we headed out, sisters and niece to get something to eat before she went to Aunt Lizzie's house to sleep before she hit the road.

I came back home with Savannah making our way up the stairs and back into the apartment, where I gave her a bath and put on the pajamas that Aunt Lizzie had gotten for her. Fixed her a bottle and then she and I climbed up on my bed with her new blanket wrapped around her. I read her a bedtime story to get halfway through and her eyes were closed. I laid there next to her just watching her sleep now before kissing her head and putting the book on the nightstand next to the bed. There was something special about this, I couldn't put my finger on it but I just knew this was how my life was supposed to be.


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57:

It had been almost a month since I had fled Seattle with Savannah now and we had completely settled in, had our routine down and both had adjusted to life with the other. We were mother and daughter and she was a stubborn one at that, but I was managing just fine on my own.

My parents were supposed to fly into tonight, telling everyone that they were visiting Aunt Lizzie and Nana, glad that they had an excuse to come to Chicago and I was looking forward to seeing them, showing them how well I was doing.

"Come on baby girl," I said as I was rushing now to get out of the house.

"No Go." I heard from behind me.

"Coat on Savannah." I said trying to have something that resembled being stern in my voice.

"No go, no go." I heard again from behind me again.

I loved the addition to her vocabulary right about now. This was not the morning not the time for independence to come streaming out. But toddlers had their own agenda and schedules and seemed to think that we needed to abide by them.

"Savannah Katherine Ross." I said this time meaning it, "it's time to put your coat on we are going to go."

I grabbed up the last of the things that I needed turning around to come face to face with a toddler with her arms crossed over her chest refusing to budge. It threw me completely off guard because for a moment I could have sworn that was my mother standing there looking at me. "Nope, not today," I said setting down my things and trying to get her into her jacket. I realized that wasn't going to happen either but I needed to make it happen it was September and while it wasn't cold outside there was a chill to the air and the last thing I needed was my daughter getting sick.

Finally coat on and now only 20 minutes late I picked back up my things and went to take her hand so that we could go only to find that she wasn't about to walk for me. "Savannah bad day for independence." I said as I scooped her up balanced my things and headed for the EL. She was going to start the daycare today as Ella was starting school and she wouldn't be able to take her in the morning.

I did however manage to get us both to the hospital in one piece and not forget anything. I ran up the stairs to drop her off and once she was check in and off being mad at me with other kids I headed back down to the ER.

"Bad Savannah day?" I heard someone behind me ask.

I turned around slipping my arms into my lab coat, "yeah you could say that." I said, "Abby I don't know how I am going to make it with this child."

"Lots of patients and prayers." Abby said with a smile, "because I have to bear bad news, it only get worse."

"Thanks after this morning that's all I needed to know." I threw my stethoscope around my neck to head out to work. "She didn't want cereal, toast wasn't what she wanted either, pop tarts, nope she refused to touch those too." I said, "then she didn't want to wear what I had laying out, and the battles just went on from there."

"The joys of motherhood." She said back to me. "She's a cutie though."

"Thanks, but that only gets her so far." I answered as I headed out to get started on the patients that I needed to see before I got much further behind.

I worked until lunch and was going to go up and see Savannah but by the time I had gotten to go on break it was their naptime and I wasn't going to butt in on that or I would have a grumpy toddler tonight. I grabbed a cup of coffee and headed outside for some fresh air. Ah even mother's need five minutes to themselves I would feel guilty about not seeing her on my break some other time. It wasn't overly warm but it wasn't to the point where it was cold enough to need to have a coat on, my lab coat managed to provide just the right amount of warmth.

"How are you doing?" I heard a voice say from behind. Startled I couldn't help but jump as it took a moment for that voice to sink it as to whom it belong too. And as I turned around it was to see Ryan standing there. We hadn't said anything to each other since I had gotten back from Seattle and I was a little surprised that he was talking to me.

"I'm doing okay." I answered, "and you?"

"The same." He said as he kicked at the ground. Pausing for a moment before he said anything. In the air around us you could almost this awkwardness. "I was wondering, if you weren't busy tonight, if we could maybe sit down and talk."

"Yeah I suppose that would be okay." I said giving him a soft smile. "Savannah goes to bed around eight. My parents are coming in but there flight isn't until later and I don't think that they will be by tonight since Savannah will be asleep."

"We don't have to wait for her to go to bed." He said looking at the ground now and not at me, "I could bring over dinner for the two of you."

"If you want." I said. "I don't want you to think that you have too."

"No I'd like to bring over dinner for you both." He said still looking at the ground. "How about 6, is that okay or is that too late for Savannah."

"No that's fine." I said as I watched him. He was almost acting really shy around me and I wasn't sure why.

I looked at him and then away, I didn't know what else to say to him. I wasn't sure what he wanted to talk to me about. Maybe Aunt Lizzie had been right and he was unhappy now that I was gone. I was sad that we had broken up but I had Savannah and she had managed to keep me so busy that I wasn't sure half the time if I was coming or going with her. Having her gave me less time to focus on the heartache that I had. That didn't mean that it wasn't still there because it was. A month time wasn't nearly enough to get over it and push all those feeling that I had developed for him simply slip away as if they were never there.

He reached down towards my hand, slowly now as if he was afraid that in touching it one of the two of us would burst into flames. He looked at my hand for a moment; you could see a softer smiled forming on his face now. My hand was in his as he gently held onto it, "you still wear it."

I looked down at my hand and then back up at him. For some reason that even I didn't understand I wasn't able to instantly form the words to say anything. I got the feeling that we were this awkward young couple, unsure of each other, and unsure of what we were feeling ourselves. Afraid to admit anything, for fear that the other one wouldn't feel the same way.

"You didn't ask for it back." I said softly now with a tremble in my voice. "I thought that if you didn't want me to wear it… you… you would have asked for it back."

"I don't want it back." He said his voice so soft now I could barely hear it above the breeze blowing past us. "It is right where it belongs. Where it was intended to be."

"Are you sure?" I said trying not to choke on my words as I spoke them. There was sadness in my eyes that few people could see. I might have tried to pretend that he leaving hadn't hurt but I knew better in my heart. Part of me wanted nothing more than for the two of us to find a way to get back on the path that we had been on, the other part of me was scared to do that for the fear that we couldn't do it, that we would somehow never find a way back to that time where we loved each other unconditionally.

"I am as sure today as I was the day I put that there." He said. There was a comfort in the way that his voice didn't quiver and the certainty that it held. "Nothing has changed between us Tess, not when it comes to what I feel for you." He brought my hand up laying it where I could feel his beating heart against the palm of my hand. "I still feel the love for you inside my heart that I always have. I was a fool to throw it away and walk away from you when you needed me and I hope that you can find it in your heart to let me back in. I should have told you soon and not waited so long. I just needed time to figure it all out, to make sure that this was the right thing for me, for you."

"Of course I can." I reached up wiping the tears away from my eyes. I had been listening carefully to what he had been saying taking in every word. "But I come… I come as package deal, if you want to be with me… Savannah comes too because I can't chose between you and her. After everything that has happened and everything that will come no matter what my choices are I will always chose her."

"Tess I wouldn't have it any other way. She's a part of you, I love you and anything that's a part of you, and how could I not love that." He reached up putting his hand under my chin bringing my eyes up to meet his so that as he spoke he was looking directly at me. I knew that he was being honest and sincere with me, not filling my head with the things that he thought I needed to hear, but telling me what he honestly felt, to fix what had gone wrong between us and move forward with our relationship. Not give it a temporary patch, but to really make it work. "Your family will be my family and your daughter will be my stepdaughter. I will love her as if she was my own flesh and blood for she's your flesh and your blood."

I stood there for a minute as I took in what he had said to me. My eyes were fixated on his and everything that was showing through them. Looking into someone's eyes you could almost see straight into their soul. It was what I saw in those eyes that told me so much more than he could have ever expressed with words. I moved throwing my arms around his neck and hugging him close to me. I had missed him; I just didn't want to admit it to anyone, not even to myself. "I love you, you know that." I said from behind the tears that were flowing down my face. "Just promise me, promise me you'll never leave me again." My hold on him tightened now, "I don't think I could survive you walking out like that again."

I felt his arms tighten around me as he held me as close to him as we could physically get. "I won't leave you Tess." He said, "I promise that I will never leave you. I won't hurt you like this again, I swear. I will talk to you and I know that you will talk to me and things will never get to that point again. I won't let them."

We stood there in the bay for a little while longer, he held onto me until my tears had subsided and I was no longer crying. He dried my eyes and for the first time in a month he and I walked arm and arm back into the hospital and back to work. All I could do was hope that we would be able to make this work. I was afraid of having my heart broke again, and now I had to consider the impact that this would have on Savannah. I'd find out in a few hours if she even liked him. Getting your girlfriend to forgive you for Ryan might have been the easiest part of the whole deal, for now he had to contend with my very temperamental toddler.


	58. Chapter 58

_A/N: Sorry about how long it took me to update but ack holidays... I'm glad they only come once a year cause Santa sure gets busy. I want to take two seconds here to thank everyone for reading and all the positive reviews hope that I can keep giving you a good story. I want to thank Misslissy for her encouragement and help when I hit writer's block. She gave me some new found inspiration that I needed. Okay so now I will stop with all the mush and thank yous and let you enjoy the next chapter of "Showing Them All Up."_

Chapter 59:

I managed to get Savannah home, not easy feat, seems that she rather enjoyed being in the hospital daycare with all the other children. Going home was not appealing to her when I picked her up.

We fought all the way to the EL, the ride home was rather hair raising and I got more than one look from the other tired passengers with my toddler acting out. I was frustrated by the time I got to the door of my apartment and she had finally stopped screaming at the top of her lungs.

I watched her waddle off, that newly acquired baby walk of hers to find her favorite toy sitting down with it, not longer seeming to want to pay attention to me. I flopped down on the couch where I could see her. I had things that I needed to be doing but right now the couch seemed to have taken priority.

"Savannah what am I going to do with you baby girl?" I said looking at her. She didn't even look up from her play when I spoke. Selective hearing had to have set in. I wondered if my mother had this much trouble with me. Granted she had two of us to deal with too, and I just had the one.

She had gone and grabbed, what had become her favorite blanket and then curled up next to me on the couch. She had two of her fingers in her mouth contently sucking on them. I put an arm around her hugging her closer to me, "you think you had a bad day?" I said looking down at those two dark eyes that were looking up at me "is that what all of this is about?"

I didn't get an answer from her, not that I was expecting one. A lot of our conversations tended to be one sided. So I just sat there holding onto the little one who had come back into my life. That is until there was a knock on the door. I was pretty sure who it was and I was hoping against odds that my daughter would have settled down enough from her day so that tonight wouldn't be a total wash. It had been a long time since I had, had dinner with Ryan and I had no idea what to expect from Savannah.

She didn't seem to want to let go right now either. So I had to picked her up making sure that I got blanket and child for fear of her whole world coming unraveled if it got left behind. The last thing that I wanted to was to pull the door open with a screaming child in my arms. I reached for the door pulling it open. "Hey come on in."

"Hey yourself." Ryan said as he put a soft kiss on my check. "I'm assuming that's Savannah?"

"Yeah that she is." I said. "You could say she wanted some mommy time."

"I can see why." He said with a smile.

Ryan was keeping a little bit of distance between him and Savannah and I wasn't sure if that was because he was afraid he'd spook her or if he was a little bit afraid of her. Not that I would blame him for the later. I wasn't all that comfortable the first time that I held her, afraid that I would break her in two. I walked back towards the couch and sat back down; I could see her peeking at him from under the safety of her blankey.

"What did you have in mind for dinner?" I asked looking at him and then at her. "I need to think about making sure baby girl here get something to eat."

"I wasn't sure what she liked, so was thinking that I could just order from here when I knew what you two girls wanted."

"What cha want to eat baby girl?" I said looking down. "Do you want Ryan to get us a big cheesy pizza?" I said as I played a little bit with her trying to get her to come from under the blanket now.

"Peat saw."

"Is that okay with you?" I said looking at Ryan now.

"Peat saw" She crawled out from her hiding spot just enough so that I could see those eyes now looking at Ryan as if she was waiting for him to say something back to her.

"Pizza it is." He said as he stood up and headed to the phone to order dinner.

"Are you going to come out of there for pizza baby girl?" I said looking at her. "Ryan won't bite you I promise you might find him fun."

She shook her head a little bit not moving a whole lot. "Sweep" She said as she let out a very big yawn.

"I see." I answered pulling her more into my lap. "You had a very big day today." I told her, "how about you stay awake long enough for the pizza and then bath and bed."

She didn't say anything. She had gotten into her comfort zone and I knew if I didn't make her move that she'd be out like a light pretty soon. "Come on Savannah, how about you find baby for mommy."

She reluctantly climbed down. I could tell my poor baby was tired. She probably didn't get in a long enough nap now that she was among all those other kids and we did have to get up pretty early this morning. I might have to readjust the schedule a little so she got enough sleep. But it made the fit on the EL seem more fitting now rather than just hating me.

"Should be here in about 20 minutes." Ryan said as he sat down again near me.

"She's usually a little friendlier than this." I said pushing my hair back from my face. "We just had a change of schedule today and I don't think she's gotten enough sleep." I shifted on the couch so that I could see where she had gone off to. Not that she could get very far in the studio and I had done some serious child proofing over the last few weeks, but I also knew the word no and wasn't afraid to use it anymore.

"Baby." She said as she tossed the doll at me. "Baby."

"Yeah you found her." I said as she put her hands on her little hips again, "oh no you don't." I said scooping her up and starting to tickle her all over, half to keep her awake and the other was I knew where that look was trying to get her. "I'll tickle baby girl." There were shrieks now coming from the child squirming trying to get free from the tickles but she wasn't trying overly hard. Ryan just sat there smiling at the two of us as if he found it cute or something along those lines. "What?"

"Nothing," he said with a smile and a soft shake of the head.

"Giggle." Savannah said.

"Giggle," I held her close to me, "you think?" I watched her smile a little now. I would take the good mood that I could get from her right now and go with it until the tired crankiness set back in again.

"Giggle," she pointed at Ryan now. I heard him laugh, and I knew that's not what she wanted.

"That's my brave baby girl." I said now as I smiled at him. "You can."

She leaned back away from me and towards him and reached her small little hand out, I was amazed at how tiny it looked next to him. "Giggle, giggle, giggle." She said as she moved her little fingers almost in a scratching motion rather than a tickle, but she was getting the hang of it.

Ryan looked at me. "Laugh," I said as I covered it up with a cough so that it wouldn't be all that obvious to Savannah, or I was trying to hide it from her.

He let out a soft laugh and then with a gentle touch that I had never seen him use before reached over and softly tickled her sides. She laughed, it wasn't the same kind of laugh that I had gotten from her but it was still a laugh. It would probably take a little while for her to warm up to him.

We sat and made small talk while we waited for the pizza to come and I of course had to keep a tight eye on Savannah. Exploration now that she was mobile was one of her favorite things to do and she could get around the small loft without much trouble. She'd already discovered the joy of emptying out my dresser drawers, well the two that she could easily reach.

Pizza came and Savannah was as happy as ever. It was one of the foods that I could consistently get her to eat and she didn't wear all of it. I think she liked it just because of the fact that she could be a big girl and eat it herself with out having to have someone help her.

I got her down and then Ryan sat on my couch while I gave her a bath and got her ready for bed. She had her blanket and her baby as I tucked her into our bed. It had become that until I could get someone to double check the one that Kate put together because no offense my sister was many things just not adept at putting things together, and she had given me more than one trip to the ER trusting in her ability to get something together. I kissed the top of her head made sure that the night light was on for her and that she was safely in bed with heavy eyes before I walked back down to Ryan sitting on the couch.

"Sorry that took so long." I said debating on whether or not I should snuggle up beside him or not. While we might have gotten back together I wasn't sure just how close that together was.

"No problem." He said putting an arm around me and pulling me into him a little bit more now. "You are really good with her. I didn't think you had that in you."

"I'm full of amazing talents." I said, "bath time is nothing, you should see me when we have the real battles."

"So," he said softly now, "I think we need to talk."

"About what?" I said unsure of what conversation he though we needed to have.

"Well how about we start of on something happy first and then move from there." He looked down at me as I looked up at him.

"Something happy?" I asked inquisitively.

"Yes something happy. I don't know quiet where we stand on the wedding with the bumps in the road and all but I am thinking, and have been thinking about it since we parted tonight, that we need to find us a bigger apartment."

"I can't afford anything bigger Ryan." I said looking down for a minute, "I'd love for Savannah to have her own room and all but I'm stretched pretty thin with daycare and rent and all the other new found expenses that have come along with her."

He put his hand under my chin. "We," he repeated, "Savannah, Tess and Ryan need a bigger apartment. You and I need space, she needs space, I mean don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with sharing a bed with your child and all, and I can understand why you do you, but there's not room for three, we barely fit. I know I am going to have to share you, but I also want to know that there's a time when it's going to be just us alone in a room."

I nodded back in response. "Are you sure about all of this?" I asked, "I mean really sure about it. Taking on me and now Savannah, that's a lot of someone to ask of you."

"Yes I am sure." He answered back, "I know I'm not her Dad and I never could be her dad, but I can try and be the next best thing. Give her and you a family, something to call a family."

"You are family." I said smiling softly, "and you are never going to be the next best thing, you will be her dad in every way that counts." I kept my voice soft as to not to wake up Savannah if she had fallen asleep. I let silence fill the room for just a moment putting my hand up to his lips just to listen thinking that I had heard something but I had to have been mistaken.

Ryan leaned in to give me a small kiss when I felt something bounce off our heads and I looked up to see a toddler standing there with her Nerf bat ready to take another swing at us both. "No." She said rather matter of fact to both of us.

"Sorry." I said as I tried to stifle a laugh. I had just been bopped by my daughter for kissing a man. "Savannah, that's not nice you say sorry to Ryan." I tried to be stern with her. She muttered something as I picked her up and carried her back to the bed. "Good night young lady." I said as I once again kissed her forehead and pulled the covers around her. "You need to be nice to mommy's friend." I said softly to her, "he's a good guy and he's going to be around."

"Kay." I heard her reply back.

"He wasn't hurting mommy." I said softly, "close your eyes and go to sleep baby girl. Everything's going to be alright I promise." I kissed her once more before standing up and walking back down to where I had been. Knowing that promise I had just made her was one that I could keep.

"I'm really sorry about that Ryan." I said as I took my spot next to him on the couch.

"Is she going to do that every time?" He asked with a smirk on his face, "I need to know if I have to watch my back when I go and kiss you."

"Nah, you're just different to her and I'm not sure what she thought she was doing or why she was doing it. But I think that in time she'll get used to the two of us being together and used to you. It's just all really sudden for her that's all."

"So where were we with our conversation?" He asked.

"You were saying we needed more space." I said, "and I was protesting it."

"We do need more space if I have to contend with a baseball bat toting daughter." He smiled at me. Something inside of me told me that Ryan was going to be the best father that Savannah could have now and well hey she hadn't managed to scare him off yet.

"Point taken, noted and well I think I might have to agree with you there." I said with a soft smile.

"Then it's settled, you and I will find the three of us a house." He said, "besides you should probably move out of here just in case." I watched and could see his chest puff up a little bit as only a man could do, "I don't know the circumstances around you leaving Seattle with her, but you shouldn't stay here. It'd be safer to move you and not leave a forwarding address."

I took his hand into mine, so that one of his arms was draped over me and I was holding the other hand leaning against him. "He thinks we're dead."

"What?" Ryan asked looked down at me.

"Very elaborate scheme that my mother came up with." I said. "We made it look like an accident and he thinks that Savannah and I died in the accident. That's why I can't go back to Seattle, why I can't even call my own family for awhile."

"Oh baby." He said as he kissed the top of my forehead. "But they are coming to see you aren't they?"

"Yeah," I said, "Aunt Lizzie is here so if anyone asks they are visiting her."

"You know I am going to worry about you two no matter what he thinks." Ryan said to me. "I don't want him anywhere near you. I don't trust him."

"You're not the only one." I answered back, "but I know that Savannah and I are safe here in Chicago."

"Well we are still going to move you. Space reasons aside, I think it'd be better if you don't have the same apartment you did." He seemed to be going into over protective mode now, "and you're changing your cell phone number and a few other things as well. If you're dead I don't want there to be anyway of tracking you."

"Honey," I said softly now, "you are too worried. There's no reason for him to even come looking for us. Really Savannah and I are safe here."

"If your parents were worried enough to fake your death, then I think I have reason to be worried about you and her as well." He brought his hand now under my chin bringing my eyes up and I could see the worry in his now even more. "The wedding," he said his voice ever so soft now, "it will have to be much smaller so that word doesn't get around. I don't want some psycho chasing my," he put a lot of emphasis on the word my, "family."

I barely had time to nod a response. Before he started speaking again, "your parents are here this weekend?"

"Yeah they are why?"

"We'll do it this weekend."

"Isn't that rushing honey?" I asked, "I'm mean, we just had this big fight and well that just seems sudden. Don't get me wrong, I still do want to marry you, that hasn't changed but don't you think it would be better if we waited until spring? Give us both time to adjust to having a toddler in our relationship before adding the stress of being married to it?"

"Your parents will be here; we'll get my mom and sister and do it simple quick and quiet."

I was waiting for there to be more to that explanation than just that. He had to give me more than that.

"Tess, we'll start all over again." He said looking at me very seriously now. "A fresh start, with a new name you'll be even harder to find." He put his hand under my chin and brought me eyes up to look into his, "I love you and I acted like a jerk, I should have listened to you and not walked out like I did. But I've had time to think about it. I don't want to live my life without you in it, I need you there by my side for better or worse, no matter what. As for the added stress of your daughter and marriage, there's nothing we can handle if we talk it through and trust in each other. I want to be there, to help you, to support you in every way, not just financially but emotionally as well."

"Point taken." I said softly. I couldn't fight with a man that cute, while I did think that there were some flaws in his thinking I just couldn't flat out tell him no.

He leaned even closer to me, "after this weekend you and I will be Doctor and Doctor McDermott." I watched his eyes dart around the room for just a second before he leaned in and gave me another soft kiss, this one lasting longer than the other one and I couldn't help but kiss him back.


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter 59:

Our evening was cut short via Ryan's pager going off, meaning that he was needed at work. The fire station not the ER. I screwed on a smile for him as I kissed him goodbye. We couldn't take tonight any farther than the couch anyway due to my sleeping daughter.

I made him promise to call me when things quieted down so that I would know that he was okay. There was one fear that the wife, soon to be wife, girlfriend of ever fireman had and that was when the call went out that the next thing you would hear or see was that red car pulling up in front of your house. You would instantly know with out anyone having to say anything to you what it was there for.

That was the thing that I feared the most with his job. I think everyone that I knew feared it just the same. The fire house was an extension of family. We all did things together. You learned to trust the men that worked with your loved one unconditionally knowing that, that was the man who was going to be making sure that your loved one made it back to you. And that was exactly how I felt about those who worked with Ryan. Paul, Daniel, Craig, they were all good men and more like brother's. For me this wasn't a new feeling of fear, it was the same one that I had for months any time that call went out, and I knew that he was out there somewhere on the streets of Chicago doing one of the most dangerous jobs of all.

Yet tonight I managed to swallow back that fear that I was feeling and go upstairs and put my pajamas on and got ready for bed. I would have an early morning with my Savannah and I knew that it would be a few hours before he called if he called me back before the sun came up. I rested my head on the pillow now that I had Savannah moved over so that there was room for the two of us on the bed. She had managed to move once again now so that she was in the middle of the bed curled up next to my side. Out of habit I pulled the covers up around her and kissed her sleeping head.

I didn't move again for several hours but something was telling me that I needed to get up. I glanced over at the clock it was a little after 3:30 in the morning. I didn't need to be up yet, and wasn't sure what had caused my brain to rouse me from my sleep but something had. I walked down and made sure again that the door was locked; it was so that couldn't have been it. There had to be something else that had bothered me enough to wake me up.

As I passed by the phone it rang. I about jumped out of my skin not expecting it to be ringing at this time of night and it dawned on me I had told him to call and that's probably just what he was doing. I reached forward to grab it before it could ring again and wake my sleeping child.

"Hello." I said, fully awake and more than ready to hear that voice calling me baby and that everything was okay.

"Tess, its Craig." I could tell by those three words that something horrible had happened. Panic tinged his voice and I felt my throat close in terror.

"What happened?" The room suddenly spun around me and I forced the need to vomit back down as he spoke again.

"Can you be ready in five minutes? I'm on my way."

"Craig, tell me what happened. Is he hurt?" I had reached out to steady myself on the chair that was there. My hands were shaking and my knees felt as if any moment they were going to give out on me.

"I'll be there soon, I'll tell you on the way. Be ready."

It took me a minute to get myself collected. I grabbed my coat and threw a few things into the baby bag so that we could run out the door. I scooped Savannah up and threw a blanket over. She was still tired enough that she barely stirred which right now was probably a good thing. There was a honk and I knew that Craig was there and with the keys in one hand and a sleeping child, I locked the door and headed down to the parking lot.

I pulled the rear door open to Craig's SUV and put her in his daughter's car seat something that I didn't have with me right now, knowing that he had one and once she was buckled in I shut the door climbing into the front seat. I looked over at him.

"What's this about?" I asked.

"You're needed at County."

"Why didn't they just page me?" I gave him this look that said he needed to start talking and start talking fast.

"It's Ryan." He said, "They sent me to come and get you."

"What!" I think right there and then I started to go into shock from what he had just said. The waking up at the odd hour starting to make more sense to me right now.

"He's been hurt."

"I need more than that Craig."

"I don't know more than that Tess." He said not taking his eyes off the road.

I looked over at him and his face was jet black from being at the fire. I knew the smell as well that was coming from his clothes he hadn't been back to change. He had come straight to get me.

"Honey I would tell you if I knew really I would." He said. I could feel the tension in his voice.

"What happened?" I asked, long having given up on holding back the panic that had taken a hold of me.

"There was an accident on the scene." Craig said as he navigated the streets. "The building collapsed."

I instantly wanted to throw up; just the sound of it turned my stomach. I was a fireman's fiancée and there were some words that you never wanted to here. Those were them, it couldn't have been good if a building had come down on him, but then I knew somewhere inside of me that Ryan wasn't dead, if he was it wouldn't have been Craig that they had sent. I would have gotten that dreaded visit from the red car. As he came to a halt I threw open the car door and emptied my stomach contents a few feet from the car. The building collapsed, those words echoed over and over again in my head. I could hear the car door open and Craig's soft voice behind me.

"Come on Tess." He put his hand on my shoulder and as I turned saw that he had Savannah in his arms. He guided me towards County and into the ER.

There were firemen everywhere and one of the nurses took Savannah into the family room where she could continue to sleep promising that someone would keep an eye on her. I fought not to try to worry about that as well right now as I looked at all those men standing there in various shades of color from being at the fire, many of them you could tell had been there and from the looks on their faces were worried. It took a lot for a man to show that he was scared and I could see it on many of their faces as I passed through.

"Abby." I said as I neared the trauma room catching a glimpse of her coming out. I watched as she handed something off.

"Tess." She said coming near me. The look on her face spoke more than words themselves could of and I was having to work even harder to keep from breaking down and crying right there and then. "You can come in."

I didn't know if I wanted to. There was something about what was on the other side of those doors that terrified me.

"Come he was awake when they brought him in and he asked for you, but Carter had to intubate him when he…"

I didn't want her to finish that sentence as I walked closer to the doors. When I pushed them open and crossed inside when my eyes fell upon the gurney I lost it. I broke into hysterical tears. For what I saw was not what I was expecting, not in the least. When Craig had told me the building collapsed this isn't what I expected to find at County.

There were tears steaming down my face as I looked down at him laying there on that gurney tubes and wires where coming from every free surface of his body and where he had been burned was wrapped with wet sterile gauze. "Oh god." I said coming up to the head of the bed. I was terrified now. "Baby I'm here." I looked at all the things that were keeping him alive; I wasn't sure if he was alive in there or if it was the machines that were keeping him alive at this point in time. But the scream of the monitor right then and there reminded me of just how desperate the situation was.

"Abby get her out of here NOW." I heard Carter bark as I was pushed from the trauma room I had just entered.


	60. Chapter 60

_A/N: Okay here the next chapter I couldn't leave ya'll hanging like that. Thanks to everyone who keeps pushing me forward and the words of encouragement to keep the story going._

Chapter 60:

I watched for one brief second as Carter shocked Ryan's lifeless body and then I had to turn away heading for the nearest biowaste container and gagging, nothing was left in my stomach to come up but it went through the motions anyway.

I felt an arm go around me holding me up now as my legs were about to give out from under me. I looked up to see Craig standing on one side and Paul standing on the other.

"He'll be okay Tess." I heard Craig say.

"He's a fighter." Paul said.

"Come on, you need to sit down."

I let Craig and Paul lead me a little bit further down the hallway and sit us down on a bench. You could feel the tension and worry in the ER right now and I was terrified that this was going to be it. That tonight was the last night I was going to get to spend with Ryan and that our dreams of the future had just gone up in smoke like the building had.

"He loves you too much to let this knock him down."

I just looked up at the two men with tears in my eyes, knowing that for them this was probably just as hard as it was for me. Yet they were both sitting there trying to make me feel better. I nodded as I buried my head against Craig knowing that his wife wasn't going to get upset that I was crying on her husband's shoulder. He gently rubbed my back as we sat there waiting for news.

I sniffled now, my tears having slowed down while we were waiting, time standing still right now. "We… we were getting married this weekend." I finally managed to say. I couldn't just sit there anymore.

"I know." Craig said, "he was talking about it on the way there. I am so excited for the two of you. You make a great team. He loves Savannah and you very much."

"Oh my Savannah." I said standing up.

"Tess she's being taken care of." Paul said, "I can go and check on her if it would make you feel better."

"I can call Marcy and see if she could come and get her, take her back to the house and she can play with Mary Ellen." Craig said softly. "I know she'd love to have her, and it wouldn't be a problem right now."

I thought about it for a minute. "My parents…" I started to say.

"I can call them for you Tess if you give me a number." Paul said standing up, they were both trying to make this as easy on me as they could, knowing that I wasn't in the best shape right now.

"Jerry… Jerry would have it, they are at Elizabeth's." I said softly now. Having my dad there right now would be a godsend not that he could do a whole lot for me but I knew that I would feel better if he was here.

"I'll give them a call." Paul said as he walked away leaving me sitting there with Craig and I could see all the other's still milling around worried and concerned.

I looked over at Craig, "what happened?" I asked softly unsure if I really wanted to fully know what happened but a small part of me did.

"Are you sure you want to know?" He asked. I could hear the tremble in his voice; see his shaking hands and the worry in his eyes had been misted over with tears that had yet to be shed.

It took me a minute before I nodded, "yeah I think I do. Tell me please."

"Ryan went into the building with the rest of us to pull out survivors that were trapped. Once we got inside he and his partner headed up the stairs towards the fourth floor. They didn't know that's where the fire had started and how hot it was. There was a woman trapped and they managed to get to her, but on their way back out the floor gave way and Ryan fell through it." Craig said to me as he started to recant the story. ""Oh, God, Tess I tried to get him out sooner. I really did. I just couldn't..." Craig fell silent then, and he looked away to hide his tears from me.

I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "He was doing his job. You all were." "it's not your fault and don't blame yourself for this like I know you are doing. I know I don't and I know that Ryan doesn't. You were doing your job and he and I both know the risks that go with it." I meant what I was saying right now. "It was an accident and they happen. Good or bad what ever comes from this, you're his brother and we both love you."

"He'll be okay Tess. I know he will be." I watched him lean back against the wall fighting to keep those tears at bay. As if he didn't want to cry in front of me. "God look at me, I should be saying those things to you, not the other way around. I should be consoling you." He let out a sigh. The night was starting to take its toll on all of us.

"I hope so." I said knowing that when they shocked him that it wasn't looking good. But as his friend, Ryan's girlfriend and a doctor what I knew would stay within me. They didn't need the extra stress right now. As much as they were looking out for me, I felt a need to look out for them as well.

"Tess." Paul sat down beside me again, "they are on their way. I got a hold of your parents and they are on their way. They said to tell you that Elizabeth is coming with them and she said that she could take Savannah if you wanted her to back to either your apartment or to her house."

"Thank you." I said my voice was soft and trembling once again. We just sat there, as if we didn't know what to say to each other but then there wasn't much that we could say. It was going to be a long night, probably one of the hardest and toughest ones that I would have to face. As I glanced around the ER that night it was filled with the faces of those who worked with Ryan, the mood was very solemn. They were all gathered there out of respect for a fallen brother.

"Honey do you want me to get you some coffee or something?" Craig finally said breaking the silence that had fallen over us.

"You have one on you?" I asked knowing that he would know what I meant.

"Yeah." He said, "come on we'll just step outside in the bay."

I nodded in response. "Paul will you get me the minute they come out?"

"Yeah Tess I will." He said, "the second I see anyone I will get you."

"Thanks." I gave him a quick hug and then followed Craig. We stopped and grabbed a cup of coffee. As we walked through the waiting area, I was given small touches on the arm, small quick hugs from those who were gathered there. It was as if they all knew what I was facing with out having to say anything. And while I was stressed beyond the point of breaking there was a calmness and sense of security and support all around me during this trying time. We hit the outside and it was chillier than I remembered it being. Craig slipped his jacket around my shoulders. "You know Ryan would kill me for this."

"I think he'd understand." Craig said as he lit it and handed it over to me. "There are a few things that he does that you don't know about. And I think I just said something that I shouldn't have."

"And then he'd hurt you for giving it to me." I tried to joke with him and alleviate some of the stress that was between us. Both of us were worried and it showed. "And don't worry I won't tell him what you just told me."

"Yeah well that's just a risk I'll have to take because it's too late now."

I just kicked the ground a little trying not to spill the coffee that was in my hand.

"Tess, I know this is hard." He said looking over at me, "but you just have to have faith that it will all be okay."

"You know, when he left that night we had the fight, I was heartbroken." I said talking softly just loud enough for Craig to hear me. Another tear managed to work its way from my eyes and go rolling down my cheek. I couldn't help it; I was hurting and trying not to let it show. "I thought that I had lost what mattered most to me. And then when we were talking today it was as if we were just on this break and nothing had changed between us. That we were still us, that what we had was something better than real. When he said that he still loved me and wanted us to get married, I was overjoyed. I didn't think that I would ever find a love like his. He's my other half, he makes me whole, and now…"

"Don't give up on him Tess." Craig said as he reached over and wiped the tear from my face, "he needs you right now to keep him grounded and here with us. He won't leave you knowing that you need him. It's that faith and that love that you have that's going to keep him with us. You think you need him, but really he is the one that needs you, he just hasn't told you that. He was miserable when you two were apart, and tonight that spark that had been missing, we all knew you were together again, because it was there."

"I hope your right. I hope that I am enough to make him want to stay here. I don't want to live without him. I don't know if I can. I'm scared; I have never been this scared in my life. I've never come this close to losing one of the most important people in my life and that's what he is. Next to Savannah he's my everything." I said my eyes looking over the bay as I finished the cigarette he had given me in hopes that it would somewhat calm my nerves. "I need to get back inside. I've been out here to long and I know that Paul would have gotten me if I could go back in, but I need to be close to him."

"Yeah." He put out his and wrapped an arm around me. It was as if he needed to keep me close and make sure that I was alright. That I had someone extra special on my side tonight. "Come one we'll go back in together." I knew that he was still feeling bad that he hadn't been able to get Ryan out sooner, that somehow no matter what I said he was still going to blame himself for this. I didn't want him to feel bad about it because in my heart I knew that it wasn't and I would never blame him for it. I stopped us from walking back inside. "Craig, thank you for being here with me, for everything that you are doing." I said my voice still soft with him, "you are his best friend and I know that he'd want you to be here for me right now. That he has you watching out for me. I know that's what he'd want." I couldn't say the right thing to make this any better.

"Tess I wouldn't be anyplace else." He said looking now at me and I could tell that he was about to lose it. I gave him a hug in an attempt to let him know that as much as he was there for me, I was also there for him. "He's pretty damn lucky to have you as his woman."

We walked back inside, through the sea of firemen. The ER almost had this feeling that it was a firehouse rather than an emergency room right now. I was given more hugs and a few men spoke soft words of well wishes. Telling me to have faith that there were angels watching over him. I stood outside the trauma door now. I could see Carter and Abby standing over Ryan but from where I was I couldn't tell what was going on for sure. I couldn't hear what they were saying and was just a little too far away to be able to read the numbers on the monitor.

"Baby girl." I heard my dad say as he came up and put an arm around me. I looked up to see him and my mom now in the hallway with me. "How you holding up?"

I just shook my head burying my head against my father's chest. Feeling the safety and security there that I had always felt as a child and started to softly cry. I wasn't holding up well and I knew it and those who were close to Ryan could really sense it now. I had been trying to be so strong but yet I wasn't. With my daddy there I wasn't afraid to break down.

"How's Ryan doing?" My dad asked looking over at Craig, who had been standing there giving me someone to lean upon. None of us seemed to have an answer to that one right now, even if I had the answer I wouldn't have been able to get it out right now with the way that I was crying.

Craig looked at my father, "we don't know sir." He said in a very solemn tone. "No one has come out to tell Doctor Ross anything." I was a little surprised at how formal Craig's tone had become but I knew it was just his way of being respectful and he didn't know my parents.

I pulled away from him for a minute, "dad this is Lieutenant Craig McNeal." I paused for a moment almost stuttering from crying now. "He works with Ryan." I looked at Craig, "this is my father, Doctor Doug Ross."

I watched as my father shook hands with him. So many people around and no one had any of the answers that I needed and while I was glad to have them all there what I really wanted was to know how Ryan was doing. I gave my mother one single simple look and that was all that it took, it was as if she could have at that moment read my mind.

"Doug why don't you see if you can find anything out?" I heard Mom say to Dad. "Tess honey why don't you and I go and get Savannah and Aunt Lizzie can take her home."

I nodded and started down the hallway as Dad went in to talk to Carter and Abby. My Mom wrapped her arm around me as we headed to the family room where Savannah was sleeping. I slowly pushed the door open and saw one of the nurses sitting there with her. She looked so peaceful sleeping there on the couch, so innocent and unaware of what was going on around her. She was the one shinning light in my life right now and I was very thankful to have her back in my life.

I picked my daughter up and for one moment in time held her close to me. She didn't stir and I was amazed at how she was managing to sleep through all of this. But I wanted to carry her out to the car and in some small selfish way almost didn't want them to take her home. But I knew that it was better for her to be there than here around all this tension and stress. I made sure that she was bundled up and carried her out to the car. Carefully I buckled her into the car seat and watched as my Aunt drove off back to the house. She was going to take her to my house so that she could be around her familiar things. I leaned on my mother and as the sun slowly began to come over Chicago that day I turned to my mother and broke down, sobbing to her for the first time all night I was in a place where I could let completely go and not have to worry.


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter 61:

Ryan could feel the sunshine on his face as he slowly opened his eyes looking around to the new surroundings. He wasn't in the hospital anymore. The sterile smell and all the voices were no longer there.

"I wondered when you were going to wake up."

He turned his head to see that he was lying on the grass in his mother's backyard. It was some place familiar but yet it didn't feel quite right. He blinked a few times as he tried to get the person that was there with him to come into focus. "Dad?" He had to do a double take, for he knew his dad was dead and had been for several years.

"Yeah son."

Ryan rubbed his eyes, was he dead? He had to have been to be sitting there with his old man. "I've missed you."

"I know." His dad said back to him, "I've missed you too."

Ryan had so many questions for the man sitting there next to him that he didn't know where to begin. "Am I…" he started to speak after a few minutes of silence.

"No, not yet." His father replied back. "but you will be very soon." That threw Ryan for a little bit of a loop. "You are a hero son. You have a choice to make right now and it's not going to be an easy one, but I know you'll make the right one. The right one for you." His father was never one to beat around the bush.

"Choice?" He said looking at him with teary eyes. He had missed his dad and now he was getting the one thing that he wished for growing up, more time with him. "What kind of choice?"

His dad looked over at him. "Your life is in your hands. Fate is a cruel thing you know. But mankind's greatest gift has always been freewill and the ability to shape our own paths."

"I don't understand what you are saying?" Ryan said.

"Well," the older man paused for a moment. "It's really pretty simple but yet completely complicated at the same time."

"Dad stop," he said his eyes meeting up with the man that he hadn't seen in almost 20 years now. "What kind of choice do I have to make?"

"You have the choice of staying here or going back." He said, "now I know that it seems pretty simple and straight forward." He explained, "you can be here when time has stopped and nothing changes, or you can go back to life. Pretty black and white."

"I could stay here with you?" He said his heart skipping a beat.

"That you could." His dad said. "But if that's what you do there's no going back. You can't go back to those who love you."

"But I could be with you." Ryan said again looking at him. His dad just didn't seem to understand how much he had missed him growing up.

"Ryan, yes. But you need to think about this." He said looking at his son, now a full grown man there next to him, no longer the little boy he had left behind.

"Not really." Ryan said, "I have missed you Dad, life wasn't the same after you left and I don't want to give you up again. We have so much to talk about, so much time that we have to make up."

"Ryan, I don't want you to make the same mistake I did." He said softly.

"How can staying here be a mistake?" Ryan asked his eyes moving from his dad to out across the yard. "It seems perfect here."

His dad sighed, "because in staying here, I broke your mother's heart." He said there was sadness in his voice and tears in his eyes now as he spoke. "That is one of the biggest regrets I have. That and not being there for you and your sister."

"Mom was okay." He said, "I took care of her for you."

"I know you did but for her it wasn't the same. I loved your mother with all my heart and for the last 20 years she hasn't had that again." He looked down and away from Ryan, "I would hate to see you throw that chance away just to stay here. You might think that you want to be with me and that this is what you have dreamed about since the accident, but Ryan you have something special that you might not want to give up."

Ryan was silent for a minute, "I do love Tess." He said laying back against the grass and looking up at the clear blue sky. "She's pretty special, one hell of a woman."

"She's not here." He said as he watched his son start to think about what he was saying now. "She won't be here for a very long time." He started to explain to get his son to see the bigger picture. "And she might not be as forgiving as you are."

"Tess would." Ryan said defending her.

"She's young Ryan. Do you expect her to sit there and be lonely for the rest of her life when you go? Is that a fair thing of you to ask of her?"

Ryan got silent as he thought about what he had just been told, "no it wouldn't be and I wouldn't want her to be alone."

"If you stay here she will be." He said, "I want to show you something, it will be hard to see but I think you need to see it before you make a decision." He paused for a minute. "Give you something that I wasn't able to know before I made my decision. As much as I would love to have you here, I know in my heart that this isn't the place for you right now."

"What dad?" Ryan said as they got up from where they were sitting and started to walk a little bit.

"The future is a funny thing, it's never set in stone and can change on a dime, but there's many possibilities and this is just a small part of what you are, or rather what you would be giving up."

They walked from the backyard of the house into the house as he Dad pushed the front door open it was as if they had gone into a different time once again. It wasn't the house that he grew up in but yet it was warm and inviting. There was something about it that for him seemed so familiar but yet this wasn't his house or one that he knew of.

"Honey I'm home." He heard himself call as he watched the front door of the house open up. It was there and then that Ryan knew he was watching a small piece of his future what his future could be.

"Daddy!" Ryan watched as Savannah came running forward and he scooped her up and she gave him kisses on the cheek. "Mommy, Daddy's home." She seemed so excited to see him.

"He is now is he?" Ryan watched as Tess came around the corner and into his line of sight. He turned to his dad now his eyes wide, "is she?"

"Yeah she is." His dad answered. He watched as tears formed in his son's eyes watching this small glimpse of what was to come for him. He hoped that it would change his mind about wanting to stay here and get him to go back to where he was so desperately needed, more than Ryan would ever know.

"But if I don't go back then this won't happen." He said in a soft small voice, he still hadn't made the decision. What he saw tugged at his heart, for it was what he wanted, but what he had ached for so long was also right there with him now and he knew that he could never have the two most important people in his life with him at the same time.

"I can't say that." He said softly, "what you see here might have already been put into motion. I can't say yes it has or no it hasn't for even I don't know that much." He reached up and put his hand on his son's shoulder now.

Ryan looked up at him, "I can't walk away from her if that's has happened." He looked down feeling the tears that were in his eyes, he could never leave Tess, he couldn't do it. As much as he wanted to be with his dad, she needed him to be there for her. Some small piece inside of him didn't want her to be like his mom was all these years, crying herself to sleep when she thought that no one was listening. Ryan had heard all the tears that his mother had shed for his Dad, she just didn't know it, he didn't have the heart to tell her, but at the same time he knew he couldn't take away all her pain.

"I just don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did. Eternity is a long time to live with those regrets." His dad stated simply. "But it's your call, and your decision no one can make it for you. She's there now with you, in your heart as you are in hers. She's wishing with everything that she has that her faith in you will keep you with her. She doesn't want to be alone any more than you do and while your brothers are all there gathered around her trying to ease her worry and her pain, if you were to leave Ryan, she would never be the same person she is now." He paused for just a brief second to let what he was saying sink in, "you only get one great love in your life. There's one person out there for each of us. For me it was your mother, and I let her down. For you it's Tess, I don't want to see you let her down or see you walk away from something that beautiful."

"Do I have to make my decision right now?" Ryan asked. He was torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay. His dad had been so right while there were to very clear cut and simple answers the decision itself was complicated. There would be deep reaching consequences for the woman he loved if he stayed here in this place rather than returning to his home.

"No but you need to make it soon." His dad replied. "You shouldn't keep them all hanging down there for too long. Faith is a horrible thing to toy with. It's fragile and you don't want to destroy it." He looked over at him now putting his hands on his shoulders, "a woman's love is something special and once you have her heart you need to hold it carefully in your hands always close to your own heart. If you break it, it's slow too or may never heal."

Ryan nodded as they walked back out of the house. He wanted to spend just a few more minutes talking with his dad before he made the call. His heart was with Tess, he really loved her. But his heart was also with his dad, for he had missed having him around. The decision was indeed black and white but it was the ramifications of the decision that made it that much more difficult, especially after what he had been shown. Ryan knew that his dad was right, eternity was a long time to live with regret and he wanted the time to think about this. He didn't want to hurt anyone, most of all he didn't want to hurt anymore when he made it.


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62

After I had my cry on my mother's shoulders she led me back inside the ER towards those double doors that I was slowly learning to dread. It was one thing to be on the other side, working to save someone, than to be on this side worrying about the loved one that they were trying to save.

I could see them all standing in there and it was as if once again the hands of time were standing still. My dad looked up and noticed that we had returned and I could only watch as he touched Carter's shoulder before moving towards where we were standing on the outside looking in.

"You can go back inside baby girl." My dad said softly.

When I heard those words it took a minute before I was able to make myself move, but I knew in my heart where my place was right now and that was next to him. For maybe, just maybe if he knew I was there, he would fight just a little harder to stay here with us. I knew it was a long shot but right now it was all that I had.

I crossed into the room, each step harder than the one before it. I felt as if my shoes had become filled with cement making it next to impossible to get to where I wanted to be.

One of the nurses in the room slipped a chair over and I sat down in it next to the head of the bed. Gently reaching out to touch his hand, making every effort that I could to let him know that I was there, that I wasn't going anywhere and I would be there for him. "I'm here baby." I said my voice soft and quivering, holding it all in was much more difficult than I thought it would be. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, you have to stay here with us, you have to stay here with me."

"Tess, we're working on getting him a bed up in the ICU." I heard Carter say and it took me a minute to be able to switch my focus from looking at Ryan to looking up at him.

I nodded, it was about all that I could do, somewhere between what I just said to Ryan and now I had managed to lose my voice. It wasn't there anymore. I was fighting back emotions that I didn't know that I had, trying to choke everything back as if that would make everything alright again. What I wanted to know I didn't have the ability to ask, yet somehow I knew that I would eventually be told.

"Ryan was injured severely in the fall." Carter said as he brought the chart down and pulled a chair over so that he was sitting next to me talking. "He has several broken ribs, and as you can see he's suffered some second degree burns on his arms and hands. One of the broken ribs punctured a lung."

It was as if Carter was talking in slow motion, and I wasn't sure if I was still catching all of it. It made sense to me what he was telling me and I could understand him, but it just didn't want to register with me.

"He was awake when they brought him in, but he suffered head trauma from the fall."

Those words caught my attention and instantly my eyes snapped from Ryan to Carter. Head trauma, my god what was he trying to tell me? I shook my head as I closed my eyes ever so desperately trying to pull it back together. "Is there…" I didn't want to go there. Whatever the answer was I wasn't leaving him, I wasn't going to give up and leave.

"We won't know if there was any damage done until the swelling goes down and he wakes up." Carter reached over and touched my arm, "but Tess that's if he wakes up."

My faith was being tested in ways that it had never been tested before. But then I had never felt like this towards anyone in my life. "He'll wake up." I found myself softly saying as I brought my hand up bringing his hand closer to my face and softly kissing it, "he'll wake up, I know he will."

I knew that Carter was just doing his job trying to brace me for the worst case scenario, so that nothing would blindside me later down the road but I wasn't going to believe that this was it for us. I couldn't let myself think that. There was something pushing at me to keep those positive thoughts in my head and that maybe just maybe if I believed, the man laying there in the bed would know and he'd open those eyes of his and crack a bad joke about all of this and life would return to normal again.

Carter patted my shoulder, "they should be moving him upstairs soon." He said with a soft compassionate voice, "you can stay here with him until they do."

I just nodded, not that they would have been able to pull me away any time soon. I was going to stay there until I saw those eyes of his open again. That and transport had a tendency to take its own sweet time.

Several hours passed before they were ready to move him upstairs. The sun had come up and I was really starting to feel the ache of needing to sleep and sitting in that chair.

"Baby girl," I heard a voice say behind me.

I looked up, "hey dad."

"Why don't you and I go and get something to eat while they move him upstairs and get him into his room and then we'll go right back there." He said softly.

"I don't want to leave." I said, "I need to be here by his side."

"I know you do baby, but come on you need to eat too. We can't have you have to be in here too cause you drop dead from lack of food and sleep." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders now, "we'll only be gone a few minutes."

As much as I wanted to stay with him, I knew that there was no telling my father no. That just wouldn't fly, never had and never would. I let him lead me out of the ER and down to the cafeteria for some evil nasty food. Okay it wasn't evil but it could be nasty. All that health junk in there, stuff that you didn't want to eat but knew that you should.

He got us two cups of coffee and some toast and well he was going for eggs when I sighed and rolled my eyes and he didn't make me eat those. Toast and coffee, hey that was the breakfast of champions.

We made out way over to a table and sat down. I picked a the toast that he had put in front of me knowing that if I didn't I'd have an unhappy father and well with everything else going on I kind of wanted to avoid that.

"Your mom is going to spend some time with Savannah today." He said.

I could tell that he was trying to make conversation so that my mind wouldn't be on Ryan right now worried sick. "That will be good." I said. We really hadn't talked about her or her coming to be and I think that's because none of us really wanted to. "I'm sure Savannah will enjoy that."

"We both miss you baby girl." He said as I looked up at him now.

"I miss you guys too." I said softly. I didn't think right now was the time to be having this conversation but I would humor him the best that I could.

"Tess it will be okay." He said his voice was soft, "I know you're scared and worried but it will all be okay."

"I know." I said seemed like I was only good for three or four word answers right now but I was really trying.

"Would you like me to sit with him for a little while so that you can get a nap?" He asked.

"No, I can sit with him, I'm not tired. I got some sleep earlier. I'll be okay Dad really I will."

"I know you will be but that's not what I was saying." He said reaching over and putting his hand on me.

"Dad it's just stressful right now, but we're going to get through this." I said knowing full well that I needed to believe it myself right now. "It's just we were going to get married this weekend while you and mom were here and now this has happened and that's not going to happen."

"I thought you were getting married in March what happened?" He asked.

"Ryan thought it best if we did it sooner. For us to get married, for me to change my name and he, Savannah and I move to a house somewhere else in the city so that Michael if he came looking for some reason wouldn't find us as easily."

"He has Ryan worried?" My dad asked and I could see the worry on his face.

"A little, that and he thought that if you and mom were worried enough to help fake Savannah and my death's that he had good reason to be worried if you did that." I said. "Michael thinks we are dead right?"

"Yeah he does Tess." He said to me, "but I don't know how long that will last. After all there were no bodies, but they did rule it as both of you being accidentally drown from the car accident."

"He has no reason then to think that I stole his… my daughter and ran across the country with her. He wouldn't think there would be a reason that we would be in Chicago. I need to feel safe here Dad." I said as I looked up my eyes meeting his, "I need to know that Savannah is safe."

"You are both safe here Tess." He said answering me not breaking his look from me now, "if I didn't think you were I would have you on the first train or plane out of here. You are my daughter," he spoke slowly as if he really wanted these words to sink in and for me to know, "and I would give my life to protect you, that's what father's do for their babies and their grandbabies." He paused for just a minute. "I love you and I love Savannah because she's a part of you. I don't like what he did to you, how he hurt you, but I love you both. I will always love you both. There is nothing that you could ever do that's going to change that baby girl. I will always be here to protect you, to help you and to support you in any way that you need it."

"I know you will Dad." I said with a soft voice. "I just can't help but be so sorry for all of this."

"Tess, it wasn't your fault, don't you ever blame yourself for this." He said giving me a look that was saying believe me I wouldn't lie to you.

I just nodded. It was hard to believe and at times I just wished that the memories would go away and I could move forward with my new life, but just when things were seeming to look up and I was getting what I wanted this happened and the rug was once again yanked out from under my feet and I didn't know what to do about it.

"I mean that baby girl." He said as he looked at me. "You'll get through this and everything will be just fine in the end."

"I know I just wish that I could send Savannah back to Seattle with you so that she'd at least have you while I am trying to get Ryan back up on his feet, but I know that's not an option."

"Not really." He said, "and I don't have much vacation time right now or I would say I could stay. We'll figure out something, maybe Kate can…"

"She can't miss school Dad." I said, "please don't even ask her. I am not going to have her put her education on hold right now."

"Okay I won't." He said putting his hands up in there. "I didn't know you felt that strongly about it."

"She needs to be able to finish and not take time off to come and help me right now. School is more important right now." I said looking at him. "It's not that I don't want her here, it's just that I'd rather her not give up the time that it would take for her to miss school to come out here, besides Michael might become a little suspicious if she suddenly decided to leave Seattle and that's a chance I can't take either."

"No I understand." He said.

We stood up and headed back up the stairs now towards the ICU. I needed to get back up there I had been gone to long, or at least it felt like I had been gone to long. The walk up there seemed to take forever yet I found my way to his room and a seat by his bed.

"Dad would you go and check on Savannah for me?" I asked, "make sure that she's okay and doesn't need anything."

"Yeah I can do that." He said, "I'll be back in a little while." He kissed the top of my head and then ruffled my hair.

"Thanks." I said as I picked up Ryan's hand and held it in my own. There was silence filling the room now that my dad had left and I laid my head down on the edge of the bed, there was some comfort in holding his hand as my eyes fluttered shut. Surely he wouldn't mind if I took a cat nap while I was sitting there. It didn't take long before I was sound asleep.


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63:

I had stayed by Ryan's side for the last two days moving only to eat or get some more coffee, but it wasn't very often that I was away from his side. If I wasn't there it seemed like Mitch was there almost all the time unless he was at the station house but there was a constant flow of firemen into his room.

I had just gotten another cup of coffee when Mitch came into the room. I had been feeling off all morning long and was overly tired even though I had gotten some sleep. I was sure it was just the wear and tear of Ryan being in the hospital but something inside me said that I should talk to someone about it.

"How you doing?"

"I'm holding Mitch." I said as I gave Ryan's best friend a hug welcoming him into the room. I knew that he was just as worried as I was right now, other wise he wouldn't have been there so much.

"You getting some sleep, eating?" He asked with concern in his voice.

"I am." I said, "you are worse than my sister."

"Someone's got to look out for you for him." He said sitting down in a chair, "that and you don't look right."

"Just what every woman wants to hear from her friends." I said back to him, "truth be told I just feel off, but I'm sure it's just the stress."

"Why don't you go get some air and then come back? I can stay here give you a break Tess, you probably could use one." He said rubbing my back a little now, "go ahead, I'll find you if you're needed. You can count on me I won't let you down."

"I don't want to bug them if they are busy." I answered.

"Just go and do it for me okay?" He said with a small push, "it would make me feel better if I knew you were okay too." He had these small puppy dog eyes now as if he was trying to guilt me into going.

"Okay. You win; put those eyes away because you know I can't resist them." I said getting up from where I was sitting.

I slowly started down the hallway towards the elevator so that I could go down to the ER. Not that I wanted to pester anyone just because I felt off. I rode down and got off heading towards the admit desk.

"Hey you." Abby said as she came around the corner, she kind of stopped in her tracks when she saw me. "You okay?"

"I don't feel overly hot Abby." I said looking up at her, "my stomach started cramping on the way down and I'm just feeling completely off."

"Come on let's get you looked at." Abby said, "with Ryan in the ICU we don't need a repeat of last time. I don't think the nurses up there could handle both of you at once."

"Okay I won't argue with you I promise." I said as I let her put an arm around me as we started down the hall for an empty exam room.

"Have a seat, anything specifically off?" She asked as she started to look at me.

"Nothing other than being very tired and now my stomach." I said, "maybe it's just that time of the month finally arriving."

"You late?" She said raising her eyebrows a little.

"Oh yeah but I think a building falling on your fiancé counts as a stressor that would cause that." I said answering her back.

"How late is late?" Abby asked.

"Uh I don't know. Few weeks, maybe a month, or a little more. My life was kind of turned upside down there for awhile." I paused for a minute. "I don't know it could be longer."

"Okay here's what we're going to do. Straight forward and simple here." She said with a smile. "Draw some blood check your lytes and things, and well," she tossed a cup at me, "you know what to do with that."

"Hit you with it?" I said being smart. "What for?"

"Oh I just want to make sure that you don't have something extra going on." She said as she got ready to poke me.

"Okay. It's not like you're going to find anything." I said, "I'm pretty sure it's just the stress."

"If you say so." Abby said as she drew blood, "but I'd rather err on the side of caution."

I let her finish. "Anything else you need to do?"

"Just do you're part and then wait for a few minutes and I'll let you know." She said.

Ugh I hated doing this. But nonetheless I headed down for the bathroom, container in hand to do what she wanted me to, leaving it where it could go to the lab and laid down where Abby had left me. I didn't know just how tired I was because the next thing I knew Abby was shaking my shoulder.

"Tess honey?" There was a gently shaking of my shoulder again.

I rubbed my eyes, "hmm, how long was I out?"

"About an hour, maybe an hour and a half." She said.

"Oh man." I said. "What is it?"

"Tess honey your labs came back." She said. "You're pregnant."

My eyes shot all the way open when she said that, "uh no I can't be." I stammered.

"You are though." She said to me looking at me.

It felt like she just dropped this giant bomb on me and I definitely wasn't ready for it. I had a toddler at home, a fiancé upstairs in the ICU, and I didn't know if he was going to wake up again. This was not right. "I need some air." I said as I pulled myself up off the gurney.

"It will be okay Tess." She said softly.

"Yeah." I managed to get out, "it will." That was about all I could say as I slowly drug myself up the stairs and headed for the roof. Pregnant. I was pregnant. Ryan and I were having a baby.

I walked out into the chilly air over to a spot where I could sit and think. Was this a bad thing? No, it wasn't but then on the other hand it wasn't a good thing either. I didn't want to raise two children alone. I hadn't given it much thought about having another child, not this soon. I loved Ryan and I loved the thought of having a family with him, but I was just adjusting to Savannah and having to take care of her and in a few months I would have a baby, a tiny newborn baby that I would be completely responsible for. That thought was what scared me. I wanted Ryan there and right now that wasn't possible.

I ran my hands through my hair and rubbed my face as I leaned against the cement wall of the building. I could see the city from up here and it wasn't calming like it usually was. There was just something about the news that I had gotten that even the roof didn't bring me any peace.

I closed my eyes thinking that I would just think with them closed. I was so tired and had a raging headache right now. That was the stress. The stress of having the man I loved hurt and from thinking about what I was going to do. I mean I knew what I was going to do, I was having a baby. But just being scared of the possibility of having to do it all alone was what was getting at me. Sleep didn't take to long before it had a hold of me once again and I drifted off sitting on the roof of County.


	64. Chapter 64

Chapter 64:

"Hey there's my beautiful woman."

I could have sworn that was Ryan's voice, but it could be he was downstairs. I opened my eyes and looked around the roof to see just who was messing with my head. There standing just a few feet in front of me was Ryan. He looked as if nothing had ever happened to him.

"Did I die?" I thought perhaps I had fallen asleep and given myself hypothermia.

"No you didn't baby." He said as he took a few more steps closer to me, "I just needed and wanted to see you again."

I stood up from where I had been sitting, almost afraid to run over to him that he was a ghost and I would try and run right through him. "Are you really here?" Stupid question but I had to ask.

I watched as he reached up gently bushing my hair back from my face tucking the lose strand behind my ear. "Yeah, I'm really here."

I threw my arms around his neck and held on for dear life. Resting my head against his chest and just stayed there. It was so hard to believe that just a short time ago I was downside sitting by his side and now here we were standing on the roof of the hospital he was awake and I was holding onto him. Even better was that he was holding onto me.

"I've missed you." I said looking up at him, "I was so scared."

"I know baby." He said as he gave me a soft sweet kiss. "I know and I'm sorry about that I really am. I wish I could take all that away for you all your sadness all your worry."

I buried my head against his chest again. I just wanted to stay there forever right now. I wasn't worried and I wasn't scared as long as he was there with me and he was going to be alright. "I'm glad you're here." I whispered.

I could feel him walking us over so that we could look out over the city and I just stayed right next to him not lifting my head up from his chest where I could hear his beating heart under my ear. It was a sound that I loved, one that I cherished more than I had ever said to anyone. "Ryan I love you, I really love you."

"I know you do Tess." He said kissing the top of my head before resting it there. "I love you too, don't you ever forget that."

"I won't." I said softly, there were small tears in my eyes. I was happy right now and all the fears from earlier had seemed to melt away. We were going to have our own family soon. Together we'd be happy I knew it. I wanted so badly to tell him, but I didn't think right now was the perfect time. I knew he'd be happy about it, he wanted it. He had told me he had wanted it and now even if I wasn't all the way ready it had happened and I wanted that too.

"I needed you to see that I'm alright." He said softly as he put his hand under my chin to bring my eyes up to meet his, "to tell you not to worry that I am happy and at peace with this."

"At peace with what Ryan?" I asked. I wasn't sure what he was trying to say to me.

"With where I am Tess." He said softly now his voice barely carrying above the wind.

"Here with me?" I said, "why wouldn't you be a peace? What are you telling me?"

"Baby I came to say goodbye." He said, still holding my eyes with his. "I have to go. It's time for me to."

"No." I said, "you can't go, I need you here with me." I couldn't keep the tears from falling now as what he was trying to tell me hit like a ton of bricks.

"You are the strongest person I know," he said, "you will be okay with out me. I didn't want to leave without being with you one last time." He ran his fingers under my eyes now to wipe away the tears.

"No you don't get it," I said, "you can't go, don't you leave me right now Ryan, don't do this to me." The tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't get them to stop. "I want you here."

"I can't explain it Tess. I don't know how." He said, "but where I am, I'm with my family I'm with my dad. Please know that I'm not doing this to hurt you."

"But it does hurt Ryan." I said between sobs. I didn't want to cry like this but it was the only thing my body would let me do right now as I felt my heart being ripped in two.

"I have to go baby." He kissed my forehead again and started to back away.

My hand flew up and made contact with his cheek. I slapped him as hard as I possibly could. Before managing to be able to back away from him. I watched the smile fade from his face being replaced with hurt. I hadn't meant to hurt him but what he was telling me, it cut me to the bone. I turned my back now as he was walking away.

"You are no better than he was. Ryan you are a selfish son of a bitch you know that. Go ahead you leave it you have to, if you feel like that's the best thing for you. Abandon me when I need you the most. Abandon your child. I'm pregnant Ryan. I am having your baby and you are walking away from me." I didn't mean to yell at him. But it was the truth.

Ryan stopped dead in his tracks turning around to look at me. I didn't see him pause for I had my back to him now in anger. "You're what?"

"You asked me to be your wife and I wanted that more than anything. To share my life with you, to grow old with you, have a family with you." I said, "now you're leaving, I won't get those things. I will have to raise two children on my own because your job took you away from us. I can't forgive you for that. Your job I have accepted the fact that it is dangerous and that this could happen, but you gave up. You gave up on me. So you go to your happy place and you be with your dad but know that you did exactly to our child what he did to you."

"Tess I'm sorry, I am so sorry."

I awoke from the bench with a start. I could feel the tears on my cheeks. That had felt so real yet could it all have been nothing more than a dream. I looked around the roof now. Closing my eyes for just a moment, no I could still feel his arms around me, the kisses; smell his cologne on the air. It hadn't been a dream he had really been there.

I headed back down from the roof and to his ICU room. Walking slowly inside Mitch still sitting there as he promised. He stood up when he saw me walk into the room.

"Tess, are you okay?" He said I could feel the concern in his voice as he pulled me into a hug.

I knew my tear stained face had given me away. I looked over at the bed where Ryan was laying. "He broke my heart." I said looking up now at Mitch. "He's not coming back. I'm not enough of a reason for him to stay and it hurts."

"Tess, what are you talking about, of course you are he loves you." Mitch said looking down at me. "He loves you more than anything."

I just shook my head, "you wouldn't believe me if I told you how I knew. Just trust me on this I know." I walked over and kissed his forehead running my hands ever so gently through his hair. I was still mad as hell at him but yet when I said I loved him I really did. "I love you. I will always love you. There's no one like you and you'll always have a special place in my heart."

I walked back over to Mitch. I didn't know when Ryan said he needed to say goodbye if that meant he wanted to leave now or how soon he'd be leaving. It broke my heart to think that he wasn't going to be there anymore and I just wanted to go find some place to cry. Mitch came over and put his arms around me holding onto to his best friend's woman and he let me cry. We sat down and I cried finally letting it all out without worry. I was going to miss him.


	65. Chapter 65

A/N: Sorry for the delay in the updating... aye school got the best of me and I was swamped with homework but I am getting out from under the pile so here ya all go... hopefully it won't take me as long to get the next one.

Chapter 65:

"Dad I don't know what to do." Ryan said lying on his back looking up at the blue sky now. The quiet and the peace shattered by only his words. He had been laying there thinking of everything and how he was going to make the greatest decision he had ever had to make.

"I don't know what to tell you and I can't make the decision for you." His father said looking over at him. "You have to figure it out on your own."

"I'm trying but it's not easy. She was so mad at me when I saw her, when I talked to her. I don't want her to hate me, but yet the time here with you it's been so peaceful."

"This place is peaceful." He responded back, "it's supposed to be. You need to listen to your heart, that's the only advice I am going to be able to give you."

"You know how mad I was when you left us." He said, "how bad I hated you for the longest time." Ryan looked over at him again before looking away. Even in a place of happiness he could feel pain. "I have a child that will come into the world and if I stay where I am happy he or she is going to grow up with out a dad, just like I did."

"I know you hated me." His dad answered, "and you had ever right to. I should have stayed but I didn't I chose to remain here. Not knowing what you know. Ryan it's up to you, really it is. I can't say stay or go, you have to make that one on your own."

His father seemed to have so much faith in him when it came to this and Ryan didn't know where it was coming from. He wished that he had been able to find that same faith in himself but it wasn't there. The weight of knowing that once he made it, really made it he wasn't going to be able to change his mind. Whichever choice he made there would be regret with it. "You know I love you Dad, it took me a long time to realize that but I really do love you."

"I know you do son and I love you too. I always have and I always will. You've grown into a fine young respectable man and a damn fine fireman."

"Thanks, that means a lot coming from you." It would mean more to Ryan than he could ever manage to express in words, yet there was something inside him that made him not want his father to see him emotional to let him see him cry.

"You'll make the right decision Ryan I know you will but you are going to have to make it soon, or they will make it for you."

Ryan became quiet as he thought about what his dad was saying. It was the fact that he could make the decision himself, or wait and let them do it. In essence letting him off the hook for it but then he didn't want to put Tess in a position where she had to make that decision. He had hurt her enough right now without her having to make a decision about something the two of them had never talked about.

If it had just been him, it would have been easier. He had to think about how this was going to affect Tess, but more than affecting Tess the decision that he made was going to affect their unborn child. Tess was carrying his son or his daughter. He was now someone's father, but he knew in his heart that he couldn't be the father that he wanted to be from here.

It wouldn't be fair to put a child through all the pain that he went through and then it hit him. If he stayed here with his father, his child, his flesh and his blood, the one thing that he wanted more than anything else, would not know him. The child would never know his father. Tess was strong, Ryan knew that much but could she honestly carry the burden of being both mother and father to Savannah and their child? He had more questions than answers and it clouded his decision.

He got up from where he had been laying and started to walk. He needed to move to clear his head. He needed a little bit of space between him and his father afraid that he would show emotion right now. To think about this, not that he hadn't been thinking about it. Every since he had talked to Tess, to say his goodbyes to her, it was all that he could think about.

He couldn't get the feel of her skin under his fingertips out of his mind or the smell of her perfume from his nose. He could still feel her soft kiss against his lips and how warm she was. Love hurt right now. The thought of leaving her behind tore at him. It was a feeling that he didn't know if he wanted to live with for eternity. As happy as he was here, there was a nagging feeling of guilt, of overwhelming sadness inside of him when he was faced with what he would be leaving behind.

His mind wandered back to the night that he proposed to Tess, how happy they had both been. He could see that true beaming smile of hers. The smile that made his heart dance and could light up the room all by itself. Afraid that she may never smile that kind of smile again after all of this. He didn't want to be the one to take that smile off her face. He had all these plans for them. Growing old together, working together, and to raise a family together. Now here those dreams would have to stay dreams, here he couldn't raise that family with her and she would grow old without him.

He ran his hands under his eyes before rubbing his face. He stood still now and let out a sigh. He knew what he needed to do. He had stopped just long enough to follow his father's advice and listen to his heart. Telling him that he needed to be there, that he wanted to be there when his child came into the world, that he wanted to get the chance to be more than just Tess's fiancée that he wanted to be her husband and not watch her from a distance.

He had finally reached a decision and knew it was time to say goodbye to this place, wherever it was. If it was a dream or something else, he wanted to be back with Tess, so that he didn't leave her hurt, alone and with a family. He wanted to be a part of that. Something told him that he would see his dad again someday but this time wasn't the time for him to stay.

He walked back towards his dad and didn't have to say anything. His father just nodded knowing, almost as if he could read his mind, and that the decision had been reached. His dad wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. The two men holding onto each other with their own silent goodbyes. Each knowing that for now it was for the best and that they would see each other in due time.


	66. Chapter 66

Chapter 66:

The rain had started to fall as I looked out the window. Paul come and gone and Mitch had run down to get coffee as right now he didn't think that it was a good idea to leave me alone, and I appreciated having him there with me as I seemed to be grappling with one of the toughest decisions I had ever faced.

It would have been easier if I didn't feel like I was making it alone and every time I looked at Ryan laying there in that bed seeming so peaceful right now, the harder it became. After my dream, or what felt like it had to have been a dream but to me seemed so real. Part of me felt like I needed to let go, yet my heart wasn't ready to. I was mad and angry that he would have left me in a position where I had to make a decision like this, something that we had never talked about. And I didn't know if I was going to have the strength inside me to make that decision when it came down to it.

"Here sweetie." I heard a voice behind me say and I turned around rather slowly.

"Thank." I took the cup of hot coffee from him holding it gently in my hands using it to take the chill off. It wasn't overly cold in the room but at times I felt like I couldn't get warm and I think it was just that the place that I was at in my life.

He put an arm around my shoulder. "You should go home and get some rest. You are wearing yourself into the ground Tess." He said, "Ryan wouldn't want you to do that."

"Yeah I know but I just can't bring myself to leave." My eyes drifted back to the bed. I had this sinking feeling that he wasn't going to open his eyes, but I still had my hope. I didn't want to let go of it. It was the only thing that was keeping me from completely falling apart right now and being nothing more than another ball of tears for the millionth time since all of this had happened.

"You should though. Nothing is going to happen to him if you go and take a nap. Maybe I could talk to the nurses see if I can't get you a place to lay down just down the hall." He said.

"I appreciate everything that you are doing Mitch I really do, but I think I really just want to stay." The memory of what had happened the last time I had slept still fresh in my mind and perhaps that might have been part of the reason that I didn't want to lay down. It was fear that he would appear again, that he would hold me in his arms, kiss my forehead and then be gone forever. That I would wake up and he'd not be here anymore. "I'm scared, I don't want him to leave, I can't do this alone." Those were the only thoughts that I could bring myself to think right now.

"Your not alone." He said softly.

"But I will be." I said, "I'm afraid to close my eyes, that the next time that I open them he won't be here."

"Tess he's going to pull through this. I know you have faith, I know you are still holding onto your hope and as long as you have those Ryan knows. He knows we are here, he knows we need him to stay with us."

"I know he does but I don't think he wants to be here with us." I wished I could explain it, to tell him how I knew but the fear that they would put me in a padded room upstairs was just to real right now. I turned again and took those few small steps to the bed. Picking his hand up and holding it in my own. "He just looks so peaceful as if he's already given up, as if he's not here. I feel like at times I am holding onto this empty shell. That the man that I had come to love, that I do love has moved on to a better place for himself and loving him, it just wasn't enough to make him want to stay."

"Don't think that Tess." Mitch said his arm resting on my shoulder again. "It's that love that you have for him that's going to make those eyes of his open and make his way here. Just give him some more time. I know that you don't want to give up on him. I don't want you to give up on him."

"I don't want to give up on him." I found myself repeating back now. "I could never give up on him. But in keeping him here, I feel like I am going against his wishes. That this wouldn't be what he would want. For all of us to be standing here, crying, hoping and praying that he returns to us." I shook my head softly. I would have cried but there were no more tears in my eyes to fall right now. I had hit the point where I was not only emotionally but physically drained. I was nearing my breaking point and I knew it as well as everyone around me.

You could see it in the dark circles that had formed under my eyes. The shaking of my hands indicated the great amount of stress that I had found myself under. I hadn't seen my daughter in a couple of days, hadn't taken the time to tuck her in. But I needed to focus what energy I had left on all of this. I knew that I needed to find the time to rest, not for me but for the baby. It was the first time that I had allowed the thought that I was really having a baby to come through.

"Tess honey are you okay?"

"Mitch, I'm as good as I am going to get." I said looking at him for two minutes before looking back at Ryan, "I just have to be here I can't explain it I don't want to explain it. You are just going to have to trust me."

"I do trust you," he said, "it's not a matter of trusting or not trusting."

"I will rest, I promise you I will soon, but right now." I squeezed Ryan's hand a little now out of frustration and not knowing what to do. "Ahh," I jumped a mile now when there was the sensation of someone squeezing back. I had been holding that hand for days with out so much as a flinch and now I almost didn't believe it.

"What?" Mitch said looking at me with concern.

"He squeezed my hand." I said looking at it with bewilderment in my eyes, "Ryan honey?" I turned my attention fully back to Ryan now, "baby if you can hear me squeeze my hand." Please let there be something. Despite not wanting to I found myself holding my breath and waiting. There was nothing I stood there for a minute waiting for him to do it again. It must have been nothing more than my mind playing tricks on me. "Come on baby please, please I know you can hear me squeeze Ryan damn it squeeze my hand."

Mitch put his hand on top of mine that was holding onto Ryan's, "honey it was just your mind playing tricks on you from being tired."

There it was again but this time Ryan moved his fingers so that there was no doubt that he was in there. He was there with us. "Mitch." I said looking up at him, "he moved he moved." I was overjoyed at the thought that he was still there with us and I couldn't help but have tears start to run. "Oh baby." I said holding onto that hand. I wanted him to open those eyes but for now I would take what I could get and if all he could do right now was move his fingers it was more than enough for me.


	67. Chapter 67

Chapter 67:

I sat there patiently waiting to see if he would open his eyes. Wanting him to open them, as hard as it was to admit I needed him there with me and having him so close yet so far away hurt more than I had admitted to anyone.

Then there was also the small fact that I hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant. I just didn't think right now was the right time to tell anyone but I knew too that I needed to get some sleep here pretty soon cause I was about to drop dead. They had taken Ryan off the respiratory as he was breathing on his own but still hadn't opened his eyes. They didn't know why they had no explanation as to why he wasn't waking up.

I really needed to be there with him, talking to him. While I might have just kept saying the same thing over and over again to him to me it was comforting and hopefully was to him as well. I had no idea anymore what to do to get Ryan to open his eyes. Today it felt like I was fighting against something that was bigger than both of us, but there was that sense that I couldn't give up. Not now, not ever.

"Hey baby." I said sitting on the edge of the bed now holding onto his hand, "come on baby open those eyes of yours." My voice was soft almost to the point where he was the only one who could hear it. "Ryan I love you baby, please come back to me." I kissed his hand holding it close to me as with the other hand I pushed his hair back from his face.

There was stubble on his face which was normally clean shaven. That was about the only indicator left that something wasn't right. He looked as if he was just laying there sleeping. I could watch his chest rise and fall with each breath that he took and I could see the beating of his heart on the monitor that he was hooked up to. I was getting tired now, so rather than I leave I found myself curling up on my side getting close to him. I hadn't slept in here other than in the chair next to the bed off and on. But right now I wanted to be next to a warm body, even if that warm body couldn't hold onto me I could still hold onto him.

It didn't take much for my eyes to drift shut. I could feel now rather than see his chest rising and fall and the sound of his beating heart were more than enough with as tired as I was to lull me to sleep. That and I needed it more than ever now. Between the worry and being pregnant I was exhausted.

It felt like I had been out for hours, the room was darker as my eyes opened for a moment before slipping shut again. It was then that I about flew off the bed for when my body shifted I realized that there was an arm around me holding me on the bed and it tightened around me so that I wouldn't go anywhere. I lifted my head up a little seeing that Ryan was the one holding onto me and when my eyes drifted up to his there were two looking back at me.

It felt like I was holding my breath as my eyes stayed locked with his. A sight that I had been so desperately been wanting to see was now looking back at me. I didn't know what to say. There were so many emotions running through me right now, happiness was the one that was about to bring tears to my eyes.

"Did you have a nice nap?"

His voice wasn't very loud, but I hadn't heard it for so long that it was music to my ears. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I knew that I was sitting there staring at him, but I just couldn't help it.

"Are you okay Tess?"

There was a raspy sound to it; you could tell that he had been on a vent not that long ago. I realized that he was probably starting to get worried with me just sitting there mouth open looking as if I was a deer caught in the headlights. I nodded as I tried to find my own voice so that I could form words and actually talk to him. "Yeah, I'm okay." I stammered out smiling a little more, "I'm more than okay now." I leaned down to kiss his forehead, "just very happy to see those eyes of yours."

"Good." He said softly. "You know you are beautiful when you are sleeping. You look like you could use some more though."

I blushed, "I didn't know that." I knew that I was about to cry, and I laid my head against him for a second as if I could will it all away. "I probably could but I don't want to right now."

He had his hand on my back now as he started to move it in very small soft circles, "how's my baby doing?" His voice was soft now as he spoke.

"I'm fine." I answered.

"Not you, I can see how you are doing and I know you're not sleeping enough, probably not eating enough either." He said as he brought his other hand over and rested it on my stomach, "our baby."

I just laid there silent for a minute, "I'm sure the baby is fine." I didn't know what else to say at that point.

"Good." He said softly, "once I'm out of here I am going to make sure that you are well taken care of." He didn't move his hand from where it was resting. "Does anyone know?"

I shook my head, "no, no one knows." I answered, "I didn't feel right saying anything. Not that I didn't want to but I wanted to tell you first, I mean really tell you."

"You did tell me." He said, "Probably not the way that you wanted to, but you did tell me."

"I thought you were going to leave me." I said with a soft sad voice now. I didn't want to rehash it with him, I knew what had been said and he knew what he had said. There really was no use it going over it again. "I'm glad you are here." That said it all.

"I know Tess." He said softly kissing my head again. "We are going to be okay though."

My head went back to rest against his chest still curled up next to him, "I know we are, I really know that." This had all been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride and not it felt like it was finally coming to a stop and that really it might be better now. Things were looking up; Ryan was awake and talking and soon would hopefully be going home.

I was looking forward to that, we could plan our wedding and get married, find a house and so many other things together. Savannah would soon be a big sister and the four of us would be a family that was what we all wanted.


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter 68:

It was another two weeks before they let Ryan leave the hospital and it would be awhile longer before he was able to go back to work. So now that he had been home almost a month he was starting to drive me batty being batty. A man who could not work at home all the time, soon to my discovery was a bad thing.

I had my reservations about him going back to the fire department as it was, but I knew too now that him being at home was not going to work. There was no way that I was going to let him be the full time stay at home dad. One of us would end up killing the other and I had this sinking feeling it would be me who did the killing.

I was four months pregnant now and starting to show. There was this little bump starting to protrude and just the small sight had been more than enough to make Ryan grin for hours on end. He was well enough that we had cut Savannah's day care hours back and she was spending more time with her soon to be daddy.

My parents were scheduled to fly on Friday night. We had the marriage license and everything ready to go for a very small and simple ceremony. Not the wedding that either on of us and originally envisioned but circumstances had forced changes to that and we were making do. Both of us knew that it wasn't how we got married or where we got married, or even the license that matter, it was that we loved each other that would make it special.

That however didn't make me any less nervous about the whole thing. We were driving out of Chicago up to a small bed and breakfast along the lake, we would get married Saturday. His mother and sister, my parents and sister would be there and of course a few of the men from the firehouse. Mitch was going to be his best man and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Paul of course was invited as well. They were brothers and I wanted them to be a part of our special day.

The drive up there wasn't all that great either. My parents, sister, his mother and sister had a minivan rented and were driving up together. Ryan, Savannah and I were coming up in Ryan's car and well we would have made good time if it hadn't been for the fact that I needed to have him stop even 10 minutes so that I could either throw up or pee. Ryan and I were supposed to spend the weekend up there, Savannah would be going back with my parents to Chicago and we would pick her up from Elizabeth on Monday night. Granted it wasn't the fancy honeymoon that Ryan had said that he wanted but I knew that it was going to be the last quiet and alone weekend that we were going to be getting for awhile.

We were all frazzled by the time we got there. Savannah was upset, tired and hungry. I was miserable from being in the car and poor Ryan was just caught in the crossfire. Kate took Savannah off to get her something to eat and into bed. Ryan's mother, Marie, took him off to give the man some room to breathe, and I went with my parents for something to eat, not that I really wanted it at that point in time but I figured I would let them run interference so that no one ended up hurt.

I think that Dad ended up with Savannah and Kate cause pretty soon it was just me and my mom. She filled up the giant bathtub that was in there with warm water and told me to get into it before I killed someone. I didn't argue because once I was in it sure felt good. She left me alone in there just soaking up the quiet of the room.

"Here sweetie." I heard a voice say knowing it was my mother who had re-entered the room.

I looked up to see her holding out a cup. "What's that?" I asked as I reached up from my spot in the tub to take it from her.

"Just some tea to help settle your stomach." She said sitting down in there with me now. "We can get you something light to eat after bit. See if that helps first."

"You don't have to fret mom." I said giving her a soft smile. "I'm okay just a little tired after the car ride."

"Yes I do have to fret." She said softly looking over at me now, "my baby is getting married in the morning and I am not going to have her all stressed out tonight. That and it's not good for you or the baby for you if you are. So just let me baby you tonight Tess."

"Okay mom." I said, "I'll let you just this once." I smiled at her.

"Well you know that I am going to be here when your little one comes into the world."

"I want that mom." I said looking up at her my smile so soft. "I want you to be there this time." I was sad that she hadn't been there when Savannah had been born, but I couldn't change that.

"Good because Ryan is a good man, but men are not good with small babies, they tend to be scared of them, especially when they are their own." She said to me, "and you will need help with Savannah for a few days while you all adjust."

I very carefully started to get out of the tub and wrapped into this big fluffy robe that she had there for me. "Speaking of, where are Dad, Savannah and Kate?"

"Next door." She said softly, "your dad was going to put Savannah to bed she was pretty tired."

"Yeah she was." I replied as we moved into the other room now. "Pretty busy day for someone so little."

"She'll be so cute tomorrow; she's such a big girl." We sat down next to each other on the bed now. "How you feeling?" There was a touch of concern in my mother's voice now as she spoke to me pushing my long dark curls back away from my face.

"Just tired." I said, "Nervous, really nervous. Tomorrow is a really big day for me. I'm starting a new life."

"That you are." She smiled over at me. "I know I was nervous when your dad and I got married. It's a big deal but yet it really doesn't change all that much. You will love Ryan just as much tomorrow as you do today. Yes you will have a new last name, and you will be someone's wife and a mother, but deep down inside you will still be you. Just with a growing family."

"That's what scares me the most," I said taking a deep breath in, "the growing family."

"Baby you will do fine, you are a great mother." She gave me a soft hug. "Your father and I are very proud of you and how well you have done with Savannah."

"I didn't have her as a baby though." I put my hand down on my stomach, "this will be my first experience with an infant mom. I don't know if I can do it, I don't want to screw up."

"Oh honey you are not going to screw up." She said softly with her arm now around me. I couldn't hold back the tears that were forming and slowly started to run down my cheek. "Tess honey it's going to be okay, I promise. You can do this, I know you can. You and Ryan are going to have a beautiful family together."

I looked at her from behind my teary eyes, "you think so mom." I sniffled out.

"Yes I do." She said there was no hesitation in her voice when she answered me. "I know you will. I have faith in you and with Ryan by your side baby girl you are going to be just fine. I can't see a better man for my girl to be with. I wouldn't lie to you Tess."

I hugged my mother now laying there with her on the bed. We had never been close, not like her and Kate had been but yet here we were actually having one of those mother/daughter moments and on the eve of my wedding too.

"Now do you think you want to eat something? I am not going to have you passing out because you are not eating. That and I want my grandson or granddaughter to be healthy."

"Uh, I'm not really hungry mom." I said in protest. "I really don't want my stomach doing anymore summersaults."

"Something light baby girl." She said moving over off the bed.

I tried not to roll my eyes, it was just one night, surely even I could survive a little babying tonight. "Something tells me that no matter what I am not going to win this battle."

"No you are not." She said as she came back to the bed. "Ryan didn't say if you were craving anything in particular." She sat back down next to me now. "But he didn't say you had aversions to anything either."

"No cravings yet." I answered propping myself up on my elbows a little, "bologna, I can't be around it." That was about the only thing that I had found that set me off and of course it was one of Savannah's favorite sandwiches.

"Now your grandmother doesn't like your father that much, that's no secret." My mother said, "But she did make the night before my wedding special. Granted being pregnant you are not going to get the vodka shot." She pulled out some of those cookies she used to make all the time when we were little. I never could say the name, let alone remember it. But they were my favorite.

"Oh wow mom, thank you." I said as I hugged her again. We spent a little longer sitting there eating as my eyes started to get heavy.

"Time for you to get to bed." She said as she moved off the bed pulling the covers back. "If you need anything just holler you dad and I are next door, and Savannah is sleeping in your sister's room. You have the room and the bed all to yourself tonight and there is no one who is going to wake you up before you are ready. Kate will tend to your daughter. You deserve to sleep in on your big day. There will be enough of us to get things done with out you having to worry."

"I can…"

"Tess don't argue with me tonight child." She said trying to put some authority behind her voice. "It's your wedding day and you are going to sleep in, you have this big comfy bed all to yourself. Your daughter is going to spend time with her Auntie, her grandma and her grandpa so you can have some time to yourself."

"Okay." I said as I let out a giant yawn laying my head down on the pillow. I was getting married tomorrow and for as excited and nervous as I was there was one good thing about being pregnant right now. I was drop dead tired and sleep would be easy for me to get. "Good night mom."

"Good night Tess." I heard her answer as I watched the door shut and the room go dark. It didn't take long after that for me to drift off to sleep.


	69. Chapter 69

Chapter 69:

I awoke to the feeling of sunshine on my face. Slowly I was able to shake the cobwebs of sleep from my eyes, stretching out, feeling the emptiness of the bed. I realized that there was no toddler in there with me. No good morning mommy jump that had become a morning ritual. It was nice but then it dawned on me what today was. I rolled over so that I could see the clock that was sitting there on the bedside table, holy shit, it was ten thirty and I was scheduled to get married in two and a half hours.

I fought the urge to bolt out of the bed knowing that if I did that I would probably have to go and toss my cookies. I still needed to make sure that Savannah was bathed, dressed and fed and I needed to do the same thing. I had precious little time to get everything all done. I climbed out of the bed feeling very green around the edges now as I started the hunt for the bag that had my clothes in it. There was a knock at the door as I pulled the shirt that I had found on over my head. I slowly walked over to the door to pull it open.

"Hey baby girl." I heard my dad say, "oh my." Then I felt an arm around me as I was led over to the bed and made to sit down, "are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine." I said, "I just need to get something to eat, find Savannah and make sure that she's taken care of and get these butterflies out of my stomach."

"Savannah is with Kate right now." My dad said, "you don't have to worry about her, she's got two Aunts, two grandmothers, her grandfather and her stepfather keeping her occupied and happy. You have other things that you need to worry about and that is not one of them."

"Okay." I said, "but I still have to find something to eat. I'm sure it's much too late to get breakfast."

"Nope," my dad said as he helped me stand up. "You are not too late to get something to eat. Shall we go?"

"That sounds good."

"Yeah I bet it does, although you are looking a little green around the edges there baby girl are you sure your okay?"

"Yes I am sure that I am okay. I will be okay as soon as I get something to eat." I sighed now not being able to help myself. I was nervous. There was no doubt about that and I was sure that it was making my stomach partially upset.

I went with my dad down to get something to eat and then back upstairs to the room that we had so that I could take a bath and I ended up sitting in the tub longer than I thought that I would. It felt good to be in there and I almost didn't want to get out. The more time that passed the more nervous I got.

"Tess?"

"I'm in the bathtub mom." I answered back when I heard my name being called. Perhaps that was an indication that it was time for me to get a move on it again. I pulled the drain and climbed out a towel wrapped around me and one around my hair, "I'm I late?"

"No you are fine dear." My mother answered. She was dressed and looked very nice. There was a soft smile on her face. "I thought that I would come and make sure that you didn't need any help and that you hadn't decided to take a nap."

I had to laugh softly at that. "No nap to nervous."

She helped me to get ready, pull those out of control thick curls so that they were up and sitting on top of my head in a beautiful bun with a few stray ones softening my face. I looked at the dress hanging there one last time before getting ready to put it on. My makeup was done and it was the last thing to be done. I slipped into the soft material as it flowed around me; you would have never known that under that dress I was nearly five months pregnant.

"Oh my," I heard my mother gasp softly.

I looked up at her trying to keep any look of fear off my face, "what, do I look horrible?"

"No," she said as I watched my mother wipe a tear away from her face. "Honey you are beautiful." She gave me now a soft hug, "you are very beautiful. I'm so proud of you today."

I wasn't sure what brought that one from her but I pulled back, "now you have to stop that." I said softly, "cause if you cry, I'm going to cry and I don't know if I can stop once I get started. Hormones you know."

"Yeah I'll stop I promise." She said, "you about ready?"

"That's a loaded question." I said, "ready as I will ever be to do this. Is it almost time now?"

"Yeah it is." She said. As she backed away from me, "I'll go and find your dad, you wait here."

I watched as my mother walked out of the room. Oh I was nervous I wanted to throw up, really I did. I wasn't scared, but I knew that after today my life was changing, for the better but it was still changing. I was making a very big commitment to the man that I loved, to promise to always be there for him no matter what.

Mom hadn't been gone more than five minutes before there was another knock. "Come in."

The door slowly opened and my dad came inside the room. He didn't say anything when he first saw me and that made me even more nervous. I was so worried that something was going to go wrong. He walked across the room and pulled me into a soft hug. He looked very nice and it wasn't often that I saw my dad dressed up that nice.

"Wow." He said holding me at an arms length now, "your mother was right, you look just like she did."

"Thank you daddy," I said with a very bashful smile.

"Come here." He said motioning for me to sit down next to him.

"What?" I wasn't sure if this was going to be some speech that mom was going to make him give or just what he wanted me sitting down for. I watched him reach into the inside pocket of his jacket and I could see that he was now trying not to cry either. There was a small velvet box in his hands.

He opened it up and pulled out this beautiful necklace that had a heart that was lined with small diamonds. I was sure now I was going to cry. He put it around my neck, "your mother wore this the day that her and I got married and we've been holding onto to it to pass down to one of you girls. We decided that if Kate got married first your mother would give it to her and if you got married first I would give it to you." I could feel him clasp it and then it I felt the cool metal against my skin. "So here I am giving it to you today." He paused for a minute putting his hand now under my chin, "today I'm giving my baby girl to a very lucky man and while in a few minutes here you are going to be his wife, you will always be my baby girl." He leaned forward and put a butterfly kiss on my cheek. "Your mother and I are very happy for you Tess."

I hugged him back softly, "thank you daddy." I managed to get out now as I was really having to fight not to cry. "thank you very much. I love you."

"I love you too baby girl." He said as he held out his arm. "Shall we, I think that there is a very nervous man waiting for you and if I don't get you there soon, he might have a MI and we can't have that."

I knew he was trying to ease it up some so that I really wouldn't cry. "I think that we should do that." I said, "we've waited long enough for today." I smiled softly for him, "let's go get me married."


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter 70:

We walked down the hallway my hand resting in the crook of my father's arm. This was a day that I thought would never come but yet now that it was here I was filled with so many different emotions I didn't know which one was about to come spilling over. I was nervous and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest causing my hands to tremble that could have been excitement as well. I felt like at any minute a river of tears was going to come streaming from my face from being so happy. I was about to become someone's wife.

I looked over at my Dad standing there now as we were nearly to the point of no return, not that I wanted to bolt and run. There was a smile on his face and that was all the encouragement that I needed. I knew he liked Ryan and that he thought this was a good thing that we were doing.

While this wasn't the traditional wedding, big and beautiful that I had dreamed of since I was a small child and heard about in the fairy tales that my dad had read to me, this was my wedding and special to me in so many other aspects. In that short pause that we had standing there now all of my blessing hit upon me and I knew that I had more now than I thought was ever possible.

We started walking again and there now filling the small room where our immediate family and two very close friends were gathered you could hear the wedding march playing from the old piano in the corner of the room. My eyes came up from the floor now looking down that short distance that I was about to walk falling up the man who I was about to promise to spend the rest of my life with.

In what felt like the blink of an eye I was now standing there before him, letting go of my Dad's arm and taking Ryan's. Kate was on my left, next to Ryan stood Mitch who was his best man. Sitting there behind us was Paul, Mitch's wife and daughter, Ryan's mother and sister, and my parents. My Savannah was sitting on her grandmother's lap. The only people who really mattered to us both were there to share today with us.

I smiled at him softly as we turned towards each other and began a very simple wedding ceremony. The intentions that we started out with were to keep everything simple and small nothing flashy or fancy. We stood there with the candle light filling the room, a soft snow was now starting to fall and could been seen through the big bay window behind us that gave a spectacular view of the lake.

He took my hands into his and his eyes never faltered from looking into mine. "I, Ryan, take you Tess, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, until death to us part." His voice came across so strong and if he was so sure of those words that he was saying.

"I, Tess, take you Ryan, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, until death to do us part." I kept my eyes focused on his as a spoke, and while my voice didn't falter there wasn't much behind it. I was so happy and fighting so hard not to burst into tears as I said those words to him. Both of us then turned our attention to the minister that was there to bring us together.

"Your gift to each other for your wedding today has been your wedding rings - which shall always be an outward demonstration of your vows of love and respect; and a public showing of your commitment to each other. You now have what remains the most honorable title which may exist between a man and a woman - the title of "husband" and "wife." For your first gift as husband and wife, that gift will be a single rose. In the past, the rose was considered a symbol of love and a single rose always meant only one thing - it meant the words "I love you." So it is appropriate that for your first gift - as husband and wife - that gift would be a single rose.

Our eyes changed focus again as we listened to the words that he was saying. I caught his gaze and returned a soft smile to my now husband. This was an important day for us and it right now to me he was the only person in the room.

"Please exchange your first gift as husband and wife. In someways it seems like you have not done anything at all. Just a moment ago you were holding one small rose - and now you are holding one small rose. In some ways, a marriage ceremony is like this. In some ways, tomorrow is going to seem no different than yesterday. But in fact today, just now, you both have given and received one of the most valuable and precious gifts of life - one I hope you always remember - the gift of true and abiding love within the devotion of marriage. Ryan and Tess, I would ask that where ever you make your home in the future - whether it be a large and elegant home - or a small and graceful one - that you both pick one very special location for roses; so that on each anniversary of this truly wonderful occasion you both may take a rose to that spot both as a recommitment to your marriage - and a recommitment that this will be a marriage based upon love. In every marriage there are times where it is difficult to find the right words. It is easiest to hurt who we most love. It is easiest to be most hurt by who we most love. It might be difficult some time to words to say "I am sorry" or "I forgive you"; "I need you" or "I am hurting". If this should happen, if you simply can not find these words, leave a rose at that spot which both of you have selected - for that rose than says what matters most of all and should overpower all other things and all other words. That rose says the words: "I still love you." The other should accept this rose for the words which can not be found, and remember the love and hope that you both share today. Ryan and Tess, if there is anything you remember of this marriage ceremony, it is that it was love that brought you here today, it is only love which can make it a glorious union, and it is by love which your marriage shall endure."

Ryan brought his hand up now and gently wiped away the small tear that had managed to fall from my eyes as we listened, each now holding the rose that had been given to us by the other. Today was the first day of the rest of our lives together, we had come here today as individuals, two separate families and would leave here as one.

We barely heard the minister say those ending words, focused more on each other standing there, "you may kiss your bride." Ryan looked at him and then at my dad before looking at me and his soft smile could have lit up the darkest of days.

"I love you." He said softy so that only I could hear as he leaned in and placed a soft sweet kiss upon my lips. It was the softness of it that made it one of the most passionate kisses he had ever given me and as we parted he added, "Dr. McDermott."


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter 71:

We had a small reception of sorts, it was just those who were there with us, but there was a small wedding cake and Ryan and I shared that first dance and I was able to have the traditional father/daughter dance with my dad. Both of us were exhausted by the time we started that trek back to the room that was to be ours for the next few days. I was still all smiles as we walked back inside and Ryan kicked the door shut with his foot and I collapsed on the bed.

"So Dr. McDermott what would you like to do?" He said smiling down at me.

I looked up at him, "die happy." I said rolling over onto my side as he sat down on the edge of the bed next to me.

"What else?" He gave me that puppy dog grin of his, "tell you what how about I go in there and draw my lovely new wife up a hot bath and we slide into it?"

"Hmm, I think that I like the sound of that." I reached over to where he was and scooted so that my head was in his lap.

"What do you think there little man?"

"What do you mean little man?" I asked, as we both watched the small ripples going across my stomach.

"See little man." He smiled, "I think he likes the idea of me putting his mamma in the tub."

"And how do you know that's not your daughter in their protesting." I asked inquisitively.

He kissed my head before standing up, "I just know."

"And if it is a girl?" I moved to sit up now a little more knowing he was going to get me a hot bath and we'd relax and talk some more.

"Then we try; try again, because my daughters and their mother will outnumber me." He smiled.

I pulled myself up off the bed and followed him into the bathroom as I carefully hung my dress up not wanting anything to happen to it. I heard Ryan start to run the water as I let my hair back down more than ready to get in there as we both settled now into the warm water.

"And would you be upset if you had a daughter and not a son?" I asked.

"No," he said rather quickly in response to my question, "all I want is for you and the baby to be healthy. Girl or boy doesn't really matter as long as you both come through this okay."

I snuggled against him as he wrapped his arms around me and gently rubbed his hands along the bump that was now where our child resided. "I'm glad that you feel that way."

"Do you know how happy I am right now?"

I laughed, "I have a small idea of how happy you are." I knew that I was, today was everything that I hoped it could have been and now I was laying there with my husband, wow that was a scary thought now that the revelations of the day were sinking all the way in.

"I love you Tess." He said as I felt that soft kiss on the side of my neck.

"I hope you do cause you are stuck with me now." I said with a soft nervous laugh. I

"Yeah I know I am."

I could sense that he was smiling from behind me. "I love you too my new husband, I would roll over and give you a kiss but I would upset the balance of the universe and the delicate water balance we have going here."

"Ah but it would be worth it." He said.

"Only you would say that." I answered.

"You know we get to sleep in tomorrow."

"I got to sleep in today." I pointed out to him.

"Don't get to used to it, in a few days we have to go back." He said softly, "but for now it's just us."

"I know then I have to go back to the ER and I am assuming that you have been cleared to be back at the firehouse?" It was nice to be sitting there with him just having a conversation without having to worry about what else was going on.

"Yes, are you sure you are okay with that?"

"That's a loaded question." I said with a soft voice. "I can't promise you that I won't worry when you go out on a call but I know that you have two very special people looking out for you and that they won't let you do anything stupid."

"I would never do anything like that." He said in his defense.

"Oh that's right never the hero."

"I learned my lesson. I plan on coming home to you and Savannah, and well, don't you think we need to start thinking about a name for the baby?"

"Sure we probably should, there are a lot of things we should be thinking about, and you don't want to decide it tonight do you?" I asked.

"No we don't have to decide it tonight." He said holding onto me a little tighter, "tonight I would just rather focus on making my wife a happy woman."

"You don't have to focus to hard on that baby because I already am happy." I said softly.

"For now." He said, "just please don't have any weird cravings tonight Tess, we are kind of out in the middle of nowhere."

"Hey now!" I said reaching back to softly smack him, "you know that's not all my fault."

"No, the other night you sent me out at midnight because you wanted a chocolate milkshake just for the heck of it."

"You are partially responsible you know."

"Yes and I went and got it without complaint now didn't I?"

"You are complaining now." I pointed out.

"No I am not." He said, "just saying that I can't do that tonight no matter how much you bat those eyes at me."

"Point taken." I said, "Sarah Lynn McDermott."

"What?"

"The name for the baby." I said moving to get up out of the tub now that my back was starting to hurt some.

"Where did that come from?"

"I've been thinking about it for awhile." I said as I grabbed a towel.

"And if it's not a girl?"

"It's a girl." I said, "I have this feeling that it's a girl."

"Based off?"

"A feeling it's a girl." I answered back.

"And if it's not?" He asked giving me a sideways look.

"Then I have to come up with another name." I said shrugging my shoulders. "And as you put it we try; try again."

"I still think you are wrong and it's a boy."

"Pretty sure it's a girl." I answered back as I started to pad barefoot over and climb up on the bed, "now get over here and come to bed with me."

"I'm thinking you need that backup name." He said as he crossed over and climbed up next to me, pulling me into him.

"I guess in a few months we will find out." I answered.

"I know it's coming up fast."

"Not fast enough."

"Oh it can't be that bad now is it?"

"I don't know you tell me, I have to pee every 10 minutes, I about killed you on the ride up here and nothing is staying in my stomach when I want it too." I pointed out to him with a soft laugh, "the due date will not get here soon enough."

"If you hit it."

"Not a smart thing to say love."

He smiled at me, "oh come here and let me make it up to you."

We settled in under the covers to spend the rest of the first day of our lives together there just the two of us. I was happy. I had everything that I could have ever wanted and what was shaping up to be a very good life with Ryan.


	72. Chapter 72

Chapter 72:

We returned home and started to settle more into the new house. I had changed my phone number and my name now. I was still working at County now under the name of Dr. Tess McDermott rather than Ross. I was working as many hours as I could knowing that pretty soon I was going to have to take time off after the baby and I didn't know what we were going to do when number two came along. Savannah was at the daycare while I was working or when Ryan had to work. We tried to get out schedules to mesh enough that we could minimize the amount of time that she had to be there.

Today was one of those days where he didn't get off until about 5 am and he needed to be able to get some sleep so I took Savannah to daycare with me and he was going to pick her up at noon so she only spent a few hours there. I was going to meet him with her out front so that he could take her home.

"Daddy!" I heard her scream as we headed out of the ER. Savannah's face lit up anytime she saw Ryan. To him she was her only daddy and for me that had become a relief. I knew that some point in time I was going to have to explain things to her but right now this was as good as it got.

"Savannah girl." He said scooping her up off the ground throwing her up into the air a little before settling her in his arms, "mamma." He leaned in and kissed the side of my cheek.

"Hey honey." I said smiling at him.

"You're not working late tonight are you?" He asked as Savannah kissed his cheek just like he had kissed mine.

"Until seven." I answered.

"You need to cut your hours back here soon." He said.

"I'm not due for another 2 months Ryan. I am fine. I will stop working when I am six weeks away from my due date. It's just a couple of more weeks." I said looking at him with that not today please. "I'll be home later, be good for Daddy Savannah." I leaned in and gave her a soft kiss. "Mommy will see you after dinner and your bath."

"Okay." I heard her chirp in her response to what I had said, not that I needed to say it, she was a good girl for the most part.

"Did you eat?"

"Ryan!" I said giving him that you are pushing your luck with me glare. "I'm pregnant when am I not eating. I am going to be huge at this rate."

"Nope just a very beautiful woman." He said with a smile. "Someone has to worry about you." That smile of his could melt your heart and no matter how mad you were at him or if you wanted to be mad, the minute he flashed that you just had to smile.

"Mommy pretty." Savannah said with a giggle and a smile.

"No fair double teaming." I said as I started to back away it was cold out there and I wanted to get back inside as much as I wanted to stay with them.

"Say goodbye mommy."

"Bye-bye mommy." There was a small wave and her smile.

"Bye baby." I watched them as they started to walk away and head for home. He was good with her and I knew that soon he would be just as gentle and good with our own baby but the one thing that I knew that I wouldn't have to worry about was Savannah being second best with him. He would treat them both the same. He had taken her in and treated her as if she was ours and not just mine.

I headed back into the ER and started to get back to work. It wasn't as busy as I would have liked to have been, when it was busy, the time ended up going by faster. Today I tried not to watch the clock but found myself frequently looking at it wanting to get out of there as soon as I could. My back was starting to ache and my feet were swelling up again. Finally it was almost 6 another hour and I would be able to get home.

"Tess you have a phone call."

"Did they say who it was Debbie?" I said looking at the desk clerk now.

"Nope, but they didn't get the memo that you are married." She said looking at me holding out the receiver towards me. "You might want to make them aware of that."

I gave her a very puzzled look now I didn't know of anyone who would be calling me there unaware of the name change. I took the phone from her, "hello."

There was this chilly silence on the line and no one said anything, "hello?" I repeated now wondering what this was, "Debbie did you hang up on them there's no one there."

"No I didn't they were there when I handed the phone to you." She said looking at me.

I just shrugged my shoulders as I put the phone back, I had no idea who it might have been but if they really needed me they would call back. "Maybe they got disconnected or something, if it's important they will call back." I headed off to finish up what work I needed to get done.

My feet felt like they were going to explode now as I got ready to leave. I pushed the phone call from my head as I started to make my way home. I had to take the EL tonight. Ryan had the car cause he had the baby and it was a little on the late side so I really didn't want him having to drag the baby out after dark and bath time. I felt like there were eyes on me the entire time I was headed home but then I was about the size of a short Goodyear blimp or sure felt like it. Ryan said I was cute with the pumpkin shoved up my shirt look going on. I'm sure that's all it was, I was just catching the attention of strangers on the train and tonight it was just bugging me, probably hormones or something of that nature.

I got off at my stop and headed up towards the house and even though I was off the train now I couldn't shake that feeling that someone was following me, it was one that I hadn't had before and I was not liking it. I had about three more blocks to get to the house and I was getting this bad feeling that tonight I should have had Ryan come and pick me up or that I should have taken a cab.

Then I felt that hand upon my arm. It send shiver up my body and I just tried to keep walking. But it stopped me in my tracks.

"Hello my baby doll."

That voice it was familiar, eerie familiar. I wanted to bolt and run, I wasn't that far from home I could make it couldn't I? I started to run as fast as I could until those arms grabbed me again I pulled me up off the ground my feet no longer under anything solid.

"Now, now, my baby doll there's nothing to fear."

I felt myself coming into contact with the side of a building as he turned me around so that I could look into those eyes once more. Those eyes, they scared me, they made me body tremble uncontrollably. Right now I wasn't sure if I was more afraid for my life or something happening to my unborn baby.

"It's not nice to run away." He said, "baby doll don't run it will hurt if you do."

I knew now that I didn't want to run any more towards the house, there might be that chance that he didn't know where it was and if he didn't then there was no way he could get his hands on anyone other than me.

"Oh, oh, okay." I stammered out now, my hands shaking, my heart pounding.

"You have something of mine and I want it back." He said in a very low voice.

"I… I don't know what you're talking about." I managed to stammer out.

"Oh I think you do baby." He said back to me.

I caught the glint of steel in his hand unsure just what it might have been but I knew it wasn't good. I wanted to back away, to scream, to run, but I was caught, trapped in my own fear. I didn't want to die, I didn't want the baby to die, but yet at the same time I didn't want to be there with this man.


	73. Chapter 73

Chapter 73:

My blood instantly ran cold. I knew that I was in over my head and that right now my best bet was to just do what he wanted, but I needed to keep Savannah safe and that meant under no certain circumstances was I going to let him anywhere near that house.

"Now my baby doll, where's my girl?"

"I don't know, I honestly don't know." I said.

I caught the glint again of the cold steel in his hand and I was afraid, for the first time I was honestly afraid. When I was in Seattle after what he had done, I had always been able to avoid him and I hadn't been there that long. It had just been a few months and we worked opposite shifts I made sure of that. I didn't trust him and I had ever right not to. But now here he had me between a rock and a hard place and rather than not trusting him I was getting the feeling that he had completely fallen off his rocker that he was insane.

"Now how could you not know where your own daughter was?" He said as I felt his hand push me back against the wall of the building that was there. I could feel the cold from the bricks seeping through my jacket, but it wasn't as cold as the tone in his voice.

"Ryan has her. She's spending the night with him and I don't know, Michael please I don't know where they went tonight." My voice was quivering; I really hoped that he would buy it.

"Walk with me darling." He said as he pulled me from where we were standing. "You and I are going to take a little trip." At first I didn't move, I couldn't move. "Come on." He roughly pulled me so that I had to move. There was no one out there and screaming wouldn't do any good when there was no one to hear you.

"I'm… I'm coming." I said as I felt his hand go around my back as if he was going to guide me, and it was at that point that I could feel for the first time what the glint had been, he was holding a gun to my back and the barrel of it was now pushed firmly against my skin.

"I know you are." He said as we continued to walk.

My feet were killing me as we just kept walking. I had no idea where we were going or what he thought he was going to get from me, but Savannah was not up for grabs. He could not have my child. I couldn't let him hurt the baby I was carrying either. Both of my children's lives were at stake and the further that we walked the further away from any kind of help I was. But right now we were walking the opposite direction of the house, not that he knew that and I wasn't going to volunteer that information.

"It's not right." I heard him finally say; although his voice wasn't loud right now it still was cold. "You know that don't you."

"I know, none of this is right." I answered, "why don't we go and sit down and we can talk about this."

"You played me." He said his tone instantly changing again.

"It was an accident it won't happen again."

"Tess that wasn't an accident." He said, "accidents are something that you don't mean to happen, you meant for this to happen. You knew what you were doing when you did it."

"Yes I did." I said, "but you were just as wrong."

"No I wasn't." He shoved me a little and I couldn't help but stumble and go down to the ground before I was roughly pulled back up. "There is nothing wrong with wanting my family together."

"Michael, we never were a family." I could feel the burn now in the palms of my hands from where they had scraped up against the concrete.

"Stop it, we could have been but you went and ruined it all." He pushed again and I went down again, hitting the ground even harder this time. I could feel the blood that was against my palms as he yanked me back up to my feet so that we could keep walking.

We were standing outside a small motel; this must have been where he had been staying while he was in Chicago. I had no idea that he was even in the area or I would have never gone around by myself. He unlocked the door and he shoved me inside the very small dark room, there wasn't much in there and I could barely see more than a couple of feet in front of my eyes, the hadn't adjusted to the darkness all the way yet.

"Sit down." He said before he put an arm up on my shoulder and shoved me down onto the edge of the bed. "I want my daughter."

"Michael I don't…" I felt a stinging, burning sensation, his hand coming in contact with the side of my face.

"Don't play with me Tess."

I didn't say anything; small tears were welling up in my eyes from the pain that had inflicted. I was sure that my face was now red and if not starting to swell up. I could take this, not much of it but I could take it.

He got down into my face and made me look at him. It was as if he knew that I was lying that I knew where they were and I wasn't telling him. When he brought my face up and I was forced to look at him, his eyes were as dark and cold as steel. "I will kill him Tess; mark my words no matter what you say I will. It will be your choice as to whether or not you join him in hell or not."

I sat there; I couldn't do anything else right now. My hands were digging into the bed now to keep me from running for the door. I knew he could overtake me and that was the reason that I hadn't gone for it up to this point.

"How could you not know where your husband and child are at?"

Lie Tess, lie like you have never lied in your life and perhaps you might get out of this alive. "We…" I was having a hard time because I was fighting back those tears, those I didn't have to fake for he had managed to put them there. "We split up… about two weeks ago."

"Really Tess." He said, "I was not born yesterday, you might think that, but I watched you today, that was the sickening sight of a couple who are not broken up." He was right there in my face again, "you are the wrong man's wife, you and Savannah and I should be a family, that should be my child and my family, but no you had to go and ruin it all. All those beautiful plans. I could have made you happy."

I managed to pull my face away from him so that I didn't have to be that close to him anymore. That was the sickening part of it all. He was definitely delusional, that much I could tell. "It wouldn't have happened, nothing could have made that happen Michael I would have never married you, Savannah wouldn't and didn't change that."

My head snapped back as I went flying now from the force of his hand, no that wasn't his hand that was his fist and my body didn't stop until I hit the wall and dropped down to the floor. I couldn't see straight and there was a metallic taste in my mouth that I recognized it was my own blood. I felt my head snap again as he yanked my head up by my hair, "you are going to go over there and you are going to make a phone call to your husband and tell him to meet you here. To bring Savannah and meet you. And then the three of us are going to go to O'Hara and get on a flight back to Seattle."

It dawned on me that getting Savannah for him was going to be difficult if I suddenly went missing. There would be no way that if I didn't come home tonight that Ryan would take Savannah out cause I never didn't show up without calling and that would be a red flag, if anything he would take Savannah to Elizabeth's and Michael would never find him. Killing me wouldn't get him what he wanted; if anything it would make it so that he never got it. "No, I am not going to let her around you, I am not going to let my…" the room started to go black again as I felt my head connect with something hard very hard.


	74. Chapter 74

Chapter 74:

I awoke what had to have been several hours later, still in that same dark room. I was on something that felt soft and as I opened my eyes, I managed to make out that I was lying on the bed rather than on the hard floor where I had landed. My head was pounding and everything was rather blurry. I tried to sit up but I felt hands pushing me back down towards the bed.

"You need to stay laying down baby doll. You hit your head pretty hard."

That much I knew but why all of a sudden was he being so compassionate with me. That was throwing me off, and perhaps that was what he was trying to do. However, at the same time I could feel him gently cleaning off the side of my face. I slowly became more aware of my surroundings, where I was not only laying on the bed but I was between the sheets. Oh, no, he did, he could not have, and he would not do that to me twice. I felt like I was going to be violently ill as I tried to pull away from him. He had once again managed to do the worst thing possible that he could have done.

He put his arm around me pulling me back down onto the bed. "Now baby doll you really need to lay still, we don't want you to get hurt."

I gagged when he kissed my forehead. "Stop it. I am not your baby doll; I am not your anything."

"Yes you are." He said his voice soft, almost as if that was supposed to be comforting. It however was far from what he was trying to show. "You will always be my baby doll, a beautiful woman who should be treasured."

"Not by you." I fought to get away from him with a little more effort now, "how, how could you." I was near hysterically tears now.

"Because I love you, I love you more than he ever could." He said, there was something off in the look in his eyes now. "You shouldn't be with him and I'm going to show you that, we can stay here as long as it takes for you to forget and come back to me. I can forgive you Tess; I want you back with me."

Tears formed in my eyes, "I'm not yours to have. I never have been and I never will be. I don't love you."

"You will in time, I know you can. He has turned your heart against me."

"No he didn't, you don't hurt the people you love like you keep hurting me." I was searching for my shirt while I was backing away from him. I wanted to put my clothes on and leave.

He reached up grabbing and forcing me back down on the bed. "You are mine Tess, and I can do with you as I please."

When he brought his lips down onto mine I bit down as hard as I could, tasting blood that wasn't mine and sending him backing away from me. He was delusional if he thought that I was going to give into him willingly. I didn't wait for him to recover grabbing what ever I could find to cover my body and bolt for the door.

I felt the ground go out from under my feet and a very strong arm throwing me back the direction that I had just run from, bouncing on the mattress when I hit it. Thankful that it was not the wall this time.

"You bitch." He said as I felt the weight of his body on top of mine. "No one does that to me."

My head snapped again, god I wished he would stop doing that. I could feel the sting of the swelling starting to set it. I tried to curl up to protect myself from the blows but he managed to connect again and now I could not see from my left eye and my ears were ringing. I wished that I would just black out from the pain, not wanting to be conscious for what was to come next. I knew what he was going to do.

"Do you think he's going to take you back now?" He hissed into my ear, "do you think he will want the whore of a wife he has back?"

"I am not a whore," I said spitting in his face, "I am not giving you what you want by my own free will you are forcing me. That's rape Michael, plain and simple and I am not letting you get away with it again."

"Who's going to save you darling?" He said, "no one knows you are here, no one knows that I am here. And I can tell you the people that run this place they are not going to care if you scream for help; those pleas will fall on deaf ears."

I looked around the room for something anything that I could use, but he was bigger than I was, stronger, swifter. I wasn't in any shape to fight with him but yet somewhere something inside me told me that I needed to. There had to be a way out of this, I just had to think about it.

"Going to call your husband and tell him that you are holed up in a motel?" He asked, "sob story that you were grabbed on your way home and that's why you have been gone almost all night. Oh I'm sure that he will buy that in the middle of the night."

I was going to get out of there and I was going to get out of there alive. I just needed to keep my head about me and stop feeding his anger. "Yeah that's exactly what I am going to do." I worked my way off the bed now trying to stay calm as I pulled my clothes on, shocked that he was letting me get as far as I had.

"I want to hear this." He said sitting up tossing the phone my direction.

"Oh I'm not going to be calling from here." I said heading for the door now my hand on it.

"Stop Tess," He said with an icy tone, "walking out that door is the last thing that you are going to do."

"What are you going to do Michael shoot me?" I said not turning around. "You kill me and so help me you will never see Savannah, that's what this is all about isn't it. That I took your daughter and ruined your perfect little delusion."

"If I have to yes I will." He said as I heard him cock the gun.

"See you might want to think about that. For you see Savannah has a new last name and well in order to protect her, just as you thought you were doing, her birth certificate has been amended. I was the doctor who was there when she was born. It has my husband listed as her father not you, and you have no proof that she is your child. They will know that it was you."

"You can't kill someone who is already dead." He said, "Isn't that what you have everyone in Seattle believing, that you are already dead."

"But we are not in Seattle now are we?" I said with contempt in my voice. "We are in Chicago, and I never told anyone I was dead. That was a car accident that I had the pleasure of walking away from with out your knowledge. If you thought that I was dead that was your problem not mine."

"I don't have to kill you." He said softly. "That's not what I want. What I want is you and you will come with me willingly when I am done, you will want to be with me. See I could shoot you, put you in excruciating pain and let you live but your child, that bastard's child inside you will be a casualty of your bad decisions." I had my hand still resting on the door about to bolt out of it. "I suggest my dear that you take your hand off that door and come back to this bed before I put a bullet in your belly."

I stood there stuck between being so close to being free and knowing that he was holding that gun but unsure if, I really wanted to find out if he could shoot the damn thing or not.

"Now Tess, come back to bed. I am not joking, we can do this the easy way or you can do it the hard way."

I could hear the anger in his voice starting to rise, he was a doctor who had taken an oath not to take a life, and here he was threatening to take away the life of my child. I was scared that he would do that but more scared that he would miss and that I would end up dead.

"You don't want Savannah to grow up without a mother now do you?"

I pulled my hand back from the door now. "Disarm the gun." I said, "I am not going to be near you if you have that cocked."

"You have no say in it Tess." He said.

"Yeah right like I am going to come over there get into bed with you while you have a loaded and ready to fire weapon. What do you take me for an idiot?" I said as I slowly backed away from the door now in a good faith try to get him to calm down effort.

I heard him now disarm the weapon; I sat down against the wall with some distance between that bed and me. I just had to sit and bide my time, he had to fall asleep eventually and I would use that to make my escape.


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter 75:

He leaned against the headboard and I didn't take my eyes off him. I didn't trust him and I was sure that he knew it. However, my guard was up and I wasn't going to let it down anytime soon. There was also no way in hell that I was getting up on that bed next to him. I was almost afraid of what he might do if I fell asleep again. He had done it once already and I couldn't let him get me in a position where he could do it again. After about sitting there for 20 minutes I heard him grunt, get up off the bed and the next thing I knew he had me up and back on the bed. I didn't even have time to protest being moved. I went to slide back off the bed when his hand went across my chest.

"Don't be so damn stubborn." He said, "get some sleep."

"I'm not tired." I said back to him pushing his arm away from me.

"Sure you are you can see it on your face." He said softly now, "you would get that look when you were working doubles in Seattle."

"Yeah well I didn't sleep then and I don't need to sleep now."

"You would go and hide in the on-call room when you thought that no one was looking for you." He said.

"I don't feel like talking with you right now."

"Well, you'd better feel like it here pretty quick like or get some sleep because those are your only two options." He said rather shortly.

I didn't say anything. I was trying to ignore him. I was tired, but there was no way that I was going to go to sleep not when getting out of here depending on being awake when he went to sleep. I got up to move off the bed heading for what I hoped was the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" He said bolting up to his feet.

"I'm eight months pregnant in case you haven't noticed." I said rather sarcastically, "and well I have to pee, you can not have a problem with that."

He backed off just a little bit.

"Thank you." I kept the sarcasm in my voice.

"Leave the door open."

"What?" I looked at him, "oh hell no."

"Leave the door open."

"Oh for Christ's sake where the hell do you think I am going to go? Do I look like I am going to fit out the window in there?" Oh, this was so not funny. "I am going in and I am closing the door behind me. You will sit there and you will leave me alone." There went the hormones again. The part that ever woman hated and that could scare the most loving of husbands. "Going in there is not to much to ask now is it? I have done just about everything else you have asked now you can give me that can't you? Huh, what more do you want from me?" Swing, reel it back in Tess before you get yourself shot was all I could think but they weren't cooperating.

"You can leave the door open."

"No I can't," I said as the downside came. Once you went up coming back down was always hell. "I just want to go in there and close the door," tears started flowing. "Could you please, just this once, please let me have one simple request to use the bathroom in peace?"

He backed away a couple more steps as if he hadn't been expecting that, well honestly I hadn't either, hormone swing sure, just not over something like this. But this was just the start of it. He had started something that was completely out of my control, which pissed me off at the same time. He just stood there starring at me.

"Well, you think that's okay?" I said from behind the tears. "I'm fat, I'm tired, there's a two ton elephant playing soccer with my very full bladder make up your mind."

"Go… go ahead." He just shook his head, "why don't you take a shower while you are in there. Are you hungry?"

"No I am not…" I thought about it for a second, "yeah I think… no I'm… well maybe just a…"

"I'll order you a pizza." He said. He was still wide eyed standing there. I don't know if he thought that he was being helpful or just what he was doing, but I was not eating a pizza.

"Don't bother." I said as I shut the bathroom door behind me and took care of what I needed to, I turned on the bathtub facet and let it fill up not really thinking that much about it as I slipped down into the water with the door locked right now I had some reprieve from the man in the other room.

I sank down into the water and closed my eyes, oh I was tired, I ached and the night seemed to be dragging on forever. I didn't want to be there but it seemed like I was stuck until I could find a way out. He wasn't going to go to sleep.

"Tess, come out of there." I heard his voice call. It was followed by a banging on the door, "you've been in there for over two hours."

I must have drifted off in the tub, "yeah, yeah I'm coming don't get your panties in a knot." I called as I moved to get out of the tub. When I managed to finally get to where I could get out of the tub standing up there was this horrible pain that shot down through me like fire. It took me a minute to recover.

"Tess, now I mean it."

"I'm coming." I pulled open the door not standing up all the way yet, I had managed to get half dressed, but that was about all that I had managed to do. Staying in that doubled over position I got over to the bed and sat down so that I could get the rest of my clothes on.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Do I look it?" I snapped.

"What is it?" He asked.

I was trying to breathe and I just looked at him with this icy glare. It was all that I could manage to get out. This hurt more than I remember it hurting the last time.

"Oh don't even try that." He said looking at me as if I was nuts. "I am not buying it."

I rolled my eyes he wasn't buying it and I wasn't faking it. I watched as he laid down and stretched out on the bed with his hands behind his head. "You might as well lay down Tess, hope you are up on your Lamaze if you really are because you're going to have to do it drug free."

"I am not having my baby in this hell hole." I said looking at him.

"You're not leaving."

Oh, I was so not doing this with him right now. I stood there for a few more minutes, and there it was again, I was hurting something horrible again, 10 minutes according to the clock, when it let up and I looked down it was perfectly clear my water had just broken, but it wasn't clear, the fluid was not clear, it was bright red. "Well then I'm a dead woman."


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter 76:

He looked at me as if we were in the middle of a stand off. "I'm a doctor Tess; I think I can handle delivering a baby."

"Michael." I said looking at him, "I don't doubt that you could, but this is not a time to test those skills, something isn't right."

"It's a baby." He said moving over towards me, "I'm sure you are just over reacting." He reached my side and put an arm around me lifting me up off the ground and taking me over to the bed. "I'm not going to hurt you, you have to trust me right now, and I can do this."

Trust, he wanted me to trust him that was so not happening. "We need to go, Michael we need to go."

"Relax Tess would you." He said.

I didn't want him touching me, let alone poking his nose around down there. "I can't, it hurts, there's something not right, this isn't right."

"How would you know?" He snapped.

I lifted my head up from the bed, "hello, I've done this before." I said as another contraction swept over my body. I watched the color drain from his face. That was no reassuring and it was not sitting well with me either. "What?" There was no answer from him, "what is it Michael, don't you dare stop talking right now."

I felt his hands go back under my body, "we're going."

"Where are we going?" I said trying not to grimace from the pain, "I'm cold we can't go. I need a blanket or something, Michael it's freezing in here." My eyes wanted to close now; I was so tired and needed to sleep.

"Here," he stopped just long enough to take the blanket off the bed wrapping it around me, "Tess talk to me, don't go to sleep."

"I want to." My body was starting to shiver now as my temperature dropped and I could feel my heart beating just a little faster in my chest.

"No, you talk to me." I heard the door shut behind us and then came the soft bounce of him hurrying across the parking lot. "Talk to me Tess."

I couldn't keep my eyes open. I felt the car seat under me and didn't say anything I was drifting off and I knew it.

There was a gently shaking of my shoulder, which got more and more intense, "Tess damn it, Tess!"

"Yeah, I'm still home." I said in a very soft voice.

"Look at me." I heard the car engine turn over.

"I am." I said turning my head so that I could look at him.

"That's it beautiful, you just keep those eyes open for me and talk to me, tell me anything you want."

"Fuck off." I said another contraction hit, and I doubled over in the small confining space of the car.

"That works." Michael said as I heard the squeal of tires of wet pavement.

I sank back into the seat again as the wave passed; I was just so cold and even under the blanket I could feel the shaking getting worse. "I'm dying aren't I?"

"You are not going to die Tess; I'm not going to let you."

"Too late," I somehow manage to get out, this is not looking good and I know it, deep in my heart, I have this sinking feeling that I am never going to see my husband again. "Did you grab my bag?" I knew that sounded like a bizarre question.

"No just your id card."

"Great," I mutter rather sarcastically, from half open eyes I watch as he ran a red light and we were going way to fast right now. "Slow down, red does not mean go at the speed of light Michael."

He did not say anything back to me. My eyes drifted shut again, I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head.

"Whoa, Tess, you have to wake up, baby doll wake up!"

I came back to consciousness just enough to hear the sound of screeching tires and to be surrounded by the sound of crunching metal. That did not feel good. The impact from the car sent my head snapping, not being belted in the right way I slipped down as the passenger side door buckled in towards me. The dash coming close as I know that I hit my head against it, I was now sandwiched between the dash and the door, there was no way in hell I was going anywhere. I could feel blood dripping down my face not and there was shards of glass everywhere. I just couldn't keep them open, I wanted to but I couldn't. The last thing I remembered was hearing people screaming as I gave into the darkness.


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter 77:

Passerby's who happened to witness the car we were in go flying through yet another red light and hit by the truck called 911. Michael managed to pull himself free of the wreckage and tried to get me out knowing I was badly hurt. He called out to me several times and didn't get a response from me. I was embedded inside the twisted metal that he couldn't pull me free. He backed away from there looking around; he needed help getting me out of there. He knew that I was going to bleed out if they didn't get some help and get it soon. Michael heard the sirens in the background and new that they would be there in a matter of minutes.

I could hear what was going on around me yet I couldn't get my eyes to open. It was as if they were cemented shut. There were sounds in the background and I could hear what sounded like that of a fire truck. I managed to get them open just enough so that I could see something that looked like a fire engine in the distance looking out the open driver's seat door. I was under something, I instantly knew it was the dash of the car, that the impact had pushed me down so that I was under the dash, I couldn't move though, the door had come in and my leg was caught somewhere between the door and the underside of the dash. I could feel my fingers but couldn't move that arm either, something cold and sharp would push against it every time I tried to move it.

I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer as they fluttered shut, I hoped and I prayed that it was Ryan's company that was responding to the call, that somehow this nightmare that I had found myself trapped in, never ending was about to come to an end.

The fire engine came to a halt at the scene of a car wreck. Ryan was working with Paul and Mitch tonight and they were all ready for something, unsuspecting of where their evening was about to go, it seemed like an average run of the mill response to a two car collision.

The driver of the car was already out when Ryan's company arrived at the scene. "Sir?" Ryan asked, coming up to the man. "Sir? Are you alright?" He watched as Paul and Mitch went over to the vehicle being told that there was still someone inside. Ryan glanced over at the twisted metal; if anyone was in there odds were they were not still alive. It didn't resemble much of a car anymore.

The man was pacing around nervously, and Ryan was automatically on guard. "I'm fine." The man stated. "I just hit my head."

As Ryan began to do an initial assessment, Michael became even more nervous. Before Ryan could finish taking the man's Blood Pressure, an identification card fluttered out of the patient's pocket. Slowly fluttering until it hit the ground. It caught his attention as Michael went just as quickly to pick it up.

Michael's quick reaction to it falling forced Ryan to take a second look and as he glanced at the name and the photo on the ID card, his blood ran cold. The name on the card read Tess McDermott. "How in the hell did you get this?" Ryan's heart was pounding in his chest. All at once, it struck him. Michael. This was Michael. He could see some his daughter's features in this man's face, and now he had his wife's, not to mention his missing wife's ID card on him.

His Irish temper flew as he saw nothing but red. Ryan felt nothing but contempt for this man. Ryan was unable to forget how badly he had hurt his wife. No man should ever get away with what he had, what he had done no woman, especially his Tess, deserved to have done to her. He couldn't control himself when it came to his family and Tess and Savannah where his family. Ryan threw himself at the man in a fight provoking tackle, the taller man was not solid and Ryan easily knocked him down. "What did you do to her? Where is she?" Ryan hit Michael so hard in the mouth that his teeth shattered, blood dripping from his face, the impact from his fist into Michael's face ended up leaving Ryan's hand bloody as well.

Within seconds, Craig and Paul had seen what Ryan was doing to the driver of the car and were pulling Ryan off Michael. There were more pressing matters and they couldn't let him kill the man.

"Son of a bitch," Ryan was fuming now, still with enough fight inside him to want to make this man pay with the hurt he could inflict upon him.

"Ryan! Ryan! Forget about him, man." Paul had his arms under Ryan shoulder on one side, but with as made and worked up as Ryan was Paul wasn't able to hold onto him alone. He escaped their hold and nailed another shot squarely in the mans ribs while he sitting in a hunched position.

Mitch and Paul now both had a better grip on their friend pulling him backwards away. The turned him now so that as they walked away his back was to the man. Mitch tried now to get him to focus on what he was saying now, "Ry, Tess was in the car."

Ryan felt as if his world had come to a grinding halt. The fight instantly leaving his body, worry setting in now as he could see the side of that car and the destruction that the wreck had caused, surely he had to have heard them wrong for he knew it would take a miracle for anyone to have survived being on that side of the car. "What?" He asked as he stopped walking a look of shock and disbelief had crossed replacing the anger in his eyes.

"Tess was in the car. Come on, she needs you." Mitch watched the expression on his friends face change and he knew he had every reason to be worried, if that had been his wife he would have reacted the same way.

Tess was in the car; those words were more than enough for him to hear as they echoed in his head Ryan bolted toward the mangled car. Most of the damage was on her side and he could see his friends working to free her. Her went to the heavily damaged side and tried to touch her. "Tess? Baby, come on. Open your eyes."

Before he could get a response or she any sign of life in her, he was shoved out of the way by Paul, who had the Jaws of Life with him. "Ryan, get out of the way."

Ryan ran to the other side and made his way inside the wreck. He stripped off his turnout coat and used it to protect her. "Tess? Open your eyes for me. Come on baby."

I managed to get my eyes to flutter when I heard his voice. I was trying to fight my way back for him, but every time I came close to getting them there, it hurt so bad that everything went black again.

I could hear the desperation in his voice, those words as he tried again. "Tess, please! Wake up."

Then he heard a sound that made his heart plummet. Her voice was barely above a whisper, but he caught her words.

"Ryan? I'm scared."


	78. Chapter 78

Chapter 78

I wanted to keep my eyes open but I just couldn't. It shot through me like a hot searing fire. I couldn't help but scream there was no where for me to go, I couldn't curl up to escape the pain. My body shook from the combination of the pain, being cold and I was so scared. I blacked out again for a minute; it was so hard to stay awake, as I knew I needed to.

"I need a c-collar in here now." I heard Ryan yell as I went to turn my head. "Hold still baby, you have to hold still."

"Please get me out." I said trying to keep the panic out of my voice.

"I will baby, I promise." He said softly, "Mitch and Paul are working on it; they are going to help me get you out of here."

Oh, I hated C-collars especially when they were around my neck. Everything was hurting now from my head to my toes. "I don't need that." I protested.

"Little stick baby." He said, "Yeah you do, you've hit your head and been in and out."

"The baby, the baby," I was nearly crying from the pain now.

"I'm going to get you and the baby out of here; you just have to trust me Tess."

"No, no, you don't understand." I said tears were in my eyes. I tried to move again and felt his hand on my shoulders as he tried to keep me still. "My water broke."

"It will be okay." Ryan said somehow his voice seemed so calm and I knew that he was trying to keep me calm.

"The fluid, it wasn't clear." I said, "oh, ouch." I wanted to curl up but his hand and my leg being caught were keeping me where I was.

"Contractions, Tess are you having contractions?" Now his voice was one that held a little more worry to it.

"How far apart do you think they are, do you know baby?"

"No I don't know. I don't know." I said starting panic again.

I felt the cold air from outside hit my skin down by my legs and the feeling that I could move the arm and the leg that had been pinned, "hey beautiful."

"Mitch, please…" my sentence was cut off by another contraction.

Both men feel silent for a moment. With the metal pulled away it was clear, that both the baby and I were in serious trouble. And I knew from the silence and the looks on their faces that it was bad.

"We've got to get her out. Where's the board." Ryan seemed to be taking charge and I did not know if that was a good thing or not. The next thing I knew, Ryan was cradling my head as the three men not waiting slipped me out of the car and I felt the hard ground under me. "Don't move Tess, you have to stay still for me baby, I mean it."

"Where's Michael?" I managed to ask, I was scared. I didn't hide that from my voice because I knew that he was around somewhere and was still armed. "Where is he?"

"I don't know baby." Ryan said, "but he's not going to hurt you I'm here, Mitch is here so is Paul, you're safe baby."

"You don't understand, he's…" before I could finish that sentence, I could hear that damn cold voice.

"Let go, she's asking for me, let me go."

"Don't… no…" I started to panic, knowing he still had that gun. "keep him the hell away from me." I was starting to hyperventilate and if they hadn't been holding me I would have bolted from where they had me laying on the ground.

"Tess settle down baby, calm down."

"That's my girl in there, she needs me, Tess is my woman, Savannah is my daughter, I need to be with the mother of my child."

"No don't please dear god no don't let him near me again. I can't let him do that again." I could feel the tears running down my cheeks now.

Baby...No one is gonna let that bastard near you. I promise."

"Ryan no he's…"

"Christ, he's got a gun," those words echoed across the night as if everything had stopped I was gripped once again in fear.

Mitch, Paul and Ryan formed this half circle around me as if they were cowboys protecting the wagon.

"Drop your weapon!" One of the police officers that responded to the accident yelled to Michael. "Drop your weapon Now, Dammit!"

Michael was coming closer and closer and he had the gun pointed directly at Ryan. "You son of a bitch! This is all you fault! She loves me!"

It took everything that I had to move, fear, pain, it all gripped me yet I knew that the person on the end of that barrel was the love of my life. I needed to try and defuse the situation. I wanted him to rot in hell for what he had done.

"You're right baby I do." I said pushing the two of the men out of the way as I struggled to get to my feet. There was this surge of adrenaline from somewhere and for the moment it was numbing any pain that I was feeling, euphoric effect, the doctor inside me knew that this was not what I should have been doing. However, the mother and wife inside me was telling me to do something to get him so that my husband didn't end up shot. I was drenched in my own blood and knew I didn't have much time. "Put the gun down baby, and we'll walk away from this." I was trying to tell him what I knew the insane bastard wanting to hear.

"Tess," Ryan's voice was so small I was the only one that could hear it. "Stop get back here."

I could feel his hand on my shoulder but I moved so that I was now standing in front of him so that I had to force Michael's attention back onto me. It only seemed to take a second, but it was the longest second of my life. It was as if everything was now in slow motion, Michael's attention turned from Ryan back onto me. "You have to put the gun down; I can't do anything if you don't. I want to help you, baby please you own it to Savannah."

I watched as the police moved into position knowing and said a silent prayer that after he nearly killed me in the car, that I didn't get my own ass shot right now, and knowing that if I didn't Ryan was going to kick it.

"I love you Tess. I want my family." He said taking another step towards me.

I put my hand up to get him to stop moving, if I could get him too just drop the goddamn gun it would end with out any shots being fired. "I know, put the gun down, and please just put the gun down. We'll make it all be okay if you can do that for me, Michael please listen to me, put the gun down." I took one look over my shoulder; Ryan was whiter than I was.

"I can't." He said looking at me, it was as if he was thinking about taking another step closer and he didn't lower his weapon. That was making us all nervous. I didn't think that I was getting through to him. "It's too late and we both know it. If I can't have you neither can he."

The officer knowing there was now no other choice, gave one final warning to drop his weapon before he opened fire. I watched as Michael took one more step towards us and then one clear shot rang out. I could see his body jerk from the impact of that one single bullet tearing through his flesh. Michael fell to his knees and looked at the wound in his chest that was seeping blood before he collapsed completely. I started to gag when I realized that the shot had been fatal and that he was now dead, even though he couldn't hurt me that was a sight that was probably going to stay with me.

Oh god, there it was again. I screamed out in horrible pain and before I hit my knees, there were the three men, Ryan, Mitch and Paul keeping me on my feet.

"Tess that was the most stupid thing that you could have done. You could have gotten yourself killed." Ryan snapped at me, you could see the worry on his face now.

"Baby," all I could muster was a single word. I shouldn't have been able to stand let alone just pull off what I did but adrenaline did superhuman things to people.

"What?"

"No baby." I grimaced as another one hit. They were coming close now. I knew that it wouldn't be much longer before the baby was going to be coming into the world. It was now out of my hands and while I would have been happier if we were in the ER, I knew they would get me there as soon as they could. Surely I had a few more… oh no there was another one; we weren't going to have much time. "Water broke, baby's coming."

They moved quickly to get me laying me back down on the gurney, as they made a mad dash for the back of the ambulance. I didn't want to be laying down right now because it seemed to just make everything hurt more. I didn't remember it hurting like this when I had Savannah, something wasn't right and I couldn't put my finger on it.

"No, oh no, no I have got to sit up," I said, "push I need to push."

"Oh, no," Ryan said as they put me in the back and he jumped in next to us, the door going closed, His face was white and getting whiter by the minute. And there was a nervous or scared tone in his voice that I was starting to pick up on. "Tess you can't push, we are still ten minutes out from the ER, don't you dare…."

"You have no say anymore." I said and the look that crossed my face told him I was not joking and we were going this my way. "You're a damn doctor I am having this child now and you will help me or so help me god you will never, and I mean NEVER touch me again."


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79:

"Tess no, no don't you push baby please." He said as I watched all the color go out of his face.

"Ryan, look at me." Oh man why did I have to try and be the strong one right now? I think it was because I knew that we didn't have time to debate this and whether he wanted to or not this was happening now. "We are going to have to do this, we have to do it together baby I can't do it myself." I had to close my eyes as another contraction washed over my body. "Ryan, please I don't want anyone else to do this." I glanced in the direction of the paramedic in the back of the rig with us, "please come on anyone but Nick, you can't let Nick be down there."

"Tess I haven't delivered a baby in months." He said, "I don't know if I can remember how to do it, let alone my own baby."

"We'll…" I grimaced again, "you don't have a bloody choice right now goddamn it, I am having this baby and either you are going to help me or I am throwing you out the back door." Oops.

"Okay," he said rolling his eyes at me now as he moved from my side.

"Watch it," I snapped back to the driver, "I'm having a baby, stop with the potholes and sharp corners."

I watched now as Ryan was down at the other end of the gurney, "okay baby." His voice all of a sudden was very soft and I could see that he was nervous, scared and now fully concentrated on what he had to do. The next one hit, "push baby push. One… Two… three…"

I listened to him count as I gave it everything I had left in me. It hurt like there was no tomorrow and from that I knew that we were getting close, god I had better be getting close or we were never having sex again.

"Stop, baby, don't push." He said, "heads out, Nick give me the bulb syringe."

I started to pant, god don't push was harder than everyone thought that it was.

"Okay baby," he said after a minute, "one more, one more, make it a good one."

"Jesus, stop with the freaking orders." I snapped back at him as I did what I was told and then the ambulance was filled with the sounds of a newborn infant's screams. I fell back against the back of the gurney now.

"It's a boy, Tess we have a baby boy."

I could see a smile creeping across Ryan's face now. He placed the baby on my chest and Nick covered us both up with a blanket. I held onto that little one as best I could. I was so tired right now.

"Welcome to the world little man." I said softly as my eyes feel across my son, my baby boy. Ryan and I had a little boy. I looked up at him, "that's your daddy you just met my little Kevin." I had a set of names picked out already for either a boy or a girl, and well I wouldn't be using the girl names now.

I saw a single tear fall from Ryan's eye now, "Kevin huh, that's what you want to name him."

I looked up at Ryan, "yes, what do you think Kevin Douglas McDermott." I had liked the name I just hadn't told anyone the ones that I had picked out knowing that Ryan wouldn't have a problem with his first born son being named after his father and mine as well.

"I think it's just perfect." He said as I watched him keep working, he hadn't looked up at me very long.

My eyes rolled back into my head for a minute and I was having a very hard time breathing now. I knew it couldn't have been because of the baby sitting on my chest. "Nick… take him…" I said as both men looked at me.

I felt Nick take the baby off my chest.

"How far out are we?" I heard Ryan's voice.

"Five minutes."

"We needed to be there five minutes ago." I heard Ryan's voice again. "Hang another liter wide open she's losing blood, lots of blood."

"She's tachycardic."

"That's cause she's going into shock, squeeze that saline in." Ryan said. "Call in and tell them that we are coming in, we need a trauma room and a surgeon down there now."

"Ryan you need to stop." Nick said, "you shouldn't be working on her."

"Nick she asked me too, hell she told me too." Ryan said as he just kept right on working, "I'm not going to just stop and let her die."

"She's not going to." He said. "Here take the baby, hold your son and let me work on Tess."

I managed to get my eyes open enough to look at him again, Nick was about to slip that mask over my face. "I love you…." I said in a weak soft voice, "I love both of you… listen to him."

"I love you too baby." Ryan said moving over so that it was out of Nick's way with the baby in his arms.

It felt like my chest was now going to explode, my heart was pounding. "I'm so sorry; Ryan I am so sorry; make sure he knows I love him, that he never forgets me." I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I couldn't get in any air and everything around me went black. The last thought passing through my head was that I had brought our son safely into the world and he was now in his father's arms, in good hands.

"Tess… Tess… Come on open your eyes."


	80. Chapter 80

Chapter 80:

"Tess, Tess," Ryan held his son close to his chest now as he watched his wife's eyes close and not reopen when he called her name, "come on baby stay with me."

That short trip to Country was the longest ambulance ride that Ryan had ever taken. He watched as Nick worked his hardest to keep her with him. His arms were shaking as he realized the seriousness of everything. He was stuck forced to watch the blood rushing out of her body as fast and they had no way of putting it back into her right now, she needed a trauma room, with doctors, real doctors and real medical equipment.

He felt the rig come to a screeching halt and not more than 2 seconds later the door come flying open.

Standing there when the doors open were familiar faces. "Abby, John." Ryan said as he watched them pull the gurney with her on it out of the back of the door and he could barely make out what Nick was saying. His eyes never left her.

"Ryan has the baby, healthy boy." Nick said, "the baby is in good shape."

Ryan at that moment in time snapped back into reality. Baby he was holding onto the baby. He needed for both of them to be okay. He didn't want to gain a son to only lose his wife. He followed not more than a step behind, wanting to help out to do something but there was nothing he could do and he knew his hands were tied. Tied the same way that Tess's had to have been the night that they brought him in there.

The door of the trauma room went shut him standing on the other side of the glass. He looked down at the small bundle in his arms, so unsure of what to do. They were pushing him out of the way and knew that it wasn't the place for a baby to be.

One of the nurses took a well shocked Ryan by the arm. "Come on." She kept her voice soft with him as she guided him down the hall into the next room. He could still seem them working on Tess in there and what he saw him hurt. It hurt to see her like that, he wished at that very moment that he could trade places with her, that it was him lying there and not her, to take away the pain that she had to be feeling. He felt the small bundle being lifted from his arms and his eyes instantly fell from Tess to his son.

He watched as she slowly cleaned the baby off and wrapped him up in a tiny blue blanket placing a small blue hat upon his head before handing him back to his father. Ryan was more than happy to have Kevin back in his arms.

"Does he have a name?"

Ryan looked up with a sad heartbroken smile on his face, "Kevin." It was the best that he could do for an answer, "that's his mom." It was then again that his eyes went over to Tess. John and Abby were moving very fast and there was a lot of commotion in there right now.

In all the months that they had been planning for his arrival, the shopping trips, Tess's mood swings, her cravings, all the odd things that he had to do for her, never one had he imagined that this was what Kevin's arrival into the world was going to be like. Happy to have a son of his own to be holding onto his flesh and blood, the one who could carry on his name. He knew that the love of his life, the person who had helped create his new joy lay possibly dying and he couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.

He absent mindedly kissed the top of the baby's forehead holding him in his arms finding comfort in rocking the small baby who was oblivious to all that was going on around him and how perilous the entire situation was. The baby for the first time started to make some noise, he had been so quiet up until now that it almost scared Ryan to death. What did he know about a baby, very little that was for sure. He rocked him a little more now, "hey, hey there little one, it's not that bad now." He pulled the baby in closer to his chest laying him so that he was resting across his heart, "there, there, it's okay; we'll be okay baby boy."

He watched as they frantically kicked the breaks off the gurney that Tess was laying on and he couldn't help but notice the bright red of the sheets under her. He pushed the door open trying to catch up to find out something, anything, that was going on.

Abby stopped and turned looking for him now as John kept going with the gurney, "Ryan we need consent."

"Consent for… for what?" He stammered now a little.

"Tess is bleeding and we cant get it stopped down here in the ER, Dr. Albright is taking her up for surgery right now, I need you to sign the consent for emergency exploratory surgery and a hysterectomy." She held out the chart. "Her spleen is lacerated and we think it clotted over after the accident but ruptured again." Abby was trying to explain it with out wasting any more time, "Just know Ryan that we will do everything we can for her but I need you to sign this now." She had to be forceful with him. She needed to be able to care for Tess and Ryan was the only one right now who could give permission.

With a shaking hand he took the pen from Abby. Ryan didn't want to sign he, he didn't know if that's what Tess would want to have done, but he didn't want his wife to die either. With little hesitation now he wrote his name across the bottom giving them permission to treat his wife. "Just don't let her die Abby." He said looking down at his infant son, "we need her."

Abby reached out quickly but with compassion she touched his arm, "we will do everything that we can for her Ryan. She's in good hands."

As he watched her walk away to catch up to Carter, he couldn't help but let a tear run down his face. Ryan was worried and scared. He'd never been in a position like this before and really didn't know what he was supposed to do. Here he was now with a baby and a toddler at home, well with Elizabeth right now, but still he had two children and he needed her to be with him. As much as he needed his wife, these kids needed their mother.

He started walking with his head down not making eye contact now with anyone for the family room in the ER; he knew that was the place where he could make the phone call that he needed to make. He needed to call Doug and Carol to let them know what had happened to their daughter and to let them know that they had a grandson.

He got about half way there when the baby started to cry now again. "Hey, hey my baby." His voice so soft with the newborn. "What's a matter Kevin huh?" He was wide eyed as he looked at the baby.

"He's probably hungry." Said a voice from behind him.

Ryan looked up. Standing there was Craig and his wife Marcy. "Oh, yeah he probably is."

Marcy walked over and sat down next to Ryan now. She held out her arms for him to put the baby in and she started to rock him softly back and forth, "why don't I see if I can find him something to eat. I'm sure that they have formula down here for him."

Ryan nodded, at least someone seemed to know what to do, he was a little more than lost at the moment and it was starting to show.

"How is she doing?" Craig asked.

Ryan shrugged his shoulders now, "they just took her up to surgery. I need to call her parents and let them know what's going on. I haven't gotten that far yet. And I have to figure out what to do with Savannah for now too."

"Marcy and I can take her if you need us to; Mary Ellen loves to have her to play with."

Ryan looked up at him, but his eyes were almost looking through him. "Yeah that would be good." He didn't know how he was going to do all of this but knew that he would find the way to get it all taken care of. He had too; people were depending on him now.

Marcy returned with Kevin now and a bottle for him, "did you want to do this or do you want me too?" She asked no sure what would make Ryan feel any better than he was right now, but sometimes a new baby was overwhelming and with Tess upstairs she knew he was going to need all the help he could get right now.

"Uh no I want to." Ryan said holding out his arms to take the baby back from her.

"I'll call Doug and Carol for you." He said, "you spend some time here for a minute." Craig touched Ryan's arm as he went to leave to make the call for him, "Marcy there can give you pointers, god knows she gave me enough when Mary Ellen was born."

The phones calls were made, planes caught and in the wee hours of the morning Doug and Carol arrived back in Chicago once more. They thought that their next trip to Chicago was going to be a joyous one, to celebrate the birth of their grandchild. While they had a health grandson, they were worried about their daughter. Every one was on pins and needles now as the time that Tess was in surgery dragged on without a word for them. Doug paced, Ryan wrung his hands and the baby was passed back and forth from Grandparent to grandparent back to parent. Kevin seemed to have become a source of comfort, a ray of hope for them all to hang onto tonight while they waited to see if his mother was going to make it through her ordeal.


	81. Chapter 81

Chapter 81:

Tess came through surgery. She had been hurt worse than they had originally thought but after 12 hours they had managed to get to the point where they could have her in recovery and a few hours later, Doug, Carol, Ryan and the baby were gathered around her bedside. It was still a waiting game. One that none of them wanted to play.

The emotions that Ryan had, somehow by the grace of God he managed to keep pushed back so that he could stay focused on the newest member of their small family. He knew Kevin was totally dependent upon him and he didn't want to let him down. He had been helping Tess raise Savannah, but Kevin was almost out of his realm.

Ryan was given time off from the stationhouse to care for his newborn baby while his wife was in the hospital. Family always came first, and Ryan didn't even ask for it, his captain, straight away put him on leave. Most of his time was now spent between the hospital and home with his two children. Doug, Carol and Ryan spent countless hours rotating so that someone was always there in hopes that hearing them, and knowing they were there would be enough to somehow bring her all the way back to them.

Those long hours turned into days. And yet the days were almost as quickly turning into weeks. Soon a full three weeks had passed since the accident and there was no sign that Tess was waking up. While she was breathing on her own power and her heart was beating it its own stable rhythm; Tess laid there comatose. The frustrating part of the ordeal for her family was that no one knew exactly why she wasn't waking up.

Kevin turned a month old today and still hadn't seen his mother open her eyes and the only time she had held him was for that brief moment right after he was born, before she had slipped into that very deep sleep. Ryan was slowly slipping into his role of sole caretaker, yet things seemed much easier now that he had Carol there to help him. She didn't appear to mind having a baby to take care of once again.

Having Savannah was another story and was much more difficult. She couldn't understand what was going on and why mommy couldn't come home. She missed her mother and Ryan knew it. Despite his bad feeling about it, he decided that perhaps it would be best to take Savannah to the hospital with him, unsure if it really was the right or the wrong thing to do with someone so young.

"Mama," Savannah called out when they walked into the room, safely in a perch, up in her father's arms.

"She's sleeping darling." Ryan said softly as they walked closer to the bed.

"Wake up mama." She replied her eyes going from her mama to Ryan, "daddy wake up mama."

"I can't baby girl. We have to wait for mama to wake up for us." It wasn't much of an answer but he was the only answer that he could come up with for her.

"Soon Daddy?" Savannah now asked.

"I don't know baby girl, I hope mama wakes up soon." He said keeping his voice small and soft with her.

"I want my mama." She said as she slowly started to cry, those giant tears that could rip out the iciest of hearts.

"I know baby." He didn't know anymore what to do to make the little one feel any better. "I'm sure she will wake up really soon and be very happy to see you." He shifted a little now holding onto her a little tighter, but at least Savannah got to see Tess. Before the left he had set her down on the bed close enough so that she could give her mama a hug and a kiss.

Doug and Ryan were sitting there now in the hospital room that was becoming a second home to them all. Carol and Kevin had come by and had taken Savannah home with them. They were all worried but none more than Ryan.

Ryan about bolted from the bed where he had been sitting, "Doug, she moved."

Doug almost found it hard to believe; almost getting that sense of feeling that if he did believe it he was setting himself up for disappointment.

"Come back to us baby." Ryan said softly as thy stood watching and waiting, "squeeze my hand if you can hear us." He waited a few minutes, it felt eternity. He was trying not to hold his breath as he waited for another response from her. Yet there wasn't another one from her again. His heart sand as he started to feel as if he imagined it. That was until she moved again, this time it was seen by Doug as well.

"Come on baby girl, open your eyes." He knew he was probably rushing things that people never instantly came out of comas like that but he had to try, to keep talking to her to try to reach her.

Doug watched as her body went from being stiff and rigid to more relax as if now she really was just sleeping there. The rhythm of her chest rising and falling was still the same but her heart was beating at a different rate.

"That's something right?" Ryan asked looking over at Doug.

"Yeah it is." He gave Ryan a soft smile now knowing how worried he had been about her all this time. "It is something."

"She's coming back I know she is." He sat on the bed next to her pushing her hair back away from her face so that you could see it. She was pale, the color not having returned yet to her cheeks but the bruises had started to fade from her body.

"That she is." He kept his voice the same hoping against odds that she would wake up soon for all of them. He didn't want to get his hopes up to have his heart broken, to watch Ryan have his heart broken.

There was silence in the room now as both men who loved her with all they were and would do anything within their powers, each for different reasons. Doug with a father's love for his child and Ryan for the love of a woman, the only one in his eyes and in his life, to protect her.


	82. Chapter 82

Chapter 82:

I could hear voices around me now, soft voices, as if people were talking to me. I could not get my eyes to open no matter how hard I fought. It seemed as if the connection between my eyes and brain was no longer there. I was tired very tired. It was feeling so good to be sleeping, as if my body knew that's what it needed and it wouldn't let my mind say otherwise.

Slowly, nothing more than looking out a thin crack at the bottom of them I could see something in the room. It appeared to be very dark in there with just a small sliver of light, or was that just because I didn't have the opened up all the way.

There was a very familiar smell in the room one that I knew. It was my daddy's cologne. I would know that smell anywhere; he had worn the same kind since I was a small child.

"Daddy." I managed to get out in a soft voice trying, getting my eyes to open up a little more, to see that familiar face.

"Hey baby girl." His face came into view now as my eyes were opening up a little more and not everything was a giant blur.

"Where, where am I?" I asked softly now unsure of what had happened. I felt him sit down on the bed next to me and pick up my hand taking it into his.

"You are at County." He said softly to me as he answered my question. "You were in an accident."

I was silent for a minute thinking of what I remembered last. I knew I had been drinking and gotten into the car with Michael at the bar. "I'm sorry I know better than to get in a car with someone whose been drinking." I whispered out. "How did we end up here?" Chicago was a long way from Seattle. My dad got silent now and didn't say anything and I wasn't sure what to make of that. Had something really bad happened and I didn't know about it.

"Baby girl you live in Chicago remember?" He asked softly now.

"No," I answered back, "I've been living in Seattle with you and mom." I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

"Tessie baby, what's the last thing you remember?"

"Going out with Melanie and everyone after work for my birthday." I answered back. "We went down to the bar and had a few, and Melanie said that Michael was going to take me home." That was what I remembered, I was pretty sure that was what had happened but then I might have had more to drink than I thought.

He got silent again, and when I looked at his face it was as if he was thinking of something to say to me but that he didn't know what to say.

"Daddy what is it?" I asked trying to sit up a little more in the bed.

"Tess honey that was over 3 years ago." He said.

"What?" I asked back, had I been asleep for that long? I didn't know what to think right now it was rather shocking.

"Honey you were in an accident here in Chicago. You've been living in Chicago; you don't remember any of that?" He looked worried and concerned now.

"No I don't." I answered back now. I didn't remember moving to Chicago. I knew that I was planning on it when I graduated and finished up my year at the hospital in Seattle but that was still another year away.

I looked up to see someone come walking into the room, "I got some coffee, don't know how fresh it is…." I watched as he stopped dead in his tracks, "Tess?"

I looked at the man standing there now looking at me with wide eyes as if he was surprise to see that I was awake and sitting there talking now. "Yes." I answered in a soft voice now.

"Oh baby." He said crossing over to where I was. I could see tears in his eyes and I wasn't sure why they were there. But then I wasn't sure who he was either. He seemed to know who I was as he hugged me holding onto me tight. I glanced my dad's direction with this 'who the hell is this look' on my face.

He reached up and brushed my hair back from my face, smiling down at me and it was making me nervous. "Oh god I am so happy to see those eyes of yours." He said as he leaned down and kissed my cheek. My eyes got really wide now. And I had to fight the urge to pull back away from him.

"Who… who are you?" I asked giving him a very puzzled look now.

He had a very puzzled look on his face now that I had said that, "Tess, honey, you know who I am." He looked away from me and over to my dad. "Doug?"

"Tess has a small memory problem." He said softly.

"Oh." I heard him say back to my dad. "How small?"

I looked now at both men standing there, "about three years small." I could tell that my dad was trying not to worry me, but I was getting there quickly.

"Daddy?" I said looked at him and then at the other man, "who are you?" There was almost a demanding tone in my voice now. I really wanted to know who this stranger was and why he was calling me baby and hugging and kissing on me.

"Tess, that's Ryan, do you remember Ryan at all?" He asked.

"No." It was a simple response for what I thought was a very simple question; I didn't know him from Adam right now.

"Tess baby." He said looking at me now. "I'm your…"

"I'm sure with some time it will start to come back to her."

I heard my dad cut off Ryan. Now as I just looked at both of them unsure of what to make of all of this. I really didn't remember anything other than the night of my birthday, going out and having drinks was it. Before that time, everything was clear, after that time there was a big dark black hole.

"You're my what?" I asked.

"Tess why don't you lay back down and try to rest." My dad said, "Ryan and I are going to take a little walk.

"No I want to know." I said rather stubbornly right now. I watched the two men exchanging glances and I didn't know what to make of it. Other than the fact that it was making me extremely nervous. I was getting this feeling that there was a lot that I was missing and I wasn't sure what all it was. "Would some one please tell me what is going on?"

"It's not important." Ryan said.

"Can I be the judge of that?" I asked.

"You should rest Tess. We can all talk later."

"Dad." I said looking over at him, "I just woke up, you tell me the last thing I remember was 3 years ago and now you are hiding something, it's written on your face. Don't tell me it's not important. I don't want to sleep right now."

I heard him sigh now, thinking that I was getting somewhere with the two of them. I didn't want things sugar coated; I was too stubborn for that one.

"Tess, Ryan is your husband." I heard my dad say.

My eyes got wide as I sat there on that bed, I was married. Oh I didn't remember that one, how could I have forgotten something as important as that. I had to remember that, after all that was something that people didn't enter into lightly. That was definitely something that I would not have gone into with out serious consideration. "I'm married."


	83. Chapter 83

Chapter 83:

I sat there amazed at what he had just said to me, I was married. Not only was I married but I was married to the man standing in the room that I felt like I had just met. I knew that the silence that was radiating now from me was making both men uneasy but this wasn't easy for me either. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how I should react either. Part of me was a little apprehensive about the whole thing. Why would I have gotten married? It wasn't like I was too the point in my life where I had been thinking about marriage, I had wanted to focus on my career first and foremost. I still had plenty of time to settle down later.

From what Dad had said three years had passed since the last thing that I had remembered. That was a lot of time, but not so much that I would have had a solid career, I would have only been an R3 at the most. That didn't seem like something that I would have done but the look on their faces said that it was exactly what I had gone and done. What else could I have been missing from my life that I was unaware of surely this had to be it, cause it sure was a big one. How did you tell someone that you had no idea who they were, that you didn't remember any of your life together?

"I'm sorry." I said looking at both of them and then I had to look away. I just didn't know what else to do, "I honestly don't remember."

It was when I looked down that I noticed the small gold band on my left hand. That just seemed to make it a little more real feeling but it didn't bring anything back, it didn't spark any kind of a memory.

"It's okay." I heard Ryan say as he sat down on the bed next to me. "Really I understand."

The look that I caught in his eyes was one that said it wasn't okay. That was a look of hurt and as much as I wanted to feel bad for him, I just couldn't right now. "Really I am sorry." I repeated, I didn't know if it came across as sounding sincere or not anymore.

"You've been through a lot and I'm just thankful that you are alive." He said that part I could sense was real. "I'm sure that with some time it will come back to you. It's just going to take some time."

I nodded, it was the only thing that I could do. "Have I missed anything else?" I said my eyes going between both men. I was a little concerned that I might have missed something else that was as life altering as this.

"We'll cross bridges when we get there." Ryan said.

"Okay." I answered. I wasn't satisfied with that answer but I would let it slide for right now. There wasn't much else that I could do. I couldn't force them to help me remember that which I didn't remember. I knew that if I didn't remember it then there was no way that I would be able to ask questions.

"Tess, I'm going to go and call your mother let her know that you are awake, do you need anything?" I heard my dad ask.

"No I'm fine thank you." I said looking up at him. I wasn't sure if he was going to leave me and Ryan alone together or not but perhaps it might have been a good thing if we spent some time together. I didn't know, should I ask him questions, should I just let him tell me what he thought that I should know. As I watched my dad leave the room there was this awkward tension in the room now fitting the strange silence.

"So." I said looking over at him now, my eyes were soft, "hmm I don't know where to start. I guess how did I end up here?"

He looked up from playing with his hands to look at me. "You were in a car accident." He said as if it was that simple.

"Who was I with? Did they make it through it okay?" I wasn't trying to push just hoping that hearing it might trip something in my mind to fill in the blanks.

"You were in the car with Michael." He said.

I could tell from his face that having to tell this to me seemed to be painful. "Did we fight before it or something?" Again I thought that it was a simple question but yet nothing was coming back to me.

"No we didn't." He said softly. "We didn't fight, we, you and I were fine, and things were going really well between us." He was no longer looking at me and he had gone back to playing with his hands.

"You're nervous how come?" I asked as this very vivid image flashed before my eyes as if I had seen him do that several times before.

"I'm not nervous." He said.

"You are too; you are playing with your hands. You do that when you are nervous." I answered back to him now.

He looked at me rather funny, "of all the thing to remember Tess you remember that one first." He said with a soft laugh, and I think that was to break the tension in the room.

"Sorry." I said realizing that in the past 20 minutes I had said that word more than I had my entire lift, "I can't help it."

"I know darlin'. I love you and I know you didn't plan for this to happen that you had no control over it but it's still hard."

"Can you tell me what happened?" I asked, "really I am trying to remember but there's nothing there. I mean after my birthday and getting in the car that night, after that there's just black nothing when I think about it. But then I don't know what I am supposed to be thinking about, or trying to remember."

"I don't want to make you upset." He said.

"Why would I be upset, frustrated more than anything right now. It's not the greatest feeling to wake up and have your life completely different than how you remember it being."

"No you would be." He said, "remember I…"

"Bad choice of words." I said. "Cause that's the whole point, I don't remember." I was getting very upset right now with the way that everyone was lily footing around me right now. They needed to come clean before that upset me more than what ever it was that they were not telling me.

"Sorry Tess." He said, "I know you and I know that it would upset you. Why don't we just wait for your dad to come back and we can go from there."

"Because you are here right now and I am getting upset. I don't need to have my hand held as the truth comes out. Whatever that might be. What happened happened and I can't change that. I just wish you would come out and tell me what happened. I am not so fragile that I am going to break. The way you two are acting I am beginning to feel like I am some kind of serial killer and that's why I am blocking my life from myself."

"No baby you are not a serial killer." He said, "you really want me to try and tell you what I know?"

"Yeah I really would like that." I said looking at him now a little more intensely than I had been before. I wasn't fully sure if I really wanted that, but anything was better than drawing complete and total blanks.

"Where do you want me to start Tess?" He asked again.

"At the beginning I guess." I said shrugging my shoulders. "I mean I know that I am in Chicago, and I know that I had applied to County to do my internship guess this means that I got it."

"Yeah you got it." He said looking at me now. "You and I met because you got that internship."

"Really?" I said.

"Yeah sadly I was a med student and you my dear were my intern and then you were my resident." He smiled as he said that. "Nothing like having to work under the woman you wanted to marry."

"Was I that horrible to you?"

"Tess you were never horrible to anyone." He said, "everyone at County loves working with you."

"It must be weird working together, but my parents did it." I said, "when I came here I never intended turning out exactly like my parents."

"Well technically no, we don't work together." He said.

"Oh." I didn't take my eyes off him as we sat there talking, it was as if we were two old friends reminiscing old times, the only thing was that these were old time that I didn't have a clue about. "Did you get an internship somewhere else?"

"No," he shook his head now. "I took a job with the fire department."

"That's different." I said looking at him, "I thought that you said you were a med student and that's how we met, how did you end up with the fire department?"

"Well I started out as an EMT and it just evolved from their. You weren't to happy with me for that one."

"I don't imagine that I was." I said, "I remember treating firemen when I was in Seattle, I'm not too sure that I am going to be happy to be married to one anymore than dating one." I said, "so don't think you are off…" I could see something in the back of my mind but I couldn't fully make out what it was.

"Tess are you okay?" He asked moving now.

"Yeah just one of those times where you think you are remembering something but I can't put my finger on what it is. It's like it's there but I don't know what it is." I answered him. "Can I have a drink please?"

"Yeah here you go." I watched as he moved and got one for me. He seemed worried now. "Maybe you should really get some rest. I will tell you what you want to know but you have to promise you'll do something for me."

"What?"

"Get plenty of rest cause I want to be able to take you home soon. You will remember all of this in time, but I don't want you stressing yourself out and making yourself sick. Take it slow and we'll find a way to get through this, just like we have gotten through everything else okay?"

I gave him a soft smile. "Okay you have a deal."

He kissed the top of my head, "good close your eyes I'll be back in a little bit. I'm going to get some coffee and make sure that your dad hasn't gotten lost trying to find a phone."

I laid back against the bed. "You got it." My eyes went closed he had a point I was tired again now that I had been sitting up and talking for a little while. Surely a small nap wouldn't hurt anything.


	84. Chapter 84

Chapter 84:

I had so much to digest that I didn't even know where to start to begin to sort things out. I closed my eyes trying to go back and grab what it was that had flashed before my eyes and I couldn't find it again. I knew it was there, I just had to find the way to get my brain to unlock that which it seemed to deem unworthy of me remembering. There had to be some key to it. And as much as I hated the feeling I didn't want the memories in my head to be those seen through the eyes of others, I wanted them to be mine. I wanted my life as I saw it to come back to me.

I had my eyes closed trying to get your mind to relax when it was blank was a difficult thing to do. I couldn't force things to come back, but knowing they were in there somewhere, just made me want to try that much harder to get it all back. Frustrated, it was making me more and more frustrated and I laid there grabbing for thin air.

It was too quiet in there for me right now. I needed to do something, anything but lay there like a log right now. I sat up and went to throw the covers back to get up. Shit I was in a hospital gown not like I was going to get anywhere with my butt flapping in the breeze those gowns just barely covered anything that you didn't want other people to see and no matter how tight you tied the back of it, it never went all the way together so that when you moved skin didn't flash the rest of the hospital world.

I looked down at my legs. Something wasn't right about the way they looked. There was a giant scar running down the side. I didn't know, I couldn't remember how it had gotten there. I looked around to make sure the coast was clear and headed for the bathroom, with slow wobbly legs. A difficult task it turned out to be to get the 10 feet from the bed to the bathroom. But I really desperately felt like I needed to get into that shower right now. I used the IV stand looking to see what they had dripping into my body before turning it off so that I could get into the shower with out having to worry about what I was going to get tangled up in. Dancing with IV poles was not one of my favorite past times.

I reached in and turned the water on letting it warm up before I was even tempted to think about getting into it. The last thing I wanted was a blast of cold water rushing over me. No I was awake enough without that extra torture method. I let the hospital gown fall to the floor I would get another one when I was done, or have someone get one for me. I climbed in and oh that water cascading down over me felt like heaven and then some. My head leaned against the wall as my eyes closed and I just savored that feeling, the feeling of a layer of dirt and grime coming off.

I grabbed a washrag and the soap that was in there to get some more of the sticky feeling off my body. There were few bruises left, just the light greenish blue tinge to the skin enough that you knew you had hit it on something, but for me I had no idea what that something might have been. I looked down as my hands ran across what felt like a scar. I couldn't remember ever having my stomach cut open why would there be one there. My head started to throb now as this searing pain shot through me. Vivid and clear, for the first time since I woke up, they were as clear as day. I knew what that pain was. I didn't remember getting pregnant, but that pain so fresh and real as if I was experiencing it for real not just playing it back in my mind. I turned off the water now as a wave of panic set in. I had been pregnant there was a baby, but I had no idea where it was or what had happened to it. I reached for the towel; the sound of smashing metal filled my ears. Standing there in the bathroom of my hospital room, I wasn't there anymore.

I was trapped inside a car, with the feeling of cold metal around me. There were sirens in the distance I could see them out the open door on the driver's side, but I couldn't get out that door. I couldn't move. I could feel the car wrapped around me pain in my stomach, when I tried to move there was a sharp stabbing pain in my leg. I was terrified, scared that I wasn't ever going to get out of there. No one was in the car with me. There was nothing but the sound of sirens, then voices all over the place but they were distant I couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Tess, honey where are you…. Tess, where did you go?"

Hearing a voice in the room my eyes shot open when it registered in my brain. But I couldn't answer just yet. I could feel my hands shaking now, I could barely breathe.

"Tess?" I heard the voice again calling, and then it registered who it belonged to. "Tess?" I could hear the worried tone one that I knew too well.

"In… he…he… here." I managed to find the will to get out of my mouth. I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking and I couldn't get those images out of my mind right now. Not that I want too, it was better than the blanks. Slowly I was putting a puzzle back together but I had to locate the pieces rather than just pick them up and put them back into place.

"You okay?" I heard that voice call again, it belonged to my dad.

"I… uh… I need a clean gown please." My voice didn't carry very far and was softer than I wanted it to be, but I really had managed to shake myself up pretty badly.

I watched as a hand held one inside the room but didn't come inside the room with me. I took the gown from him and slipped it before taking in a deep breath and willing my feet to move. That took more than I thought it would.

"Baby girl are you okay?" I heard him ask as I headed for the bed I needed to sit down and needed to do it soon for I didn't know how long my legs were going to be able to hold me up.

I looked up the color drained from my face. That feeling hadn't left me yet and I didn't know how to explain it to anyone. "The accident."

"You remember something baby girl?" He put an arm around me helping me over to the bed.

"Yeah I think so I don't know for sure." I said, "I could see something and feel something." I looked up at him my hands still shaking.

"What?" He asked as if he knew some gentle prodding was required now to get me to talk.

I wasn't that I didn't want to talk. It was just hard to say what I had just relived and I knew it was just the start of having to relive in my mind my life. "I could see the car; feel the metal… the pain." I said.

He wrapped an arm around me holding onto me. There was comfort there with my dad, someone that I would unconditionally trust no matter what, he had always been there for me. "It's okay baby."

"I was scared." I said softly now, "what happened to the baby?" I had to ask I needed to know.

"The baby?"

"Yes dad the baby. I was pregnant in the accident. I remember that, but there's a scar there now." Surely they would have said something by now if there was a baby around safe and sound. "Did the baby not make it through the accident? Is that why I have the scar?"

"No Tess honey, you have the scar because you had internal bleeding when they brought you in and they had to go in and stop it." He said, "do you want to see the baby?"

"I have a baby." I got quiet as I thought about it. I knew in my heart that I wanted to see the baby; even if I couldn't remember much else I had a baby out there. I was someone's mother. That in it's own right was hard to swallow, I wasn't sure if what I felt was happiness or a sense of being scared. "Yes I do." I finally managed to say.

He let go of me and I watched him stand up to reach for the phone. "I'll call your mom and have her bring Kevin here for you so that you can see your son."

Wow that was something else I had a son. I didn't know what to think, "Kevin." I muttered in a state of near disbelief. I could hear my dad talking on the phone and watched his face as he talked with my mother for a few minutes before hanging it up.

"She'll be here in a few minutes." He said before sitting down next to me again.

"His name is Kevin?" I looked up at him.

"Yeah Ryan said you named him before you passed out from the trauma." My dad said telling me what he knew. "Kevin Douglas McDermott." He smiled a little more, "he's a sweet boy, reminds me of how you were as a baby. So small and quiet, unlike your sister."

"I don't remember naming him." I said, "I don't remember seeing him." That kind of hurt in a way for what kind of a mother has a baby and doesn't remember it.

"You had been hurt pretty bad sweetheart." He said, "don't be too hard on yourself for not remembering that."

"I know but I should remember something like that." I said looking down. "It just doesn't feel right to not remember something that important.

"Baby there was a lot of things out of your control that day." He said, "and I can't say that it will all come back to you, because even I don't know the whole story."

I nodded to let him know that I had heard what he had said, "I'm nervous."

"Don't be you are a natural with kids."

"Uh since when?" I said looking up at him, "I don't like little people that well, that's why I didn't go into pediatrics remember?" I shook my head softly now, "I don't remember liking kids, or wanting kids and now I have one."

"Yeah you do." He said looking down at me, "but you and Ryan will be good parents." I could tell that there was something else that he wanted to say but hadn't. I just didn't feel like pushing right now with the issue any. My head still hurt from earlier in the bathroom. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah I am." I said looking up at him, "what time is lunch in this joint?"

"I can go and track you down something." He said, "get you some hot tea too while I'm at it. Sandwich okay?"

"Yeah that would be great." I said as I watched him get up and leave the room. Again I was surrounding by empty silence this time however I decided that it would just be better to sit and wait rather than move anywhere. I was emotionally exhausted and yet the whole ordeal was just beginning for me.


	85. Chapter 85

Chapter 85:

I laid against the bed now, the room feeling overly small, four walls once again closing in on me. I was in this near constant state of panic and it was from not knowing. That was the worst part of all of this was that element of not knowing. I couldn't remember my life, it was my life. I ran my hands through my tangled mess of dark curls that were on my head. My hair had always tended to be unruly and today that seemed to be no exception. I just tried to go with the flow. My thoughts right now drifted towards the fact that I had a baby, they were going to be bringing my son into this room in a few minutes and I needed to brace myself for the reality that I was being placed into. There was no easing back into this one step at a time, not if I had a child because I was not one to shrink away from my responsibilities.

There was that feeling that I was forgetting something, but then how do you know what you are forgetting when you have a giant gap in your memories. It was a nagging feeling. There was something else important in my life. Not Ryan, not this unseen baby, something else. I wasn't sure if it was a something or if it was someone. That feeling was definitely there and it was strong. I closed my eyes trying to focus now on that nagging. Surely I if I put my mind to it I would come up or rather come to a conclusion of what that might be.

Ah, that was the frustrating part, the harder I thought the less that was there or that's how it was feeling. I tried to relax and yet that didn't help either. I was going to have to give it time but I couldn't give it time. I felt like I didn't have time, that was a precious resource that I had run out of and it was important that I got back up on my feet and that I could remember that which I needed to.

My dad came back into the room carrying a cup and a sandwich. "Here you go baby girl." He said sitting them in front of me on that small tray.

I could see bits and pieces of something yet I couldn't make sense of all of it. Just more of a puzzle that I was fighting to put back together and I didn't want to ask him of all people to help me with this because from what I was getting it was a secret that no one but Kate knew about that and Melanie but I had no idea how to get in touch with Melanie. I wasn't even sure if she was still in Seattle anymore.

"Do you have your cell phone dad?" I asked. I knew who I needed to talk to.

"Yeah I do, what do you need baby girl?"

"I want to call Kate." I said, "I need to talk to her." I watched as he reached back onto the chair picking up his jacket and reaching into the pocket before handing his phone over to me.

"Yeah of course you can call her." He said. "You want a few minutes alone?"

"Yeah please." I said looking up at him. I was sure that I could get what I needed out of my sister with out two much arm twisting. I needed a couple of blanks filled in and she was just the perfect person to do it for me.

"I'll be in the hallway." He said as I watched him walk out of the room.

I sat there for another minute or two before I could work up the courage to call Kate. It wasn't that I was scared of my sister, but more scared of the truth that I might find out in asking her. But I also knew that she was the one person that I could never hide anything from. She knew all that I did. Sick sister connection that we had, she could read me like a freaking book when she wanted too. On the other hand I could do the same to her and I was pretty sure that it frustrated her just as much as it did me when it came to trying to hide the truth when we did something stupid.

I dialed the phone waiting now as I could hear it ringing. Please pick up Kate.

"Hello."

Ah that familiar voice on the other end of the line. "Hey you," I said, "got a couple of minutes?"

"Tess."

"Yeah," I answered.

"Oh god you're awake and okay."

"No, it's your imagination. I'm really dead and needed to find a phone to reach out and haunt you."

"That is so not funny."

"It is to me."

"I have time, I always have time for you, what can I do for you?" She said.

I could sense the sense of relief in my sister's voice now as she was talking to me. "I have a favor to ask of you. Seems that I have a small memory problem and I need some help." Small was an understatement but I didn't think that I needed to go completely into detail with her.

"I can help, I think." There was some stuttering in her voice. "How big of a problem is a small problem?"

"Yeah, uh about three years," I said, "not that big of a deal huh?" Okay so that really wasn't a question that I needed her to answer.

"Oh, yeah Tess that's a small problem." There was sarcasm in her voice with that one.

"Okay so it's not small, small, but really I need to know something and you got to bare with me here cause I'm not exactly sure what I am asking."

"You know that makes it just a tad bit difficult to help don't you?" She said, "but I will do what I can."

"I have this feeling, okay you know me and my feelings, I get them all the time I know, but this ones different." I said hoping she would have some clue as to what I was going to be trying to get this. "The last thing I remember, or so I have been told was that night I went out with the gang from the hospital for our 21st birthday." It wasn't just my birthday it was hers too after all the years it became our birthday rather than mine or Kate's. It was easier that way too. "And well something is nagging at me that something happened that night and I don't know what it was. I can see these little like second long flashes of crap but can't get it put together, you know like that damn 3D puzzle that dad made us put together that freaking day it snowed… yeah who'd a thought it snowed in Seattle."

"Okay." She said, "Are you sure you want me to be the one to tell you about this… I mean I don't know if I want to be the one to fill in the blanks for you."

"What am I going to do beat you up?" I asked, "Kate I am getting this feeling that this isn't something that I can talk to Dad about, and he's the only one around other than…" Oh crap what was his name again, oh yeah, "Ryan."

"Tell me you did not just forget your husband's name."

"Uh…" I paused for a minute, "okay I wont' tell you that I did."

"Tess."

"Memory problem remember." I said, "seems like I'm not the only one with one."

"Smart ass."

"It's all I got right now."

"It's all you ever had."

"Back on track here Kate. I can't make Dad stand in the hall forever."

"Yeah okay, sure." She said, "Then you want the condensed version or the long version?"

"Kate."

"Okay, Michael gave you a ride home that night after you guys were drinking you were twelve sheets to the wind and he took you back to his apartment."

"That doesn't seem that bad, why would I want to…"

Kate cut me off, "let me finish you Twinkie." She said, "you came home with more than you bargained that night, although you didn't know it for awhile but it was a special delivery."

"Oh." I gasped. "He didn't."

"He did."

"Uh are you sure?"

"Yeah I am. That's what you think is a secret and well it was until awhile ago, and well Michael decided to arrange fate differently than what you thought fit." She kept going talking now about what had happened that night and I sat there trying to take it all in. Part of me was glad that I didn't remember all of that and fate wasn't as cruel as it could have been.

We talked for a few more minutes about nothing important. Just sisterly conversation as I tried to adjust to what she had told me knowing that it was what had happened to an extent. No one would have known except me and Michael what really happened that night, but alas I couldn't remember shit right now so I guess the one person that held the key I was going to have to try and track down and get it from. Either that or wait for it to come back on its own and right now that didn't seem like a bad idea.

"I'll talk to you later." I said, "I should let dad come in and eat what he brought." I said.

"Yeah call if you need anything else. I'll try to get out there this weekend so that we can talk some more okay. Take care of yourself."

"Sounds good." I snapped Dad's cell phone shut now closing my eyes and taking in a few deep breaths. Not only was I going to have to adjust to the fact that I had an infant son, but somehow I was also the mother of a toddler. Who I couldn't remember either, but I couldn't let her know that. How cruel would that have been? I was going to have to act right now like the best of them. Perhaps then people would worry a little bit less about me too, get me out of here, not that I knew where home was but I could figure that one out later.


	86. Chapter 86

Chapter 86:

My dad came back into the room shortly after I had hung up the phone. He came over and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Have a nice talk with your sister?"

"Always," I answered back, "when don't I have good conversations with her?" It was a standard response that I was giving to him as I was still lost somewhere in my own thoughts at the moment. I just felt a little overwhelmed by everything that I was trying to digest and it seemed as if there was a never ending cycle of things to digest. I didn't know if I was ever going to get my memory back and here I found myself relying on others to fill in that gap a rather large gap at that.

"Good, you ready to meet the baby?"

"Ready as I will ever be I guess." I said looking down now playing with the sheet that was on the bed. I was half under it just to keep the chill off while I had been talking on the phone. That and sitting down it was keeping my assets from flapping in the breeze.

"Ryan will be here soon with him." He said, "Tess if you don't' feel up to it you don't have to do this all in one day you know."

"But he's my child." I said softly now, knowing that I couldn't just back out of this. "I should do this for him as much as for me."

"I know but I'm just saying that there is no rush on this. Don't feel like you have to do all of this today. You have to be overwhelmed."

"Overwhelmed, that seems like an understatement." I said looking back up as I pushed my hair back. "No I want to. There are just some things in life that you have to do no matter how painful they really are."

"When did you decide to become so smart and look at life like that?"

"I don't know." I said, "it's just this feeling that I have." I knew that it wasn't much of an answer but in some way right now it was all that I had to offer. "It has to be done so I will do it. Overachiever in me I guess."

"Well I won't argue with you there." He said giving me that soft fatherly smile of his, "you always have been that kind of kid."

"The only difference is not I'm not just a kid huh."

"No that you are not." He said, "but you'll always be my baby girl."

"Some things never change." I looked back down again. "It's just that I know I should know something and I don't, that leaves me feeling frustrated and I don't do frustrated all that well. Uncertainty I can handle, but the frustration that is a whole nothing ball park."

"I know and if I could help you I would, but how I remember things are not going to be the way that you remember them." He said looking at me.

"Hey good news is that I haven't forgotten everything." I said looking at him, "I could have no idea that you were my dad or something horrible like that."

"Tess, I'm just thankful that you are alive and talking to us again. That's the most important thing. Remember those kinds of things; I would take a million days of you not knowing who I was over not having you here at all. We've come close enough to losing you twice now everyday you are here is a blessing in my life."

"Dad, you need to retire and go to work for hallmark." I said trying to lighten things back up.

"Tess you are such a smart ass."

"Alas better than being a dumb ass." I answered back, "one of the two of us needs to be. Please you are getting a little too deep there even for me."

"No you never were one for the sentimental stuff."

"Yeah well look who I take after and you tell me why?" I grinned a little. Well that was until I saw the door start to move open and feel quiet.

"Can we come in?" I heard a voice call out.

"Yeah," I said my voice so small looking over at my Dad as if I was going to find some sense of comfort in just his presence there. My eyes drifted to see Ryan come into the room carrying a car seat to which he sat down next to where my dad was sitting and slowly uncovered it. There was a little person in there.

"How are you feeling honey?"

"Okay I guess." I answered, honestly I didn't feel bad. I couldn't think of a reason that I should have to stay cooped up the hospital taking up a bed with as good as I was feeling right now either. And when I figured out whom my doctor was my plans were to talk to him and see about getting out of here. I didn't mind hospitals I just hated being a patient in them.

"That's good to hear." He answered as he worked on getting the baby out of the car seat and I tried to get my emotions under control cause right now I didn't even know what I was thinking. He stood up with this small blue blanketed bundle in his arms. "Here you go little man." I heard him say, "I told you momma would wake up and she did." He walked over towards me and all I could do was stare nearly blankly at them. "Here you go Tess; this is Kevin, our baby boy." He held the infant out for me to take from him.

My hands were honest to god shaking as I took that child from him and brought his small tiny body closer to mine. I just looked at that little face and those little eyes. "Mommy loves you." Those words as I said them sounded familiar to me as if I had said them to him before. When I had taken the baby I was scared to death that I wouldn't feel anything, that there wouldn't be any kind of connection felt between me and him but there was and for that I was thankful. I reached and gently stroked the side of his cheek before I looked at those little fingers that were under the blanket. I pulled him up to my chest as I relaxed against the back of the bed stretching my feet out. It felt as if this was the first time that I had held him, yet I knew inside that it wasn't. "That's momma's big boy." I was almost whispering to him now as I ran my hand down his back. This small wide eyed baby laying on me, it felt more natural that I thought or had ever imagined that it would. And Kevin seemed to know that this was a person to whom he belonged.

There were small tears in my eyes as I held onto him. Just sitting there taking in the smells of a baby, the feel of his soft smooth skin against mine, something that you would normally take for granted for me was a very big deal. I just wanted right now to hold him like this forever and not let go. "Hmm, nana give you a bath there little one, you smell like it." I wasn't one to talk baby talk, and I knew that he probably had no idea what I was saying to him, nor could he answer me, but it was still important to me nonetheless.

"You okay?" I heard a voice ask.

"Yeah I am fine." I said kissing the baby's little hand that was sticking out. "He's perfect and handsome."

"That he is." It took a minute and I realized that it was Ryan's voice that I was hearing.

"We have some time to make up for." I said softly gazing lovingly down upon the baby who seemed content to be held against me.

"I don't think he'll hold that against you." Ryan said keeping his tone soft with me. "He's been spoiled rotten by nana."

"I imagine she has." I answered. "Is he really mine?" I asked not needing to but I was almost afraid that this was some trick that my mind was playing on me and any minute now I was going to wake up from some sick twisted dream.

"Yes Tess, he's really yours." Ryan said giving me a rather odd look as if to say why did you ask that one.

"Sorry I just had to check, make sure that I wasn't dreaming or something." I said as I sat there holding him. He stirred a little from his nap and I just watched in awe at the yawn that came from him.

"He was sleeping when I got there." Ryan said, "he likes his sleep."

"Oh I bet he does. Life's got to be hard when you that small and everything around you is just so big." I answered back. I looked up so that I was looking over at my dad. I saw him smiling at me. It was his silent smile that meant more than any words that he could have said to me at that moment in time. Here I was holding onto my baby but more important than that was that I knew, from the moment that Ryan had handed him to me that this was my baby, my child, my son. While I might have had some troubles with other things, the mother-child bond was there and it was real and strong. And it was that bond that I had wanted.


	87. Chapter 87

_A/N: Hey guys I am so sorry about the lack of updates but I have been swamped with school and now with military commitments. I'll try to post when I can but I have a lot going on and I will be leaving for bootcamp in about four weeks._

Chapter 87:

After they had all left for the night I was alone again in the room. The lights off and the darkness enveloped me. Where I would have normally found a sense of peace and comfort tonight it seemed not to be there. The soft glow of the light coming in the small window of the door just seemed to serve as nothing more tonight than a reminder of where I was. That I was stuck in a hospital laying on bed, in a cold sterile environment, those pieces of my past were missing. I didn't know. I was trying to have faith that I would eventually get them all back, for it was those events in my past that had shaped me into the person that I was today.

I closed my eyes as I could feel a tear running down my face. I hadn't cried since I don't know when. I couldn't remember the last time that I had cried. Breaking down right now seemed much easier to do when there was no one there but me. There was something that made crying into the pillow more comforting than crying in front of my family. I laid there letting them fall, keeping my eyes closed what I wanted to remember, what I really hoped I could remember didn't seem to want to come back to me. I needed to find it, where ever it was trapped inside me, I needed it back.

My heart ached, it missed something and I couldn't grasp it. I knew inside, the feeling, but it was frustrating to know something in your heart but to not have it in your head. There was a connection that had once been there that tragedy had managed to erase. I took in slow deep breaths trying to find some thing that resembled being relaxed thinking that perhaps if I stopped trying it would come back to me. I could still feel that small baby boy in my arms, and my heart wished that it could remember him coming to be.

There was a knock on the door snapping me from my thoughts. I wasn't expecting anyone. "Yeah," I called out now.

"Are you awake?" I heard a voice calling through the slightly now ajar door.

"Yeah I am." I said it was a voice that was familiar yet one that I couldn't recognize. But then that had been my life since awaking up to what seemed like a brand new world.

I watched as someone walked into the room and I turned on the light that was above the bed. Granted it wasn't bright but then after sitting in the darkness I didn't need to put my eyes into shock. I didn't recognize who it was.

"How are you doing?" He asked as he sat down next to the bed.

"Good." I answered. "And yourself?" I asked out of being polite. I just didn't want to come out and say excuse me, but I have no fucking idea who you are, would you care to enlighten me.

"I'm doing well." He said looking at me. "Ryan called to let us know that you were awake and he said that he thought it would be okay if I stopped by and saw you. I know you gave us all quite a scare there."

I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't know him from Adam but if Ryan had called them, then he had to be a friend or someone he worked with. It took me a minute to realize that was a fireman's uniform he was wearing. "You work with Ryan?" I half asked in a small voice.

"He warned me you might not remember me." He answered, "Mitch." He extended his hand if we were meeting for the first time, "I work with Ryan."

I had a soft nearly embarrassed smile on my face, "sorry."

"Don't be." He said with a reassuring voice, "you went through a lot."

"So I've been told." I replied.

"I can imagine you are pretty frustrated." He said, "I can't imagine what that is like."

"You have no idea." I didn't mean that in a mean way, "I wouldn't wish it upon anyone."

"No you wouldn't." He smiled at me again and there was a soft laugh to his voice now as he settled in, "you can relax I won't hurt you."

"Yeah sure, relax is something that I'm not finding easy to do right now." I looked over at him. "You just look so familiar to me and yet I can't put two and two together."

"Don't worry really Tess." He said, "I just wanted to see with my own two eyes that you were okay."

"Well if you say so." I said, "Are you close to Ryan?" Stupid question but needed to be asked.

"He's like a little brother to me. I kind of watch his back for you. Remind him every now and then that he's got a wife and family to go home to."

"I guess that's a good thing." I said. "I wish I could remember."

"Ha," there was a scoffing laugh coming from him, "ah I'm sure that it will come back to you and well there are some things that I hope you don't." He had this smirk on his face now.

"Oh knowing me and my propensity for trouble I'm sure that there's plenty of that." I had to smile back at him. There was something about sitting there with him that gave me this feeling that we had done this before.

"Yeah we've spent quite a bit of time together." He said, "I was the best man at your wedding."

"Sadly I don't remember that one either." I raised my eyes a little and rolled them, "pretty pathetic that I wouldn't remember that."

"Honey you were beautiful." He said. "And happy, those were the two most important things." He looked over and then reached and patted my hand. "I have faith that you will find that again."

"Really, well I am trying to have that but it just seems… well… kind of…"

"Overwhelming?"

"Yeah something like that." I said, "I don't know. I hate not knowing how to get things back and I hate the feeling of having things out of my control."

"You never have done well with that in all the time that I have known you. Neither one of you handle having things go out of your control. See that's why you are perfect for each other." He said, "you paced like there was no tomorrow and were here every day that he was. And he was here for the most part ever day with you, well when he wasn't trying to figure out how to take care of that baby. I hope I wasn't that bad when mine was born."

I closed my eyes for just a brief second and I could smell that smell. It was the smell of fire, smoke residue on clothing, seeing black soot on faces. There was a sense of being worried that accompanied the memory. I could see a sea of blue.

"You okay?"

"Yeah I am." I said, "Sorry didn't mean to blank out on you there." I gave him a soft smile. "Just can't help it sometimes. You reminded me of something."

"Good thing I hope."

"I don't for sure." I said shrugging my shoulders, "it takes a bit you know it's like I have all these pieces of a puzzle and they are all upside down so I can't see the whole picture until I flip them over and then have to figure out where they go."

"That doesn't sound like much fun."

"Well no not really." I said, "It's not that I don't want to remember, it's that I can't get it all to come together like I know it should be. There just seems to be so much missing, so much that I want to be able to say yes I remember that, I know I did that and I just… I can't its not there anymore."

"You will in time." He said, "From the sounds of it things are starting to come back to you, even if it's just in small pieces it's better than nothing right?"

"Anything is better than nothing." I said looking over at him, "I just don't want to have to rely on other people telling me what I have done. Having to be reminded that I had children, you know what kind of mother forgets her own children even exist?"

"You can't look at it that way." He said, "If you do, that mentality will eat you alive and you can't let that happen. Those things were out of your control, you didn't do anything to deserve this, to have this happen to you."

I shrugged my shoulders again listening to what he was saying and knowing that somewhere inside I knew that, but there were some things that were just easier to say than to have to actually do yourself and for me that was one of them. "I know…" there was a pause now as I worked on forming words, "I believe you, it's just…" I was suffering from what felt like a giant lack of words right now and really wished that I wasn't struggling like I was, "you can know something, want to believe it, think that you do, but have it not change the way that you feel. If what I am saying makes any sense right now to anyone but me."

"No it makes perfect sense." He said. "I know what you mean. We want to believe that nothing bad is going to happen to anyone and if we believed that someone could get hurt, that something bad was going to be the outcome, we wouldn't be able to do our jobs. For you it's more of the opposite. You know that something is there, but believing it just seems to be the easier, more rationalized choice. You are thinking to hard about everything."

"Kind of hard to think about things to hard when you don't know what you are supposed to be thinking about." I answered.

"Ah, but there lies the trick part of the equation, you see if you stop thinking about what it is that you think you are missing, it will come when you are not expecting it, for you are not thinking about it."

"You major in philosophy there?"

"No," he said looking at me with a laugh, "it just seemed fitting."

"Oh I wish it was that simple."

"It's only as hard as you make it. You want something so bad you are willing to not stop until you get it back. It's like… well kind of like, trying to have a baby."

"Mitch what on god's green earth are you talking about?"

"Well, you try so hard to get there, to be able to have that baby and then you just give up. You stop trying and for most of the time that is when it happens. You get that one thing that you are wishing for." He said. "Something along those lines, when you stop searching for it, that's when it will come to you." He stood up now from where he was sitting next to me. "It's getting late and you need your sleep." He kissed my forehead, "so that you can come back to harassing us when we are working. Sleep well." I watched as he headed for the door.

"Hey wait." I said.

"What?" I watched as he stopped and turned around so that he was facing me with his hand on the door jam looking back at me.

"Thank you." I said.

"Tess, you are more than welcome. We'd do anything for you. You're a part of the family too." He said.

"I really mean it." I said looking at him.

"I know you do." He said his voice much softer than it had been. "We already know." And as he said that he slipped out the door and I curled up and tried to go back to sleep.


	88. Chapter 88

_A/N: Yeah I know it's been awhile... but please let me know what you think... I'm having a hard time with this one._

Chapter 88:

The sun rose on yet another day, and I was still reminded of all that I didn't know that I wish that I could remember. There was talk now of me being able to go home as the morning hours wore on. Home, I had no idea where that was right now. My memories of home where that of a completely different city, a whole nothing time and place. Someone once told me that you could always make memories and that was the whole meaning behind life and life's experiences. No one ever told me what to do, or said what they would do if one day they woke up and everything that they remembered wasn't really their life anymore.

Sitting there watching the sun rise I couldn't help but wonder if there was something in my life, something that had happened that was so painful my mind didn't want me to be able to remember it. That something so horrible had happened that I was protecting myself without me realizing that I was doing it. That this was my body's way of making sure that I never had to deal with whatever it might have been again.

I heard someone knock against the door. Glancing up from being lost in thoughts of complete and total nothingness, for I was finding that the harder I tried to remember things the less that they seemed to want to come to me. It was like this lost battle and I wasn't about to give up on.

"Come in." I called as my eyes went to see the figure standing there in the doorway.

"Hey how you doing baby?"

"I'm okay Ryan." I said recognizing him from having been there before but that was about all. I had no real recollection of him and that was sad, at least to me it seemed sad. For he had promised to spend his life with me and now I couldn't remember that promise even though I had made the exact same one to him. If I was this frustrated, how must he feel? I didn't know what to do or how to even act around him right now.

"That's good to hear." I watched as he moved across the room back over towards where I was laying. "The nurses were saying that you might get to come home later today or tomorrow, how do you feel about getting out of here."

Oh that just seemed as if it was a loaded question that I really didn't want to answer. It wasn't that I wanted to stay here I just didn't know what home was. "I don't know." I finally answered.

"Savannah is really antsy to see you."

"Who?" I said with a soft unsure voice. The name didn't register with me and it wasn't something that I could remember.

"Savannah, your daughter, she's nearly 3 now, looks like you, acts like you." He said down on the edge of the bed, "she's not going to understand this."

"I don't understand this." I was starting to get a massive headache from everything. "What am I supposed to do? Let me guess just pretend that everything is the way that it was and if I miss up I'm sure that you, dad or mom will smooth it over."

"Tess."

"Oh what now? Did I say something that I shouldn't have? Was that too brash?" My patience was slowly starting to fade. I had sat there over the past few days taking what ever they had told me at face value thinking it would all eventually come back to me, but now I didn't know and I was tired. Not so much physically tired, but emotionally drained. There wasn't much left inside me to keep giving with a smile on my face pretending that none of this bothered me.

"Do you feel better now?"

"Not really." I snipped back at him. I didn't need platitudes from anyone right now and especially not from him. "Just stop all of this would you. Stop trying to make me remember what I can't... there's so much missing I can't take it all in. I am fighting to grab everything to readjust to everything and there just seems to be more and more and I can't do it anymore right now. I can't sit here and keep taking it in without any time to reflect to absorb it. You keep throwing it at me and I can't remember. Damn it I can't remember do you know how that feels? Do you have any idea what the hell I am going through?" I didn't mean to yell like that but I didn't know what else to do at that moment in time. I felt like I was totally alone and helpless that there was nothing left for me to say, for me to do. I was losing my fight and I was getting more frustrated and it was coming out as anger. The only outlet that I felt that I had.

"No I don't." He said. "I know what we've been though the past few months, wondering when you were going to wake up. I thought my life had ended when we found you in that car. I wanted to kill him for doing that to you." I could see something in his eyes, a fire, more of a deep burning hatred.

"Who, who was in that car with me?" I said, here we were going again. Yet me learning something second hand so I wouldn't know if what I was remembering was what I was being told or if it was something that would have been triggered by my own mind. But in the silence of the room there was more there than I knew. I was about to stumble upon a Pandora's Box, one that I didn't know was there smoldering in the background. I didn't need anyone to take me there, my mind was regaining some of the ground that it had lost and was going to unleash the pain and hurt that it had been blocking, that which it had been trying to keep me from discovering. It was all there simmering to the top and it was about to explode I just didn't know it. My outburst there with Ryan was probably the best thing that I had done for myself in the entire time that I had been in the hospital; to bad I didn't do it sooner. My mind took me from that the safety of the hospital room back in time. It was reliving that which it had deemed worthy to momentarily forget until I had physically recovered.

FLASHBACK……………………………

There was the smell of burning flesh and it took a moment for my mind to recognize that the smell was coming from my own skin as the pain coursed now through my arm. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of tears rolling from my eyes from the pain that he was inflicting. I tried to move my arm back pulling it closer to my body, the burn still there. There was a bright red circular mark on the inside of my left forearm now from where Michael had put out his cigarette via my arm.

"Bitch." He muttered out now as he rolled over away from me. I watched as he got up of the bed and headed for the bathroom.

Surely he had to be getting tired of this by now. He had his fun with me on more than one occasion and surely they had to have realized that something was wrong with me not being home yet. I looked at the clock it was nearly 4 am now. Several times I had been on the verge of passing out but hadn't yet. I was worried that with everything he was doing that something was going to happen to the baby. Since he had grabbed me on the street earlier, and slammed me into the motel room there had been wave after wave of contractions. Anywhere from every 5 minutes to one every 20, nothing had me concerned just yet that the baby was coming. But enough to make me worry. I didn't want to have my baby, Ryan and my child our son born in some filthy motel room in the slums of Chicago.

"Come here." There was that stench of whiskey, cheap whiskey at that one his breath.

"Can't we sleep?" I asked in a soft voice, "please Michael I'm exhausted."

He reached over and roughly grabbed me pulling me into him. The smell of alcohol was unmistakable now as he forced his lips down onto mine. "Shut up, you don't have to be awake for this."

He didn't know how badly I wanted to shut off to not be awake for this one. I was trying to stall him before he did anything else to me again. "At least let me shower please, I need to eat too. You might be able to go without eating." I wanted to say more but felt that it wasn't wise to do that.

He brought his hand up and I felt it strike the side of my head above my right eye. The contact of his hand with my head making it snap back. I was sure that I was on the verge of a concussion right now from the last series of blows and the way he was tossing me around as if I was nothing more than a rag doll. He had a good seventy pounds on me. He was well over six feet tall too. I wished that he would just pass out.

Current………………

It took me a minute to realize that I was in the hospital and Ryan was calling my name. I looked up at him for a minute what he said not having registered with me. I flipped my arm over so that I was looking at the underside. Sure enough there were those small marks there. "Burns." I muttered out before bringing my eyes back up.

"Tess are you okay?" He sat down on the edge of the bed looking at me, that hatred that had been in his eyes had faded and was now replaced by genuine concern and worry.

"Burns." I muttered again.

"That's what we thought they were but we weren't sure." He said as he brought his hand down to gently touch my arm.

"They are." I let my eyes go closed. For I didn't want the tears to start flowing uncontrollably from what I had just remembered. It wasn't that which I thought it was. Well it was. I had forgotten to protect myself and now I understood why.

"Baby are you okay." I heard him ask.

I just shook my head. God I couldn't tell him what had happened, what had really happened in that motel room. He would never be able to forgive me for letting it happen. That would probably sink the relationship that we had. I wasn't fully clear on just what that was but I knew more than I had, I knew enough to know that then and there I loved him. That I loved and wanted our child.


	89. Chapter 89

Chapter 89:

There's always something to pretending that the bad things in your life never happened. Denial was never a good thing in the long run but for right now it was serving it's purpose and that's what I was doing. Silence was my ally for now and it hadn't let me down to this point in time. Slowly but surely blanks had started to fill themselves in. While I hadn't returned to work as of yet, I had returned to the role of mother and wife. That in itself was the biggest step that I had yet to take. Still at times uncertain of myself and how I might have been acting not wanting to appear different to those around me and arise much unwanted questions.

I was adjusting once again to Savannah, who appeared to be getting bigger every day. It had been three months that I had been home, and was watching my children grow. Kevin was amazing to me, it seemed as if every day there was something new going on or new trick he was learning to master. You wouldn't have known watching us together that I hadn't been there for him in the beginning, that I had missed the entire first month of his life. But I felt like slowly I was making it up to both my children.

Ryan was working with the CFD still and while at first I was nervous about the entire deal once I realize that just because he walked out the door didn't mean that he wouldn't be coming home I settled back down into what at one time must have been a familiar routine. Every now and then the kids and I would sneak down to see Daddy at work, they rather enjoyed it and it gave me a little time out of the house. I did know that I was hoping that they would clear me for work soon. I just had to pass these competency tests, guess they wanted to make sure that my marbles weren't completely knocked out of whack.

For the most part they weren't. I was just hiding things and it wasn't like I had these great friends that I could confide in either. Seemed easy to just keep it bottled up inside and deal with it when I was alone, not that I had ever been completely alone. There was a child or children with me for the most part during the day but late at night when he was working I could and did cry myself to sleep on more than one occasion.

There was one thing missing from our lives that kept us from being your normal, or what you might consider a normal couple and that was we had no sex life. It was something that he just didn't seem to push for, indicate that he would like yes, but push no. It made me at times wonder if I had just married this really considerate sweet guy or if there was something that he knew that I didn't know that kept him from going there. I was grateful that he didn't cause I honestly with the flood of memories that had worked themselves back into my head if I honestly could emotionally handle going there with him.

I had fed the kids dinner, baths and stories read to them before tucking them in and going down to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Ryan was working the night shift and wouldn't be home until the early hours of the morning. I was pretty tired from the goings on of the day and thought that once both kids were sound asleep that I would join them going to bed early for once to catch up on some sleep. That had been hard the last few days to find. I would lay down and it would take what felt like hours to get my mind to shut down enough to let my body rest. And just as they would shut it seemed as if Kevin the new baby alarm clock was going off to be fed. He slept mostly through the night, not completely yet and I knew it wouldn't be long before he did manage to do that one, but for now, 3 am seemed to be his special mommy time. Or that's what I liked to call it. And that morning with him was no exception. 3 am came I got up at the sound of his cries, changed him, got his bottle and sat down with him in the rocking chair softly singing to him as he ate it didn't take long for him to achieve full stomach status and drift back off to sleep. I sure was good for something.

Tucking him back into the crib I headed down the hallway, peeking into Savannah's room which was across the hall from mine to make sure that she was still fast asleep. Not that the baby ever seemed to bother her, she was the type of kid that once they were out, an atomic bomb could go off and they would sleep right through it. Once satisfied that both kids were once again content and in the land of dreams I climbed back into my own. Usually by this time of night I had no troubles getting back to sleep. Yet tonight for some reason I laid there wide awake. My eyes closed as I tried to find that all elusive sleep.

I heard someone come into the house and I glanced over at the clock, seeing that it was a little after five a.m. I had been laying there for nearly an hour and not gotten back to sleep. I closed my eyes and waited until I felt his body sinking onto the bed and him rolling to where he could wrap one arm around me curled up on his side. That seemed to be Ryan's favorite way to sleep, on his side, holding onto me.

"Have you been up long?" His deep voice, soft but still loud enough to shatter the silence of the night.

"Not really just since the baby, I'll fall back asleep here in a minute I'm sure." I answered back in a soft tone.

"Something troubling you?" He asked.

"No, everything is fine honey." Lying seemed to be coming more and more natural these days. But then in my eyes it wasn't really lying. There was nothing troubling me. It was haunting me, scaring me, but I didn't want to bring it out into the open. Afraid of what the truth might bring, but also afraid to confront the demons in my head.

He just pulled me in closer to him. I could feel his chest rise and fall as his grip on my tightened. I had to fight the urge to pull away. I didn't like the feeling of being held tightly in the darkness of the night. "Tess, are you sure your okay?"

I had to remind myself to breathe that it was just Ryan that was there with me, that nothing bad was going to happen with it being him there. But my mind wanted to go where I didn't want it to go. I couldn't form words right now to tell him that it wasn't okay that I needed him to let go, that I couldn't handle being held like that.

"Tess, sweetheart?"

I had to come up with something here pretty quick. I rolled a little away from him now so that I wasn't as close as I had been. "Y… yeah, I'm fine… just overtired that's all." It wasn't going to fly or it sure felt as I said it that it wasn't going to.

I didn't know if it was that he had been at work for 12 hours or just what but for some reason he decided that now in the early morning hours he wanted to have a talk with me. "Sweetheart you know that you can tell me anything, that you can ask me anything and I will not think any different of you. I love you just the way that you are and nothing is going to change that."

Oh if he only knew that wouldn't be the case. You could say something like that to make the other person feel better but then not really mean it. There was some things that you would never want to have said to you and that which I was remembering was one of those things. While it should have been something that never happened, something that a woman should never have to go through once. I had the misfortune of having to suffer through it twice at the hands of the same man. It wasn't a stranger that had hurt me, cut so deep that I felt as if it would never heal. "I know." I answered back softly.

"Then tell me what has you so worked up." He said, "I know you are not sleeping, if you are it's hardly at all. The other night you were up for hours."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You might have been in bed but you weren't sleeping. You have a funny pattern when you are sleeping with the way that you breath and I know that you didn't hit there before I fell asleep."

"Just a little insomnia. Stress you know adjusting to home and the kids."

"That should have passed by now if that's all it was." He kept his voice soft and small with me. "How much of this has to do with the accident? How much of it has to do with Michael and what he did to you?"

I could sense the change in the tone of his voice. As he said that man's name, you knew that the thought of him made his blood boil that there was nothing but hate and contempt there. "Nothing." My voice had instantly gone smaller than it had been, not that I was afraid of Ryan, never would I fear my own husband, but the wrath of an Irish temper that was something in itself, to be handled with care and caution. For I knew that once it raged, it took much more than some sweet words to get it back under control.

"Damn it, talk to me, you say you know you can, then tell me what is going on. I can't help you through this; by god I can't do it if you don't open up to me." There was something other than anger in his voice that I couldn't decipher that I couldn't put my finger on. "Tess you have to talk to me. We can't put this behind us if we don't." He reached over touching me again pulling my body so that I had no choice but to face him. To see that look in his eyes when he was talking. "I am not going to let him tear us apart. He's gone and he will never hurt you again." I could see the sorrow and the hurt that was there, "I let you down once by not keeping you safe, it will never happen again, I promise you that."

It took me a minute to be able to say anything at all to him, "Ryan, you didn't let me down." Honesty right here would be a good thing, "don't you ever think that."

"You are my wife," he said his voice changing again, you could hear the disappointment that was there more clearly now. "It was my job to keep you safe, to protect you from things like that."

I reached up putting my hand on the side of his face, knowing that on some level that this was as hard for him, different in the way, but still hard for him. "Neither of us knew it was coming. We thought, I thought, things were going to be okay. How many times had I walked that same route to and from work without anything happening? It was something that happened, but it wasn't your fault. You have to believe me when I say that. It really wasn't your fault, there is nothing that we can do to change it, hindsight is 20/20 but what's done is done and we need to move on."

I could see that he was going to say something more, when the quiet of the night was shattered once again by the cries of our infant son. I moved to get up off the bed pulling away from him. "Get some sleep, I've got him." I said softly once again. I knew that this was a conversation that would probably be brought up again but right now it was one that I didn't care do deal with, and Kevin seemed to be giving me a way out. I got up all the way off the bed and headed down the hallway to his room. Walking over to the crib and gently picking him up. "Hmm, what's wrong little man?" I said smiling down at the very upset baby. Lifting him up so that his head rested against my shoulder as I headed for the rocking chair in the corner his favorite blanking and his pacifier in the other. I sat down holding him against my chest covering him up as I slowly started to rock, "just need some mommy time baby?" Easy to talk with someone who didn't talk back, "saving mommy huh? Shh, there baby, I got you." The chair went back and forth, my hand up and down his back, my little distraction, my pride and joy giving me peace for the moment.


	90. Chapter 90

**Chapter 90:**

For the most part it seemed as if Ryan had either dropped the conversation or forgotten that we needed to have it. Either way, I was happy with it. I didn't want to talk about it, well that wasn't fully the truth and I knew it, I didn't want to relive it any more than I already had. The day passed for the most part fairly uneventful. Ryan slept for the most part having worked the night before and the sounds that the kids made during the day were no longer enough to wake him up. Granted I kept Savannah outside for the greater part of the morning and again after lunch until it was time for her to lay down for her nap. Once she was down I settled into the living room with the baby. I heard Ryan getting up, the shower starting, followed by a soft knock on the door. Pulling myself up off the floor where I had been laying next to Kevin.

"Oh hey Ella." I was shocked when I opened the door to come face to face with her.

"Hey Tess." She said, "Ryan said to be here at 2." She came inside when I stepped to the side. "I'm sorry I'm a little late."

"It's okay." I answered, "he just got up."

"Does he know what time you will be back?" Ella asked me.

"Uh, I didn't know." I said. "I didn't know we were going out." I headed for the stairs now. "Kevin's right there on his blanket batting at the toys could you keep an eye on him for me."

"That's what I am here for." She said.

I headed up the stairs and into the bedroom. I pushed the door closed behind me knowing that my husband was probably around there half dressed since the shower had just gone off. I walked over to the bathroom door. "Ryan why is Ella here?"

I watched as he stepped out of the shower pulling a towel around his waist. "I thought you and I could use some time alone, walk down along the river, a nice quiet dinner together." He said, "some time without the kids."

"You could have told me, or even asked me if that was something that I wanted to do rather than just having her show up." I said.

"And you would have said no, wouldn't you?" He looked at me.

"Yeah probably."

"We'll she's here she's taking the kids and we're going out."

"You know I am not happy about this." I answered my arms folding across my chest as if to show some kind of disapproval.

"But you are going."

"You know I am." I sighed now. Damn man. I walked into the bedroom to change my clothes, since what I had on wasn't going to work for being seen out in public. I heard him come from the bathroom out into the bedroom.

"I knew it was the only way that I would be able to get you out of the house." He said, "you are always with the kids I thought that you might like a break tonight for a little bit. That and I needed an excuse to spend time with you and only you on my night off."

I didn't say anything I just finished changing my clothes as we got dressed in silence. I wasn't happy with him going behind my back like that. He could have asked me if this was some thing that I wanted to do today rather than just arrange for it.

"Oh come on Tess honey, you aren't going to stay upset with me the entire time we are out tonight are you?" He asked coming up behind me and slipping his arm around my waist.

"I just might Ryan." I answered. "I don't know if I really want to do this."

"Tess honey, you and I haven't been out in four months." He said, "what is going out for one night going to hurt. We need a date night. I need to spend some time with my wife."

"You are not going to guilt me Ryan." I said getting ready to head down the stairs. "Ella is here so I will go with you, but I am not going to promise to have a good time, nor am I going to promise to not be mad at you."

"That's fine." Ryan said looking at me as we walked back down stairs. "Ella," I said turning my attention away from Ryan for a minute, "bottles are in the fridge, he should be good for another hour or so, diapers and everything are next to the changing table in his bedroom, and Savannah just laid down for a nap a few minutes ago so she should sleep for another hour and a half. Snacks are in the kitchen and the she can have anything for dinner that you feel like fixing for her."

"You and Ryan have a good time and I will be fine with the kids until you get back. I love spending time with them." Ella said with her soft smile as she turned her attention back to the baby on the floor there with her.

"Ready Tess." I heard Ryan say.

"Yeah I am." I answered rather shortly. It wasn't that I didn't want to go out with him. I was just getting this feeling that he had ulterior motives "Let's go." I started to walk out of the house and paused just long enough for him to shut the door behind him. Before I started to walk the direction of the river. If he wanted to walk and get something to eat then that's what we would do. I wasn't in the mood to argue with him about something like that. I felt him reach over and take my hand into his holding onto it as he fell into step beside me.

We walked for a little while before he stopped us where there were no other people around and had us sit down on a bench there that overlooked the water. "We need to talk."

"We could have done that at home." I said, "you didn't need to get a babysitter so that we could talk."

"Yeah I did." He said as I watched his eyes go out over the water. "You keep avoiding me at home. Here there are no distractions pulling at your attention and we can honestly talk."

"I am not avoiding you." I said getting a tad bit more defensive than I wanted to be at the moment.

"Tess, please, every time I try to get you to talk at home, one of the kids needs something, or you find something that needs to be done." He said, "I need to talk to you. Something hasn't been right with you for several days and you need to tell me what I can do to help you."

"I don't know." I said, "really I don't think that there is anything that you can do to help me. I just need to work through everything and I'll be fine."

"Do you remember everything?"

"Yeah I think so." I said.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Oh Ryan, really I don't want to keep reliving it." I said, "I'd rather just forget it all." I looked over at him, "please, really we don't have to do this; it's not going to accomplish anything."

"Tess honey there are only two people who know what happened that night, one of them is you and the other, well he's not here." He reached over taking my hand again. "No one else knows what happened. All we know is what happened after we got the call for the car accident. We didn't even know it was you until we got there. All I know is that I talked to you at work and then you never came home."

I dropped my head looking down at the ground between my feet rather than anything else, "it's better that way…" my voice was pretty soft, "really it's better that no one knows what all happened that night. I just don't want to talk about it. Please, Ryan, please, I am begging you."

He brought his hand under my chin to bring my eyes back up to his. "I want to help you heal." He said softly, "Tess that's all I want, to help you so that you can put this all behind you and never have to think about it again." He leaned in and softly kissed my cheek resting his forehead against mine, "I know he had to have hurt you. I can see that you're not the same that you were before all of this."

"It's not your fault." I said softer looking away from him. I was sure that was a dead give away that I was hiding something even if I was trying but that didn't mean that I wanted him to know that.

"And it wasn't yours either baby." He said. "You had no control over what ever it was that he did to you." All Ryan knew was how bad of shape she was in when he had gotten to her. Many of the injuries that they said she had probably were not caused by the car accident. A great many of them where, but the burns, he knew those weren't from the accident. Several of her bruises were in places that wouldn't have been from the crash either and he didn't know how to get her to open up.

I looked up at him, soft tears in my eyes. I was trying not to think about that night and everything that had happened. It didn't hurt as bad if I didn't think about it. If I didn't think that I had been with someone other than my husband. I couldn't get the words to form. It was as if he had an idea of what had happened but like me it didn't want to let his mind go there. "Are you sure, are you sure that you really want to know?"

He nodded, "yes baby, I want to know, I want you to trust me enough to tell me, to know that I am here for you. I promised to be with you for better or worse, this is the worse and I'll be right here beside you." He said keeping his voice calm and steady. "Let me in so that I can help you."

"I don't know how much you can help." I said.

"Maybe if you talk about it, you'll be able to sleep or I will be able to help you get back to sleep. Tess no matter what you are safe with me." He said, "you are safe again."

I closed my eyes as I started to tell him what had happened that night. Well all that my mind had let me remember up to now. I was sure that I hadn't remembered all of it, and that there were parts that I would probably never remember. It was hard not to cry as I talked and I had to pause a couple of times just because it was hard to get it all out. By the end of me telling the story Ryan had put his arm back around me holding me against his chest and letting me cry just silently rocking me back and forth and I could feel the tears from his own eyes falling down against my skin.


	91. Chapter 91

**Chapter 91:**

The road to recovery from anything was never easy and I was finding this more and more true as I tried to put what happened behind me and move on from the place that I had found myself. I was having a hard time reconnecting friendships that I had before. I didn't want to be around others and wouldn't really go out at night by myself. I had passed all of the tests that were required so that I could go back to work. I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was a form of post traumatic disorder, small bit of PTSD or if this might have been a depression that I was sinking into or even some of both. I didn't want to deal with it. I was even now starting to shut myself off from Ryan. Not that I had honestly reconnect with him anymore than when I first came home.

He was spending the day with the kids. I wandered outside now. I was just out trying to get some air, to escape for a little bit to a place where no one needed me. If there was such a place. I had my MP3 player in my ears now and was being engulfed by the older music that was playing right now.

"I believe in miracles  
I believe in signs  
And I believe that mountains move  
One prayer at a time"

When I looked up from where I had wandered to I was standing in the middle of a playground and I sat down on an empty swing so that I could look up at the sky. There was something about today that was just different than any other day. I didn't know what it was just that I had that very strong overwhelming feeling.

"If I could be an angel  
I'd make your every wish come true  
But I am only human  
Just a woman  
Lovin' you"

That was it, I did love Ryan but I had reached the limit that everyone at some point in their lives reaches. I wasn't the person that he thought that I was. I knew in my heart I wasn't the same person that he had married. Time had changed us both and we'd come to the point that we were together but yet separated by a giant chasm that I didn't know how to get either one of us across right now. My memories were slowly coming back in small time pieces. If you were to look at me you would have never known that just a few short months ago I was laying in a coma after being traumatized. That I had nearly died in a car accident. This wasn't how I had envisioned my life; how I thought that it was going to be. Something was still missing and I couldn't put my finger on it.

Where your road leads  
I will follow  
When your heart bleeds  
I'll be there for you  
When your night grows dark  
And you can't find your tomorrow  
Then you can follow me

Someday we'll look back and see  
Our footprints in the sand  
Sometimes you would carry me  
And sometimes you'd be in my hands

If we can love forever  
That won't be long enough for me  
I want to hold you tender  
Be your shelter  
All you need

Was that the way that it was supposed to be? Surely Ryan and I had some magic spark that just needed to be ignited again. There had to be a way to find it. I needed to know and I needed to find someone to talk to about all of this so that I could get this fixed. It wasn't fair to either one of us to be stuck or trapped in a one sided relationship. It felt like this was one sided to me. Ryan was always giving and I seemed to be doing nothing that was beneficial to either one of us. I was living this life that felt like it had a giant void right in the middle of it and I didn't know how to straighten it out. I had debated what to do, lost hours of sleep over this, decisions never should be taken lightly not when they affected this many people. Something in my heart said that it was the right thing to do, that inside I was dying because of this. Another part of me was screaming how dare you. How dare you consider something like that, don't be selfish you should put your children first and foremost.

I let the swing slow down as I could feel a tear start to trickle down my cheek. I wondered if this pain in my heart was a sign or if it was just nothing more than a mere emotion getting the best of me right now. Pictures in the house showed that we were happy together, but I found it hard to believe with the way that I was feeling right now. There was more to all of this, my kids, what was going to happen to them if that's what I decided to do? I sighed heavily. Could I really put everyone through that, no some times you needed to be selfish. My feet where heavy as I found myself getting up off the swing and walking down the street a little more. My mind nothing more than a giant jumble of thoughts and words that didn't want to make any sense to me right now. Slowly I walked down the street until I was standing there in the grey weather of Chicago. I didn't hesitate this time as I walked inside. This was the one place that I knew I would always be welcome. I found the one person that I was looking for.

"Tess, hey what…" I heard his voice drop off when his eyes came up to meet mine there for that brief second. It was almost as if he could read my mind right there and then, but then they always said that the eyes were the windows to the soul. I was, well for the most part an open book, easy to read when my emotions got to me.

"Hey Mitch," It was easy to start to talk to him. "I need…" That was where my voice started to fail me and falter. Unable to get out what I needed and wanted to say to him. My eyes red from the tears that had fallen now. "I need to talk to you."

I watched as he moved away from the table where he'd been sitting and stood up. It took a matter of seconds, mere seconds for him to be up and over to my side. After all we were all one big family. That was the one constant that remained in our lives, once brothers they would remain brothers.

"Come on Tess." Mitch's hand now rested on my arm, his eyes were full of concern. "You know I always have time for you." He put his arm all the way around me hugging me close to him before letting go and looking back down at me. "Does Ryan know you are here?"

I just shrugged my shoulders, "he's… he's out with the kids right now." My voice was soft right now, there wasn't much left inside me anymore.

"Sit down let me get you some tea, something warm to drink." His hand rested in the small of my back as he started to guide me back to the table.

"Shh, sure." I spit out. It took me a few minutes before I could bring my head up too look at him. "I can't do this anymore Mitch." I said keeping that same tone, how desperate that must have seemed but I was, "I'm at the end of my rope and it's about to snap."


	92. Chapter 92

**Chapter 93:**

He looked at me as if he didn't know what to say to that confession. I didn't know what to say to it. Things were to the point where I was nearly desperate and couldn't deal with it anymore. It wasn't that I wanted to pull the trigger and end it all. It was different than that.

"Talk to me Tess." That's what I heard him say.

"I don't know my own family. I don't know my husband, my kids, it's been so hard. To be there with them but I feel like I'm an outsider looking in." I sighed softly now, "I sit there and I look at all these photographs and I can't feel anything. I know I should, I know I should remember when it was taken, how I felt that day, but there's nothing there. It's frustrating."

"I know." He said looking at me. I could feel him looking at me. "I mean I have an idea, I don't know exactly what you are going through, but at the same time I know it can't be easy for you sweetheart."

I looked down. "No it's not." I replied back. There was something missing, "there's something missing from my life and the more I try to get it back, the harder I fight to get it back the more elusive it all becomes. There's no right or wrong to it anymore." I was upset and I knew that it was clearly coming across as I spoke now. There was harshness behind my words that expressed exactly what I was feeling. I was trying not to take it out on him. Mitch had been nothing but a good friend. "I don't even remember for the most part our relationship. All I feel is the ease that I feel when I am around you." I was playing with my curls. Still having this unmanageable pile of curls that tended to have a mind of their own, yet entwining my fingers in them brought me a sense of calmness.

"Have you talked to anyone else about this?"

"No." That was a straight forward answer. I felt like I owed him that for sitting there and listening to me when he didn't have to.

"Maybe you should go up to Seattle and spend some time with your parents. You know you haven't been home in a long time and before all of this happened you used to spend a lot of time with your Dad."

"Do you think going home right now is going to help?" I asked rather skeptical of that idea.

"Tess, you are such a Daddy's girl if anyone can help you I am sure that it would be your Dad. Now I am not trying to get rid of you, but perhaps you could take the kids and head up there. Savannah loves her grandmother as does Kevin. So they would be in seventh heaven. Besides when was the last time you spent anytime with Kate?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen my sister; it had been a long time. I talked to her on the phone a lot, a lot more now than I had before. I guess I didn't call her much when I first left Seattle. But knowing me I wasn't shocked at that one. "I don't know when the last time I saw Kate was. It's been awhile."

"Well if nothing else a trip to see your family would probably do you a lot of good. You have to admit that even if you don't remember anything here, you miss them."

I smiled a little, "yeah I miss my parents and my sister." I looked down again my hair twisted still around my fingers.

"Stop being so nervous," Mitch said, "I'm not going to bite you, unless you ask me too and then I'd have to run it by Ryan anyway before I did it, after all you are my best friend's wife."

"Now Mitch," I said feeling a little bit better than I did when I got there. Having someone to talk to had seemed to help, either that or I had gotten much better at pretending that things that really bothered me didn't. He did have a point though, "I know you won't bite." I gave him something that resembled more of a soft playful smile. "I can't help it sometimes."

"Yeah I know you well enough to know that much." He said reaching over and gently touching my arm. "Think about what I said if nothing else."

"No I know your right." I answered. "You usually are, if you weren't I wouldn't bother coming and talking to you."

"Guess that's good to know."

"Always," I said before there was a long silent pause there. I knew what I needed to ask it just felt weird to be asking Mitch. He was Ryan's best friend after all and knew him probably even better than I did. Right now he definitely knew him better than I did. "Do you think that Ryan will be okay with me taking off with the kids to Seattle for a little while?"

"I think," Mitch said looking at me with that serious look on his face. One that I hadn't seen in awhile, "that as long as he knows that you are going up there to be with your parents and sister that he'll be more than fine with it Tess. You don't have to worry about Ryan not letting you go. He knows, if nothing else, how important and close you are to them."

I couldn't help but sigh. "Probably silly of me to worry about something like that because why wouldn't he want me to see them after all they are my family just like he and the kids are."

"You always have worried about to much." He said sympathetically. "As long as I've known you, you have been the one person to put everything relating to everyone else before yourself Tess. You need to take some time for you."

"Oh you mean I'm not supposed to put everyone else in front of me?" I half asked trying to be a smart ass. "I can't help it Mitch that's just the way that I am. Time for myself is a luxury that I just don't have." That was the truth. I felt like I needed to be able to fix everything else and then be able to focus on getting me right if there was such a thing.

"Yeah I know." He said, "just trust me on this one and take the time to go up and do it. See your Mom and Dad and give Kate my love. I still think she's a cutie just like her older sister."

"Can't help you there, other than to keep her away so that you are not tempted by my good looks and charms just in a slightly younger package and we all know how tempting I am." That was a little bit of overkill but I didn't think that he'd mind me saying stuff like that about myself.

"Yeah I know." He reached over and softly smacked my arm playfully. "Now take off have a nice time. You of all people after everything you've been through deserve that. Besides, I'm sure Grandma and Grandpa up there are just dying to be able to see those kids, and have you be there with them."

"You are probably right about that one if nothing else you big goober." I moved to get up from where I was sitting and stopped just long enough to turn and face him, "hey thanks for the tea and conversation." I said turning once again to head out of the fire station and back to the house. No one needed to know that I had been there talking to him. Mitch after all gave me a few things to think about and it looked like I was probably going to be headed to Seattle depending upon what Ryan said when I talked to him about it.

That would have to wait though until he got back after being out with the kids and I didn't know how long he'd planned on being gone with them. When he left it sounded like he was going to take Kevin and Savannah over to his mom's. She loved those kids as much as my parents did. It was nice that they were able to have both their grandmother's. Although I know that Ryan wishes that his dad could have been there to see Kevin being born or for Kevin to know the man his grandfather was. It wasn't to be though and we were both making the best of it. The kids had an extended family. More pseudo Aunts and Uncles than they would ever need not to mention both my sister and Ryan's sister so they did have real Aunts. They also had Ella, who was better than a cousin to them. After all that was Aunt Lizzie, even if she wasn't my aunt by blood, she'd always been there for me and Kate growing up. Especially after Uncle Mark died, but I was too little to remember him that well.

I felt really bad for Ella she'd only been 16 months or so old when her dad died. I know that my life wouldn't have been the same if I hadn't had my Dad around and I also know that Kate and I came pretty close to not having him around like he had been of course, Mom wised up and realized that she couldn't live without the love of her life, so we got to move back with Dad.

As I walked back down the streets of Chicago, I wondered if I would be like Mom and wake up and realize just what I was missing that I couldn't live without the love of my life. Maybe I could get that lucky, someone had to be looking out for me. Even I couldn't be that screwed by the Karma gods. After all somewhere inside of me, had to be a mostly good person… or a mostly good person at one point in time.

The walk was colder coming back than it had been going there. Maybe in my hurry to get down there I hadn't noticed it. The sky was starting to turn grey as the clouds began to move in. A gust of wind came up swirling the skirt that I had on around my ankles. I reached down to try and keep it from going up to high as with the other hand I pulled my jacket around me a little tighter.

I never minded the Chicago weather. Yeah the cold was a little hard to adjust to. Seattle didn't get very cold. It was a cloudy city and it did rain frequently but not all the time. Grey skies were nothing new to me. The cold here was different though. It was a windy cold. The temperatures could be quite pleasant but if the wind was blowing it was chillier than you thought it would be. Today with the mood that I was in the grey seemed to be very fitting.

I took a side trip home, knowing that they wouldn't have been back yet. Strolling down along the river, trying to keep the cold from biting at my exposed skin, yet I really couldn't feel it. I was lost in my own world of thoughts now. Walking now more on autopilot than anything else, for I knew the way home this way very well and probably could have done it with my eyes closed.

How did I tell Ryan that I wanted to go back home? That I needed to get out of this city for awhile and take the time to try to find myself again. That here in Chicago while it was home, I felt completely lost. Not directionally lost but emotionally lost. I had a basketful of memories in this city but in order to be able to get to them, I needed to go back to my roots and fill in the blanks from there. I needed to be around those who were closest to me, my nearest and dearest friends. I didn't have that here. Sure I had Mitch and the guys down at the fire station, but it wasn't the same I didn't have the history with them that I had with my friends in Seattle. They were the people that I had grown up with.

Part of the problem about wanting to run home, was that, Seattle was familiar territory. I remember all those times. I hadn't forgotten my childhood, I had forgotten the last few years of my adulthood. The memories that I had made in Chicago where in there somewhere and I just couldn't reach them they were in there too deep right now. But maybe some time to myself would be a good thing, there might be something back in Seattle that would trigger what I needed to remember. I could always make new memories in Chicago there was never any doubt about that. I did have some with the kids.

I rounded the corner now so that I could see our house sitting at the end of the cul-de-sac. I remembered when we bought the house. We hadn't been married and Ryan wanted us to have some place safe to live where Michael would have a harder time finding us. That was about the time that we changed Savannah's last name and Ryan had adopted her. He had wanted to adopt her. We didn't talk much about having kids after Savannah had come back into my life in a whirlwind. I walked up on the porch and sat down on the swing that was there. I closed my eyes for a minute.

"Tess come on I have a surprise for you."

"What Ryan." I had Savannah up in my arms. There was a giant grin on his face now. I smiled for him. "I'm like my dad baby I don't like surprises all that well what is it?"

"Come on," he said holding out my coat. "Put this on."

"What about Savannah?" I said looking at him wide eyed now, "its cold out there we shouldn't be taking the baby out in this weather."

"We won't be outside long I promise." He said as he reached up taking the baby from my arms. "Here princess what do you say Daddy puts your coat on and we go show mommy our surprise."

I slid my arms into my coat now that they were free of the toddler. "Oh so my daughter is in on this one too." I smiled at the little girl with the curls on her head. She was going to have the same unmanageable hair that her mother and grandmother had at the rate she was going. But Savannah seemed to be all smiles there in Ryan's arms. He was a natural with her and she loved him.

Ryan reached over and too my hand into his. He looked like he was going to explode. "You know how we were talking that the apartment was just a little too small for the three of us." He had opened the door and started to lead me outside.

"Yeah I remember that conversation." I said, "I believe you thought it was too small for the three of us." There was more to it than that too and I knew it but we never mentioned Michael's name, it was easier to try and forget everything that had happened if we didn't. And I honestly thought that he wouldn't be able to find us. That with the elaborate scheme my parents and I had come up with he'd have no reason to come looking for us.

We walked down along the streets of Chicago for several blocks. "Ryan, honey, where are we going?"

"We're almost there." He said as we turned the corner and started down a small cul-de-sac now. "It's just right up here."

"What's just right up here?" I had this feeling that I was about to get a surprise that was one we should have talked about before he'd gone and done it. But I never had been able to tell that man no, let alone win an argument with him no matter how hard I tried, and I was and could be very damn stubborn. Blame my father's Irish roots and hot temper.

"Here it is." He said as we walked towards a small house there at the end. He looked at Savannah curled up against him. As I watched him walk up the stairs and towards the door, "I know it isn't much and it does need some work, but I can do what needs to be done."

"Ryan you didn't." I said looking at the house knowing full well that he had. He sat Savannah down on the porch as he opened the door and let her run inside. "Come here you." He said reaching over to scoop me up off my feet.

"Put me down you are so going to drop me."

"Baby I'm a fireman, we don't drop beautiful women." He said grinning at me as he carried me through the doorway and into the house.

"Oh so you are saying that you only drop the ugly ones." I had to laugh softly when I said it. "Baby I can't believe you did this." I felt my feet hit the ground as he sat me down again.

"I thought it was perfect when I saw it." He said.

I could feel him watching me as I looked through the house. There was a fireplace in the living room and you could see through into the kitchen through a pass through that was there. From the outside the house looked small but you couldn't tell that once you were inside. I felt him take my hand.

"Here's a room where you can have a spot to work." He said, "I thought you might like a small home office or den, which ever you prefer, definitely a place for you to keep all those journals we have." He took my hand and pulled me up the stairs. Stopping for just a moment to push open a door, "this can be Savannah's room, she already said she liked it."

"I'm sure she did." I said looking at him and then into the room.

"Come on." He pulled me so that we walked down the hallway a little more. "Here is ours." He pushed the door open and pulled me inside of it.

The room was huge or sure felt like it. I walked inside of it a little further. "What are we going to do with all this space?" I said. There was a walk in closet, and a bathroom there just off to the side.

"Places for you to take those 2 hour long bubble baths without Savannah pestering you," he smiled at me, "see I was thinking of your creature comforts when I said I'd take it."

I looked around the room in amazement of the house. I let Ryan take my hand and let him take me back. "There's another room at the end of the hall that I thought we could use as a guest room." We walked back down the stairs. And through the house towards the back where there was a sliding glass door. "This is the best part." He said as we went through the sliding glass door. "A place for Savannah to play outside where you won't have to constantly worry about here cause she can't get out into the street."

There was a big back yard. Big in the standards that it was bigger than what we had for her to play in at the apartment. It was completely fenced in so that she couldn't really go anywhere.

"The gate is over there and the latch is clear up at the top so she won't reach it until she's about 5'5." He said with a smile. "What do you think of our new home Tess?"

"How are we going to afford this Ryan? I can barely keep up with the rent at the studio and Savannah's day care tuition while I am working." That was something that had kept me from thinking that we were ever going to have a new house. I was still a resident and didn't make that much money, that and I worked at a county facility where even the Attending physicians didn't make that much money. And really with Savannah now living with me I had learned to become much more cautious with how I spent money.

He looked at me for a minute. "How did I know you were going to ask that one?" I heard him say. "Tess honey, my Dad left me some money when he died. Mom tucked it away for me so that I would have it for something just like this." He took both my hands into his, "I want to give my family a home. I have a good job with the fire station too. You need to relax Tess. I didn't rush into this, I honestly thought it through."

"It is a nice home Ryan." I said smiling for him. It seemed as if he had put a lot of thought into it. "It's perfect." I wasn't going to burst his bubble anymore than I already had. "I love it."

"Do you? Do you really love it Tess?" He asked me there was seriousness in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time.

"Yes Ryan, I do." I said smiling back at him. "When do we move in?"

"As soon as you are ready too," he said back to me now seeing that I really was happy with the house. It made him relax much more than he had been almost as if he was afraid that I would completely hate the idea of having a home of our own.

"Well at least the studio is small so it won't take me long to pack it up. It's not like I have a lot of things that we have to move. We don't have a whole lot." I smiled still for him, "it's going to make this place look rather sparse don't you think?"

"Give us time and we'll be wishing we had more space." He said with a soft laugh. He kissed my cheek now, "I'm glad you like it."

"I do."

"Mommy," I heard a voice calling me, "mommy open your eyes."

Ah snapped back to reality by my child returning home. "Hey baby girl." I said as I opened them back up to see her climbing up next to me.

"We're home." She said with a rather proud smile. "Daddy took us to Nana's."

"Did he now?" I said smiling down at my little girl. "Did you have fun at Nana's house?"

"Yes I did." She said. "But Kevin got fussy so Daddy said we needed to bring him home."

I looked over at Ryan who had the baby in the car seat. "He did now did he, maybe mommy should take care of Kevin and make him happy again, what do you think?"

"Yeah I think you should." She said looking over at her Daddy and her baby brother. "Mommy can you and I do something together?"

"Sure we can baby girl." I answered her with a smile and a kiss on her curly head. "I need to talk to your Daddy for a few minutes first though okay."

"Okay," she responded back.

"Run inside and get warm okay," I said as I stood up off the swing and patted her behind to get her going otherwise I knew she'd have stayed glued to me, "as soon as I'm done with that and Kevin I'll come and get you."

I watched as she ran inside to do what she was told and then looked over at Ryan standing there still holding the car seat. I moved to head inside knowing that he'd follow. "Baby got grumpy huh?"

"Yeah he's rather attached to you and I think that was his way of saying that it was time to come back and see mom." Ryan said as we headed into the warmth of the house.

I took off my coat and then moved to take the baby from the car seat. Pulling the blanket away I saw a very happy and content sleeping Kevin. "I think you knocked him out honey."

"What?" Ryan said moving over to look over my shoulder at the baby in the car seat, "that little stinker."

I took a couple of steps back from the sleeping baby deciding right now it was probably best to just let him be where he was no sense in waking him up. He seemed pretty content where he was. Babies really could sleep just about anywhere unlike their adult counterparts. "That's okay honey." I said, "he probably just needed his afternoon nap and wasn't able to get it at Nana's." I said looking over at him. "But I have something that I want to talk to you about."

"What might that be?" He said looking at me. "Nothing ever good comes out of that. It is almost as bad as honey we need to talk." He moved over so that we could sit down and talk. "What's up?"

"Oh it's nothing bad." I said looking over at him before focusing my eyes back on the sleeping baby. "I was just thinking about taking the kids up to see my parents if that would be okay with you."

"Why wouldn't that be okay with me?" He asked. "If you want to go and visit with your family, that's absolutely fine with me Tess. I don't have a problem with it."

"I thought I would just check before upping and doing it you know." I said looking back over at him. "Really I didn't think it would be a problem. I just didn't want to plan something like that without talking to you about it."

"How soon are you thinking about going?" He asked, "I mean are you up to traveling with two small kids that far?"

"Soon as I can get everything together," I answered his question. "I think I can handle traveling with the kids, really it's not that far. I thought we could fly; I'm not big on doing that cross country trip again in a car. That would be too hard on them. Well not on Kevin but it would be hard for Savannah to be in a car that long. It's a pretty long drive. Flying just seems to make more sense."

"Sure, I understand." He said looking at me still with those big eyes of his. "If you feel like you're up to going then go. I'm sure that your parents would love to see the kids again. I just don't think I can go with you on such short notice. Time off is kind of hard to get right now."

"It's okay. I was thinking that it would be good for me to just up and go. Get away from Chicago for a little bit and I have some friends up there that I want to see anyway." I hoped that wanting to go alone with just the kids wasn't going to hurt his feelings.

"How long are you going to be gone?" He asked.

"Not long, maybe a week or two." I said, in my eye that really wasn't that long of a time. Surely he'd be okay with us gone that long. He had worked long hours anyway so it wasn't like we'd be spending a whole lot of time apart when it came down to it.

"If that's what you want to do Tess."

There was something in his voice now that I couldn't understand. I could pick up on something but just what it was wasn't registering with me. "Yeah that's what I want to do."

Did he think that this was the beginning of the end of us or something along those lines? I wished he wouldn't do that cause it was starting to give me some kind of guilt complex. "If you don't want me to go I wish you would just come out and say it." I said rather hastily. "Don't tell me it is okay to go if you really don't want me too."

"It's not that I don't want you to go." He said standing up off the couch now.

Oh crap here it came, yet another fight. I could tell from his now very defensive posture that is exactly where we were headed. Not that we fought a lot. More than we did when we first got married but after everything that I had been through, we'd both changed a lot. "Ryan, don't," I said looking at him not. "I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. I honestly don't want to fight over this."

"I'm not fighting with you over this."

"Then sit down." I said looking at him before looking away, "you have that look on your face that is telling me that's exactly where we are headed."

"I do not." He said. "Just because I stood up doesn't mean that I am getting ready to fight with you."

"No it's that defensive posture that you are taking that says otherwise." I retorted back now.

"I'm not defensive or anything else." He said back to me. "Just frustrated that you want to take off right now, mostly because there's still a lot that we need to work on."

"Don't you think that I am fully aware of that?" I asked him back. "Don't you think that I might be just a tad bit frustrated?"

"I didn't say that." He said.

"No you don't have to say it Ryan." Oh god why did we have to do this every time I brought something up anymore. "Why Ryan, why do we have to do this so much?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Hell yes you do." I snapped back now. "Do you think that I like the way things are right now. Not knowing what I am supposed to know. You said a long time ago that you would have some patience with me. Where is that now?"

"You are reading too much into this you know that don't you. You're the one being all defensive right now."

"Don't you dare turn this back onto me," I was trying to keep my voice down so that I wouldn't wake the baby up with all of this going on. Let alone let Savannah know that we were at it again. She didn't need to be subjected to that anymore than she already had been.

"And who else should I turn it back on?" He said moving closer to me.

I hated it when he tried to get into my face when we were arguing. Nothing peeved me more than that and he knew it. I took a step back away from where we were so that there was some distance between us. "Go ahead and blame me for it then." I said without meaning too. But in the heat of the argument things usually go said that neither of us really meant and they got taken personally at the time. This was just one of those times. "I'm going to my Dad's house in Seattle and that's the end of it. I'm sorry if you don't like it but that is exactly what I am going to do."

"You're leaving mommy?" I heard that small voice from behind me now knowing Savannah was in the room. It was the only voice that sounded like that.

"No baby I'm not." I said turning around to face my preschool daughter. "You, me and Kevin are going to go up and visit Grandma and Grandpa. Would you like that?"

"No." She said rather quickly. "I don't want to go without Daddy."

This wasn't good at all. I knew she was close to Ryan but I didn't realize just how close the two of them were and I didn't think that she wouldn't want to not go and see her grandparents without him. "Daddy has to work." I said kneeling down to her level. "But we'll have lots of fun in Seattle with your grandparents. I know that they would love to see all of us."

"I don't want to go." She said moving away from me and over to Ryan now grabbing onto his leg. "I want to stay with Daddy."

"Savannah, honey it's only a short trip, Daddy will be here when we get back I promise."

"I don't want to go and you can't make me." She said rather defiantly of her mother.

"Tess, if she doesn't want to go don't make her." Ryan said taking his daughter's side in the struggle.

I fought to not roll my eyes at him right now. "She'll be fine, we are all going." I said, "she'll settle down."

"Daddy," I watched as my daughter attempted the same manipulative tricks that I used on my Dad when I was little and I knew, I could see Ryan giving in to them. Just like my own father would do.

"Ryan, don't give into her." I said looking at them both.

"She can stay Tess, it's not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal." I said, "you are letting a child walk all over you." I hated to point that one out but it needed to be done.

"Ah baby girl, you can stay with me. You'll have to go to school when I am at the fire station you know that don't you."

"And what are you going to do with her overnight when you have to work for 24 hours straight Ryan?"

"Ella can come over at watch her at night. I'm sure she'd love to watch her."

"Ryan McDermott." I said looking at him with a dead serious look upon my face. "No she's coming with me. There's no reason that she can't. You honestly can't expect Ella to be free for that amount of time. Christ you are gone more than you are here."

"Is that what this is all honestly about Tess."

"No it's not and you know it." I snapped back. "We are all going to Seattle and that's that." I said as I turned to storm out of the room not knowing where I was going I just knew that I needed to get out of there right now.


	93. Chapter 93

Chapter 93:

I stormed literally out of the house knowing that in the end it would probably wake up the baby with all the fighting that was going on, but honestly at that point in time I really just needed to walk away. I hated it when we fought over small simple things like that. It was definitely not something that we should have had that big of a fight over. Perhaps it would have gone over better if he had taken my side over the side of a preschooler. Now I knew I shouldn't let this get to me like it had, but it was getting easier and easier to get frustrated.

I headed down the street trying to keep my cool. Nothing was letting it go tonight. I knew I shouldn't be this mad, not like this but I sure as hell was. He had pretty much told my daughter that she didn't have to go with her mother to her grandmother's house. There was just something that I found completely wrong about that and it might have been the mood that I was in right now.

I strolled into the first coffee shop that I came to. Thinking that maybe just a little bit of time out of the house would do me good. That way maybe when I got back there things would have settled down enough that we could work this out. I sat down at the counter. The place wasn't overly crowded just yet. It wasn't all that late in the day so there wouldn't have been a lot of traffic coming in. It was rather small and cozy in there and reminded me a lot of the place that we would go for coffee in Seattle between shifts.

"What can I get for you?"

The voice pulled me from my thoughts, "coffee with cream and sugar please." I answered back as I looked around. It didn't take long before there was a cup of hot steaming coffee there in front of me for which I was grateful for.

"I haven't seen you here before, your first time in?" That wasn't the same voice that had been talking to me.

I glanced up and over to see a stranger sitting there next to me. One that seemed to be taking a genuine interest in me and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing right now. I was leaning more towards it being a bad thing. "Yes," I answered in a soft tone.

"Ah young woman like you shouldn't be out and about on this side of Chicago alone." He said. "Bad things tend to happen around here. I see a lot of that."

"Ah I see and what occupation do you have that you see a lot of that?" I asked not wanting him to think that I was standoffish and rude.

"Police officer," he answered me back, "nothing to out of the ordinary or so I like to think. Why what is it that you do?"

I couldn't see anything wrong with making small talk over coffee after all he was being friendly towards me and I wanted to return the favor to him. In my eyes this could be harmless or that was what I was thinking… if I was thinking after I had been seeing red. "Oh, I'm an emergency room doc." I said trying to relax.

"A little far away from the hospitals here," he said looking at me.

"I live in this area." I said, "It's not that bad in this neighborhood." I was getting more comfortable with the stranger that had taken an interest in having a conversation with me.

"Odd that I haven't seen you around before then," he said giving me a very soft yet coy smile. It was certainly a smile that I hadn't seen in a long time and certainly hadn't been given by my husband any time in the last few months, "by the way my name is Tim, Tim Matthews."

"Tess… Tess McDermott," I answered as I took his hand that he'd extended to shake. "I don't get out much which is probably why you have never seen me."

"Well I should make up for that. At least let me buy your coffee for you tonight." There was that same smile.

"Oh you don't have to do that." I thought that the offer was sweet, however; there was a small sense of perhaps guilt in where this might be going if I allowed a strange man to buy me a cup of coffee but the more that I thought about it; the more it didn't seem so horrible. After all it was nothing more than a harmless cup of coffee. I didn't want there to be any more weirdness between the two of us right now, especially since we really didn't know each other. "But I won't complain if that's what you want to do for me tonight." I smiled at him attempting to return something similar to the smile that he had been giving to me.

"I'd love to do that for you Tess." He said. I couldn't help but smile a little more hearing someone else use my name.

"It's nice to hear that." I said. "Not just the coffee but hearing my name, being called something other than doctor."

"I can imagine that. I'm sure you hear doctor a lot."

"Not lately." I said. It was the truth but right now I hadn't been biting at the bullet to get back into the swing of working. I knew I eventually wanted to go back. No one had been pushing me to pick up my former occupation after everything that had happened. "I haven't been able to work for awhile, I was in a car accident awhile ago and I'm still taking time off." Twisted truth, I had been in a car accident, but there was more to it than that but not something that you wanted to get into with a total stranger.

"I'm sorry to hear that." He said. I could hear the small pause in his voice as he gave me a small once over with his deep blue eyes. "But you appear to be getting better, you look wonderful."

"Ah yeah Tim, you could say that I am getting better." I answered back to him now as I slowly sipped at the coffee that was in front of me. I wasn't sure what to make of this man, but if he really was a police officer surely there was little that I had to fear from him. But it wasn't the man himself alone that I feared. That was only a part of it. It was this weird little feeling that I was having that was scaring me to death. They were feelings that I hadn't had since I started dating Ryan.

"That's good someone as talented as a doctor, shame to have them out of commission for an extended period of time." His smile was still soft and I couldn't help but notice it. I also couldn't help but notice the way that he was looking at me. There were these small shivers that were going up my spine from that glance of his. It could have been nervousness but I couldn't put my fingers on these feelings. Could my fight with Ryan have affected me more than I wanted to admit it did?

I returned that smile, albeit mine was probably much more nervous than he was. I didn't know what I was thinking or even what I was doing anymore. I knew what I was doing even I wasn't that stupid but I didn't know just why I was doing it. If it was because I was mad at Ryan or if it was because I really did have some sort of fatal attraction thing going on with this guy the reason was eluding me. "Well thank you for that compliment." I said as I shook my head a little trying to push that nervous feeling back down. "I don't know how to repay you for that one."

He smiled, "well you could allow me to take you to dinner."

Oh man he couldn't be serious could he? I hadn't said I was married with two kids, hell I hadn't told him anything about me other than my name and that I was a doctor. I could go out to dinner with him that would be okay. Going to dinner with someone wasn't cheating or committing adultery, it didn't fall on the same level as breaking wedding vows that I didn't even remember taking.

"Tess," I heard him say as I realized that I had put a very awkward pause there as I had been contemplating the answer to give him.

"Yes, I would love to have dinner with you." Love might have been a little strong of a word to use right there but it was the one that slipped out as I answered him. I couldn't see anything wrong with it as I was blinded by my mother's Russian temper and my father's Irish temper. Seems I was blessed by two parents who had short tempers and when I saw red I ended up seeing it for awhile and didn't calm down very easily. Granted I wasn't the kind of person who would do anything stupid but if I was mad at you, you sure as hell knew it.

"Great." I heard him answer back to me. "Could I pick you up tomorrow night say around 7:30?"

Did I have anything going on tomorrow night? Hell could I get a babysitter on such sort notice. I didn't know off the top of my head. "Why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a call tomorrow once I've had a chance to make sure I don't have anything going on."

"Sure that would be fine. I'm sure you tend to get busy with what you do and all."

There didn't seem to be any disappointment in his voice that I didn't give him a concrete answer right away. "If I do, perhaps we could schedule it for the night after." I wanted to let him know that I wasn't just trying to back out that I was sincere in taking up his offer for dinner.

"I do look forward to hearing from you." He said with that same smile.

I could hear my watch beep letting me know that it was getting later in the evening and that I probably should get going back towards the house as I would need to be there for the kids when Ryan went to work. Not that I really wanted to be around him but I didn't want to leave the kids alone for any period of time since they were so young. "I'll call you I promise." I answered as I watched him write his phone number down on a piece of paper and hand it over to me.

"You should." He said with a smile.

"Tomorrow," I said as I pushed myself out of the chair and started to move away. "Thank you for the coffee." I reached out and put my hand gently on his arm as a gesture of being sincere. "I'll call you as soon as I can, but I need to get going I'm late as it is." That was the truth. I hated to lie to anyone, it wasn't a good part of my nature and I was the world's worst liar or it felt like it. I was always getting busted as a child.

I headed out the door wondering what I was doing hustling down the street as it was colder than I remembered it being. I didn't want to talk to Ryan anymore than when I had left the house but I was probably going to be forced to have something that resembled a conversation with him, or at the least explain where I had been tonight. I didn't run out of the house like that every time we fought but tonight of all nights it had been the best thing at the time that I could come up with to do. I hurried down the street a little faster than I would have if I had still been trying to calm down even more. I wasn't as wound up as I could have been or as I even should have been. But for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about Tim and our strange meeting tonight in the coffee shop.

I got back to the house just as Ryan was leaving and he didn't say anything to me. He barely brushed by me as he headed out of the house towards the garage where he started up his bike and pulled out of the driveway and down the cul-de-sac. I didn't stand there very long for a heard a tiny voice from inside the house calling for me. I headed inside to see Kevin awake and in the playpen preoccupied with banging on his toy and Savannah sitting at the kitchen table.

"Mommy," she called out to me.

"What baby girl?" I asked as I headed towards her. I wasn't mad at my daughter. There was no reason to stay upset with a child who really had no idea what they were doing only that at the time they were upset with you and that she definitely had been.

"Can I have more?"

"Of course you can honey." I answered as it took me a minute to move into where she had been eating and see the remnants of what had probably been a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I quickly whipped her up another one and started to get Kevin ready to be put down to bed for the night for when I was done with him Savannah would know it would be her turn. I wasn't completely out of touch with my children. Just Savannah and I had been having a little bit of a rocky time but it was because she wasn't as close to me as I was with Kevin right now. It wasn't how I wanted it to be it was just the way that it was, did it hurt? Yes it hurt a lot to not be as close to her as I was to the younger one. But there was still a lot that I didn't realize I could remember with a little more time. Not having the strong maternal instincts towards my daughter that I had towards my son pulled at me as well. I wanted to be the kind of mother who loved both of her children the same but that didn't seem to be the case right now. I needed to find the way to fix it for not only my sanity but to repair the damage to the relationship between mother and child. A relationship that I knew would take a beating later on down the road and would splinter then no matter what I did. It needed to be repaired now before too much damaged was done and I couldn't get it back.

The day would be over soon enough, everyone would be tucked into bed and sound asleep within the next hour or so and then it would once again be just mommy time. Not that, that would be a bad thing, for I did every now and then look forward to it when I had it, but tonight I had a few things that I needed to do without having Ryan and the kids around me. I needed to see if I could find a baby sitter before I called Tim back and made definite plans about tomorrow nights dinner with him.

I didn't know as of yet what I was going to tell Ryan that I was doing. I was sure that I would be able to come up with something creative and that wouldn't be a complete and total lie like the one that was going through my head at the moment. I met a guy having coffee at the shop down the street, felt lonely so I hooked up. It just didn't seem like the right thing to say to him right now. It wasn't that I wanted to hide my actions from him I just wanted to avoid the fights that would come from it right away, maybe until I at least knew if there was something there worth having a fight over. Nothing we had fought over in the past few weeks had been worth while. They had been stupid fights over stupid shit, getting more and more insane as time went on. Perhaps more and more insane only to me because one of the two of us had to have been seeing something worth fighting over and I knew that it wasn't me.

I locked up the doors and headed back up towards the bedroom now that I had gotten both kids safely into bed. I had a phone call that I knew I needed to make but I was a little nervous about actually getting it made. It was a little scary to know that I was going to call this guy up and accept a date from him knowing full well that I was already married and that nothing could come from this. Or could I just throw away the life that I had but didn't' remember for a chance to start all over again. In the end I didn't know who that would hurt worse. While I wasn't sure that I wanted to stay trapped in a life that I knew very little about for the sake of my children. My children, they should have been the center of my universe, yet for some reason I only had about half my maternal instinct with me.


	94. Chapter 94

**Chapter 94:**

I had made the arrangements to have dinner with Tim. I was nervous about the whole deal. Ryan was working and part of me felt like I was sneaking out and going behind his back to do this. I dressed in a pair of jeans and a black sweater. He didn't say that we were going anywhere fancy and from the way that he was talking it sounded as if we were going down to McKilligans for beers and some good Irish faire. I didn't want to be over dressed for dinner there and since it was a pub that was saying don't overdress Tess. Don't want to give him the wrong idea about this, after all it was just dinner. Not that I had told anyone that I was going out. The baby sitter knew that I was but she thought that it was just with friends or something of that nature. The doorbell rang and I headed down the stairs.

I pulled the door open, "good evening Ella." I said stepping to the side to let her inside. "Thanks for coming over to watch the kids."

"Not a problem Tess." She smiled for me. "I love being here with them. You're so lucky Kevin is a cutie."

"Ah yeah thanks sweetie," I answered her as I started to finish getting ready. "I don't know what time I will be getting back is that going to be a problem?"

"No it shouldn't be." Ella said, "I've brought my books so I can work on my homework and study after the kids go to bed." She smiled for me as she took her backpack off her back and set it on the floor.

"Good to know." I said. Ella and I were close for pseudo cousins. Her father and my father were best friends while they worked together for several years in the same ER. Her mother was an aunt to me or even more than that cause there were times that I felt I could confide in Aunt Lizzie more than I could my own mother. But then they said that about mothers and daughters as well as fathers and sons. I wasn't as close to my grandparents as she was, but Aunt Lizzie's mother and father lived in England so Ella didn't' get to see them that often, but she had been there a few times with her mom.

I reached up into the closet and pulled down my sweater knowing that Tim should be there shortly. "Kevin's playing over in the playpen, he just ate not that long ago, if he decides he's hungry there's bottles in the fridge and some cereal there for him too. If you feel brave he really likes to eat peaches and bananas." I slipped my arms into the sleeves as I spoke to her. "Savannah wasn't hungry tonight so she'll probably get that way here in about another half hour or so. She's been pretty picky today about eating." I rattled off the instructions as if it was nothing more than second nature for Ella to be there taking care of the kids. "You have my cell phone number if you need me." I picked up my purse seeing another car now in the driveway.

"Have fun tonight." I heard her say as I walked outside and headed to Tim's car sliding inside to be greeted by the heat.

"Hello." He said looking over at me with a soft smile.

"Hey you," I said returning his smile. I had no reason not to smile for him tonight. I was much calmer and less nervous than I had been last night, seemed more relaxed. But then I had no reason to be extremely uptight. After all this wasn't a date. It was dinner and there was a difference. That was what I kept telling myself and I hoped eventually I would believe it myself.

"You look beautiful tonight."

Aye what did I say to that? Did I take it as a compliment like it was intended to be? Did I tell Tim that I was married? I couldn't remember. There was a lot that I didn't remember and I knew that some of this was pretty important. Was I just testing the waters to see if the grass was greener on the other side? There was no reason that I should be doing that. Yet here I was in a stranger's car after agreeing to go with him and have dinner after only having coffee. I really didn't know him from Adam and now I was having an entire conversation in my head and that wasn't a good thing either. "Thank you." I finally replied. "You are looking nice tonight as well."

I could see him smiling as he kept his eyes on the road. I had no idea where we were going. I assumed that it wasn't going to be anyplace fancy as neither of us where dressed up that well. I was in comfortable clothes not my baggies but jeans and a sweater. Things that I would have worn after work in Seattle. I still was thinking that I should take off and spend a few days over there with my parents. Especially with the way things were going. This was defiantly something different. Tim was almost the exact opposite of Ryan and I knew it.

"I hope you are a burger and beer type of girl." He said.

"Burgers and beers are fine, why?" I asked.

"I thought we could go down to the pub and have a burger and a few beers, get in a game of darts or two." He said. "So it's nothing too outlandish tonight for you."

"Nah," I said, "that sounds like it would be a lot of fun and something that I am defiantly up for." That was something that Ryan and I didn't do. But then when you didn't remember someone you couldn't remember doing anything with them. I do know that beers and darts would have been something that I would have done after work with my friends in Seattle. We would have gone to do McHale's for the evening and had a good time drinking. I could still see the bar with my eyes closed. We'd take the 405 up to the Alderwood Mall exit and it was right there at the mall. A little hole in the wall restaurant/bar that had good food and good drinks, nice place to hang out with friends and it seemed that I had more of those in Seattle than I did here in Chicago.

He pulled the car into a parking spot and we started the walk up the street. Parking was always a bitch and we had to walk a few blocks to get to the bar. We walked inside and found a table back in the corner where we could sit have something to eat and still be able to talk but not be so far out of the way that we couldn't enjoy the atmosphere of the pub. Pub's usually had a different ambience to them than bars. I liked to be in them. It could have been my Irish side coming out every now and then. We slid into the table and he looked over at me.

"What is your poison this evening?"

I smiled, "Irish Car-bomb." I said looking back at him. I thought that I might as well start off the night with something good and strong and the breakfast of champions.

He smiled back at me, with that near boyish grin of his. He was cute in his own different way. He wasn't the type that I would have normally have decided to date, or what I remembered was the type that I would have dated. But tonight was starting to be something that I thought I would be more than happy to be having happen. Tim for all intense purposes seemed like a good guy. His smile could melt your heart, those deep eyes of his seemed to be able to see clear into your soul. "That I believe we can do." I looked down and tried not to blush when he said that. Nodding back at him in response as he got up from the table to go and order our drinks and what I assumed was going to be our dinner as well, since we were there for burgers and beers. He came back to the table with the drinks. "Here you go."

"Thank you." I was trying to be as polite as I could be with him. Not wanting to put off an air right now of being anything other than friends.

"So," he said with a pause and that smile again, "why don't you tell me a little about yourself."

"Hmm, what would you like to know?" I asked as I got ready to down the car bomb that was sitting in front of me.

"Anything that you are willing to share with me," that was the response that he gave me. As we both picked up the drinks and downed them with the ease of professional drinkers. Not that I was a professional when it came to drinking, it was just something that I could do when the mood stuck and I felt the need to.

"Well," I said pausing for a minute as I tried to think what I could tell him. Not that there was a lot to my life to share really with anyone. "I'm originally from Seattle." It seemed like a good place as any to start. "I'm the older of twins. My sister is an hour younger than I am."

"Are you close to your family?"

"Yeah you could say that I am." I replied. "Kate and I are pretty close." That was the truth, I wasn't any closer to anyone else than I was to Kate. She and I even though we were thousands of miles apart, could still feel when something was wrong with the other one. It was some sick twin sense that we had. "I'm close to my Dad too." I had to smile when I thought about my dad even though I missed being around him right now more than ever. "He's the reason that I'm a doctor."

"Sounds like you do have a close family." He reached across and touched my hand, "that must be nice for you."

I felt goose bumps when he touched my hand. There was something electric about it. Yet I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. "It is nice for me." I wasn't sure what all he wanted to know about me, I wasn't sure what all I wanted to tell him about me for that matter. "I love my dad, he's the greatest and being here in Chicago has been really hard for me, you know not being able to see him every day that I am used to being able to do. When I lived in Seattle he always had time to spend with me and now that I am in Chicago a lot of time seems to pass before I get to see him. I was thinking about taking a short trip up to Seattle to see them again."

"You should do that." He said as his fingers ran over the skin on the back of my hand. "Family is important."

"I know." I said with a soft sigh as he reminded me of my family and what I owed them. The fact that I was out with another man other than my husband tonight ate softly at me and I had to question my own motives for going out tonight.

"Why the sudden change in mood?" He said looking at me, "is something wrong?"

I looked down and then up again, my eyes held the sadness that I was feeling, only he would never know or understand everything that I had been through in the past few months. I doubted that anyone would understand it. Rather hard to have other people understand what you didn't understand yourself. I knew that there was that awkward pause in our conversation and it needed to be fixed. "No nothing is wrong." I finally managed to say, "I just have a lot on my mind tonight."

"You know it might help to talk about it." He said as he drank from his glass setting it back down on the table in front of him.

"I don't know about that." I said. "Talking I've been told is the only way to fix things, but yet at the same time, some things you just don't want to talk about."

"Try me Tess." He said his hand still resting on mine, "I've been told that I am a pretty understanding guy. I'm sure that whatever is bothering you, I can at least give you someone to listen in exchange for your company tonight."

He seemed so sweet and yet there was something weird about opening up to a stranger that made talking a little harder. I didn't talk to Ryan and I didn't know if I really wanted to talk to this man either. I hadn't come out tonight expecting to lift the burdens of my life, dumping them upon an unsuspecting soul. "I don't know about that."

"Tess, in my line of work I hear all kinds of things. I'm sure that whatever it is that you need to get off your chest is something that I am more than willing to listen to you, to try to help you the best that I can if you'll let me."

"Oh I am sure that you do." I said still rather reluctant to bare my soul to this stranger. I didn't know him really from Adam. "I don't think that it's such a good idea since I mean after all I did just meet you."

"Afraid that I will go running screaming from the room; perhaps not call you after tonight wanting to see you again." He had a soft smile on his face now, "please, there's really nothing that would make me run or not want to see you again."

"No it's not that." I said my voice very soft.

"Maybe another drink will loosen you up and get you to open up to me. I can't have my date sitting across from me preoccupied with something other than having fun tonight."

"See that's where you might be wrong. If I start talking, we probably won't have much fun anymore and I would hate to be the ruin of what could be a wonderful night."

"How much of this has to do with the reason that I found you sitting in a coffee shop alone doctor?" He asked.

"I would have to say that probably most of it, rather all of it has to do with the reason that you found me sitting there." I answered keeping as many of the details out of our conversation as I could.

"I see." He said. He pulled his hand back and crossed his arms over his chest. "You know I thought that when I saw you, you looked familiar to me. And while it took me a little while to figure out where I had seen you before it dawned on me when I got home where that might have been."

Now I didn't know if that was a good thing or now. But I assumed that he meant that he'd probably seen me coming from County or I had been there working when he'd come in for some various reason or another. He could have been the one that handled a domestic violence case that I had to call the police in on awhile ago. "Really now, do you remember faces that well."

"I remember faces only when the case that I am working is one that is different from the other ones that I have handled."

Now that didn't sound good to me at all. "Different, how might that have been?"

"I was called to the scene of a car accident…."

I didn't mean to but I cut him off right there and then. "You were there when Michael tried to kill me. That's something that I really prefer not to talk about anymore."

He looked at me as if he was truly sorry about the ordeal. "Sort of," he said, "I was called to take your husband's missing person report."

I wasn't shocked that Ryan had filled one. "I see. So then you do know that I am married."

"Yes." He said. "But what I don't understand is that if you are married why you accepted a date from me."

"I have my reasons." I answered, "the question is why did you agree if you know that I am married."


End file.
